Significant wage difference in a relationship

[Firsttime0727]

Hi all,

So I have been with my partner for just over 3 years, we've lived together for a year. I moved into his place and I rent my house out and pay him rent each month. I have a relatively low income and like a lot of people struggle month to month and so I try and work extra hours when I can.

I've always known my partner earns considerably more than me although I don't know the exact figure, I've never asked!

He does pay for most meals out etc and contributes more to any holidays but I always pay what I can, so he never pays for everything.

However, tonight we were having a conversation about a competition on the tv and I said wow I'd love to win 100k! And he said "I could save that in 3 years I reckon if I didn't have any holidays or spend any money" this completely blew my mind! I had no idea he earns quite that much money! And it left me feeling a little resentful. I know I have absolutely no right to expect him to give me anything, we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying), but I work hard and I struggle and he knows this.
For instance we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. Now I know how much he earns, this has upset me. Am I being unreasonable?? I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.

Don't have a baby with someone who won't marry you, doesn't see you as his equal, and is prepared to leave you out of a holiday unless you pay for it. You are kidding yourself by referring to him as your 'partner'. He's not.

You are struggling now, and he's not helping you out - in fact, you are mostly struggling financially because he's taking money from you, despite apparently earning a significant amount more. Enough to give him savings of £30k a year if he chose to do so. He's watching you struggle whilst feathering his own nest.

Imagine how much more you'll struggle, trying to keep a child on SMP. Because this prince isn't going to support you, is he?

we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying)

OP, are you seeing the posts advising you that having a kid with a higher earning man you’re not married to is a really bad idea?

Tell him marriage before kids.

But really he sounds selfish and I would dump him.

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/im-not-sure-if-my-relationship-is-healthy/

He’s said he can’t afford one additional holiday for her!!! That isn’t restricting her holiday FFS. She specifically says he pays for her holidays, this is an additional one because of a wedding where he can afford to pay for one person but not the two of them!!! Just because he earns more doesn’t mean he has unlimited funds.

FFS op! This isn't the sort of relationship that you should be 'trying' for a baby in. I say this from experience, because my partner is wealthy - true partners are transparent about their finances. If there's a big difference in income then a decent partner wouldn't expect the poorer one to contribute 50/50 to everything. They don't leave their partner at home and go on a wonderful holiday without them. I haven't paid for a holiday since things became serious with my partner because he knows I can't afford to. He wants to go to some brilliant places and he wants to share the experience with me.

I'm not married, but given the legal position I'd definitely want to be married before having children. I know that's controversial, but at least that way the mother has some real protection in the case of a split. (I'm protected, but not by marriage). You say you want to be independent now, but think about how things might be say 10 years down the line when you've continued paying more than your fair share of everything, and your career has been affected by a couple of kids.

Did you miss the bit about him claiming that he could save £100K in 3 years - he's either Billy Bullshitter or he's earning a healthy enough amount of money to afford to pay for the OP to go on a trip for a wedding. But instead he's "happy to go on his own" without her. In my book that makes him a tightwad who puts himself ahead of the person he meant to be partners with. And an unpleasant one at that. More like he won't pay rather than he can't pay.

@Firsttime0727 hope you're still reading this and evaluating the relationship l. Please read all the depressing threads on the relationships board. There is a very realistic prospect that your situation could go the same way.

When you're a family is he still going to have holidays alone because you can't afford to go?
How are you going to split the cost of having a child? And any reduction of earnings while you're on mat leave? And childcare?