Page 8 | Stuck between parents and DH

clawcliphurts · 2024-04-06T19:50:52+00:00

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different. He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

smartiecake · 07/04/2024 10:24

Your family sound totally normal OP, I don't see anything wrong with your behaviours.
Your H and his family are the ones with the problem. He is being very rude to them. This is definitely his problem. He is your problem sadly and I agree with others who say he is trying to alienate you from your family, don't let him do this.
He needs to accept the differences between your families 'norms' and welcome and accept your family for who they are just as you accept his.

Bruisername · 07/04/2024 10:25

I think you need to consider how you would feel living with his mum. Because that’s what is going to happen - he is going to be more and more like her when he ages. Are you happy for your daughters to feel they have to be invited? It all sounds so strange and he is very rigid if he can’t see that different people do things differently.

Comtesse · 07/04/2024 10:29

clawcliphurts · 06/04/2024 22:48

He thinks that my ex SIL and ex BIL found my parents informal ways hard to get their head round like he does and like him they never felt welcome because it is all fend for yourself and stand where you want. Ex BIL had several affairs so sister chucked him out EX SIL missed her family 200 miles away and her and my bro couldn't compromise so they went their separate ways

Show quote history

If this is real then his reaction is crazy! No one ever got divorced because of their in laws informal manners.

Is that it??? No closet racism? Rearranging your furniture? Alcoholism? They do sound like pretty hopeless grandparents but that’s about it.

He is being deeply deeply unreasonable.

Floppyelf · 07/04/2024 10:31

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:16

Me and the kids use the toilet in his mums house although we always have to ask and she insists we hope over with a wipe after use. She is very very house proud and she rarely leaves her house, you are not allowed to touch anything. She is a very anxious person and doesn't have many friends so her house is her pride and joy and when we visit she loves "playing host" although she doesn't always give us food and drink if she hasn't been able to get out due to her anxiety. When DH and his sister were little when they visited friends and family they were told it was rude to use someones elses toilet so always stopped off somewhere first. He still will not use toilets at peoples houses now! His sister realised when she went to friends houses as a teen that this was odd and now uses her mums toilet, but she doesn't visit often now as her 4 yr old is quite full on and she has gone completely the other way with her parenting very relaxed and informal so his mum thinks her grandson is a brat. He is 4. My kids when they were little loved sitting with her and playing games and doing craft but my nephew just likes to run around and she only has a tiny garden.

I like his mum she is very genuine and warm but very very stiff and formal, kids love her because everything is fancy and posh - sometimes we get food and drink sometimes we don't but if we do it is always a nice posh cake with little plates and forks and sat at the table. I have never stepped foot in her kitchen because that is her domain, she is always interested in everything because she does nothing herself and everything is all about them but my parents have a full and varied life when we see them we often end up talking about them and the latest cruise they have been on or play they have seen.

Kids like my family but they don't feel spoiled - it is just normal. Also MIL goes all out for their birthdays my parents but financially MIL is alot less able to spend the money on them whereas my parents are not short of money.

We have my niece's 18th in a couple of weeks - my sister is hosting and is open house - prosecco or champagne on the table beers in ice in a bucket buffet food on the table - it is a cop out to him because no one needs to host and it is rude and insolent to expect to get your own. It should be a sit down affair with my auntie my nieces mum pouring drinks and serving food and guests should not be expected to walk around or stand up. He as already said he won't be coming which is better for me as I can relax much more.

Erm his mum is insane and thus your dh has established some weird behavioural traits around being a guest. Your parents are normal. If you’re gonna divorce make sure you do before your parents die so he can’t get his hands on a inheritance of people he clearly dislikes

splashofcolour · 07/04/2024 10:31

@IAmThe1AndOnly

I agree with
@Nanaof1. It doesn't help if you start reading things that aren't there

ArcticOwl · 07/04/2024 10:36

Reading your last post OP, your MIL has some mental health issues that she has projected onto your DH's upbringing, and he needs to be made to realise his mothers OCD/Anxiety isn't normal, and nor is how she treated guests or behaved as visitors.

Dontsayyouloveme · 07/04/2024 10:38

He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them

Wtaf?? What is he saying here?! I’d tell him he’s quite happy to piss off now if he likes…. 🤬.

I agree, I think he’s looking for an excuse to leave…

Evilspiritgin · 07/04/2024 10:38

What is / was fil like? , your husband seems to have strict ideas on sex based jobs ie does he think only women should serve everyone

splashofcolour · 07/04/2024 10:40

@IAmThe1AndOnly

On no I'm wrong, she does say that!! Honest apologies

@Nanaof1

NOTANUM · 07/04/2024 10:43

For what it’s worth, my MIL sounded similar to your MIL but not as extreme. As the kids got older they didn’t want to play tea parties (which is what it is for them right now), quietly play board games and colouring, see the ducks or visit her old lady friends. They wanted to be normal kids: activities, shopping, tv, social media..
In fairness to my MIL she got with the new program as the kids got older. She ditched all the things above, modernised her house, will happily go to restaurants she would never visit before, texts for “gossip” - she is fantastic. All her grandkids love their modern nan now!
Is there a chance your MIL could be persuaded to modernise too?
Your DH has a fixed mindset on what is normal. I think that as your kids bring home friends to the house, this will explode.

Original poster

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:43

My parents are more financially well off move in highish social circles and eat out in expensive restaurants, they worked till their 70's in order to fund this lifestyle that they were used to and enjoyed. So in his eyes they are very very posh and snobby, and he hates the way they treat us all - with pure disrespect. (ie getting our own drinks, standing in the kitchen!) He says there is no warmth and love. His mum lives on a council estate and she has manners and follows etiquette and totally dotes on us when we visit but it is so stifling.

We have been married for 10 years and he is finding it harder and harder to deal with as time goes on. I am fed up of arguing about it so this morning I have told him he never has to visit my family again and if they come round (they now know to text or call) if he is home I will put them off or he can go out. I can't be bothered to argue about it anymore.

OP posts:

Mitsky · 07/04/2024 10:44

warmth and hosting is about people being comfortable in your house - which for me is being able to help myself, sit where I want, and I guess go to the toilet when I fancy!

Your husband is seriously misjudged in his views but that’s unsurprising based on the environment he’s grown up in.

1AngelicFruitCake · 07/04/2024 10:45

Some grandparents are very focused on the children, others aren’t and I do think your parents sound selfish. His mum sounds odd in her behaviour but generous in her own way.

CatherineofAmazon · 07/04/2024 10:46

Well done OP.
Don’t entertain his madness for a minute longer.

wellthisislovely · 07/04/2024 10:48

Your family sounds normal and his sounds uptight. The poorer one is the snob.

You are poles apart and I don't see any way of meeting in the middle as you both think your upbringing is normal. I would suggest that he gets counselling to talk through his issues, but he won't if he thinks your family is the odd one.

I don't know how you got this far if he despises your family so much

Nanaof1 · 07/04/2024 10:48

splashofcolour · 07/04/2024 10:40

@IAmThe1AndOnly

On no I'm wrong, she does say that!! Honest apologies

@Nanaof1

Actually, she says that has stopped. That they don't just pop over any longer.

@clawcliphurts my parents have never invited us we just of turn up as and when and they used to do this to us which he really really hated (this has been stopped now).

almostspring2024 · 07/04/2024 10:48

This sounds like inverted snobbery.
I haven't seen doilies for many years, I can recall my now very elderly DM saying they were 'common' when I asked as a child what they were.
This sounds like such a huge cultural and class difference that it wouldn't be surprising if the marriage couldn't last long term OP.
Don't like the sound of your DH tbh

NOTANUM · 07/04/2024 10:49

1AngelicFruitCake · 07/04/2024 10:45

Some grandparents are very focused on the children, others aren’t and I do think your parents sound selfish. His mum sounds odd in her behaviour but generous in her own way.

I think some grandparents set up a warm central spot for everyone to mingle - door always open, food in fridge, help yourself to drinks - and others focus on the entertainment. Neither is right or wrong really.

@clawcliphurts how is your DH with your kids’ friends or with your friends? Is it a very formal stifled interaction?

CrispieCake · 07/04/2024 10:49

Whatever the reasons, your husband sounds like a right pain in the arse. Can't stand people who expect others (mostly women) to wait on them hand and foot. He wouldn't be welcome at any party of mine.

I feel sorry for you because men tend to get grumpier and more set in their ways as they age, so god only knows what you'll be dealing with in 15 years time. It sounds like fun has well and truly left the building and it's downhill from here with him.

TimeGrabsYouByTheWrist · 07/04/2024 10:50

Other than kids turning the TV on when they want (which is just rude and definitely not a posh thing!) your family sound quite normal.

His family sound a little odd!

Your DH doesn't sound very flexible!

Springisroundthecorner · 07/04/2024 10:50

Of course every family will have differences in the way they interact - formal/informal, quiet/more social. Why is it grating on him more now - after how many years? Threatening to leave over it really seems very odd - is something else going on or did something happen recently that was "the last straw"?

He seems very rigid in his thinking, unsociable and maybe his mum has OCD? How does he cope with the loo at work?Whatever is going in his head his inflexibility and need for control will only worsen as he ages. I'd go see your DPs with the DC and leave him to sulk at home. Be very wary of letting his behaviour alienate you and your DC from f&f.

Your DD will of course manage her future home in her own way and he's already projecting his need for control onto her.

EllieQ · 07/04/2024 10:51

clawcliphurts · 07/04/2024 10:16

Me and the kids use the toilet in his mums house although we always have to ask and she insists we hope over with a wipe after use. She is very very house proud and she rarely leaves her house, you are not allowed to touch anything. She is a very anxious person and doesn't have many friends so her house is her pride and joy and when we visit she loves "playing host" although she doesn't always give us food and drink if she hasn't been able to get out due to her anxiety. When DH and his sister were little when they visited friends and family they were told it was rude to use someones elses toilet so always stopped off somewhere first. He still will not use toilets at peoples houses now! His sister realised when she went to friends houses as a teen that this was odd and now uses her mums toilet, but she doesn't visit often now as her 4 yr old is quite full on and she has gone completely the other way with her parenting very relaxed and informal so his mum thinks her grandson is a brat. He is 4. My kids when they were little loved sitting with her and playing games and doing craft but my nephew just likes to run around and she only has a tiny garden.

I like his mum she is very genuine and warm but very very stiff and formal, kids love her because everything is fancy and posh - sometimes we get food and drink sometimes we don't but if we do it is always a nice posh cake with little plates and forks and sat at the table. I have never stepped foot in her kitchen because that is her domain, she is always interested in everything because she does nothing herself and everything is all about them but my parents have a full and varied life when we see them we often end up talking about them and the latest cruise they have been on or play they have seen.

Kids like my family but they don't feel spoiled - it is just normal. Also MIL goes all out for their birthdays my parents but financially MIL is alot less able to spend the money on them whereas my parents are not short of money.

We have my niece's 18th in a couple of weeks - my sister is hosting and is open house - prosecco or champagne on the table beers in ice in a bucket buffet food on the table - it is a cop out to him because no one needs to host and it is rude and insolent to expect to get your own. It should be a sit down affair with my auntie my nieces mum pouring drinks and serving food and guests should not be expected to walk around or stand up. He as already said he won't be coming which is better for me as I can relax much more.

Reading this, it does sound as though your MIL has some mental health issues (anxiety/ OCD) meaning your DH has picked up some odd ideas from his upbringing, and it’s hard to break away from those. She does sound like a kind person, and it’s a bit worrying that she sometimes doesn’t offer you food because she hasn’t been able to get out - do you mean she’s going without food herself because her anxiety prevents her leaving the house to go shopping?

Your DH could be a controlling person who is trying to isolate you from your family, or he could be someone who has grown up with strict (strange) rules at home, unconsciously accepting that things must be done a certain way, and is struggling with the clash between the two families - small and quiet vs large and loud, rules vs relaxed, ‘proper’ hosting vs help yourself and make yourself at home, and after so many years it’s getting to him? Maybe as your children get older he’s realised they will notice the difference in the way they are treated? It’s hard to know what is happening here just from your posts.

What ‘rules’ does your DH enforce at home - do your children have to ask for snacks, do you have to ‘serve’ everyone, are the children allowed to have the TV on, or is he more like his mum?

Nanaof1 · 07/04/2024 10:54

@EllieQ
Those are great questions and viewpoints.

2chocolateoranges · 07/04/2024 10:56

Please don’t isolate yourself from your parents, to compromise I just wouldn’t invite them over so much.

i find your dh’s thinking very stifling, rigid and not the norm. I’d much rather people made themselves welcome in my home, helped themselves to tea and coffee and felt comfortable when here.

He has serious issues from his childhood that his mum has caused, she sounds like she has anxiety and OCD. [ wiping the toilet after each use is not the norm)

HesterPrincess · 07/04/2024 10:58

I didn't get on with DH's father, they'd had a difficult relationship after he and DH's mum had split, and he'd put his second wife before his children which really hurt DH. I would have not seen him at all by choice as he was quite a difficult and outspoken man, but I knew it was important to DH and so we had a very superficial relationship of kinds and DH thankfully grew much closer to him in his last years. When he passed away, DH was devastated and I knew that keeping contact had been the right thing to do.

Your DH sounds like an absolute arse, sorry. How can he resent the people who gave you life and made you into the person you are? It doesn't make sense.