DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

What a horrible horrible post @MarygoldRose .
Vicious, misogynistic and patently untrue.
In a partnership, the couple work as a team. So the op facilitated her husband climbing up the career ladder whilst she cared for their children. Now it's her turn to start on the career ladder, started by the family money they both contributed to.

Usually happens in less wealthy and less developed countries, horrid social hierarchy where parents scream at children 'if you don't get good marks at school, you will be driving a bus'. I am saying it from experience, from a former sister in law from Bulgaria, who did not have a flush-down toilet in her house but looked down on several 'uniformed' professions and she did not even hide it, she paraded her disdain.

What do you do between 11 and 3?

You’ve got more than enough time there for an 18 or 20 hour a week job.

you just sound lazy. And using words like ‘decent packed lunch’ and
‘decent homemade dinner’ like all the working mums just provide shit ones! 🤣your justification is a bit lapse tbh!

I mean by all means get a job but be very clear that the expectation will be for his life to change too now. So he will need to be contributing to the childcare and day to day running of the house. See how he feels about that.

So does she.
Doesn’t want to work. But wants to buy a house.
Job ‘sounds nice’ but not if she has to wear a uniform.

I get so mad when I read posts like this.

"Do what you have always done AND bring money in and dont expect any help whatsoever from me!"

Cards on the table time. Say that yes you are happy to find work but that he will need to step up. That you cannot do everything at home, all the childcare AND go to work. He either needs to pull his weight with his share of the above or pay to outsource it. Doesnt want to do any housework? Fine, pay for a cleaner then. Dont want to do any childcare? Fine, he can pay someone else to do it. And so on.

He seems to have this idea that when the kids are at school women have all day to do nothing, except actually by the time you have done the school run (especially if you live a distance from school) its not that much time at all!

And stamp down hard on the idea that anything you spend money on to improve your prospects is "taking money from the kids". Its an investment in everyones future including theirs. I would argue that not allowing you to progress from low paying jobs into a decent paying career is taking more money from them in the long run.

That's right. Useless courses at the OU.

whats in it for him?! Are you serious?!

How about a better standard of living for them all? I know many women who retrained after having kids, some because their old jobs didnt fit family life very well and some because they wanted to do something different. I dont know of any who have struggled to find work afterwards!

OP, I'm a bit perplexed about your comment re: uniforms. That part does sound very "superior". There's nothing wrong, embarrassing or somehow "lacking" about a person wearing a uniform for work! I wear one for work (Nurse/Sister) and it's easy knowing what I've got to wear each day! I'm proud to have my uniform and I feel very privileged to have my job. Also, there's nothing wrong with starting in a lower paid job. There should be no shame in an honest day's work, no matter the job title.

On a practical/logistical level though: Have you paid into a pension over these past few years? What degree do you have? What are your ambitions/plans? Is there anything that you can use your degree for? Or any free online courses you can look at doing in the meantime? Also, you and your DH would need to properly discuss things like childcare, divvying out household tasks etc. It's all very well for him to expect you to get a job, but then expect nothing else to change for him. What was the WFH job you did last year? Would it be worth trying that out again once your youngest starts school?

FWIW, plenty of people do work and can keep up with parenting and household stuff. I'm a single parent and work FT. It's a slog, for sure, but it's doable. You (and your DH) would need to have a serious chat about the logistics though. I do all the parenting for both my DC. XH doesn't do any. For me to be able to keep my job, I had to negotiate a variation in my shift times and have rock solid childcare in place (as I couldn't rely on XH at all). It's easier now my youngest is not so young. The only time that I am now off work is if DC is ill, if I am ill or I have a day off/annual leave (whereas before I was stressing and trying to sort pick ups and drop offs as XH would suddenly change his mind about having the DC or go AWOL and leave me in the lurch). Lots of my friends are either single parents working, or have spouses (and both work, but they share the parenting and household stuff). I'd brainstorm some ideas and make a plan.

Lots of the TAs who work across the schools I’ve worked in don’t have any qualifications.

It’s a minimum wage job and schools currently need lots of them to support high need children 1:1 with very high needs. It’s full on and not flexible at all in term time-it’s hard to get people to apply at the moment when there are WFH jobs available. The last two TAs hired at my school have no qualifications beyond maths/English GCSE. (In fact, I don’t think the last one had the English).

This
The problem is that it is all well and good getting a job, but I bet that OP’s dh will expect her to continue to do all the chores, collect kids from school , take time off for parents evening etc

OP I think you are anxious and trying to find your way out. I also think that once your youngest is at school you will have more time. Never mind contributing financially will increase your self worth and self esteem. There will be growing pains but I have no doubt you will grow into it as a family and as a person. Good luck!

OP, I'm a bit perplexed about your comment re: uniforms. That part does sound very "superior". There's nothing wrong, embarrassing or somehow "lacking" about a person wearing a uniform for work! I wear one for work (Nurse/Sister) and it's easy knowing what I've got to wear each day! I'm proud to have my uniform and I feel very privileged to have my job. Also, there's nothing wrong with starting in a lower paid job. There should be no shame in an honest day's work, no matter the job title.

Every job I've ever had I've worn a uniform, like you say you don't have to think about what you're going to wear each day, mentally it provides a degree of seperation between home and work, I get straight in the door and the uniform comes off and I get in my comfies! I don't get the OPs snobbery around wearing them, even if you don't have a uniform as such you'll still have "work clothes" which you only wear for work so it's technically a uniform?

I am sorry OP it must be hard. I think the world has moved on in that women are encouraged to have kids & work but as a result families are stretched thin time wise.

Despite the posturing by companies I do think women are penalised for not working for years whilst raising kids and even when having a year + out for mat leave and pregnancy complications.

Definitely get a job OP as the less years you spend not having a (official) job the less you’ll be penalised when trying to get a job.

Agree that working in a school is a good idea. Receptionist type role or TA. School holidays and good hours and I think a decent pension.

If you are financially.comfortable enough, and it sounds as if you are, then why is you DH making you work?

Just for the sake of it?

What is wrong with being a SAHM/housewife if you can afford to do so?

You could always find a volunteer role to hone your skills or get some experience finding out what it is you want to do.

I don't know many men who would demand their wives work as a waitress, receptionist etc. just for the sake of it. If you are comfortable then you don't need to 'contribute financially'.

I think your DH is a bit jealous of you, and also doesn't understand how much time, energy and effort children and running a house is.

@penjil they are hardly very financially comfortable if they can't afford to go on a holiday or move from an apartment to a house.

I think a degree would suffice.

Thats not true at all. They want ta qualifications, they will occasionally, but not very often taken someone one who is willing to gain them.

@Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain I agree that working in law doesn't necessarily equate to well paid- it was the OP who said he was 'well paid'. My interpretation of 'well paid' would be a nice lifestyle that stretches beyond being affording only the basics (I appreciate London house prices will require a lot of saving for a large deposit, but 'well paid' indicates you'd be able to enjoy a treat here or there whilst saving up)

I also agree with you that teacher training is unlikely to work for the OP right now, and is unlikely to be particularly family friendly hours wise- the teachers I know all put in extra time at home, even the part time one

If you return to work, it’s important that he reduces his work hours/work load. He says the reason you need to work is because he works long hours, doesn’t see the kids etc, so he needs to hold up his end of the bargain so to speak.

I think it’s important you go into a job you are comfortable with. If not, you’ll be miserable and so will he and the kids by extension. Have you thought about doing some admin work with a temporary agency? Either part time or in a school would be good. You’ll get some experience, no pressure or massive commitment and some income while building your confidence.

I work in an office profession but have done waitressing before and it is tough work for minimum wage. If you did waitressing/service work, you’d be on your feet all day an exhausted when you get home for the kids. I’d always choose an admin job over catering/waitressing again.

Running a home?it’s a flat in London. Not large home to upkeep. How is a house or flat run in 2024. Online & easily that’s how
bills paid by dd
food shop online and pick up stuff as reqd
most correspondence is online. A few letters
finances managed online
school run. Working parents and everyone else manage
food. She has time to batch cook and do prep
chores and laundry she’s got the time and it’s again achievable

She’s really overstating it suggesting it’s a double shift and too onerous to work. Get a part time role that Fit around school pick up/drop off. Retail or a cafe.

realistically this about is her obvious reluctance and she’s happy to be the recipient of all things but in no way financially contribute. She knows he is stressed having the sole financial responsibility and her answer, meh! Can’t be expected to work. Draws comparisons that he wears a corporate uniform but she’ll be in the demeaning position of wearing a uniform.

don’t talk up daily repetitive tasks and suggest it’s onerous and that doing chores and stuff whilst kids are at school is simply too important be doing anything else eg employment

Podiatry assistant. Then you can slip into your training paid for by the NHS Trust you work for. The hours are 9 to 5 with weekends off. I used to earn 5k a month in private practice less in NHS but still ok.

Too right!! What a sad attempt at justification! Working mums manage all those things plus holding down a full-time job!

@Macadamiamama you are just coming across as lazy. You should have anticipated going back to work when you no were going to be a sahm, because your kids weren't at home, and planned accordingly. Did you think you were going to be a kept woman for ever? Plus there's 9 years of pension to be made up - how are you going to do that?

It doesn't strike me as though you are all that comfortable if you don't go on holidays and you live in a flat?! I don't think it's fair to expect your husband to take complete financial responsibility for your family, while you languish on your backside at home and the kids are in school.

You may have to start small but that's on you for your decision to take 9 years out of the workforce.

I will say though that your DH will have to understand that he needs to up the ante and do his fair share of household tasks and childcare.

You have got to tell me you are kidding. Running a home? You mean running a flat in London. Or even if it was a house, I mean ffs…😂 This is not 1824.

All these excuses for not wanting to work are absolutely hilarious.

Have you done a full breakdown of what your job of sahm actually entails, a timetable highlighting the hours, the responsibilities, the logistics - and had the conversation with him around how you will be equally sharing these tasks, once you're out at work earning?

And you may also need to pay for services such as cleaner, ironing, garden etc - has he factored that extra expense in?

Having said that, refinding some independence may be wise. Remembering how to earn, save, build a pension.

Regain self confidence as an individual other than wife & mum.

Because they'll be off before you know it, and building this up is sensible so it doesn't come as too much of a shock.