Stuck between parents and DH

[clawcliphurts]

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

OP… I don’t know what to say other than this sounds really miserable. I feel like your dh might need counselling?! But then maybe it’s my ‘informality’. If my mil explicitly made me wipe the toilet after use, it would make me feel so uncomfortable! If my dh insisted my mother couldn’t make herself a drink or go to the toilet… I dunno if I could cope with this!

He has some very odd ideas about what is "proper", doesn't he? Does he think he's living in Downton Abbey? All the fuss about having to be invited, not making a drink, the Mr Kipling french fancies on a doillie, not using the loo and "hosting". It's like people being invited to take tea in the parlour by a Victorian spinster. Does he really think most people live and run their relationships like this?

Well done for managing this for ten years, it has been stressful for you I'd say, trying to keep everyone happy.

I could be way off but I feel like your husband's annoyance and anger is due to his own anxiety which he is masking.
He is finding relaxed social occasions hard as he isn't assigned a seat and served as a guest. At your sister's event, he will be expected to mingle and serve himself which he says is rude, it isn't.

He has expressed the fear that you will be like your parents and have a similar hosting style in the future. I would tell him that you will run things by him before organising events but he will also need to push himself to be sure that his children feel welcome to visit when they are older.

Can you imagine living with him, as his mother does now, in your later years?
Continue to attend social occasions with your family and give him a choice to go. Don't allow your social circle to close in, becoming just your own family unit.

The more you post the worse it gets his an abusive prick trying to belittle your family.The fact his sister is now the opposite is very telling. This is definitely ltb territory.

I'm astounded reading your posts OP. Your husband sounds completely insane. What he thinks is normal is way way beyond the normality of most households. How can you live like this? Your poor mum not being able to even make a cup of tea in your home. I can't believe you would entertain such abnormal behaviour. He needs psychiatric help. Surely you realise that your children could be fucked up by this strange behaviour! And him trying to blame your parents for your siblings divorce is disgusting. As are his threats that he will have to leave you because of them. You seem strangely passive about it and I wonder if he is succeeding in alienating you from your family. I take it he would love you both to be non contact from his comments? A pp had it right when they said your DH was a wanker!

I was all ready to make a comment about your parents being the problem but the more I read your updates the more I see your DH is the problem and his mum. Gosh it sounds terribly stuffy & uncomfortable at theirs- I’d much prefer to be at your parents!’ They sound chilled and welcoming, I don’t get what’s rude about that? Unless there’s something you are not seeing in their behaviour as their daughter that he sees? It does sound like they are not very good grandparents which isn’t great is it maybe that’s his bugbear but honestly asides that-family should be relaxed enough around each other to chill at their houses and be informal. Maybe ask him for more clarity what his problem is? Show him this thread? Make him see his mum’s formal ways are not the norm?

Does he ever visit other people in their homes? Does he wonder why no one else is like this?

That kind of over-hosting and formality is uncomfortable for me too! I’d feel like I needed to be on my best behaviour. It does seem slightly unusual that he is so uncompromising on hosting styles though.

I have no idea how you two got together in the first place!

He can fuck off quite frankly.

Please name one good point ( and please don't say he's a 'great dad'!)

One should always remember that the first thing an abuser will do is to try and drive a wedge between a potential victim and her family. He sounds creepy and dangerous.

Have you honestly never suggested that it's his parents that are weird? I wouldn't be able to sit there while DH slagged off my family and upbringing especially when his are so strange. Have you never pointed out that most families are like yours? Have you never pointed out that it is fucking strange to not go to the toilet in your parents house? I really hope you manage to get away from him OP because he sounds insufferable

I'd rather be dragged up than raised by controlling parents.

Dh and I had very different childhoods and our parents are polar opposites but we both compromise.

if one of us couldn’t compromise then it wouldn’t work.

Are your DHs friends like him? I'm really struggling imagine a man inviting other men over and sitting down formally like that. Is he really completely oblivious of how different he is to other people?

Your DH is showing some massive red flags for controlling behaviour; the main ones being his obsession with being shown respect, and his inflexibility.

He has very rigid ideas on how respect is shown. He demands respect, it has to be shown his way, and nothing else counts. Most cultures recognise that cultural differences exist, and recognise attempts to show respect.

Having read all of your updates, I feel sorry for your MIL, less so for your DH.

Yep. He also sounds weirdly jealous of her parents. He needs to get a grip of himself it’s clearly his issue and not them. OP be very wary will you somethings not right here.

I dont blame you that you dont want your children to shout and swear etc but not being too uptight and reserved is also good, kind of warmer. I had to found that out, not exactly a hard way but it has been a process ;)

I mean if my in laws didn’t bother remembering my kids birthdays or buying them Christmas presents and not interacting with them I’d be pretty pissed off too which would make me very intolerant of them.

you have both had very different upbringings, yous obviously need to either accept that or part ways.

Goodness me , it gets worse. He sounds a very angry man, like a bomb waiting to go off!How on earth have you put up withbthusbgor do long? He sounds like he despises your family (including you), as you are accepting of them and it is your idea of normal. Quite frankly, I'd tell him to piss of back to Hyancith Bouquet - I'm sure there must be some silver that needs polishing.

I think I would be asking myself what he wants for his own children when they are grown up? Would he need to officially invite his own children to your home or would they be able to just drop in? I think that alone would determine whether this relationship would work long term.

His attitude and his Mum's is not normal, the whole loo thing and dollies. It is almost like she has this idea of what it is to be "posh" and is replicating it at home.

"Are you from different cultures?"
**
I was thinking the same. But what culture doesn't want people to use the loo in their home?

Your husband has "inherited" his mother's anxiety, and need for things to be perfect. What a shame. Though I have to say, I come from a working class family in the north east, and none of my family or acquaintances, would dream of just knocking without ringing, or wandering freely around someone elses house, helping our/themselves to tea. Even if we have keys. We ask if it's OK to use the toilet - the answer is always yes, with no rules! We never visit, without being offered a drink etc, which is served to us in the living room. Buffet parties are normal tbough. Grandparents definately make a fuss of GC's special occasions (and adults). I can understand not wanting your parents to 'invade' (I like to relax, knowing no one is coming sometimes). However, it is odd that he can't cope with your parents house, and lifestyle being different. Don't let him limit your intetactions with your family, or tell you how to visit your own children in the future. That's not his call. He is anxious, and instead of dealing with it, he's making it all someone elses fault. He will limit your world, if you let him.

The issue isn’t either of your respective household’s expectations, it’s your husband’s intolerance.

I think he deserves some compassion in this as the root cause is obviously his own upbringing and, in turn, his mum’s. Growing up in difficult circumstances can make people very self conscious about how things are done or how one should fit in, as your life and well-being depends on that to some extent. When you grow up with resources you are often privileged not to have to worry about what others’ think and this gives confidence. Being in a buffet/mingle situation like your niece’s birthday, for someone who is completely unused to that and has had it drilled into them that you don’t do this/that when you’re ’in company’ must be incredibly daunting and stressful.

However, the above only goes so far. Your husband is now an adult and is now regularly exposed to people who do not host or interact the way his family did when he was a child. Either he can accept this difference, try to see some of the benefits and admit he feels completely out of his depth and you find a way to manage that (a bit of him avoiding, a bit of you sticking close to support his mingling etc). Or he continues telling you this is all bizarre and wrong. Ultimately, if he fails to see that, although his parents did their best for him in their own way, his childhood has naturally left him ill equipped to manage a range of social situations then he will always find dealing with your family/friends immensely challenging.

Perhaps if you approach this with him empathetically, and articulate that you can see how hard this must be for him then he will be able to admit that truth. Perhaps then some therapy would help him overcome some of his barriers. In the end you want your children to be accepting of difference and be able to have the tremendous advantage of being confident with a variety of people, so you’re not going to be able to conform to the way he is used to doing things and not should you. If he can’t accept that then this may be too big a gap to bridge. Unfortunately the fortunate upbringing you had and the inbuilt confidence it instilled in you has created a really different outlook to that of your H. It’s absolutely not wrong in the least, to me it seems normal too. But I can see how alien and intimidating it might seem to him. Take it a step at a time and see where you end up. But if he can’t look at his part in this then that is a genuinely huge problem in your relationship I’m afraid.