Stuck between parents and DH

[clawcliphurts]

My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

agree
he's also said op has been dragged up while he has been brought up properly. which is truly the most disrespectful thing.

also op you've said Sometimes your mil doesn't offer anything, what does your husband think of that? What sort of hosting is that?

Am I right in thinking you prefer your Parents behaviour towards your DC over how his Parents interact with them?

If so you find it quite normal that your Parents "just can't be bothered"

Your parents...
They are rubbish with the kids birthdays, they often don't bother to see them and at christmas I always end up buying gifts for them to give them because they just can't be bothered and I get that - they have become very selfish since retiring because they are so busy being busy.

His parents....
We have 2 kids and kids love going to his mums because she will play games with them and talk to them about school etc and they get biscuits on china plates with "dollies" - there name for doilies, whereas at my parents they either watch TV in the conservatory or play in the garden but grandparents don't really interact with them

Your husband sounds insane.

Now that I see your updates , I have different opinion , your parents are to aloof so I give him that but you feeling at ease etc that just normal i certainly will make myself a drink if I’m at my parents or even a meal if I see fit lol
how was his dad ? I’m asking as that sort of of very strict setup normally comes from abusive relationships. Are you sure this wanting to show manners is not a cover up from constant abuse ? Has he ever discussed this ? Can’t he not see that so nit normal ? Do your kids not explain to him that’s nit what happens at their friends or in the real world ?

This is what everyone keeps ignoring while they're busy throwing insults at the DH and his mother.

One granny is a great granny. The other doesn't give a shit. But the OP is fine with that because she is used to it and therefore doesn't think her children deserve better.

I also think he’s forced you to try to be critical of your own family, and so you’re identifying ‘problems’ where there aren’t really any.

Your family are normal. He and his are not.

And his controlling behaviours, threatening to leave you, constant criticism of your family, refusing to engage and making up reasons for the end of your siblings’ marriages, are fucking huge red flags. 🚩

Having read your updates, I can see that his mum is suffering from mental illness, at times quite debilitating.

Is he aware of this? It doesn't sound like it. Actually it sounds like he may be headed the same way.

Yanbu. Be careful enabling this behaviour. It's a slippy slope. Oh and he's very rude.

Your husband's family seem very odd and extremely formal to me. Not using someone's toilet and not being allowed to make a drink is strange behaviour and I wouldn't feel very welcome in such an environment.
I visit my DDs house regularly and she and her DH and husband come here. They would think it very odd if I asked to use the bathroom or to make a drink. They also make themselves completely at home at my house too including putting on the TV if they want to!
OP your husband shouldn't be making you choose that is controlling behaviour. If he doesn't want to see them that's his decision but he can't make you cut them out of your life. They just sound like normal people his parents on the other hand....

Teaching children that adults are imperfect humans early on stops the bullshit OPs husband is struggling with in adulthood. It’s good for then to see the contrast and to recognise the imperfections in each relationship.

its ok for people not to be doting grannies. Nothing in the post suggests OPs parents don’t give a shit about their grandchildren just that their priorities are different. It’s also ok for the other granny to spoil them as long as they don’t think like their dad does that it’s how everyone should treat them.

it doesn’t sound like the kids are missing out on anything so how do they deserve better?

It's really nothing to do with the in-laws or the parents though. It's all to do with the DH's need for control. If the DH feels so strongly he should stay away from his wife's family but he cannot dictate to her. You can prefer whatever and whoever you like but it's not right to push those preferences onto others.

Your family is totally normal. I had a key to my parents house (and my grandparents house) and it was expected that I'd use it, and drop in. My Grandparents used to love it when we dropped in unexpectedly.

I can't imagine not being allowed to use the toilet at a family members house!

It was also totally expected that if you wanted a drink, you got one and offered to make for everyone else. Due to ageing the relative I visit most often now is my brother. If I waited for him to offer me a drink I'd die of dehydration!

His version of hosting is telling me where the secret snacks are as his partner is controlling of the chocolate biscuit stash.

You think it is fine that grandparents don't bother with grandchildren on their birthdays nor buy them presents? And if that is fine, why does the OP buy presents then pretend they're from the grandparents?

I’m finding this post batshit

You also need to consider in this how you wish your interactions with your own children and grandchildren to be when they get older. Do you want people to come and go and feel comfortable to make themselves at home or do you want a cold by invitation only visits where your husband will be fuming you dare play with the grandkids

I see issues on both sides. Having said that, each family and each household inevitably has its own ways of doing things and guidlines on what is acceptable and what is not.
I would say coming into a home that is not yours and switching a TV, taking stuff to eat or making yourself a hot drink and basically behaving like you are in your own home is a bit rude in general. It will be different if its the case of an adult child in their parents house, especially if its the house were the daughter/son have grown up. I guess in many families it would be agreed to some extent that you do not need to ask permission on every single occasion. But a mother or mother-in law doing this in her adult child's and their partner's home is not acceptable in my view. Perhaps unless the spouse has also agreed upfront that its something they are happy with. Another difference would be whether you are visiting for lunch/dinner/afternoon/evening or staying for a couple of days as then you would likely be expected to make yourself a bit more at home, within what you are told to do for yourself.

The toilet thing is obviously weird, cant really imagine how that works.

So taking another angle if I husband wrote this from his POV . I think the post would read something like this.

My IL's come in my house uninvited and make themselves a cup of tea or a drink - they don't show much of an interest in me or the children. If we go to them we sometimes stand in the kitchen and are expected to get our own food or drinks which is downright rude. We are guests in their home and need to be treated with respect.

When I go to my mums she is so excited to see us all as she doesn't see many people she doesn't go out much so she spoils us with a beautiful cake or biscuits and we all sit down in her perfectly clean and spotless house which has made an effort to look clean and tidy for visitors. If my mum comes to my house it would always be invitation only - it would very rude of her to text to ask to come over. If her anxiety is bad and she hasn't been out for supplies we are all quite happy just being able to see her and talk to her - it isn't all about food and drink. I would never expect to use her toilet in HER house that is for her use only and I feel uncomfortable using anybody's toilet in their house.

Family get togethers are all about the host waiting on the guests hand and foot and the guests not having to lift a finger and always having a seat to sit down in.

You're a bit confused. "Cold" granny is the one who plays with the grandkids. "Comfortable" granny is the one who doesn't bother with them when they come around, nor on their birthdays.

The problem here—the ONLY problem—is the DH’s fragility and rigidity. OP is able to manage socializing with both sets, and her children can too. It is the DH who can not tolerate any deviation from the perceived perfection of his family’s culture.

This story has crossed a classic mumsnet tripwire: class and a lot of posters feel uncomfortable “supporting” OP s posh parents and fantasize that lace doily grandma is the underdog who needs support and approval. But this is just entering into the DH’s disturbed psychological prison in which there is a right and wrong way to do things and the “wrong” people must be chastised and avoided.

This is simply absurd. He can’t tolerate being told to “help yourself” at a buffet party with free flowing drinks?

Your dh sounds like his mother’s anxiety and agoraphobia have flipped his idea of what is and isn’t considered cold and aloof in a person.

It sounds like his mother has taught him some very strange things.
I actually think he and his mother need therapy.

If he grew up using the toilet at his mother’s house and not having special invites to breakfast, lunch and dinner. Does he consider this upbringing as cold aloof and disrespectful given this is how your parents are treating you and that is what he describes your parents as being

(Where on earth does his mother buy doilies. I didn’t think they were sold anymore. I have never used them and I am probably older than his mother. They were something old people in the 1960s and 70s used to pretend they were posh)

And if that is fine, why does the OP buy presents then pretend they're from the grandparents?

Agree with this.

Teaching children that adults are imperfect humans early on stops the bullshit OPs husband is struggling with in adulthood.

Surely OP Isn't teaching her DC that their GP's are imperfect though, by buying gifts on their behalf, if this is the case she'd not bother, seems she doesn't want the DC knowing just how imperfect her own DP's can be.

OP why not just wait to see if your DC
notice Nan & Grandad Claw didnt get them a present and just tell them the truth?

Free for alls are a neurodiverse persons nightmare. My ds is quite happy sitting down and making polite conversation with the person either side is fine, he has worked hard on this. A noisy over stimulating room with with unclear rules about what and how much to eat and having to find someone to talk to and hold their attention is a nightmare. This is also true for introverted people generally. I do hope people don't call my ds a 'weirdo' just because he finds these things difficult to cope with. My rather overwhelming family are still sensitive enough to others that they make sure that there is always a quieter corner and to ensure that all the family are comfortable not just those who 'fit in'

Op, I asked this before but does everything have to be done your DH’s way??

I suspect so, because he sounds so incapable of accepting anyone else’s way of doing things.

Posting it from your Hs point of view doesn't make it sound any more reasonable OP. Fact remains, your parents are nowhere near the level of issue that would prompt a normal person to want you to cut ties with them on pain of your marriage being over. Do you want your children to grow up with his frankly bizarre toilet embargo, expectation women must serve their guests, and other odd life rules as their only influence? Because right now your (flawed but normal sounding) family are providing some much needed balance.

This.

This is only a guess written by you of his thoughts though.
His real take on the situation could be very different..

Would he really write things like we all sit down in her perfectly clean and spotless house