Significant wage difference in a relationship

[Firsttime0727]

Hi all,

So I have been with my partner for just over 3 years, we've lived together for a year. I moved into his place and I rent my house out and pay him rent each month. I have a relatively low income and like a lot of people struggle month to month and so I try and work extra hours when I can.

I've always known my partner earns considerably more than me although I don't know the exact figure, I've never asked!

He does pay for most meals out etc and contributes more to any holidays but I always pay what I can, so he never pays for everything.

However, tonight we were having a conversation about a competition on the tv and I said wow I'd love to win 100k! And he said "I could save that in 3 years I reckon if I didn't have any holidays or spend any money" this completely blew my mind! I had no idea he earns quite that much money! And it left me feeling a little resentful. I know I have absolutely no right to expect him to give me anything, we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying), but I work hard and I struggle and he knows this.
For instance we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. Now I know how much he earns, this has upset me. Am I being unreasonable?? I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.

You're trying for a baby while un married and completely ignorant to the financial?

It's 2024 when this goes south its your fault. Women can't blame naivity or ignorance anymore.

I wouldn't have kids with him unless you get married. that's for sure.

As well as the above comments, what % of his mortgage are you paying?

I earn double my husband’s salary and even before we were married, I would have 100% paid for him or at the very minimum contributed enough so he could attend with me. I love him & want to spend time with him!

I don’t think he’s in it for the long haul. Sorry OP.

So he could save £100k over 3 years, yet he wouldn't stick his measly hand in his pocket and is fine with going to a wedding abroad without you.

Dont you think that's unacceptable? Why be with someone who has that mentality, it won't get any better you know,

I wouldn't have kids with him, full stop end of.

Massive red flag OP. Don't have a baby with him!

@Wibblywobblylikejelly I wouldn't say I'm completely ignorant. And I have my own stability having my own house which I chose to keep. I would never want to be completely financially reliant on a man, child or not. I think you missed the point.

What I pay would cover bills and we split food 50/50

You are literally ignorant.
You didn't have a clue to his income and you couldn't even holiday with him because you weren't deemed worth it.

Omg, please do not have kids with this guy until you have something in place that protects you like marriage does! I’d be very wary of any partner who is not transparent about finances, you need to have the conversation sooner rather than later

You pay all the bills? And 50% of food?

Stop trying to conceive a child until you are married.

But - more than anything else - educate yourself as to his true financial situation. And sort out with him a better arrangement as to what you should be paying for the privilege (!) of living in his house.

I think it’s odd that you don’t know how much your partner earns and you live together

I always have, and always will, have separate finances in my relationships as that is something that is important to me. (I know that goes against MN norm but I can’t imagine being in a relationship where everything is pooled but guess it’s just the way I was brought up - financial advisor dad who drilled this into my sister and I)

Sometimes I have been the higher earner, sometimes not, but regardless of that there has always been transparency

Why on earth would you try to haveas child with a man when you don't know what his financial circumstances are and you cannot afford the child without his contribution?

I'm sorry but that is unbelievably stupid.

you say it has upset you, but you still don’t actually know how much he earns?

I think the fact he pays for most of your holidays and treats and he reckons that if he were to cut back he could save 100k in 3 years, probably means he’s spending around 10-15k a year on treats for you.

by all means kick off, but he is currently subsiding a life that you can’t afford. He might become more generous as people unthread suggest- or he might not and you pushing for more might cause him to rethink the relationship.

You are blindly walking into penury, @Firsttime0727 .

This man doesn't have your back.

Whatever you do, do NOT have children with him.

EVERY
FUCKING
DAY

Op. Wake up.

Why would you knowingly bring a baby into this situation? This man does not respect you.

“I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.“
It’s very easy to say this when you aren’t the one spending the money. Has he paid for you to have other holidays this year?

It worries me a little that your focus is on missing out on a holiday- rather than the precarious position you and your child could end up in. Does he think you are more focused on the material things like holidays? Could that be what makes him reticent about financial transparency?

Do not have kids. Don’t under any circumstances continue to make assumptions- he’s simultaneously shown you that he’s sees his money as entirely his, and is earning loads more than you thought. This might be fine in a casual fling, it’s an awful basis for children (and the associated impact on YOUR career, expenses and earning potential).

So many conversations to have before having a baby- how do we cover costs? What about parental leave? What happens if we split up?

I’m not sure I would want a partner to be financially dependent on me after only three years of dating. I think it is a big thing after only a year to expect to be entitled to your partners wages. The fact you are trying for a baby does mean you need transparency, and to be protected if and when your career takes a hit- but right now I think you sound a bit grabby.

You are totally unprepared for a baby and screwing yourself over.

I make a lot more than DP. We had a conversation about it when we moved in together so we could chip in proportionately to bills. That's what you do when there is a disparity. And when we lived in my house, that I owned, he didn't pay rent, that's outrageous. I' d have a mortgage to pay without him anyway and it's my asset. Why are you paying him rent??