DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

Tbh I think you sound a bit snobby. What’s wrong with a uniform? If your child’s starting school, you should be looking for a job. Plenty of part time jobs in between school hours if you look. Your husbands asking you to contribute to the household. I do these hours in a min wage job, like many others, plus have plenty time for household stuff. I think you sound entitled

YABU the issue isn't your DH it's you turning your nose up at the jobs he's suggested!

Yes jobs around the house will need to better planned and some you might drop. Work us good for the soul and with your degrees who knows where you could end up from any job he suggested. But first, stop looking down your nose at people who work in the service industry. We'd all be goosed without them....

But from his side he might think, what if I allow DW to retrain, talking prob 3 years here if another degree or masters, PhD if full time. Then what job can she get after that. Then there’s the question of how it affects his career prospects. Having worked with lawyers, yes most are behind, sometimes but not always you can wfh normally smaller companies who realise renting an office costs money. But I don’t know many male lawyers who do school runs.

It really is a long game for him.

Unfortunately, the OP hasn't returned to enlighten us on why wearing a uniform's OK for all the rest of us, but demeaning for her (only a suit will do, don'tcha know). Heck, how I hate these unsolved mysteries...come back, OP, I think we should be told! 😁

A PhD is quite a niche interpretation of 'retrain'!

Also, how would OP retraining affect DHs career prospects in a way that her getting one of the jobs he's suggested wouldn't? Note that all of them would need to be done in person, at set times and by their nature couldn't offer much flexibility. Let's say one of the DC is ill, and OP isn't able to pick up her phone because it's the lunchtime rush in the cafe and she simply can't... school are going to end up phoning him.

If he wants something that allows OP to bring money into the household whilst affecting him as little as possible, the roles he's suggested are pretty optimistic choices.

I have seen so many times that people can be intelligent in their profession, but lack basic common sense. He seems like he is one of them. Thinking waitressing is a suitable job for a mother with young children, yeah right. Restaurants just give you random shifts and they are different shifts every week as well. Finding someone who will provide flexible childcare while she works will probably cost her more than she earns!

I can see this thread has fluffed up many feathers.
And as for an UK passport for the OP - I'm from another country, too, and very happy after 2016 that I kept the Czech one.
Thanks but no thanks. 😁

Mmm there's evidently not been much thought about the practicalities. What's needed here is a sensible long term plan, with the full agreement and cooperation of both partners.

This.

Waitressing where? In a cafe? During school hours? Be there early to set up, and finish when? 3pm so she can pick her kids up from school?

OP have you considered childminding for a few years while your children are still young? There's a huge shortage right now. It's not brilliant pay but would allow you not to have to pay childcare. You could also set some of your energy costs against your salary.

You do realise doctors wear uniforms, as do many professionals and everyone starts somewhere.

There is nothing wrong with retail or hospitality.

What are your skills are interests? If you are organised doctors are crying out for receptionists and health care assistants. TAs are in demand as are care workers.

Despite the snobbery about retail many supermarkets offer a great scheme to help people progress as do McDonalds.

It is entirely reasonable to expect you to work, at the very most it would need a little readjustment and discussion on how drop-offs, pick-ups, poorly children’s etc would work and that the level of housework would drop (and get a cleaner, even if every 2 weeks) but assuming he is not expecting you to work full time then it’s entirely possible. More a case of being very different to what you are used to, that is not the same as it not being possible and manageable.

In our house one has very similar role to your DH with long hours and unpredictable finish times but does morning breakfast club drop offs, other works 3 days and does the pickups from after school club those days too. We split sick days etc. We did this from babies so are used to it but it works absolutely fine and has kept both in good jobs etc

It's actually not that easy. I divorced mine. I'm now in a well paid job after being a sham for 8 or so years. He could.not.understand. that in order to get said job I needed him to take on more of the kids stuff. He wanted 50/50 so I gave it to him because I needed to work. It wasn't long before he was a lot more respectful because he suddenly realised what I'd been doing re kids all this time. But I had to divorce him to get any respect whatsoever. Which is stupid. Because everyone is poorer on divorce and had he stepped up at the time we would be much better off now as a couple. Saying that he's an idiot so I'm better off out.

"Work is good for the soul"

Really? My work is good for my soul because it's interesting and I get paid £40 an hour.

I've had jobs that have been backbreaking and repetitive, have bought me into contact with some really unpleasant people, have been financially exploitative and I didn't find them 'good for my soul' at all.

So much low paid work is soul destroying.

A sham. A sahm! Although it was a sham. He didn't get the reality of it. OPs other half needs to step up so that she can go out to work/have more of a plan. Otherwise she is stuck.

Who is going to take time off when the kids are ill? Who is going to look after them in the school holidays? Who will clean, cook, wash the clothes etc? He’s he really thought it out because I doubt it will be easy, unless he steps up or you are part time in a very flexible job.

So, after a 15 years away from work, I did the MA/PhD route. Was able to start tutoring after the MA and am teaching/lecturing a few modules while doing my PhD, so am now earning money flexibly around my kids (who are teens, but SEN). Can do a lot via zooms and I also run writing retreats and workshops with other tutors privately, so quite lucrative.

Depending on what OP’s first degree is in, she could potentially do a MSc/conversion MSC in Psychology, law etc (PT is an option). I know several single mums who have done CIMA or AAT accountancy courses in a modular fashion and picked up a PT job along the way that helps pay for them. The MA/MSc ‘s can be funded by a student loan so would not cost DH a penny (they are not means tested, I have loans for both my MA and PhD which I’ve not started paying back yet :D ).

My DH works for a global company and that champions professional women returning to work after career breaks, he himself having just hired a woman after a 12 year break to raise her kids. There are loads of opportunities for a graduate mum returning to work/education that shouldn’t ‘cost’ her husband… other than the need for after school clubs or summer holiday care, if he isn’t willing to pitch in

I hope she takes a moment to explore what’s possible.

You get childcare for school holidays. How do you think lone parents manage? Do you think we don't work?

I think it’s very hard. I didn’t say impossible.

It's not. People really need to get over this idea that families can only possibly manage if one parent works flexibly and very part time. You crack on with it.

Wow so now SAHMs are unproductive consumers?

You sound straight out of a MRA / Incel site.

HE CAN ONLY WORK BECAUSE SHE TAKES CARE OF THEIR KIDS.

Is it really?

According to the stats, over 75% of mothers work. It's the norm.

Most households don't have someone at home just in case a child is ill, they use some childcare and do the washing at the weekend.

Most of the families I know have 2 parents prepared to step up or family that help out. My single mum friends have a shitty time when the kids are ill and it’s a nightmare.

Unless he is going to take on his fair share of the childcare and housework I'd tell him to stuff it.