Stuck between parents and DH

[clawcliphurts]

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

It really doesn't sound any better from 'his' perspective.

Your husband and his mum sound batshit crazy.

He says he has been brought up I have been dragged up

Op he is the rude one referring to your upbringing as this.

How does he parent your own DC? Do you want them to grow up with his hangups? His views are so old fashioned its insane.

I dated somebody once who had very rigid views imposed on him by his parents that very much went against how most people live, and I had to end it as we could never understand the other's POV.

What were you hoping to gain from this thread @clawcliphurts ?
You are allowed to think for yourself you know, you don't always have to agree with your dh. It would be a shame for your children if you were to cut off your family. I feel this is what you are trying to talk yourself into. It would be a very bad decision.

Your families sound very different from each other and there are pros and cons with both. Apart from the issue with people using the toilet they are just at different ends of a normal spectrum. His Mum sounds like a nice lady but with some anxieties (possibly OCD). Your family sound easy going but a bit self centred and not very interested in the kids.
Your husband's reaction sounds rigid and extreme. Neither set of parents has said anything horrible, overstepped or interfered in an inappropriate way.
If your parents drop into your house unannounced very frequently I would ask them to text to make sure you're in. You could have other visitors or be busy.
Most people wouldn't like their In laws or parents to have a key and turn up randomly, but it's not clear whether this is what's happening.
From the information you have given it's very odd that your husband would attribute fault for your siblings' divorces to your parents. I can't see that they have done anything that wrong.
I wouldn't tell your Mum not to make a drink in your house if you don't mind her doing so but if you're having frequent unexpected visits I would reduce that. Otherwise don't allow your husband to isolate you from your family.

Bloody hell I've only read the OP's posts and I'm fed up of him.

He's downright rude to insist that his way is the only way and your way is just wrong. Different families have different ways of doing things and he needs to accept that it's nothing to do with one way being better than the other!!

Looking at it from another pov, I don't mind people coming in to my home and making themselves a drink, using the loo etc but that's because I only have people over who I'm close enough to not mind them making themselves at home here.

Really tough situation and not easily resolved as it is just a different way of doing things.....
My parents and I very much make ourselves at home in each others houses....... think DH is fine with this. Tho he will always be made a drink or food, rather than help himself - he does offer to cook bigger meals at my parents, to help.
My PILs have both died now, but use to help out at their direction, as they were less able to do things.
Whilst both families pretty much get on with each other, DH and I have always agreed that we can see our own family without each other, if that is better for everyone. Sadly, if you're DH isn't happy, he's just going to have to absent himself on occasions - you do not have to choose between parents and DH, he just has to grow up a bit, accept the differences and how he chooses to deal with it.....

Am I the only one finding it uncomfortable to read all these people calling this man's mother 'batshit', 'crazy' and a 'weirdo'.

She sounds like she's got bad anxiety and maybe something else like OCD or agoraphobia, maybe all 3, but she sounds like a caring woman who has perhaps sadly given her own children some odd and rigid views. This doesn't make her 'batshit crazy'.

It sounds like ops husband finds ops family too much but that doesn't give him the right to try to force op to cut off her family. He needs to understand and accept that his way isn't the only way and compromise.

Calling this poor probably unwell woman crazy and taking the puss out of her doilies is rotten.

Maybe the Mil has few friends because when she has invited anyone over in the past people not being able to use the bathroom and standing on ceremony with little cakes and doilies mean they don’t come again

Are you sure this formality within the family isn’t a way of hiding bigger issues

life is too short to "only tolerate people"

I wouldn't waste my time with anyone who could come out with something so crass, let alone have a relationship with them

You and your family sound great OP. Him and his on the other hand ...

Calling this poor probably unwell woman crazy and taking the puss out of her doilies is rotten.

Maybe she's not as "batshit" as everyone on here thinks she is.

Maybe the doilies are a nod and a piss take of OP DP's.

Who knows.

@clawcliphurts

It's all about tolerance and 'horses for courses', isn't it? Your parents aren't 'wrong', his mum isn't 'wrong', they're just different.

The problem is that whereas you are accepting of the differences in your parents and his mum and just get on with things, he is intolerant and unaccepting of your parents 'ways'. And he's verbal and insulting about it to boot! Personally, I'd get the ick with that. I could deal with him saying "I'm not going to your parents anymore", but not with to him giving me hell about the way they are. Nor would I tell my parents not to make a cup of tea in my kitchen. It's OUR house, I'm just as entitled to treat my guests as I wish to as he is. And if he doesn't like it, he can absent himself.

I have no idea of why he's so intolerant and frankly, I wouldn't really care. What I would care deeply about is his insulting words and behavior (especially if it's obvious to your DC), and his rigidity. The former is so disrespectful to you (and your parents if he doesn't trouble to hide it), the latter would worry me as far as how it might affect our children as they get older. Is he going to be this rigid about school, hobbies, friends, etc? If he is so rigid about being invited, sitting up to the table for everything, and guests not using the bathroom that's going to have a negative affect on your DC's ability to have friends over and may inhibit their ability to make friends if they don't feel comfortable having them over because Dad insists everything be 'just so'. It may also drive them out of the house and into their friend's homes. I certainly wouldn't have felt comfortable if I felt that every time I went to a friend's house I felt like I was going to a state dinner at Buckingham Palace! OK, that's hyperbole, but you get my point.

And as an older person myself, I have seen how when people age many of their characteristics, good and bad, often become exaggerated because we tend to get get set in our ways. Is he going to start demanding that you emulate his mother? Is he going to start having tantrums or become hugely angry if things aren't done 'his way'?

You've got a bigger problem that needing to put doilies on plates.

The reverse would be:

My in-laws never invite us around. They tell us to just turn up if we want to see them. But when we do, they never offer us drinks and just have us stand in the kitchen at times. They show no interest in the children either when we visit. The kids usually end up sitting in front of the TV or outside. They're also not bothered about seeing them on their birthdays, and they don't buy them presents either. My wife has to buy presents to give to the children pretending they're from the grandparents so the kids won't know.

They used to turn up at our house uninvited and help themselves (while ignoring the children). We put a stop to this at least. My mother never turns up uninvited, and we never turn up at hers uninvited either. When we do go to visit her, she is always happy to see all of us and is very welcoming. It is clear she puts in a lot of effort for these visits. She serves us tea and cake and make a fuss of the children playing games with them. They love going there.

AIBU to think my In-Laws are rude and terrible grandparents?

(P.S. I can't poop in their house, but I can't poop in my mum's house either.)

This is the party I found strange. And that he's reevaluating their relationship

You've been together 10 years @clawcliphurts , and your families have presumably always been the way they are. What has changed recently to bring about these comments from DH??

I think from his perspective the just dropping in and never being invited are things I would address because that to me isn’t something I would want. My parents come round a lot but always drop a text or confirm a time they never just turn up and the times we have needed to go round I always ring them to check.

and how uninterested are your parents.

having read the updates I agree with other posters, the issue is primarily with your husband. He seems very arrogant and unyielding, convinced his upbringing is the only 'right' way whereas most people's relationship with their parents and level of formality would be a lot more akin to yours with your parents. His mother is clearly unwell, even his sister has realised their upbringing was weird and has gone the other way, and his mother has reacted by disapproving of that and rarely seeing her other GC.

His views are contradictory and nonsensical - your parents are apparently too posh and aloof but your family's way of hosting is much more informal and friendly? Basically it sounds as though he disapproves of anything that isn't exactly the way he and his mother would do things, and then struggles to justify it. It sounds very unlikely that your siblings relationship break down was anything to do with your parents but he's grasping at straws to 'prove' he's right.

I would be very careful, he and his mother have already shown they are happy to cut people off if they don't behave as they want. As your kids grow up, how long are they going to be happy having tea parties with 'doilies' at MILs house? He's also already started to interfere in how he thinks your relationship will be with your kids once you're older - whereas I can't imagine you WANT your grown up DC to not want to use your toilet when they visit you or feel they can't get themselves a drink?

The only things your parents seem to do 'wrong' is be a bit crap about paying attention to your DC and not getting them anything for their birthdays, which yes does seem a bit rubbish/selfish when most GP like to dote on DGC but is within the bounds of usual behaviour. Everything else on your family's side seems completely normal and fairly healthy, whereas his mother's 'rules' and behaviour is very odd and unhealthy. Yet despite the fact you both must objectively (assuming you have fairly normal friendships, colleagues, acquaintances) be aware that your family is more normal you are willing to listen to other POV and compromise and he is not. Which is a red flag for how he is going to parent your DC as they get older and want to do things differently to his very set and weird ideas of what is right.

Women on here are told all the time to cut off inlaws, to just let their DH take the children to see them etc. How is this any different? Why must he tolerate them because he is a man?

I suspect now that they have had children he is showing his true colours and laying down the law. Op has stopped her family dropping round without notice, stopped them from making so much as a cup of tea in her house, but he's not happy and is wondering whether she will turn into her mother and is reconsidering their relationship. has even said he should have run when he had the chance, ie, regrets marrying her. He's trying to isolate her from her loved ones, which is rule no1 in the abusers handbook.

The points being made about the kids as they grow up is a valid one and needs addressing.

Is your DH going to insist if your children have guests over that they sit in the living room and be served tea and cake, while you all make polite conversation with them, and they're disallowed from using the bathroom?

He will drive your kids away.

But that isn’t the AIBU at all—so its not the reverse. OP isn’t asking for judgement about who is the better grandparent—she accepts her MIL idiosyncrasies and socializes with her on her own terms snd does not badmouth her to the children or forbid her the house. The OP’s AIBU is about her husband’s controlling and rejecting behavior—even threatening divorce if she won’t cut off her parents.

Yes, I agree. She sounds like a kind Grandma with some mental health issues and anxieties, not a batshit weirdo. Terms like that seem to be frowned on by MN except when describing a MIL. Try using them on the mental health and neurodiversity threads and see what response you get!

His mum sounds extremely peculiar

He is threatening to cut HIS WIFE OFF.

My family is somewhat middle class, we do a mixture of both the OPs and her MIL's style.

You don't turn up unannounced, but once here you can make yourself at home, we do offer tea/coffee/drinks and snacks if people want them, but we're also the kind who for big gatherings put out a buffet and let people wander around/help themselves and sit/hang wherever they like... and we always let people use the bathroom.

OP... so if you visit your MIL for the whole day, what on earth does your DH do if he needs the toilet? Walk to the nearest pub and use theirs? (also bloody rude as an ex barmaid btw)

Because the husband in this case wants OP to also cut all contact with her parents