To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

You all need to take a step away from the wedding organising, just show up on the day and be happy for your brother.

For your sake as well as theirs

I wouldn’t have expected your kids to be flower girls as I thought the tradition was for bridesmaids to come from the bride’s side of the family.

I wouldn't have assumed anything.
Remember that your mother is not the mother of the bride, so has less to do with the organising.
I understand that you're disappointed but the bride chooses her attendants.
It isn't up to you or your mum.

You were wrong to assume your daughters would be flower girls.

You are not unreasonable to be hurt that your mums partner of 9 years has not been invited.

Its a crazy level of assumptions to have made. Stop being so demanding and weepy over someone else’s wedding.

I do think it's mean not to have invited your step dad though.

I would probably not have assumed that they would be flower girls unless he had asked. I would though be miffed that they are not invited when the bride’s second cousins are- unless there is a big back story.

Are your daughters not invited at all?

Tbh it sounds like your mum tried to force her hand by offering to buy flower girl dresses before they had even mentioned having flower girls, and it’s backfired.

Wow, your poor Mum, what a sucker punch. Your brother is a wimp not to have cleared things up right from the beginning, leaving people to have assumptions that haven't come to pass. The bride, hmmm, it's more democratic to have flower girls from both sides, so I don't see why she wouldn't have included your two from the start, although she is free to have whoever she wants. The main blame lies with your brother.

As I read it, he is invited but refusing to go as his kids aren’t invited.

So your kids arent invited at all?

Your brother has pulled a proper blinder hasn't he? No responsibility for any of the planning and not giving a toss either.

I think the step dad is invited just not step siblings. I think you were wrong to assume about the flower girls but it would have been nice of her to include your daughters. As for them not being invited I think you should have been told about that earlier. She sounds a bit controlling unless your brother is a total wet blanket and blaming her.

The issue is your expectations.
Did you not ask brother outright if your girls were fgs?
I think this will be a typical man taking nothing to do with wedding. It is usually brides side that’s bridesmaids flower girls so I think it’s a bit OTT to be so worked up about it.
Your bro needs to communicate better.

I thought it was more traditional that flower girls were linked to the brides side of the family and from your post you don’t sound like you are close or like your sil so on that basis YABU

Is your step dad invited but not going because his kids aren’t invited or just not invited
?

I would not have assumed they were bridesmaids its very odd t9 aasune this, and fairly unlikely unless you are friendly with future SIL and she knows your DD well but then I would have expected you to have chatted with her about it all in a normal relaxed manner. Your brother should have explained when your mum offered to buy the dresses though. Also your stepdads grown up I think kids were not invited, do they care? Are they friends with brother / SIL to be?

My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls.

And that’s where you both went wrong.

Why would you assume there would be flower girls at all? Most weddings I’ve been to haven’t had them, maybe 15% have at most.

Your mum is trying to insert herself into wedding planning where she hasn’t been wanted or needed. She’s tried to force stbDIL’s hand by offering to pay for flower girl dresses.

The response is something I can imagine MN suggesting - “say yes, but choose your own flower girls” - if you new SIL had asked advice on dealing with your mother’s trying to force your daughters into the wedding party.

It is entirely up to your brother and new SIL what kind of wedding they want, how big a bridal party, and who is in it.

Step back, drop your assumptions and just be happy for them to celebrate the day in the manner of their choosing.

Im on your side. SIL has been quite mean.

Oh OP, given your specific family situation I can see why you'd hoped they would be flower girls and why the wedding plans have caused much upset. I am sure it is thoughtlessness rather than anything else. You might have to just be the better person here .

I don't understand all the assumptions and then what appears to be an attempt to bribe the poor bride into having flower girls that she hasn't chosen. There may be very good reasons why some members of this family are being kept at arms length.....

Bridesmaids and flower girls traditionally come from the bride's side of the family so SIL has done nothing wrong here.
Not inviting your stepfather is rude.

I wouldn't have assumed anything, wouldn't the bride have mentioned by now if she wanted your children to be part of the wedding

She must think your mun's overstepping by offering to pay for the dresses. What's the significance of Dublin, is that a long way from where you live?

Exactly. You two have massively overstepped. From now on keep quiet and make no assumptions.
It's also common for wedding party to be the only children at the weddding.

Not sure I'd have expected your DDs to be flower girls, if your brother was being that uncommunicative did you even know for sure they were having any?

I'd be very annoyed that they'd been uninvited entirely when other less closely related children are attending though.