Stuck between parents and DH

[clawcliphurts]

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

This is all very sad, OP.

It actually sounds as though your MIL is a nice, kind person who has some undiagnosed psychiatric issue which explains why she has particular hang ups around things like using the toilet and food. Certainly the fact that whether or not you are offered anything to eat or drink at her house depends on whether or not she has been able to face going out to the shops would suggest that she is really struggling. It sounds like she wants to be hospitable, it's just that her idea of it and what she feels able to do is very different to most people's. She clearly has a deep seated need to be in control of her immediate environment, which means she's out of her comfort zone when visiting other people or receiving visitors.

Your DH is not doing her any favours by pretending that her way is normal and everyone else is the problem. I think there is probably some jealousy on his part around the fact that your upbringing and relationship with your parents has been so much more relaxed and that you don't have ingrained hang ups around things like using the toilet at other people's houses.

But your different upbringing is not your fault, just like his different upbringing is not his fault. If I were you I would explain that you are more than happy to be kind to his mother and take her as she is, even if it means sitting still in your chair hoping that you might be offered something to eat or drink, but you need him to meet you halfway and accept that this is not how things were for you growing up, and it is not how you want things to be for your children.

Your home belongs to both of you. It's not just his and it's not just yours. You are welcome to have your family visit you at home, and you can of course allow them to use the toilet and make cups of tea. He doesn't make the rules.

I would not reduce the amount you have your family over at all. Tell him that this is what is happening, and if he's not comfortable with it then he's free to go out.

Well done @clawcliphurts for taking control of this slightly bizarre situation.
If he doesn't want to hang out with your family, that's his perogative. At least you can now spend yome with your family without worrying about his reaction/feelings etc.

He sounds like he's been raised with some strange ideas about what is rude. But, he sounds unlikely to change, so let him do him and you do you.

Tbh I allow my parents to use our bathroom sounds weird too. "Allow" to use the bathroom???

In my opinion both sets of parents have their quirky ways, both good and not so good, It's your DH digging his heels in and insisting his parents way is the only way I find most sad, that and his total intolerance of people that are just different to what his used to. I wonder how you run your own household, do you have to get the 'dollies' 😊 out when your friends pop round for a cuppa, if they're allowed to just to pop round that is. You remind me of my my own family and my late husbands, similar to you his Mum was much much more formal and you didn't dare just pop in, which is sad as she missed out on lots of impromptu visits, whereas my family home was always loud and busy with people popping in and out constantly, the difference being that my late husband loved the difference. Don't let you dh cut you off from your family.

This is one of the most bonkers threads I’ve ever read.

Your husband is the problem here - not you or your family.

Your DH maybe is very anxious himself, maybe he feels in some way like he’s protecting his mum by holding her up as the only standard? The strange thing here is not accepting that different families do things differently. I wonder if he was allowed to go to friends houses as a child. You get on with his mum, you respect her ways, he is the one who is intolerant and judgemental. And it sounds like he thinks your family look down on him - do they? Does he assume that other people do this, eg at work?

Your partner sounds like hard work. I doubt my input is going to affect anything but he needs to loosen up a bit. Hope you can manage to keep the kids seeing both sets of grandparents.

His mum sounds lovely but fucked up, and your parents sound not at all fucked up, but not very nice.

You’re so blasé that they ignore your kids’ birthdays!

I was on the fence a bit when I read your first post, but leaning towards sympathising with your husband. Then I read your subsequent posts and realised that your parents are normal and your husband is batshit.

Don't allow him to try and isolate you, OP. Maintain the relationship with your parents. Whether or not you should maintain the relationship with your husband is a different question. I would want him to get some help, personally.

For what its worth, I think you have a very difficult problem here, with no easy answers. Your families are almost at opposite ends of a range of behaviours and while noone is wrong, working out how to jog along together is not easy.
It sounds like you recognise that, and are trying to help him to understand it too, which is the most anyone can do. I wonder if it would be worth trying to explain your insights to each of the grandparents?

To make your family work you all need to see how your behaviour appears to the others, and somehow move towards a place that works for you all.

You have much in common - you are an extended family, after all, with shared grandchildren who I'm sure everyone will want to nuture, protect and foster relationships even if there are different ways of showing it. Thats a good place to start.

Good luck

I wouldn't let anyone have a key and just walk in. That would make me very uncomfortable!
But using the loo, or making a cuppa? Of course!

I'd divorce him now, tbh.

He has friends round sometimes but he also does the hosting as he knows I am crap at the type of thing. It will be biscuits on a plate on the coffee table, tea in a teapot or a mug of coffee ( cafeteriere never instant) and always sitting in the sitting room. I have friends round and is much less formal which again he finds hard as I am not treating them with respect. He seems to think that most people don't use the toilet in other peoples homes as the people he has had round have never used it!!! This is good manners and etiquette. He says he has been brought up I have been dragged up.

I think you have a bit of a Husband Problem tbh

@clawcliphurts

How sad that your husband can't see and celebrate your birth family for who and what they are? People who don't stand on ceremony and treat their family as family instead of guests who must be contained. I would welcome the former but the latter would make the visit a nervous one for me.

What a pity he can't compromise and soften a little. After all, thank goodness we are not all the same in life and, provided we treat each other with mutual respect and kindness we should embrace each other's differences.

His attitude will drive the two of you apart at some stage unless he accepts that we are not all the same and we don't all do everything the same. Don't let his attitude adversely affect your children. 🌹

he's very judgmental! I don’t know how you can bear it!

my family is like yours and part of it is that even though I’ve left home when I am with my parents we act as we did when we did live together as a family.

was his mum like this when they were kids when there weren’t guests? Is your DH as restrictive with your kids in the house?

He sounds incredibly narrow-minded and judgmental. Can he not accept that you just have different approaches? Why is he so convinced that his way is the only right way?

I wouldn't be willing to tolerate his rudeness, personally. How dare he say that you have been "dragged up" just because you take a less formal approach?

The more I read, the more convinced I am that you would be better off without him.

What are you actually getting out of this relationship, OP?

I agree with other posters that I think that you have a husband problem here. He seems to want to be treated like it’s the 1950s!!! I would never expect to be waited on by anyone and I think he’s extremely rude and disrespectful to expect people to have to always follow his way. Where’s the compromise and tolerance?
At my mums she’ll make us a drink/food but we can do it too and often do! Same at either of my in laws. At our house I’ll make them a tea or whatever but they can use the kettle and make their own as well! I think your husband has a very strange attitude towards other people.

Very good point

He says he has been brought up I have been dragged up.

This comment alone would be enough to tell him to fuck off.

Your husband is a wanker.

Your husband is banging on about respect, how you host your friends is disrespectful, how your family host is disrespectful. All the while HE is disrespecting YOU by being judgmental of you and your family, with a good side helping of inverted snobbery. People are just different, people host differently, people have different family dynamics. if he can't see that, he's the problem.

He's also making an enormous mountain out of a molehill and finding an excuse to keep arguing with you.

Are you from different cultures?

Your parents sound very similar to mine. Their home is my home. When i go to my parents I can go anywhere I like, and do. I often take myself off for a nap in my mums bed and she brings me tea etc.

Any of my family, and even close friends, would be very welcome to do the same in my home.

I can't abide visitors who expect to be waited on. Or worse being a guest in the home someone who won't make a drink and you can't get your own. Awful!

as pp said, why can’t it just be that you are a bit different from each other? Why is he so rigid?

this would put my back up and I’d struggle to feel okay in a relationship like this

It sounds like your DH is very rigid and inflexible in his ways and acceptance of others. It sounds like he is extremely judgemental of anyone who does not conform to his strict social ‘rules’. Is this correct?
This makes me wonder how controlling your DH is of you and your home @clawcliphurts? Also, how does he manage this level of negative judgement in his workplace?

I think manners and etiquette can be used to bridge the gap when you don’t have a natural affinity or liking for someone. What feels like comfortable familiarity when there’s warmth and love, probably doesn’t have as much appeal if there’s indifference or dislike in the relationship.

I’m a little more sympathetic to your DH’s pov in this because I struggle with my pils in ways that are hard to pin down. It does sound like he’s projecting a bit (and I certainly am right now, but that’s the internet for you!) and maybe even deflecting excuses to end the relationship- is there more going on? My in laws have played a part in the breakdown of several relationships, and sil’s mental health issues. And my dh is oblivious. It’s probably for the best though.