DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

I’m so sorry you’re in this position. Did you ever discuss your plans prior to marriage? When I met my husband, I pretty much told him by our third date that my dream was to be a mother and housewife. And he still married me. I think we need to be more up front during the courting phase.

Police
Fire Brigade
Cabin Crew (Virgin Atlantic have a very nice uniform too)
RNLI/Lifeguards/Coastguards

Without them and their uniform where would we be...

They want to buy a house, they don't have enough money when they are having to check the prices on the supermarket shelves and the husband is already working long hours, the ops husband has said perhaps she can work in retail or as a waitress or such like but that's not good enough for the op she doesn't want to be wearing a uniform. Seems the man can't win here.

Or perhaps level headed people that can see things from both sides but one particular side may not want to hear it.

@Thegoodbadandugly , OP says We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket.

🙄 Of course…

I said ‘particularly nasty’. Not a balanced view.

Not everyone is an incel troll. It seems to be the in thing to call people with a differing opinion or one you don't like an incel these days.

You have a degree so I’d be upset to waste that.
Have you thought about doing a PGCE and becoming a teacher. Theoretically you could then be around during holidays for the kids.
However
Your dh would have to step up and do his share of housework and kids stuff. That’s half of everything…..you need to discuss that with him and he needs to take on board all that comes with you going back to work. I’d do him a list as a lot of people forget how much is involved.
Remember, as he must they are His kids and his flat too!

Honestly it doesn't sound so great. Reasonably comfortable is what the OP calls it. But never a holiday, only comfort is groceries without budget. DH not available for much family life. That's pretty depressing to me. I wonder if DH is thinking divorce is on the horizon and that has something to do with the job now. None the less it would do well to start a pension of OP's own as soon as now. The future is uncertain and I wouldn't want to rely on someone else DH or not to fund my retirement life.

Technically it's fair enough of him to expect you get a job, but he has several red flags.

1. Does not sound like he intends to take on his share of childcare and housework when you do get a job.
2. Does not want to pay for training. Umm, part of being married is that your income is both of yours even if one of you works, he should not have sole say on what you spend money on.
3. Getting a job like waitressing is pointless, because these already don't pay very well and you'll have to pay for childcare while you work, so after paying for childcare you'll be left off with very little. The only job that makes sense for you is something in a school.

And what are his plans regarding childcare? Go and get a job, make sure it includes evenings and weekends ( bar work would be great) I can guarantee after a week of having to be home in time to do for tea for the children he will be telling you that you have to give up.
You need to have a really good think about what job you want in the future and start working towards it as you can't stay at home forever.

Decent jobs with career progression after not working for 9 years and having no qualifications? You are joking, I am assuming.

I don't think your husband has thought this through. School runs, cleaning and cooking will all cost money if you are out working. A nanny or wrap around car isn't cheap. I assume he is happy to contribute proportionately to this. Not 50/50 because he is earning more than you. You'd have to work out a fair split.

Where would we be? We would be in a country the OP is from. Like my former sister-in-law, Bulgaria or suchlike

If that's the case then why do so many men opt out? If it's as you say, men should find it easy and do their fair share.

Haven't read the full thread and OP hasn't been back, but I did want to throw my two pence worth in about the "uniform job" comment.

I don't think it's necessarily about her disdain for such roles, I think it was an expression of the imbalance of their relationship and lifestyle expectations. He's reluctant to help her retrain on his dollar, wants her to financially contribute and thinks she should just "get on with it"

I'm in agreement that a job / career is a good thing for her financially and future security wise, and I speak as someone of 55 who was recently widowed after 7 years of caring responsibilities and self employment (current economic climate not favourable to independent retail), and is now staring down the barrel of penury.

Yes, I stuffed things for myself by always dropping everything for family commitments and my unexpected circumstances have me kicking myself ever day that I didn't do things differently. But it is what it is.

I know it's a bit different as I don't have young children, but I empathise at the lack of confidence etc. It's a tough old world out there.

Back to my original point - if there is a power imbalance overall then possibly the DH would prefer her to take any minimum wage job going and doesn't appreciate that she will have to be flexible in areas like retail and hospitality, and the OOH childcare etc may well mean any financial benefit is swallowed up if he is not in a position to work round that.

If it's about working on principle, rather than for the OP and the family's benefit overall that's a moral debate they have to resolve all round.

No doubt there are opportunities out there, but depending on region and infrastructure, after a nine year break from the job market it may be difficult to find something suitable that fits the OPS skill set.

Not that she shouldn't try. I just think it's overly simplistic to say "just get a job and make it work" especially if the relationship dynamics are complicated.

You are right about waitressing job. She should then apply for interventionalist radiologist on the NHS 600K before tax. What? No qualifications? Well, I don't know then.

Childcare yes, but cleaning and cooking? 🥴 Millions of single people, couples and families eat food every day and clean their houses without having to pay someone to do it..why would it be necessary?

Good point.
My dh and I are both architects but when someone got sick at school they always phoned me!
If it was, in my view dhs turn, I would phone him and he wouldn’t even pick up the phone!
Apparently his meetings and site visits were far more important than mine!
Guess who left work early for all the parents evenings too.

In the end I gave up, took a huge pay cut ( initially ) and set up on my own. This often took me far away from home so in the end he had no choice but to step up ….. equality at last.

Make sure OP that he can drop everything if there’s a need to! He has to take on board his equal share of everything!!!

@Angelsrose , it's only easy if you have a vagina. It's almost impossible otherwise.

@MarygoldRose , OP went to uni and worked afterwards.

Of course you should start to build your career, but your H needs to be realistic about what that means for him and your family finances. There's no shame in waitressing or working in retail but a min wage, unskilled job is unlikely to be the answer to your H's perceived problems.

What is your immigration status? Are you eligible for UK student grants or loans? Or the skills boot camps?

You're a team and he needs to support you in this next phase of your shared life together just as you have supported him.

Why is opting out even a choice? Because someone's doing it for them.

People are weird. I was tripped up reading the OP when she says

"I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that."

Because after she said she was having babies I expected her to be talking about how she has been supporting him in his career by looking after them.

In the post I quote, try flipping the emphasis:

"I don’t particularly like the idea of looking after a household and children-I’d much rather go out to work and come back to dinner on the table. I do it because it would be unreasonable to expect my DH to support the household in addition to working full time."

Everyone (regardless of sex) working full time with a family needs those things done, childcare, cooking, life admin. It needs to be valued more highly and this is why feminism has failed. When jobs paid enough that a family was comfortable on one income, houses affordable on one income, was a golden era, yet characterised by sexist tropes of who should do what according to what sex they were.
If men had let women be equal by taking on 'housewife' roles readily so that women could be the 'worker' in the unit where that was more appropriate it could have worked. But they were never going to do that. So we are where we are.

I don't really understand. You've been a SAHM until your youngest is school age and now your children are going to be in school, it's very very realistic that you need to get a job. If you're wanting to buy a house etc then the money is going to need to come from somewhere. Your contribution to the home has been raising the children but now they're going to be out of the house 830 til 3, your family plan needs to adjust accordingly