Stuck between parents and DH

[clawcliphurts]

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

You’ve got to choose your marriage (if you want a marriage). In our house, our marriage comes first. I speak from your DH’s perspective, as I very much appreciate being chosen over the in-laws. Move on, you’re not a child anymore, prioritise your own nuclear family, not the one you came from. IMHO.

Not if your husband is being batshit though. Then you are pandering to whims.

The OP said her and her siblings had keys to her parents' house. Not that the parents were letting themselves into hers.

Your husband sounds rigid and your parents sound a bit thoughtless on the grandchildren front. But only one of those is threatening you with withdrawal of a relationship

I allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses. He has never used the toilet in his mums house or made a drink - to me this is odd.

That's enough mumsnet for today....

I voted immediately that you’re not unreasonable, then read your updates first paragraph or two, and changed. They sound self absorbed and they don’t engage with your family other than on their terms.

no wonder your husband feels like he does.

Apart from the toilet I don't think there's a right or wrong tbh.

My MIL has always "hosted" us iyswim.

But when my husband visits alone & stays over he pitches in a lot more.

When we visited for weekends together we would always stay at my parents so it was easier to pitch in there.

We've always been too far away for just turning up & had never had keys on either side until parents were older.

I absolutely cannot tolerate people dropping round unannounced, but even I don't bat an eyelid at my adult kids doing it. Jesus, what's family worth if you have to wait to be summoned? As for not using the loo... utterly bizarre. It sounds like your DH's parents are insecure about their social status and play-acting at being posh. They are the cold ones, and your DH is projecting.

allow my parents to use our bathroom but DH will not use his mums bathroom as he was brought up to use public conveniences instead of using toilets in relatives houses.

• that is one of the strangest things I’ve read-if you are at their house you have to go out to a public toilet rather than use theirs?

I think you've got the wrong end of the stick with this. The DH seems to be trying to put his wife "in her place" so she cannot seek the support of her loving parents when needed. The DH wants total control which he feels he can't have in the current scenario. The op's parents have not done anything monstrous to the DH. I think the "whataboutery" you're describing is misguided in this particular case. To say the op brought herself up just sounds silly to me.

Now, if only OP said her parents pop right in whenever they want. But, OP never said any such thing, unless I missed it and I did read all of OPs posts, thrice in fact.

So, well done for a piece of fiction that has little basis in truth.

I cant get over that HIS mum uses doilies on china plates - but YOUR parents are the posh ones according to your H 😂

Are you living in "topsy turvy" world?

Your husband sounds horrible and controlling. I don’t believe his issue is really with your parents’ manner - it’s something he’s using to punish and control you.

Sorry OP, and I am saying this in a jokey way, but are you sure your siblings partners didn’t leave because of their weird BiL?

Your family sound normal to me. Apart from the grandchildren’s birthdays, they are certainly the same as my family and every family I know. My MiL was more formal, and I found it difficult to feel at home there, I always felt like the neighbour in Keeping Up Appearances.

In what weird universe do you not use the toilet in someone’s house?

100% agree.

OP, there are very very few situations where you should allow another person to influence your relationship with your family. If your family are extremely hostile to him, insulting, display isms towards him; if their presence in his life is both negative and overly frequent so a reasonable person would consider it intrusive; and/or if they are harmful to you and your partner is trying to protect you.
Nothing you have described here indicates anything more than a clash of personality and lifestyle, and if your husband cared for you he would accept the minor inconvenience of that for your sake. Instead he appears to be a controlling entitled person who expects everyone to live in accordance with his ways as the 'right ones'.
I'd strongly recommend you do not give in to his ultimatums. Keep them as separate as you can, but don't distance yourself on his command. Because after he's got rid of your family he will have free rein to mould you and the children into his image (and he has been raised in a very atypical way and will be the product of that) and you won't have the support to resist.

This is absolutely mad. I’d be horrified if my family didn’t feel comfortable in my home or like they couldn’t just pop in anytime. I have a key to my parents home and both my parents and inlaws have a key to ours. I understand not helping yourself in a friend or acquaintances house but family?? Completely different. I’d find his family cold and aloof for their invite only visits and doilies. My DP were here for the weekend and my mum would empty the dishwasher, make a cuppa. There have been times they’ve visited in the summer and my dad has cut the grass! My DP works long hours and my dad likes to help/ be busy so he cut the grass while DP was at work. DP was delighted as he was planning to do it at the weekend and he hates it so saved him the bother!
Your parents grandparenting is far more of a problem than letting their family feel comfortable in their home. The fact they show no interest in your children and don’t bother with birthdays, Christmas or interact with them is cold but that doesn’t seem to be your DHs concern. He sounds insecure.

I can neither agree or disagree with you.

Some stuff sounds batshit - like not being able to use the toilet at his parents house but other things are just manners!

I HATE people dropping in unannounced and when people do visit, I always offer to make tea/drinks. I remember once when my DH parents visited and went through my snack cupboard and ate the chocolates I’d be saving for myself as a treat. That’s just the height of rudeness to me and pissed me off no end. I always ask at my mum and dad’s house “is it alright if I have a biscuit/a coke/a cup of tea etc” they’ll never say no but it’s just polite manners to ask (that said, my nearly 3yo has no qualms about opening the fridge and demanding a yoghurt at their house 🤣). Also sometimes my mum says she’ll make a cuppa and I’ll tell her to sit down and I’ll make it for her. It’s just the way I’ve been raised and my parents couldn’t love me, or my children more.

I can’t get over not using the toilet in his parent’s house. One of the craziest thing I’ve ever heard. Did this come about as soon as he moved out of the home? His family have serious issues.
Your parents seem to have their faults but nothing serious.
I would be telling him he cannot and will not influence your relationship with your family.
If he doesn’t like it he can sod off.

I can't really make head nor tail of this.

The not being able to use the toilet is one of the most bizarre things I've ever heard. Also quite normal imo to be able to make a drink in your families house.

Are you letting yourselves into your parent's house or are they letting themselves into yours too? I personally couldn't stand my in laws letting themselves into my house unexpectedly but I'm sure I'd be fine with my grown up kids doing so.

It's interesting that your children prefer going to his mums and that you say your parents forget their birthdays.

I feel as though there's a lot more to this.

I agree you need something in between.

I wouldn’t call your parents the loving ones if they can’t be bothered buying presents, have become selfish and don’t really interact with their grandchildren. His mum sounds better in this way (nice that she plays with her grandchildren etc).

But his mums rules are very very strange, you can’t go to the toilet / make a drink.

It’s going to be hard to change them if theve always been this way. I think you just need to tolerate each others families and accept each has their good / bad points.

Me and the kids use the toilet in his mums house although we always have to ask and she insists we hope over with a wipe after use. She is very very house proud and she rarely leaves her house, you are not allowed to touch anything. She is a very anxious person and doesn't have many friends so her house is her pride and joy and when we visit she loves "playing host" although she doesn't always give us food and drink if she hasn't been able to get out due to her anxiety. When DH and his sister were little when they visited friends and family they were told it was rude to use someones elses toilet so always stopped off somewhere first. He still will not use toilets at peoples houses now! His sister realised when she went to friends houses as a teen that this was odd and now uses her mums toilet, but she doesn't visit often now as her 4 yr old is quite full on and she has gone completely the other way with her parenting very relaxed and informal so his mum thinks her grandson is a brat. He is 4. My kids when they were little loved sitting with her and playing games and doing craft but my nephew just likes to run around and she only has a tiny garden.

I like his mum she is very genuine and warm but very very stiff and formal, kids love her because everything is fancy and posh - sometimes we get food and drink sometimes we don't but if we do it is always a nice posh cake with little plates and forks and sat at the table. I have never stepped foot in her kitchen because that is her domain, she is always interested in everything because she does nothing herself and everything is all about them but my parents have a full and varied life when we see them we often end up talking about them and the latest cruise they have been on or play they have seen.

Kids like my family but they don't feel spoiled - it is just normal. Also MIL goes all out for their birthdays my parents but financially MIL is alot less able to spend the money on them whereas my parents are not short of money.

We have my niece's 18th in a couple of weeks - my sister is hosting and is open house - prosecco or champagne on the table beers in ice in a bucket buffet food on the table - it is a cop out to him because no one needs to host and it is rude and insolent to expect to get your own. It should be a sit down affair with my auntie my nieces mum pouring drinks and serving food and guests should not be expected to walk around or stand up. He as already said he won't be coming which is better for me as I can relax much more.

Carry on as you are with your parents. But if he's there when they're at yuor house you'll probably have to ask them to not treat it as their own. If he's not there - carry on as before.

I would not bother taking him to your parents' any more, and frankly if i have to sit parched waiting for some woman with weird (to be) rules around guests, i would let him take the DCs to visit them without me.

As for how you are around your adult DCs? that is up to them, surely, not him.

Has his mother possibly got OCD, this is the only reason I can think of for the toilet issue.

I think you’re on to something that it is some sort of jealousy - his family is dysfunctional and yours seem warm and accepting of each other and, being in a similar set up myself, it is very uncomfortable. For me, seeing my partner’s family made me sad about my family of origin and to warm up to my DP’s. He won’t allow himself to see how dysfunctional his family is because then he needs to do something so, it’s easier to attack them as rude, weird, etc

So, what you're saying here is that you have essentially let your husband and his ridiculous upbringing (seriously, who doesn't use the bathroom at a relatives house? thats insane) alienate your relationship with your parents to the point he's telling you that you either dump them, or he leaves?

It's not like your parents are doing anything wrong, he is being so unreasonable here. If he feels that strongly, tell him to pack his bags and get stuffed.

The part about the nieces birthday.. just wow, I have no words. And how interesting that he expects the “aunties, nieces and mum” to do the serving…
Agree with PPs who said his family play acted at being (misogynistically) posh and he’s projecting all his issues onto you. Sounds awful