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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Significant wage difference in a relationship

133 replies

Firsttime0727 · 06/04/2024 21:10

Hi all,

So I have been with my partner for just over 3 years, we've lived together for a year. I moved into his place and I rent my house out and pay him rent each month. I have a relatively low income and like a lot of people struggle month to month and so I try and work extra hours when I can.

I've always known my partner earns considerably more than me although I don't know the exact figure, I've never asked!

He does pay for most meals out etc and contributes more to any holidays but I always pay what I can, so he never pays for everything.

However, tonight we were having a conversation about a competition on the tv and I said wow I'd love to win 100k! And he said "I could save that in 3 years I reckon if I didn't have any holidays or spend any money" this completely blew my mind! I had no idea he earns quite that much money! And it left me feeling a little resentful. I know I have absolutely no right to expect him to give me anything, we aren't married, we don't have kids (although we are trying), but I work hard and I struggle and he knows this.
For instance we discussed a potential long haul holiday at the end of this year for a wedding, and he said he wouldn't be able to pay for me, he couldn't afford it and I said I understood and I probably wouldn't be able to go with him. He was fine with going without me. Now I know how much he earns, this has upset me. Am I being unreasonable?? I know I would want him with me if it were the other way around.

OP posts:
MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

Pollyannamex · 06/04/2024 21:40

OP please, do not have kids with this man.

Pollyannamex · 06/04/2024 21:41

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

Excellent post. Read this over and over til it sinks in.

MichaelFlatulence · 06/04/2024 21:46

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

Nailed it

nimski · 06/04/2024 21:47

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

100% this! Read and re-read and stop being so naive!

catPA · 06/04/2024 21:49

OP, how can you respect such a man?

For god's sake, do not have a child with him. He won't even pay for a holiday for you! What are you thinking??? Wake up and woman up!

justanotherrandomperson · 06/04/2024 21:50

He'd rather take a long-haul holiday alone and leave you behind than take a more modest holiday that you can both afford, yet you're trying to have a baby together? Sorry, but there's no way I'd actively ttc with such a selfish man.

Tbh, I think he should be willing to help cover your share, if he can afford it, but the holiday is just a symptom of the problems here. I wouldn't have a baby with a man without marrying him first. At the very least, you need to know one another's income, spending habits, and so on. Who will pay for everything, if you do have a baby together?

Seriously, please hold off on ttc until you've had some serious discussions about how finances will work. If you think you're jealous now, just imagine what it could be like with a baby thrown into the mix!

Herdinggoats · 06/04/2024 21:52

catPA · 06/04/2024 21:49

OP, how can you respect such a man?

For god's sake, do not have a child with him. He won't even pay for a holiday for you! What are you thinking??? Wake up and woman up!

But she says he does pay for holidays for her, just that he won’t pay for THIS long haul trip. We don’t know that he isn’t taking her away three times already this year and a fourth trip is just too much!!!

starsinyourpies · 06/04/2024 21:53

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

Agree with this 100%

MigGirl · 06/04/2024 21:54

I do wonder sometimes at what goes through some people's heads. Yay we are happy together let's ha e kids, is no forward planning ever done.

I in no uncertain terms insisted on being married before we had children. Even though we'd been together 10 years and owned a house together. I was fully aware that even though at the time our incomes where similar, that me taking time out to have children would impact that significantly. And having children without the protection of marriage would put me in a very vaunrable position. Men can walk away (I do know it sometimes happens the other way around but not often) women are then left holding the baby who in their right mind would ever do this deliberately without some legal protection in place.

Also if you are trying for a baby and live together why do you not have at lest full financial transparency?

WeightoftheWorld · 06/04/2024 21:56

Why the frig are you trying to have a baby when you're not married and you are the lower earner?!

VeryStressedMum · 06/04/2024 21:59

The fact that you don't know what he earns after 3 years, living together and trying for a baby is baffling. Haven't you asked aren't you curious?

You are also totally underestimating what having children costs and how it will impact in your ability to work. What will happen during your maternity leave Who is paying for the childcare who is taking the child to the childcare, who is buying the pram and the cot and car seat and clothes and day trips.
He doesn't want to pay for a holiday for the mother of his child - the fact that you are trying means you are the mother of his child.
Tell him you need to be married before any children come along it will be interesting to know his reaction.

Synergies · 06/04/2024 22:01

I'm just gobsmacked that you have been with this person for years and don't know what his income is

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 22:04

A brief amount of time of Mumsnet will tell you that your story - or where you will be in ten years time - is the same one told here hundreds of times every year.

You want a baby.

You've got this idea that once the baby comes along, somehow it will be a Magic Baby who fixes your boyfriend and turns him into a responsible, committed partner and he will change and want to marry you and take you in fancy holidays that he pays for.

So you don't feel like you need to actually think logically about your financial situation and talk with your partner about a fair division of costs, living standards and protection for you as the person bearing the child (most easily provided by getting married, no need for a big wedding, just £100 paperwork signing at the town hall).

You are too scared to hear him say "no, I won't marry you, I won't share my finances with you and I won't ensure we fairly split all domestic labour". And you know deep down that is what he would think (whether he will say it openly or not)

So it's easier to dream about Magic Baby.

Lots of people on Mumsnet think they will have a Magic Baby and this will fix their partner and relationship. But babies are not magic - they add stress to a relationship, not take it away.

The baby will not turn him into a committed, good partner.

Don't kid yourself.

SweetFemaleAttitude · 06/04/2024 22:06

DO. NOT. HAVE. A. CHILD. WITH. THIS. MAN.

He won't even pay for you to go on holiday.

HE IS SHOWING YOU WHO HE IS.

LISTEN 👂👂👂👂

Coldupnorth87 · 06/04/2024 22:06

MojoMoon · 06/04/2024 21:40

And how will you be paying for the child?
Have you discussed that at all? What is your maternity pay and are you willing to go back to work full time once your mat pay drops to statutory? Will he be doing 50pc of the childcare including pick up and drop offs to nursery? Days off when the kid is sick and can't go to nursery?

Almost certainly not - he earns more money so it will be easy to argue that it is "logical" for you to take on the vast majority of child responsibilities and either stop working or go part time, stopping any potential for your income to rise.

Meanwhile he continues to boost his income, pays into own pension.

Then you'll think maybe it will be nice for baby to have a sibling so then two sets of childcare costs so no point you working at all.

Six years pass and kids are in school but he has climbed further up the ladder in the time so he can't possibly do drops off and pick ups or cover the school holidays so you'll either not be working or looking for a poorly paid school term only job.

No pension contributions for you in this time. But he will be paying into his own.

So yes, you own a house elsewhere (assuming no horrible surprises like repair costs or shit tenants so have been able to cover your costs there) but a decade has gone by and you've screwed up your old age because you've got no pension while he is sitting pretty on a great retirement income and his high salary.

You split up and you are entitled to nothing beyond some child maintenance until the kids are 18. Nothing to compensate you for all the domestic labour you did or to help you avoid penury in old age.

So yeah, if you can't even talk about sharing holiday costs, you need to get back on contraception and probably out of this relationship if he isn't willing to actually be a fair partner.

Nailed it.

Add "but I assumed I would be entitled to..."

The number of women who think being a "common-law wife" gives them rights or hard cash is staggering.

Icloud54 · 06/04/2024 22:16

Why are you even trying to have a baby with someone when you don't even know their financial situation?
You don't know what he earns? Yet you'll have a baby with him?
Seriously ?!?
Are you living in cuckoo land?

Femme2804 · 06/04/2024 22:17

when i dated my DH. I’m on £22k salary and he was £60k and we live together. I dont pay anything not even food or dating or anything. Eventhough i tried and feel bad about it for couple of months. He said just keep my money for myself because he can afford for both of us. Now i’m married to him. His salary tripled, while i’m more or less the same. He bought house with his own money but he puts my name on the deeds aswell. Dont have baby with your partner OP. Find other man who loves you and not selfish.

LouOver · 06/04/2024 22:17

You cannot have a baby with someone whem your completely in the dark on financially.

Bloody he'll op, what's the plan for childcare, your the low earner so presumably you'll either go part time/sah so will you have complete joint finances? Is he going to give you pocket money?

What happens on maternity? Is he going to continue keeping his clearly strong salary and you still contribute on £550 a month.

Your unmarried so if you split he will owe you diddly squat.

Echoing another poster, it's 2024 you cannot be this naive.

Antsinmypantsneedtodance · 06/04/2024 22:19

Apart from the obvious, that you should never have a child when unmarried if you're financially vunerable. Why are you even considering a child with someone you don't even know much about?

I knew my now DH's rough earnings from about the 6th date. As he did mine. By about 6 months in I knew the specifics including savings amounts, mortgage etc. He has always earned twice what I earn, even as my earnings have increased (his have too). He is a high earner.

When we lived together he made the decision that it was our money. We pooled to an extent and made sure each of us had decent savings. I never paid towards his mortgage offically. But i paid for food and meals out etc as and when in line with my income. We eventually got married so obviously the house is legally now ours. But i couldn't ever imagine contemplating a planned child with someone who see's money as theirs and mine and worse still, I don't know what he earns! Have you even planned for maternity leave? Nursery fees? Things for a baby? Would you work full time still? Who will support you?

Either sit down and have a frank conversation about money ASAP and get married while you're at it. Or run.

PaminaMozart · 06/04/2024 22:22

Everything @MojoMoon said - both her posts.
It's what I would have written if I could be bothered.

Sadly these kinds of threads come up on MN on a daily basis.
Apparently intelligent women walking blindly into situations where they are left holding the baby.......... and nothing else.

As for those saying it has only been 3 years - WTF.
After this length of time most adult men will know whether they have found their life partner, the mother of their future children.
As it is, the OP is the placeholder girlfriend.
Her dream of having a baby and 'being a family' is just that - a dream.

Don't do it!

TotalDramarama24 · 06/04/2024 22:30

What the hell are you doing OP? Trying for a baby with someone who has shown no interest in marrying you and doesn't even think you are worth the cost of a long haul holiday? At least sort out the finances and make sure you have everything set in stone and are on the same page before you have a baby and tie yourself to him for the rest of your life.

SD1978 · 06/04/2024 22:33

I wouldn't have thought planning a baby without any idea of finances, or how they should be split going forward is s a smart idea at all. What's the plan with mat leave? Who is paying what? How is it decided now how plays what, do you base it on a percentage of your wages? You said you pay 50/50 bills and food, is that better or worse than when you loved in your place? I don't don't think he's obliged to pay for trips abroad if you can't afford it, but I do think you need fill transparency if you're going to name a child and not be married first

neverenoughplants · 06/04/2024 22:46

I think you should have a sit down conversation with him about financial transparency. Probably a key starting point needs to be whether he is even willing to be completely financially transparent. By this I mean, what does he earn, what's his mortgage (how much are his monthly repayments and how much does he still owe), any other assets, and what are his major outgoings. Definitely talk about savings too. Obviously you then share the same info.

The point of this isn't to gather invasive info - it's to establish what's the extent of your differing financial circumstances. Next steps are to find out what his financial expectations are (for himself, and for you as a couple/family). If you're trying to have a baby with him, you need to know early on whether you can rely on him for financial support and whether he sees his money as mostly his, or mostly shared.

To be honest, i would seriously be considering whether there is going to be long-term compatibility here. I'm not saying he should be showering you with cash, but it sounds like he was quite breezy about his financial capacity, yet he has never (I'm guessing) instigated a conversation about what his thoughts are for the financial future. I would be hugely concerned by the idea that he would just go on holiday alone because you can't afford it - that sounds to me like he's absolutely prepared to leave you in a less advantageous situation even though he could help financially. If this is what he's like in a relationship, imagine what he'd be like if you split up.

Haydenn · 06/04/2024 23:12

neverenoughplants · 06/04/2024 22:46

I think you should have a sit down conversation with him about financial transparency. Probably a key starting point needs to be whether he is even willing to be completely financially transparent. By this I mean, what does he earn, what's his mortgage (how much are his monthly repayments and how much does he still owe), any other assets, and what are his major outgoings. Definitely talk about savings too. Obviously you then share the same info.

The point of this isn't to gather invasive info - it's to establish what's the extent of your differing financial circumstances. Next steps are to find out what his financial expectations are (for himself, and for you as a couple/family). If you're trying to have a baby with him, you need to know early on whether you can rely on him for financial support and whether he sees his money as mostly his, or mostly shared.

To be honest, i would seriously be considering whether there is going to be long-term compatibility here. I'm not saying he should be showering you with cash, but it sounds like he was quite breezy about his financial capacity, yet he has never (I'm guessing) instigated a conversation about what his thoughts are for the financial future. I would be hugely concerned by the idea that he would just go on holiday alone because you can't afford it - that sounds to me like he's absolutely prepared to leave you in a less advantageous situation even though he could help financially. If this is what he's like in a relationship, imagine what he'd be like if you split up.

Edited

that sounds to me like he's absolutely prepared to leave you in a less advantageous situation even though he could help financially.

but the OP specifically said that on this long haul trip he CANT afford to pay her share of this trip too. He is picking up her date costs and many of her holiday costs- he just can’t afford this one as well!!!