Stuck between parents and DH

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My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

It sounds as if your MIL anxieties have been justified to herself and your DH as manners - the toilet and kitchen thing is insane and definitely sounds like some kind of anxiety/hygienie in plan

that said I do think outside of close family hosting is expected and when friends come round and to get drinks etc. I would expect some hosting at your nieces and some getting it yourself

I think your Dh sounds like a bit of a twat. He wants everyone to sit around formally and be served food. He cannot stand that others don't live like he wants and don't want to live like his ideal.
If this is so awful for him maybe he needs to go home to his Mum and stay there. He sounds like he doesn't like you or your family very much or at all. Your side of the family are half of his children's family, much to his disgust. He sounds unyielding and snobby.

His poor mum though. Shes passed on alot of her insecurities to her son and there seems to be a fine line between being a nice host (offering drinks, making cakes) and then being anxious and uptight (no use of the loo, waiting to be offered a drink) around family.

I think instead of dh enabling her behaviour he should be trying to build a bridge. And that’s ok him. He’s not making any concessions for his mum who is mentally unwell. And I question that. I question his rationality.

I think your family sound completely normal. Your husband on the other hand sounds like a right moaner. If he doesn't like your family then he needs to either suck it up for your sake or just not visit. Actually I would leave him at home because you would all have a much nicer time without him. He can stay at home and practice folding his doilles.

I think you just have very different outlooks on life. To him, visiting someone else's house makes him the guest and the owners the host. So he finds your parents rude because they don't treat guests well (expecting them to make their own drinks etc), whereas you and your parents see it as something more casual where there is no need for airs and graces. I'm sure there is more to it than that, but overall it is just different opinions on how people should behave. Your parents don't help by showing no interest in their grandchildren or bothering to buy them birthday presents. That just reinforces his opinion that they are selfish and don't care about other people, whereas his mother actively tries to make people feel welcome by hosting them/waiting on them and interacting with the children.

So everyone has completely missed the important bits again.

According to Mn your family are fine, just because they are relaxed or CBA to actually make an effort. They don't bother engaging with your kids, can't be arsed about their birthdays yet they are all cool. Off course they let you do whatever at theirs, because they can't be bothered so they get away looking all relaxed and normal. Op has even admitted that they are selfish people.

The IL's just prefer to wait on you and have that one odd take on the toilet. Yet they engage with the kids and have time for them.

Typical Mumsnet. I would rather your IL than your parents.

Also-
your parents sound quite careless, and I don’t like that for my my kids that would hurt my feelings.

however all the casual interactions at the ILs sound very normal.

Ruined by it!

He’s sounding weirder and weirder. He’d have died at my cousin’s house, we had an Easter party, everyone helped themselves to buffet food, cakes, drinks, after the initial offer of drinks, everyone just helped themselves.

Is he an inverted snob? Mum lives on a council estate and is formal/stifling, so he has been brought up to believe that he needs everything on plates/served? Sounds awful, frankly. He also sounds very controlling. I repeat, is he prepping to leave you using your parents as an excuse?

Where did he meet his friends? I'm struggling to imagine a group of young men congregating in a friends sitting room to have biscuits served to them on plates with doilies and tea poured from a pot. And then sitting there, legs crossed because they can't use the toilet. It's absolutely fascinating.

How does he react when you and the kids use the toilet at your MIL’s? Is he OK with it or does it cause arguments when you get home?

It sounds like hes giving you an ultimatum- if I were you I'd use it and leave. His upbringing is very very strange, not his fault, but absolutely his fault not to now realise this and project his weird behaviour on you and your totally normal family. If you don't leave at least recognise his behaviour for what it is, weird and controlling and don't give your poor family any more odd rules in your home as you will alienate them

So many questions. How does he behave with your own children? Are they allowed to get themselves a drink? What happens when your children's friends come over and need the toilet?

Your husband sounds worse and worse the more you post about him. He’s been brought up and you’ve been dragged up?! What a fucking shit thing to say. Why on earth would you even want to remain with him - he is SO rude about you and your family!!! He sounds like he has a massive chip on his shoulder about rich people and you and your family are punished for this. He sounds like an absolute emotional bully who is wanting to leave you but has no balls so your parents are going to be used as the excuse. Awful man!

To me I’d see that as a huge indication he’s not happy with your relationship and he’s using your mum and dad and break up of your siblings relationships as a reason (when it’s not).

This is such bullshit: the situation does not have to “balance” —both families have their good points and their discomfitting side. But I can assure you that childhood relationships with someone with severe, untreated, mental illness like OCD, agoraphobia , generalized anxiety and hoarding (which isn’t present here) is extremely destructive to children and the temporary delight if grannies doilies will not make up for it in the long rum.

Your MIL’s approach is anxiety dressed up as etiquette. It’s a shame your DH can’t see that.

It’s easier for him to regard her as respectful rather than mentally ill, but maintaining that facade is only possible by him outright rejecting relaxed approaches to hospitality, such as that shown by your family.

Basically, he has mummy issues, and it’s getting in the way of your marriage.

This is all so weird! My husbands family sound more like yours and mine a bit more stuffy and insular, though they would ask to use the loo at someone’s house, needs must! I do occasionally find my husbands lot a bit overwhelming, but that’s definitely a me problem not a them problem. I do my best to fit in and then take some decompression time after it’s over! Your husband’s reaction sounds really odd! It’s like he needs to get out more and realize families are all different, it’s fine and he should try and actually enjoy being in amongst something different for his own personal growth!

I have read all your threads, Op but not the others.

Your husband (and his mother) sounds like an inverted snob. And also as if he is jealous of you/ family's casualness so he is making out that you/they are wrong. To me it sounds like both family's are great in their own way. You aren't being a prat telling him his family are wrong because you've accepted that's how they are. It's such a shame because he seems to be making a drama out of nothing and he's going to lose something in the process.

OP I don't think there's anything wrong with your family's way of doing things. Possibly because I and my siblings had the same relationship with our parents.

I find his way ridiculous. Maybe it doesn't have to be either or and there is room for compromise but he's clearly not up for that. It's his way or the highway, evidenced by the threat of separation just on the basis of your parents.

Normally I would say a spouse's responsibility is to their other half above parents, but I honestly can't bring myself to say that here. His way is just too far off the scale.

It might not be what you want to hear as you say you love him, but I don't think your marriage is going to last. And that's not a bad thing. Do you want to live this way? Do you want your kids to get to adulthood and have to wait to be invited, not allowed to make a cuppa or use the loo? Because that's where this will go.

Your husband and his family sound absolutely insane.

My in-laws drive me mad and I don’t agree with a lot of things they do, but I would never let that come between myself and my husband. The fact that your husband is considering leaving you because your parents’ customs are different to his own is just completely disgusting.

are You sure he’s not trying to isolate you from your family?
they sound normal to be honest?

Without more information I can’t give a opinion without his side . For sure your parents are not easy . An you ask him for examples of why he doesn’t like him ? We are only getting one side . I have seen this happening at work ( I deal with divorces daily ) , mostly because in laws are so on your life and demanding and the one in the couple who will not stand up by their partner . So unless I know the setup I won’t judge him either

Your DH sounds like he’s wound up like a tight coil. Must be very difficult to live with. It sounds like it’s about control and standing - both of these are anxiety about things like how you might be seen by others, how “good” you think you are. He’s taking it out on you, because you’re the closest thing. The in-law situation would feel like them rubbing everything in his face, total disrespect of him.

Honestly I think your only option is to separate him from your birth family. Leave him out entirely. But then he’s not allowed to mention it: they wouldn’t be bothering him anymore so he doesn’t get to gripe.

Separately, he needs help. This control freakery and anxiety is not going to be helping him in his life. He’ll push his kids away if he carries on like this.

We have my niece's 18th in a couple of weeks - my sister is hosting and is open house - prosecco or champagne on the table beers in ice in a bucket buffet food on the table - it is a cop out to him because no one needs to host and it is rude and insolent to expect to get your own. It should be a sit down affair with my auntie my nieces mum pouring drinks and serving food and guests should not be expected to walk around or stand up. He as already said he won't be coming which is better for me as I can relax much more.

I’ll say it again. He’s a fucking weirdo. And he seems to expect only WOMEN to trot around hosting.