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Original poster

Significant wage difference in a relationship

133 replies

Firsttime0727 · 06/04/2024 21:10

Hi all,

So I have been with my partner for just over 3 years, we've lived together for a year. I moved into his place and I rent my house out and pay him rent each month. I have a relatively low income and like a lot of people struggle month to month and so I try and work extra hours when I can.

I've always known my partner earns considerably more than me although I don't know the exact figure, I've never asked!

He does pay for most meals out etc and contributes more to any holidays but I always pay what I can, so he never pays for everything.

However, tonight we were having a conversation about a competition on the tv and I said wow I'd love to win 100k! And he said "I could save that in 3 years I reckon if I didn't have any holidays or spend any money" this completely blew my mind! I had no idea he earns quite that much money! And it left me feeling a little resentful. I know I have absolutely no right to expect him to give me anything, we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying), but I work hard and I struggle and he knows this.
For instance we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. Now I know how much he earns, this has upset me. Am I being unreasonable?? I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.

OP posts:
category12 · 06/04/2024 23:13

Have you discussed the financial implications of having a child together?!

What about your maternity leave and expenses if you're on reduced pay?

What if you want or need to reduce hours when you've had the baby - will he support you doing that and help you financially? Is he going to reduce hours and do childcare? Is he going to pay childcare?

Is he going to tell you that it's no point paying for childcare as it costs more than you can earn, and then you end up either scraping the money up alone or giving up your job and having no income of your own?

You really need to have some serious financial discussions before you get pregnant.

HebburnPokemon · 06/04/2024 23:16

OP, are you okay?

Aquamarine1029 · 06/04/2024 23:38

You trying to get pregnant with this man without being married is about the dumbest thing I've ever fucking heard. Honestly, wake up and start being sensible.

PurpleBugz · 06/04/2024 23:39

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

This expresses it so well.

If you are not married do not have a child

PamPamPamPam · 06/04/2024 23:43

How on earth can you live with someone and be trying for a baby and not know what they earn? This has nothing to do with financial independence and everything to do with making sure the man you are choosing to father your child has the means and wherewithal to provide for you both.

Sometimes I really do think some women have completely misunderstood feminism.

Weatherfor · 06/04/2024 23:47

OP@Firsttime0727 My husband earns waaaay more than me because I can no longer work after becoming ill post kids ( but even when I did work full time he earned over twice as much)……….you never know what the future holds but what on earth is going through both your heads if you are trying for a baby without having had any future financial discussions ,knowing each others earnings or making any sort of commitment to each other? Have you even made wills? You have to plan for the worse case scenario.

RosesAndHellebores · 06/04/2024 23:49

For decades I didn't know exactly what my DH earnt. But we were married, I had a pre-nup (my capital when we got married).

The holiday is odd, he is starting to sound resentful. In our early days, DH might have said "I can't let you pay for that" and I'd have said "don't be silly". It became vice versa when I gave up work.

If you haven't seen the red flags yet op, start putting up the bunting.

MustBeGinOclock · 06/04/2024 23:55

This is so frustrating to read.

Ttc with someone when you actually know 0 about their finances?! Have a word with yourself.

He has not got your back now never mind when kids come into it!

Also who would be happy to go on hol leaving their partner at home because they couldn't afford to go, perfect gent huh?!

Cakeandcardio · 06/04/2024 23:57

I can see it now. You have a child with him and he still expects you to contribute to the household bills while you are on maternity. You end up struggling to buy basics like sanitary products while he lives a nice life. He grudges you a coffee when you are out and about. I've read this story so often on here.

Rewis · 06/04/2024 23:58

You need to have a sit down and talk about finances and what it will look like once you have kids. I'm not against paying rent (there are tons of ways to do this which isn't 50% of his mortgage) and holidays should be discussed. However you shouldn't be working extra to match his lifestyle. You need to find an agreement which makes both of you better off. Wethwr its 50/50 or % or whatever. You need to talk about salaries, savings, budgets and plans

Previousreligion · 06/04/2024 23:59

I earn significantly LESS than my partner and I paid for his flights for our first holiday!!! I would be upset. I don't think it's wise to have a baby with him before marriage.

MidnightMeltdown · 07/04/2024 00:10

Hmmm.... in all honesty, dating someone that you have to support financially isn't an attractive option to most people. I earn a good salary, and to be completely honest, dating a lower earner and being expected to pay for everything would piss me off.

Some men enjoy playing the 'breadwinner' role, but it doesn't seem like your dp is one of them. Maybe you're just not suited.

Dweetfidilove · 07/04/2024 00:15

Merryoldgoat · 06/04/2024 21:31

EVERY
FUCKING
DAY

Literally 🤦🏾‍♀️.

Sooooootired01 · 07/04/2024 00:20

@PamPamPamPam What's feminism to you? Is it finding a man who earns enough to be the sole provider so you have the "right" to become a SAHM?

endoflevelbaddy · 07/04/2024 01:08

I earn 3-4 times (depending on bonuses) what DH earns. From moving in together 20 years ago we've always had shared finances.
I'm not sure if it's because of the sexes being reversed in our scenario but we can either afford whatever it may be as a family or not. There's no him or me. Don't get me wrong, we have our independent trips / hobbies but they are always planned and agreed with the wider family expenses agreed first.
I know it may be early days for you, but this mine and yours would be a red flag for me. Especially when thinking about children and loss of earnings etc. I think if you're not team from the get go it doesn't bode well.

And for the record, DH has seen every pay rise & bonus letter over the years, complete transparency. But he is a mortgage advisor so he needs to be on top our finances.

Concannon88 · 07/04/2024 01:22

@Firsttime0727 Jesus cgrist can people not just answer the question. Yes hes a tight arse. Whats your is his and whats his is his own.

RiderofRohan · 07/04/2024 01:41

As previous posters have said, you are being a bit naive.

In his defence, you say you're paying enough for bills and food- not sure if that's just your half. If so, you are living rent-free so could potentially save this money. In that sense, he is helping you day to day. Definitely nowhere near the worst I've seen on Mumsnet.

However it sounds like you are on a very low income and he is is on a high/highish income. It sounds like he has money and yet is happy for you to work your bum off. I don't think much of anyone who watches their partner doing this when they have the means to help them.

You're not aligned enough as a couple to have kids. I'm not saying 'never', just not right now. Given your low income, maternity leave will be brutal if you don't have a partner who is financially supportive. On top of this, childcare is very expensive. Who will fund this when you need to go back to work?

I think you need to money talk. It's likely he doesn't fully understand your financials just like you don't understand his. You need to sort this before jumping into procreation.

Shabnamsshoos · 07/04/2024 01:45

Wibblywobblylikejelly · 06/04/2024 21:13

You're trying for a baby while un married and completely ignorant to the financial?

It's 2024 when this goes south its your fault. Women can't blame naivity or ignorance anymore.

Edited

Yeah this is exactly what jumped out at me

coxesorangepippin · 07/04/2024 03:40

What on earth would you do if you did have a child? Where would they live?

Then caviar at his place, beans on toast at yours?

PamPamPamPam · 07/04/2024 03:52

@Sooooootired01 no, what feminism is to me is ensuring that as a woman you make informed decisions when it comes to your life choices, and do not wilfully stumble into these sort of situations where you are actively working against your own best interests in the name of "equality".

Pregnancy and childbirth are two of the most vulnerable moments of a woman's life, and I do not understand why so many women continue to dive headfirst into trying for a baby with men who clearly do not have their best interests at heart.

Why act like a 1950s housewife without the protections of said housewife? That's the worst of both worlds.

It is 2024 and women need to wise up and understand that they need to make informed decisions about these things. And banging the "equality" drum in cases when they are actively placing themselves in positions of extreme vulnerability and giving their power over to men who give nothing in return is not a great flex.

How can you trust a man to take care of you and your child (practically, emotionally, financially) when he is not even prepared to take you on a holiday? Why literally risk your life for someone like this? What happens if (heaven forbid) the OP needs additional support after childbirth? Or the baby needs additional support? Do you really think she can rely on a man like this?

I see examples from women on here all the time about how they didn't marry their partner but behaved like a housewife for years, all for their partner to either up and leave or create an intolerable atmosphere leading to separation. The woman who spent years looking after a home that is not hers and a man who would not commit is then basically homeless, in some instances jobless (if she became a SAHM), and has no pension or savings because she entrusted everything to a man who was not even willing to marry her as "it's just a piece of paper". And she's left with nothing after years of sacrifice.

That is the life the OP is walking into, and she needs to wise up.

Feminism means choices. But with those choices also comes the responsibility of ensuring you educate yourself about the potential consequences of your actions. Stop allowing men to get away with giving nothing while you give everything.

PoppyCherryDog · 07/04/2024 04:08

3 years together, trying for a baby and living together? And you don’t know how much he earns…. Wtf? Just ask him! Agree with others though in not having a kid until you’re married.

decionsdecisions62 · 07/04/2024 04:14

This is why woman and kids end up in poverty. The biological desire to reproduce blinds many to the failings of the person they are reproducing with. He has different priorities to you op. He's not a keeper.

DeeCeeCherry · 07/04/2024 04:21

I can only think you have some romanticised idea that having a baby will cement your relationship. It won't. & having a baby with him would just be plain silly. You're not married, you're his housemate and a placeholder. Take off the love goggles, go back to your own house and get a lodger fgs

WalkingaroundJardine · 07/04/2024 04:41

If you are determined to stay with this guy and then get pregnant, I would treat your situation as if you are a single parent and he is like a sperm donor. Don’t give up working or reduce hours, put the child into nursery or daycare until school age. Go to a financial planner to sort your pension savings on your own. Assume that the relationship will not last and eventually you will move out and back into your house with the ongoing need to pay the mortgage and self funded retirement. Whatever you do, don’t become a SAHM - you don’t have enough protections and you need to plan for the unexpected.

WitchWithoutChips · 07/04/2024 04:51

Get back on contraception until you have had a full and frank conversation about your future, including financial planning. In your position I would not have a child with him unless married. You are putting yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position.