Stuck between parents and DH

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My DH doesn't get on with my parents, they don't really particularly like him either. I am stuck in the middle as I love my parents even though they can be awkward and love my DH. I am tolerant of people and I can honestly tolerate most people - he says life is too short to "only tolerate people". So I am now presuming the only way forward is to see them without him being involved. He can't understand why I can't see how cold and rude they are- I find them very loving and I have never known any different.

He was brought up in a very different way and I find his family so het up and formal but I don't begrudge spending time or seeing them. Both my siblings got divorced last year and my DH is convinced its because of the in laws. He says he should have ran years ago when he first met them. I' ve told him I won't choose and he needs to be more tolerant - he says life is too short to "just be tolerant" and that he can't have them hanging over him for the rest of his life- I asked what he meant and he basically said "he needs to seriously re-evalaute our relationship" so I said what because of them and he said "totally" - they are ruining his life. AIBU? They have never done anything personally to him they are just very very different people.

But you know you haven't been dragged up. I am sorry that you are being made to feel you have a problem when you don't. Your husband sounds as if he has some serious issues to sort out but these issues are entirely to do with him and not you or your parents. I think his attitude sounds very stifling and highly unusual.

Your home belongs to both of you. It's not just his and it's not just yours. You are welcome to have your family visit you at home, and you can of course allow them to use the toilet and make cups of tea. He doesn't make the rules.

Spot on. I have a DH who tend to think he runs the whole show and gets to make the rules, but he's been properly put straight on that. Even so, I regularly have to remind him that he doesn't make the rules, we both do. You have to be absolutely firm and stand your ground. There's nothing wrong with your parents popping round. How sad that he's managed to put a stop to that.

Is the feeling mutual, OP? Do you know how your parents feel about your DH? I think you might find they were more involved grandparents if he wasn't such a prick. Sounds like they might have decided it's easier to keep their distance.

If this is being dragged up then I wish I'd been dragged up. I think it sounds great, relaxed open house, and a big family where there's always something happening.

Your husband sounds like he has a stick up his arse.
I don't think it's necessarily a problem for him to have difficulty with the difference in backgrounds and experience, but for him to call your relationship, your marriage, into question is, IMO, unacceptable.

That may be valid if your in-laws had done something heinous to you and your husband had rightly defended you. That's not the case the op is outlining. She's explaining her husband has an unreasonable grudge against her parents and it very much sounds like he's trying to isolate her from her family. It's unfortunately a very classic script and can be very damaging and dangerous for women. Isolation is not the way forward for any person and with lots of men being so variable and flighty in general, I would always advise women to keep strong bonds with their families. If the op were to cut ties with her parents, her husband will quickly come up with a new issue.

My DH is no longer involved in family events. Mine or his. It’s him, not us. My parents have tried their best with him. It’s really crap, but I don’t invite him to our birthdays etc. And we don’t see his family, either. Less cousins for DS, but it’s not my problem…

The toilet thing is fucking insane

You’ve never seen his mums kitchen 😱

He’s absorbed some of his mums anxieties and rigid thinking. Which as pps have pointed out, will only get worse as he gets older.

He feels unwanted by your family, which he obviously is. But is it the chicken or the egg? Probably both, which is why your family were tolerable 10 years ago, but intolerable now.

All I can say is, be wary about alienating your own family. Your compromise of never letting them meet anymore, sounds the best thing.
Whether your relationship lasts, very much depends on his attitude to his own children and their friends, as they get older. His rigid thinking when they get their own views and opinions, will bring a whole new set of problems.

I loved visiting one set of gp’s when I was young as they were very child focussed, but looking back it was because their world was so small. The gp’s where I was bored rigid when visiting as a kid, were much more on my social level as I grew up. Topics of conversation were more diverse. I was bored as a kid because it was adult chat and there was nothing for kids to do (at least your kids are able to wander off and watch tv in a different room). They were more educated and worldly wise and I had more in common with these gp’s as I grew up.
Your kids will always love dh’s mum, but your family will shape them more in the middle class ways that your family operate in, and that your dh’s family aspired/aspire to, and that your dh married into. I presume that is what he found attractive about you, having grown up with a socially climbing and aspirational mum, albeit one who was loving and wanted the best for her kids but who has been hindered by her own anxieties and beliefs about what the “right” way to behave in society is.

I'm not surprised your parents don't like him, he sounds bloody hard work.

Every post you write makes him worse and worse.

He is a controlling, manipulative azzwipe. He "hosts" because then HE has all the control, instead of letting friends just feel welcome.

He was not "brought up", he was birthed by a mentally unstable woman and raised to become her mini-me instead of a well-adjusted human.

My family is the same as yours OP.

Kids run off and play, they have a box of toys to delve into and will get ice lollies from the fridge - brought especially for them and always topped up.

I think you need to state that it’s his issue and not your parents issue.

what is your relationship with your husband like? Does he make you laugh? Do you go out together and enjoy yourselves? Is he your best friend and favourite person.
he sounds such he’s work that I wonder if he’s worth it. You may be much happier as a single parent. Life’s too short to be stuck with threats like his to you. Tell him it’s fine, just leave.

I can't help thinking that while you are being flexible, he is not. I have friends and relatives at both extremes, and tend to go with the flow when at their houses. Personally, I'm a little on the formal end of the spectrum, as that's nicer IMHO. Not giving the kids attention or presents seems a bit selfish to me too. But that's their choice, and I wouldn't be buying presents on their behalf for that reason.

I think you have to agree on what you find acceptable in your own home - both of you. And go with the flow when visiting others. .

How are you coping with parenting together, as you must be coming from very different thought processes?

Do your DC have friends round, how does he cope with that?

He is rigid in his approach and can’t. Seem to work out different strokes for different folks. It’s a shame.

how does he cope with play dates etc

I think you nailed it!

His mother ACTS all posh and proper because her circumstances are anything but. She has invented a life that really doesn't exist and decided if you act like you have a stick up your ass, people will think you are well-off and "high class". OP's NVDH has bought into that, hook, line and sinker.

I keep trying to imagine OP's NVDH having "friends" over and having everyone sitting up, feet square on the floor in the sitting room, all proper, with a napkin on their laps while they sip tea and eat watercress sandwiches off doily-covered china tea plates. Then I start LMAO! I hope they stick their pinkies out!

Sorry your husband is a weirdo and his family is too. He thinks that your family is aloof because they disperse with formal invitations and tea service - 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤣🤣🤣

just goes to show that this style of “proper” British upbringing fucks up people’s heads

Sorry, me again. So if you need a wee when you're there you leave and go to a public toilet? I can't fathom this set up at all!

I'm thinking must be something cultural at play here, but how your H thinks asking to use the toilet is normal I just cannot fathom. Are you in the UK? I think the casual grandparents sound more socially normal (not saying it's right to ignore your grandkids but it does happen). It sounds like your H's mum has a form of anxiety. So you're saying now he is threatening to split because of it? Maybe he has inherited his mum's issues. That is definitely NOT normal.

Maybe he needs to go back to his mum and think about his life choices.

Wow a lot of control going on here by your DH who is also extremely uncompromising. HIS house , when you read this back do you see anything wrong with this statement and your future and your kids ? Basically if you don’t live the way he sees fit then surely he’d just kick you out? You could live separate lives and only see your family away from his home and always without him, do you always want to do this for the next many years ? What happens when your children get married or any other life event where it’s your children and both families would be at a joint event ? Would his very critical opinion of your family stop if he was never in their company or does he want you to match is opinion and will never be satisfied unless you do. Good Luck I hope you make choices, whichever ones, that make you all happy, he his right that life is too short for this shit x

I feel quite sad for your dh. Your MIL clearly has OCD/anxiety and if she doesn't go out much maybe agrophobia, from the sounds of it your dh may also have some of these issues, plus dare I say it may he be neurodiverse. He has the rules because they give him a structure in which to operate , without that he is petrified, he has no framework within which to function. Your parents sound very dismissive of him tbh, I can imagine that he feels very stressed by the chaos of your family and the more stressed he feels, the worse the need to control his environment will become. He is probably right in a way , he should have realised when he first met them and saw how your family operated that this wasn't going to work for him. Its horrible for both of you but maybe separation would be best, in the short term not requiring him to cope with those situations may give both of you a breather.

Does your husband like you? Because the things he says to you makes it sound like he really doesn’t.

Your MIL has major OCD and anxiety about control and cleanliness and your DH either inherited something like it or picked them up (has fleas they call them) from having been raised by a mother with a mental health issue.

He needs help: he can not be flexible and can not accept that his mother’s way of life is a dressed up, doilied, horror show and he has been emotionally rippled by it.

This all sounds odd to me. I could never stand my parents-in-law as they are not my type of people. I am clearly not their type of person either. When my husband was alive though he dealt with them and I had nothing to do with them. Why can’t yous just do that? Why do you need to be involved in each others families?

I think there are quite a few clues in OP's post about what her DH does that leads people to dislike him.