DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I’m still laughing at ”decent breakfast” and
”decent packed lunch”.

😂

I think you need to work, but he expects you to do any old shit, and do literally everything else as well. Which is bullshit.

OP seems to be a bit princessy and doesn’t want to demean herself for working for less than she’s educated to, but has left the rat race so harder to get back into work and then wants a magic job so she can do drop off and pickup as doesn’t look like DH will do it (lawyers aren’t known for their work life balance), and also it looks like even if she did get her job she’s educated for she’d not be pleased with paying for childcare if she couldn’t do school runs. I don’t think her DH is unreasonable at all.

She really needs to speak to DH about him pulling his weight more around the house and with DC or outsourcing cleaning/childcare etc so she can work or even thinking about further education for her.

Sahm housewife isn’t a job. It’s tasks. And over describing tasks in minuatie doesn’t elevate it’s complexity or significance
By your logic anyone who works and is a parent therefore has two jobs the paid role and the home role as chef,cleansing operative and childcare

Indeed. Obvious inference is the working slatterns have indecent lunch and breakfast

YANBU
How many DCs do you have?

He does sounds quite selfish not allowing you to retrain and he's probably clueless about what it really takes to run a household and look after young DCs.

Will he take 6 week's off in the summer holidays to look after your DCs or leave work at the drop of a hat to pick them up from school if they're poorly?

You need to enlighten him and talk this through. otherwise your current workload is going to double.

she doesn’t have a workload,she doesn’t work. She has the chores & parenting that everyone else manages without this much song & dance
She’s faffing about and looking for excuses not to work

Most working parents use holiday clubs, and unless DCs are prone to illness an emergency pick up would be rare. I think we had 2 in DS entire time at school and nursery.

Of course things are going to change a bit, but most families have two working DPs, it's not some shocking anomaly.

You need to go back to work because he doesn't agree to you being a SAHM.

However, do your absolute best not to get a part-time dead-end job. He won't respect it, and you'll end up a drudge, doing everything and getting nowhere.

Get a full-time job with some prospect of progression. Tell him he'll need to do half of everything regarding the kids/house, including drop-offs and pickups.

If you have to do a second shift, so does he.

So he has “supported you for 9 years”? While you have been bringing up his children and looking after the housework (presumably, with laundry and cooking thrown in?) since he only helps YOU with the kids baths?
You need to sit him down, explain how looking after a house and kids is equal to the hours that he does at work, and, indeed, allows him to hold that job!
That being said, if you’re to find paid employment once your youngest goes to school and you are willing to do this, find out FIRST how much it will cost him to pay for a cleaner and childcare once you’re otherwise employed, and enlist his undoubtedly realistic help in getting you a job that will make you both better off, while paying for the domestic tasks that you’ll no longer be able to fulfil, due to having that paid job he so desires for you!

Unless they have two working parents and only one does any chores or childcare. Then it is pretty shocking (but sadly not an anomaly).

Maybe he doesn’t want all of the financial burden and responsibility any more?

Maybe he wants to lower his hours and spend more time with his children?

Maybe he feels adults should work once children are at school?

I don’t see anything wrong with that at all.

Yes, do sit down and berate the only working adult. Tell him his financial contributions is equal to her noncontribution. Disregard that he pays the food,accommodation and clothing. Ahh yes tell him he’d be nothing without her. She made him the man and lawyer he is, he owes it all to her.

You don’t need to get a ‘good’ job.

You need to get ‘a’ job and work towards getting a good job.

You are being superior and it is unfair to not work.

Regards the house, you pay a cleaner to come, either once or twice a week or once for a longer session every two weeks. DH pays half.

What is wrong with being a SAHM/housewife if you can afford to do so?

You can’t be a housewife if the sole-earner doesn’t want to be the sole-earner any more.

What other plans do you have when your children are in school? It's not unreasonable for him to want you to contribute financially, but it's not unreasonable for you to want him to do more of his fair share with home/children either.

He can’t be that well paid if he can only afford to buy a flat in London area. Depending on his fees and how he works he might be working for himself but he’s probably on £72,000 which is average for a London lawyer, which isn’t a huge amount if you’re covering 2 salaries like he’s doing.

I really wouldn’t recommend teaching, most I know have left or are only doing it because they have no choice. I certainly wouldn’t do it. My DM and her friends were primary teachers.

I agree with this.

Can you do something working from home? I haven’t had a job in 20 years but have managed to support myself by selling travel as an independent agent and other things.

I think what’s happened is they had a discussion when DC were born about her being a SAHM/W to save on nursery fees and being good for the children and she’s agreed to this without thinking it through rationally, she doesn’t say if she’s had help with housework eg a cleaner but as a pp says a flat doesn’t require much cleaning.

Are DH’s parents in a position to help out with some childcare?

She says she tried that last year but it was impossible, presumably because she didn’t have childcare in place or children in nursery/preschool.

And probably won't be back, because it's not going the way she'd like. But then if it takes 2 hours to make breakfast, then anything's possible...😂

He’s not asking you to do anything millions of other mum’s don’t do. YABU because you feel entitled to live off his money when he’s telling you he’s not comfortable with that, and you want a bigger house. Maybe he feels that with the pressure of his job and the long hours, he’d like a few of the luxuries the family goes without so you can stay home.

selfish & entitled to want to be kept with zero financial contribution. Happy for him to be the work donkey whilst she consumes