Significant wage difference in a relationship

[Firsttime0727]

Hi all,

So I have been with my partner for just over 3 years, we've lived together for a year. I moved into his place and I rent my house out and pay him rent each month. I have a relatively low income and like a lot of people struggle month to month and so I try and work extra hours when I can.

I've always known my partner earns considerably more than me although I don't know the exact figure, I've never asked!

He does pay for most meals out etc and contributes more to any holidays but I always pay what I can, so he never pays for everything.

However, tonight we were having a conversation about a competition on the tv and I said wow I'd love to win 100k! And he said "I could save that in 3 years I reckon if I didn't have any holidays or spend any money" this completely blew my mind! I had no idea he earns quite that much money! And it left me feeling a little resentful. I know I have absolutely no right to expect him to give me anything, we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying), but I work hard and I struggle and he knows this.
For instance we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. Now I know how much he earns, this has upset me. Am I being unreasonable?? I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.

He can save 100k in 3 years but can’t afford to pay for you to go on a holiday? My partners the higher earner (hasn’t always been that way) and the only things I pay is food shopping and the sky he covers all other bills. He also pays for all holidays and if he wasn’t currently paying 2 holidays off would give me that money for anything that was needed. We know how much each other earns. I could never be with a man and have children when he thinks of his money as his own and I certainly wouldn’t be paying him ‘Rent’ I think a conversation is needed to be had about your income and what you can realistically pay towards bills each month.

That went well.

What will happen if you have kids without knowing his finances and are married -

He will say your salary doesn't cover childcare or only just does so not worth working. Or as he earns so much more than you, you will do all nursery pick ups, drop offs, sick days etc and your career will suffer, and you'll give up work anyway.

You won't have full access to finances, he will give you spending money that pays for some stuff for the baby but nothing for you. He will go out with his friends etc for meals and not invite you since you 'can't afford it'.

Eventually you'll be so sick of the financial abuse that you'll leave but you'll have been out of the workforce for a few years so finding a well paid job with flexible working around kids will be a struggle.

OP before you TTC you really need a talk about finances. Why aren't bills being settled in proportion to earnings? You also need to discuss how finances would work when you have a child, ideally after you're married. He can't on the one hand be saying he wants to have / be a family, but on the other hand go separate holidays as he earns more, how would that work with a baby

I found it difficult to understand how when you are looking at getting pregnant and all that involves, that you are so clueless about joint finances. Have you even discussed what the future looks like once you have a child. How do you pay for childcare etc, especially if it soaks up all your individual salary?

I'm sorry but I'm very much with the no ring no child.

I get the current set up if a simple cohabitation as a couple, but yours is not like that.

He said he could save that much if he didn't spend much outside essential outgoings.

Saving £100k in three years works out at approx £2.8k a month. Let's say mortgage and essential outgoings are £2k a month (I'm being conservative with this amount as it seems that OP is paying for bills and food). This would mean he earns a minimum of £80-85k a year.

OP won't even be entitled to child benefit because of his salary and I would wager a guess that he's the type of man who still expects her to pay all bills while on maternity pay.

He COULD save 100k in 3 years IF he stopped non-essential spending. So that isn’t 30k a year going spare, it is 30k a year he could find if needed.

He is paying for the OPs holidays-he just can’t afford to on that particular trip. Often these wedding invitations come through relatively late compared to other holidays. It might be he has already committed to all the trips he is comfortable paying for this year.

You’re planning to have a child with him? That’s just stupidity. Come on, you need to wake up. Contraception again until you’ve had an open conversation about finances.

You’re planning to have a child with him? That’s just stupidity. Come on, you need to wake up. Contraception again until you’ve had an open conversation about finances.

Excellent posts like these make me wish MN had an upvoting function.

Not read anything beyond the OP so might be putting my foot into something, but oh my good, you’re living with someone, and trying for a baby and you don’t know anything financial about this bloke? Give your head a wobble.

You are being financially abused because you're bankrolling his savings by renting your house out & giving him the proceeds. Why aren't you paying into a pension with some of the rental income. Get out of the arrangement pronto and move back into your house and cease ttc immediately. Get back on the contraceptives immediately and Don't be so fucking naive.

No kids or relationship or anything until you're married first. Mention wanting to get married first and his reaction will tell you all you need to know about him. Ditch him and move on, you're with a financially savvy abuser.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=Your%20legal%20rights%20as%20a,than%20if%20you're%20married.

My husband earned 20 times what I did. There was never a question about who would pay for a holiday or what percentage I contributed. I paid for my own personal stuff (and I paid the deposit on our house when I sold mine - the equity from his house he gave to his ex wife), but he paid for everything else. (Mortgage, bills, food, holidays etc). And he'd never would have gone on holiday without me!
This guy does not sound at all generous and I couldn't stand that.

Whatever you do, do not have kids with this man without marriage. Seriously.

For most of our marriage post children, my earnings were "pin" money. I bought my clothes and could pay for a day out for the dc without reference, not that dh ever denied any spends (although we are equally tight).

Our relationship began unequally, the house and capital were mine, dh's career was a much slower burner. The arrival of dc and loss of my income caused no issues - because dh was and is a decent man. We supported each other when suppprt was needed and neither have ever had to consult or divvy up our spends.

When I didn't earn, I gave him a list and receipts at the end of every month and he never once demurred.

We have a similar attitude to money and both are inclined to squirrel it away but also to treat ourselves.

The essence of a good attitude to family finance is being on the same page and accepting equal input in the context of both time and money. He facilitated me to stop working when he could, I facilitated his career. We have always been on the same side.

Why are you planning to have children with a person you haven’t even talked open and honestly about finances with?

we don't have kids (although we are trying) - before you go down this route get the finances in order. You don't know what he earns, you do not share financial responsibility but you are prepared to share your gene pool🤔

we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. 🚩 I would be asking questions about the relationship at this point

You need to sit down and be open about your finances if you're going to have a child together.

@Firsttime0727

I hope you come back to this thread and read the replies.

This is not a healthy, supportive relationship.

She is not being absused. That is daft.
She is paying for her living expenses.
I think she's a fool but let's not get ridiculous.

This exact situation was here the other week but sees reversed

Every poster said he shouldn't be making a profit living with the OP and should absolutky be paying 'rent'

You don't know his income, you aren't married and you want to have children with him? Not a chance

FFS OP don't have kids unless:

You are financially independent and under the worst case can afford to do this alone (saying this as a lone parent)

Or

You are married

But it doesnt work to reverse the sexes because the man never gets pregnant, rarely takes equal mat leave, so therefore doesn't pay less into pension during that time, and when pension contributions are most valuable, and rarely goes part time due to childcare costs. This is an issue that predominantly impacts women. Why pretend it has the same impact on men?

This is unhelpful.

She is not currently being financially abused. She is on a path which leaves her vulnerable to financial abuse in the future if she does not protect herself now.

She is being financially abused and I stand by this. Her situation will be even more precarious if she gets pregnant. He's already restricting her holiday by not paying for her so I'd bet he'd refuse to pay for the basics for his own kid. This is financial abuse. Get out op, this is no relationship, it's a very convenient arrangement for him.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/living-together-marriage-and-civil-partnership/living-together-and-marriage-legal-differences/#:~:text=Your%20legal%20rights%20as%20a,than%20if%20you%27re%20married.