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Original poster

Significant wage difference in a relationship

133 replies

Firsttime0727 · 06/04/2024 21:10

Hi all,

So I have been with my partner for just over 3 years, we've lived together for a year. I moved into his place and I rent my house out and pay him rent each month. I have a relatively low income and like a lot of people struggle month to month and so I try and work extra hours when I can.

I've always known my partner earns considerably more than me although I don't know the exact figure, I've never asked!

He does pay for most meals out etc and contributes more to any holidays but I always pay what I can, so he never pays for everything.

However, tonight we were having a conversation about a competition on the tv and I said wow I'd love to win 100k! And he said "I could save that in 3 years I reckon if I didn't have any holidays or spend any money" this completely blew my mind! I had no idea he earns quite that much money! And it left me feeling a little resentful. I know I have absolutely no right to expect him to give me anything, we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying), but I work hard and I struggle and he knows this.
For instance we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. Now I know how much he earns, this has upset me. Am I being unreasonable?? I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.

OP posts:
babaisyou · 07/04/2024 05:09

OP you're getting a hard time on here but some posters do have a point. You really should know his salary and ideally be married before having a child with him - you're doing things the wrong way round.

I am also surprised that you've been together three years and don't know this information, and that he would make a flippant comment implying that he earns quite a lot, but then refuse to pay for you to come to the wedding.

Although with the £100k comment, he said if he 'didn't spend any money' - what does he mean by that? Because he might be earning £40k a year - when he says not spending any money he might literally mean spending no money 😅So it is actually quite hard to say whether that means he's wealthy.

A hypothetical comment about how much he thinks he could save, does not mean he has actually got that amount of money or is saving anything at all.

But the point is, you should have had this conversation way before even considering children.

For context, by the time I'd been with my now DH for 3 years, I was living with him at his place and he would not have dreamed of asking me for money (he earned more). We both knew what each other earned and saw our relationship absolutely as a partnership. These things are important if you are thinking of building a life together.

MariaVT65 · 07/04/2024 05:30

Jesus Christ.

I read your post and was glad to see everyone else has raised what I was thinking.

I totally get ‘wanting’ to be independent and pay 50/50, i used to, despite my DH earning lots more than me. But the reality is you won’t always be able to when you have kids, because your salary goes down and your costs go up.

As an example, i’m currently in my second mat leave and this is how i’ve been financially screwed over more than my DH:

-2 mat leaves have meant less pay for me
-Student loan hasn’t been going out in that time, so more interest
-No pension has been saved in that time
-It has meant i’ve had less opportunity for other jobs or promotion
-Many work places have a clause that you need to stay in the business for 6 months/a year after you return from mat leave if they gave you an enhanced package, so i’m trapped
-We are exhausted with no local family support, so as the lower earner, i’ve gone part time. So even less money/pension.
-Nursery fees take all my money. I have to use my savings for holidays and home improvements

But I am married, and my DH and I have always known how much eachother earns, and anytime we’ve received bonuses. And we keep open discussions about money. It’s so important.

We don’t have a joint bank account though and I never would.

Please, stop TTC until you at least hsve an open discussion about how your finances will work, and i would urge you to get married to protect your rights. Your house is NOT enough protection. It may give you somewhere to live (if you eventually get the tenants out), but you need more protection for actual money.

wildflower333 · 07/04/2024 06:27

I earn 3-4 times more than my BF.

Whilst I'm happy to pay over and above for things like date nights, am generous with gifts, have paid for holidays, there comes a point where you simply cannot afford it anymore.

£100k doesn't go a long way when you have a mortgage/outgoings and you're living a decent lifestyle and then have to essentially double all costs to pay for additional person.

OP, I'm going against the grain here by saying it sounds like he's paid over and above for you but there comes a limit where he simply cannot do that anymore and that's absolutely ok.

Poachedeggavocado · 07/04/2024 06:58

I won't repost it again but Mojomoons post has it nailed on. I would like to propose to MN that every single time an OP has the question 'my dp won't marry me and I live in his house, should I get pregnant' ,this response is posted immediately.

We've lost some kind of sanity with women thinking marriage is just a bit of paper and a pretty dress. It's a contract that in many cases can protect lower earning women and children against poverty and homelessness.

EatenEasterChocsAlready · 07/04/2024 07:12

Op things like this are so upsetting.

It's really hard because your both starting out, you didn't say how long you've been with him?

I would stop trying for a baby. I would give my reasons 1) your saying 100 grand comment shocked me and it shows how little I know you. 2) if you can save that in a year why couidnt you pay for me to go to the wedding?

The man I want a family with I want to be a team with.
That means pooling everything, time resources, money.
If I pay for things it must be a % of my salary and yours that matches our salary.

Having a child will make me vulnerable for a while and I need someone to support me and the baby.

Workhardcryharder · 07/04/2024 07:28

Concannon88 · 07/04/2024 01:22

@Firsttime0727 Jesus cgrist can people not just answer the question. Yes hes a tight arse. Whats your is his and whats his is his own.

Wtf where did you get that from?! Because he won’t pay for her to go on holiday? Warped

DarkCloudy · 07/04/2024 07:31

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 06/04/2024 21:13

You're trying for a baby while un married and completely ignorant to the financial?

It's 2024 when this goes south its your fault. Women can't blame naivity or ignorance anymore.

Edited

Exactly this.

Why are women still blindly walking into this trap?

PamPamPamPam · 07/04/2024 07:36

wildflower333 · 07/04/2024 06:27

I earn 3-4 times more than my BF.

Whilst I'm happy to pay over and above for things like date nights, am generous with gifts, have paid for holidays, there comes a point where you simply cannot afford it anymore.

£100k doesn't go a long way when you have a mortgage/outgoings and you're living a decent lifestyle and then have to essentially double all costs to pay for additional person.

OP, I'm going against the grain here by saying it sounds like he's paid over and above for you but there comes a limit where he simply cannot do that anymore and that's absolutely ok.

The day when your boyfriend sacrifices his career, his earning potential and puts himself in the vulnerable position of trying to conceive, birth and raise your child is the day that you can compare your situation with the OP's.

Everything must change when children are involved.

Saintmariesleuth · 07/04/2024 07:40

As your planning to have children with this man OP, you need to have a proper and frank conversation with him about finances. This includes how much he earns, outgoings and how he sees finances working when you are a family, and the same from your side. Assume nothing- see what he has to say. Even more so as you would be on mat leave, and the impact on career. If he won't do this, I'd suggest holding fire on baby plans

I can understand not wanting to be dependent on a man, but if you are becoming a family then the finances should be joined together so that there is fair access to funds for all family members

RiderofRohan · 07/04/2024 07:43

PamPamPamPam · 07/04/2024 07:36

The day when your boyfriend sacrifices his career, his earning potential and puts himself in the vulnerable position of trying to conceive, birth and raise your child is the day that you can compare your situation with the OP's.

Everything must change when children are involved.

Show quote history

This. There is a reason it's called the 'motherhood penalty' rather than the 'fatherhood penalty'. In fact, on average men's earnings go up when they have a child while ours go down.

Vod · 07/04/2024 07:46

Icloud54 · 06/04/2024 22:16

Why are you even trying to have a baby with someone when you don't even know their financial situation?
You don't know what he earns? Yet you'll have a baby with him?
Seriously ?!?
Are you living in cuckoo land?

Agreed. This is not sensible. You should have a full and proper discussion about finances before even considering TTC.

Vettrianofan · 07/04/2024 07:50

🤦‍♀️

hangingonfordearlife1 · 07/04/2024 07:58

well he doesn't earn that much if it takes 3 years to earn 100k after essential outgoings..he's not on over 50k is he? so picking up approx 2-3k a month.

hollyblueivy · 07/04/2024 08:01

hangingonfordearlife1 · 07/04/2024 07:58

well he doesn't earn that much if it takes 3 years to earn 100k after essential outgoings..he's not on over 50k is he? so picking up approx 2-3k a month.

Not earn, he said he could save that.

Linearforeignbody · 07/04/2024 08:03

Don’t commit to this guy until he commits to you.
We are married. Income goes into one pot. We have a spreadsheet of income , known expenditures, savings etc. Twice a year we sit down and work our plan for the next 6 months or so.
DH earns 3x what I do.
It's all open and honest. 🤷‍♀️

smellpretty · 07/04/2024 08:12

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

If you read nothing else OP read this.

GreatGateauxsby · 07/04/2024 08:17

we don't have kids (although we are trying)

For the love of god WHY?

Everything @MojoMoon moon wrote in caps.
You are being beyond naive into foolish. You dont know his salary and you want a baby?
To quote a disney movie "tale as old as tiiiiiiime"

Wake up OP

My then boyfriend and i had a full and frank finances discussion before even moving in together. He is now my DH we have open finances and shared financial goals that are jointly planned. I would not have married him let alone had 2 children with him otherwise....

lemoncurd1995 · 07/04/2024 08:17

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 06/04/2024 21:13

You're trying for a baby while un married and completely ignorant to the financial?

It's 2024 when this goes south its your fault. Women can't blame naivity or ignorance anymore.

Edited

This all over…

Sorry OP but I’m completely baffled as to why you haven’t had the discussion on salaries/finances and splitting thing proportionately BEFORE you moved in, never mind before you decided to try for a baby! You have been extremely silly. How do you know how much he is going to support you when you are on maternity leave?

My partner and I discussed this when we moved in together after 6 months and have been very transparent from day one.

100k to save in 3 years??? Let’s say he’s can save 50% of his wage a year (which is being very over optimistic), that’s £2780 a month. He must be earning around the 100k mark. All rough estimates. And you are struggling day to day?

Massive red flags here OP and nativity on your side.

lemoncurd1995 · 07/04/2024 08:20

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 22:04

A brief amount of time of Mumsnet will tell you that your story - or where you will be in ten years time - is the same one told here hundreds of times every year.

You want a baby.

You've got this idea that once the baby comes along, somehow it will be a Magic Baby who fixes your boyfriend and turns him into a responsible, committed partner and he will change and want to marry you and take you in fancy holidays that he pays for.

So you don't feel like you need to actually think logically about your financial situation and talk with your partner about a fair division of costs, living standards and protection for you as the person bearing the child (most easily provided by getting married, no need for a big wedding, just £100 paperwork signing at the town hall).

You are too scared to hear him say "no, I won't marry you, I won't share my finances with you and I won't ensure we fairly split all domestic labour". And you know deep down that is what he would think (whether he will say it openly or not)

So it's easier to dream about Magic Baby.

Lots of people on Mumsnet think they will have a Magic Baby and this will fix their partner and relationship. But babies are not magic - they add stress to a relationship, not take it away.

The baby will not turn him into a committed, good partner.

Don't kid yourself.

👏🏼

noworklifebalance · 07/04/2024 08:26

Whilst I agree with all of the PPs’ comments about your financial vulnerability esp if you go onto have a baby with your partner, I would also be interested to roughly know how much your partner has been spending on paying for your holidays etc. A long haul flight plus accommodation and spending money would costs £1000s, which he may not have access to.
@Firsttime0727 - you need to know your partner’s full financial situation, including his pensions, savings that are locked etc, rather than speculating and then feeling unloved. You have happily let this go on for 3 years and it is on you to look after your financial future.

Bestyearever2024 · 07/04/2024 08:37

We are in 2024

You can easily find out the consequences of earning much less than your partner, NOT being married and then going on to have a baby with him

If you don't get married in your situation you are foolish

If you dont get married and have a baby, you are just mind blowingly stupid

turkeymuffin · 07/04/2024 08:44

Bobbybobbins · 06/04/2024 21:36

So many conversations to have before having a baby- how do we cover costs? What about parental leave? What happens if we split up?

This. He isn't willing to pay for you to attend a holiday (of his choosing for his friend). What happens when you're on mat leave or working PT or the kids need new cricket kits? Ridiculous situation

turkeymuffin · 07/04/2024 08:45

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

100% this. Every day on here there's a similar tale.

LordPercyPercy · 07/04/2024 08:45

Wtf, why are you trying to get pregnant?!

AGodawfulsmallaffair · 07/04/2024 08:49

Just as well you haven’t had a baby already, because he’d be fucking off on holiday and leaving you both behind.