DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

What was your degree in?

Unless he steps up it will be you doing all the cleaning, cooking , washing When the kids are sick you will have to take the time off work. You need a very serious conversation . But you need to think about your own financial security as well

I don't know how he thinks you will have time to work as a waitress on your feet until midnight and manage the home and kids?
You'd be on minimum wage anyway. What skills do you have? If you've got a degree then you should be able to get entry level work in many places for ok wages.
Definitely get your CV out there and start applying for stuff.

WFH didn't work last time because DCs were there, but now they are all at school or nursery, it could be different.

Also in real life with most couples I know, when the DCs are young,there is generally one person with the big money earning job and one who works less hours to allow them to work round the DC to some extent.

He isn't asking her to bring in an equal salary, just make some attempt to earn money now that she has some free time during the day. I agree it may not work out as planned and the house is likely to be less well maintained and the meals less proper, but rejecting any form of job doesn't feel acceptable to me, or maybe I'm just jealous as Ive always worked apart from 10 months maternity leave.

Well this post is a bit of a stretch from reality

Frankly in most families both of the adults work, whether full or part time. They manage the household chores and parenting on top of that.

As a woman I have never not wanted my own career / job. Its part of my identity as well as giving me the self respect of being able to provide for myself / family.

Personally I think you do need to make a step towards establishing your own career/ working life. I understand a lawyer will do long hours but he is also well paid by most people's standards and can afford to pay for a cleaner and a bit of childcare for school aged children. He can also do more childcare and chores.

And it's also the case that busier people are more efficient at using time. Years ago when I worked 3 days a week, and my first child went to nursery 2 and a half hours a day, I planned my child free time on those two days away from work with military precision - doing all the chores I couldn't do with her around. Now my kids are grown and I have one day off in the week, I fritter the time away unless I have made advance plans.

You'll work out what you can fit in around work and you'll find there is more time than you think.

What's wrong with doing a job where you wear a uniform?
I did when l was with the police (28 years) and l do now working in a supermarket. Am l missing something?

Does he think you will be finding a 9 am-3 pm job with all school holidays off and that's without the travel to/from your children's school/s and your place of work.

When one of the children is off sick and not at school will he take the time off work to care for the child - as surely he won't expect you to do that each and every time...

Even a TA's at your child's school will work longer hours, i.e. 15 mins before school starts and 15 mins after school finishes and if the TA also does breakfast club or after school club then that needs to be taken into account too.

The only school position |I can think of that will be less hours than a school day, is a lunchtime assistant, poss 11 am - 1.30 pm or thereabouts so 2.5 hours x 5 days for 39 weeks of the year at min wage = £465 per month before pension contributions being taken out.

Would you be expected to do the cooking / cleaning / shopping / laundry / ironing / childcare / dentist apts etc. when you finish work,

or will he be sharing that with you at weekends...

He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!

Well he’s a knob.

Draw up a list of everything he will have to do when you go back to work.

And make the fucker work!

I get that you do all the parenting, but how are you going to justify not working when both your children are in school? If you do all the parenting and housework now, then your children going to school will benefit you by freeing up time.

You'll have a total of 30hours a week of 'free' time when they're in school. No reason not to have a part-time job.

For your own stability, get a job and start earning your own money.

OP’s DH isn’t letting her get a degree even though she has spent years birthing and raising his babies, whilst he has progressed his own career.

Why should she be a waitress if she doesn’t want to? She should be able to get qualifications for what SHE wants to do and he should support her.

This. Even if you do get something like a TA job make sure you are clear that sick days for your child (and there are lots in the early years) need to be split, the roles of default parent for stuff like this will need to change. TA jobs are great for childcare and school hols but who will do the big shop etc, it doesn't mean you should still do 100% of stuff at home.

If you want to buy a house you (reading it as both of you) will need to bring home more money.

If working and kids together are to much for you try part time works around kids school hours if feasible, they will continue growing and this is not because your husband wanted you to have a job if because at some point you will need to go back to working to have some financial independence. At home mother's/father's are unfortunately in a vulnerable position, don't put yourself in that situation in a couple of years you can have better jobs, qualifications, promotions or whatever.

If childcare out school hours is far too expensive and it is not worthy economically for you to go back to work make sure he knows it.

I'm sick of men that do nothing at home and think that as soon as the kids are in school the kids raise themselves on their own. Once I've said that, get a job just for your own future. I would do that if I were you.

Whatever you decide make sure he understands all that you do around the house etc.

And make the fucker work? Does that feisty statement apply to her too? She’s the fucker that isn’t working. Should he stridently tell her this?

Why should she be a waitress if she doesn’t want to? She should be able to get qualifications for what SHE wants to do and he should support her.
I didn't mention being a waitress? He's supporting her now and has done for years. Of course she should get qualifications for what she wants to do, but it has to work for the family.

You encapsulate the issues well here.

It makes sense that OP look for work, for lots of reasons. However, the DH here isn't being very realistic. Because he's expecting her work to make a financial contribution to the household, through a low paid job whilst also making no adjustments to his lifestyle.

It sounds like OP and DH probably have 2 or 3 DC, all of childcare age still. If the DH is a higher earner, they're unlikely to qualify for any UC towards childcare costs and might not even get the tax free scheme. And the roles he's suggested are going to require holiday care. It might be possible to get, say, school hours waitressing during term time, but that's not likely to be term time only. The posters on this thread have had much more realistic ideas than DH has.

To be honest, I get where he comes from.

My husband earns good money. Yes, our house is paid off, and we don't have to worry about checking prices in the store or eating out, but I also feel like contributing is important. As we have two kids, I also feel like it's important to be able to support them and myself - relying only on my husband - it's a bit risky for me - anything could happen.

It's not like the old days, I think it's a lot of pressure now on one person to support the whole household. Jobs are definitely not secured, and you never know with this economy what will happen.

I think it's a fair request from his side.

If he's expecting you to go back to work while still doing everything else you do then he's going to have to step up and in as well. He cannot expect you to work and do everything at home and everything related to the children as well. Your stress is no less valid than his. It's normal to go back to work when the kids are at school but I don't think it's acceptable for him to not pick up domestic slack at the same time.

He’s the refusing to do any housework even when OP gets a job. And denying her an education.

So no, she isn’t the fucker, he is.

@Zone2NorthLondon Its unrealistic, from the OP, for the one working to assume that the wife can “just get a job” if he is not going to help with the kids.
She is setting herself up for a job that will mean she has even less time for everything else that needs doing in the Flat, while DH thinks he’s doing everything because he gets paid for it!

Honestly you do sound incredibly entitled. He has supported you for 9 years and now rightly wants you to contribute financially so ye can have a few more luxuries. Time you get a job. Believe me it can be the death keel of a relationship when one partner resents the other for not pulling their weight!

If this is actually about affording a more expensive home, it would be more sensible of the DH to play the long game, and fund some retraining. Speculate to accumulate etc. He's saying it's money taken from their kids, but OP not if it enables OP to get better paid work.

Yawn, did you bother to read the OP properly? Stop making things up

If she takes a minimum wage job and then has to pay for child care, add on transport to work etc will she even cover her costs? It's all very welI saying how he is under pressure being the only breadwinner etc, but I don't see how this would help. I also don't understand how an intelligent, educated man like her DH doesn't seem to have worked this out. I also don't understand why he doesn't want her to do any training to qualify her for a better paid job as it would be advantageous in the longer run.

I went back to work when my youngest started in reception after being a SAHM for a few years and was very nervous at first, having lost all my confidence. I too was annoyed at my DH who pushed me into it but it was the best thing I could have done and he absolutely picked up the slack at home. I was lucky enough to get a job in a related field to my original career however. Working was definitely good for my mental health and I am now, many years later, retired on a good pension which I would not otherwise have had. So yes, going back to work is a good thing in principle but the devil is in the detail!

But she could be as someone said from a lesser developed country like Bulgaria or Albania where it is seen that people in uniforms are “staff” and there’s a big divide between rich/poor/middle classes. It seems strange that she says she’s done a few jobs here and there since leaving uni but I do know someone from Slovakia who did similar, worked in her home country on and off and then returned to England (she got married and divorced meantime, no DC) and in whilst that happened she split her time between England and Slovakia working on and off too, so maybe that’s more common to do that with work in these countries, I don’t know, another Albanian woman (Muslim) didn’t work but studied on and off in England and expected her brother who also worked here to help keep her which he did before she moved abroad. I do think for some of these countries it’s still engrained in some not all families that the man of the house works to keep the wife/mother, of course times have changed so lots do share work loads now but it can still be traditional.