DH pressuring me to find a job

[Macadamiamama]

Need some context otherwise I’ll definitely be unreasonable.
DH is a well paid lawyer in London, whatever that means nowadays.
I’m not from the UK, I went to uni and started working in my country but since moving here I only ever did a few jobs here and there and stopped since having babies.
I have been supported by my DH for about 9 years now and he’s probably had enough of that. I need to add: he works long hours, is often very stressed. He doesn’t have much time for the kids, he helps with bath when he’s home otherwise it’s only me. I understand.
Now our youngest is about to go to reception in September and my time is ticking as he wants me to start contributing financially. I don’t feel able to find a good job in the hours I have or skills. I worked from home last year and it was a disaster I had to quit as I had no time to do anything around the house and the kids.
We have no luxuries apart from not checking prices at the supermarket. We never go on holiday. We own a flat and would like to buy a house soon.
The idea of work is nice but I feel stressed as I think I already do so much, I also wouldn’t get much money so it’s not very appealing. I have my ambitions, just don’t feel it’s worth at the moment when we have no debt and live a reasonably comfortable life.
He won’t change anything in his life when I start double shifting (work+kids) apparently I’ll have so much free time I won’t know what to with myself!
He mentions jobs in retail, waitress, receptionist. No disrespect for people doing that but he’ll go out the house in his suit and tie and I’d be going out in a uniform.
I’m not saying he needs to support me forever but I don’t feel confident enough to get a job atm. He won’t pay for further education either as that’d be taking money from the kids. Am I being too superior?

TA is a good idea, I do that as supply. You finish really early so plenty of time to get things sorted at home afterwards. I often do batch cooking as well so can be quite relaxed when I get home.
I've done hospitality before and I actually enjoy that although don't want to go back to it as the hours are often not as accommodating.
Even with a low paid, part time position (say 12 hours) you can bring in more than £500 a month so I do think it is worth it.

Start studying something?Maybe it's the principle of you not just having 9-3.30 off while he's out at work.

What do you want to do as a job? I can understand you not wanting to be a shop worker. I don't understand why you can't get some qualifications. Saying "he won't pay" sounds wrong. Surely it would be worth the investment.

I think the plan should be Open University course or local university to retrain and also seeking unpaid work experience in school time. As you transition to working full time he can transition to doing more at home.

You make it sound like he is ordering you about. Stand up to him. You definitely need a job as otherwise you're dependent on him for life. Doesn't sound a good idea.

The OP says she is not from the UK. Lots of people from outside the UK view the UK as the land of milk and honey where one salary can provide for everything, especially if this is a London lawyer. The myths are very strong, especially in Eastern Europe. My lil bro was caught like that by a Bulgarian beauty. She was educated, spoke brilliant English, but did not have a clue how modern life worked. (She had an MA in English Litt, no accent, but zero awareness).

Strange how lots of people of one particular gender often get to opt out of this part of "being an adult".

I'm a lone parent, always worked full time and had zero family help.

This. Especially the pension.

I wouldn't put up with that in a relationship and that's why I'm not in one.

I second this if you don’t fancy waitressing (completely understandable position). Think about what kid of person you are and what types of jobs would feel OK/potentially enjoyable.

Other than that, have a look on your local authority’s website to see what sort of positions they are advertising and which ones appeal. Or goodmoves for third sector. You want to get going with your pension so public sector might be a good shout.

I’m on your side, OP. You’ve made significant sacrifices, and now he expects you to make even more sacrifices by getting a job while still doing everything to take care of the kids. It’s not as if he wants you to work so he can cut back his hours and spend more time with the family.

So you need to check that he understands what this means. He'll have to do his fair share of dropoffs, pickups and holiday childcare, or you pay someone to do this. When the kids are ill and can't go to school, he'll stay home half the time. Make sure he understands that you'll be looking for a decent job with career progression and it won't be within school hours, so he's going to have to up his parenting game.

Most schools have wraparound care. I can drop my kids off at 8.30 and pick them up at 6 which is a godsend on the days I work. I work in frontline healthcare and tend to work a 12 hour shift on a Sunday when DC are with their dad and then 2 normal shifts during the week (using childcare). I use leave/kids clubs to manage the weekdays over the holidays. I’m a single parent so double shifting is a way of life. I love working and enjoy the social aspect and financial independence.

it’s quite normal for people to feel anxious when they’ve been out of the workplace for a while. It sounds like your husband has different ideas about work ethic (that you should go back as soon as DC go to school) and you would rather be a SAHM and don’t mind sacrificing your own financial independence for that. Are his relatives asking him questions about when you’re going back to work and can contribute more to the household?

Just making a note of jobs which require uniforms and would be embarrassing for OP to do.

Top law enforcement
Surgeon
Pilot
Dentist
Judge
Armed forces

They must be so embarrassed to be seen out in public mustn't they OP.

OP hasn't come back

I think it is concerning that money cannot be allocated to help you retrain. What was your degree?
Why don’t you start home cleaning, so you can keep things flexible and be your own boss.

Because that’s what she’s posted.

My friends husband demanded she went back to work after 4 children. She got a job as a carer for a disabled woman overnight. It’s been great for her as she is only woken twice a night and he’s found out how hard it is to look after 4 small children. He also has to be home on time to relieve her.

You could say the same for one particular gender who often get to opt out of being an adult when they expect someone else to work long hours to financially provide for them.

I have mixed feelings on this.

My view is that any parent who is able to give up work during their children’s early years is incredibly fortunate.

I went to uni twice because I wanted a career that would give me the opportunity to be financially independent if I needed to be. However, I would have given all of that up for an opportunity to spend 9 years at home with my kids if my DH was paid
enough to support the family during this time.

It has suited you both and your kids will have benefited significantly.

I voted YABU because I am baffled that YOU haven’t started to think about your next steps and it’s taken your husband to suggest this and you say put pressure
on you.

You should have been thinking about this all along. It hasn’t snuck up on you.

What you do need is a conversation with your husband about what life will look like when you return to work - things like childcare, housework, weekly shop etc -
all the things that you can do during the week at the moment. If you are working F/T then of course you will need some
help with this. If part time then you might manage to cover most of it but accept that things won’t run as smoothly as they did before. That is the reality of two parents working.

Is your marriage a happy one? Just reading your thread it doesn’t sound much like it. Does he treat you nicely outside of these demands that you work?

Quite

Of course YANBU. You have been supporting him and his job and bringing up the children.
A TA job could work, you’d get out a bit and the times match up

You need to get a job. You say you have life ambitions. You haven’t worked for a decade. They aren’t going to come overnight. If you don’t start now you’re never going to work. Why would you tomorrow, or next week, or next year. If not now?

You might have to start outsourcing things like cleaner and meal planning/shopping with online and hellofresh or gusto etc. but you’re in London. Life is literally designed for multi tasking there. It’s so easy!

This might mean your wage is basically zero. But that isn’t the point. The point is you’re working. Which opens opportunities.

Goodluck

so he has supported you financially for 9 years, you don't feel confident you'll get a job that meets your criteria - so say you stay home until the children leave primary or secondary school - are you suddenly going to feel more confident once you have 15 years or 20+ years with no paid work experience?

I'd be looking for a job in your shoes as your dh sounds unreasonable and I supportive. Perhaps he is resentful if he doesn't like his job and thinks you are at home enjoying yourself. Has he ever looked after the children solo to understand the realities of looking after children and the house all day?

It's unfair of him not to be supportive of you establishing a career you would enjoy. Have you had a conversation along those lines? Now would be a good time to study whilst your children are still fairly young and needy. Could you work part time and study part time id you have a goal in mind? Easier said than done but I would worry your dh is not going to be supportive of you as you get older and it would be wise for you to be saving for a pension.