To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

That’s really sad. It’s not about the wedding so much but that it shows how little regard family.

Did your brother regret it, did he ever explain?

YABU to assume your girls were the flower girls. YANBU to be upset that your family have been sidelined.

To be honest the problem here is basic communication and I blame your brother for this. Had he grown a back bone and told you from the start what was happening instead of hiding behind his fiance this wouldn't have escalated to this point.

Please dont be mad with the bride. This is his wedding too and if he wanted his family involved they would be. That's on him, not her.

That’s like saying you’d assume that if the bride had no sisters, female cousins, nieces or friends, the groom’s family should supply the bridesmaids.

I am 100% with you here @Notmotherofflowergirls but I do think your mum was a little bit out order pushing for your 2 little girls to be flower girls.

I have to agree though, that your brother doesn't sound interested in the wedding, and seems to be distancing himself from it. Like most men. My 2 cousins daughters (both early 30s,) got married in 2022 and 2023, and they did 95% of EVERYTHING. The men did virtually fuck-all. Pretty typical really, women do fucking everything!

I digress. I have 2 daughters (born mid-late 1990s,) and my younger brother (10 years younger,) got married when they were 5 and 6, and his wife and her mother were organising the wedding. And my SIL, her mum, AND my brother all asked me if my 2 DD would be bridesmaids. I said yes of course. I was chuffed and surprised that they asked. Even so, SIL had/has 2 nephews, so didn't have nieces on her side, but she could still have not bothered with mine and DH's daughters. She wanted my little girls as bridesmaids. They were so happy, and looked like little princesses. 👑

Sorry not helping!

I think YANBU at all, and have every right to feel hurt that your DDs are not being asked to be flower girls/bridesmaids. On what planet is it ONLY the bride's nieces/female relatives who are flower girls/bridesmaids? My friend's brother got married in October last year, and her daughter (age 9) was a bridesmaid. Ditto my work colleague several years ago. Her brother got married, and her daughter (aged 11 then) was a bridesmaid. Ignore the people saying YABU and dramatic and attention-seeking. And yeah, it's a bit mean of them to not invite your stepdad's children.

I would go to the wedding, and take my 2 girls, but would give them all a wide berth afterwards. They don't appear to care about you and your lovely girls, as much as you care about them. Sorry.

I am also sorry your mum is feeling left out of everything. No wonder some women want at least one daughter!

One thing confuses me, why does your brother's wife-to-be think your mum was going to pay for her cousin's children's dresses?

I don't think it's as much about the wedding as it is the value placed on the relationships. OP has realised her brother doesn't value her children in the way she thought he did and so that's obviously disappointing for her.

I must be really weird then because I literally don’t give a shit.

My sister phoned last year to tell me she planned to elope. Have an amazing time I said, so happy for her.

My best friend hasn’t made me her bridesmaid because she’s chosen not to have a bridal party at all. Her choice - I haven’t lost a moments sleep over it nor do I feel offended.

I just don’t care. I’m a busy person, I have a lot of responsibility in life and frankly don’t have the time to be poking my nose into another person’s wedding or creating any drama in my life unless it’s 100% necessary.

I don’t understand these families who try to mould one another and live in each other’s pockets constantly. It’s not a sign of a close family, it just looks like every individual is in it for themselves and desperate to have the others bend to what they want constantly.

OP clearly said the bride didn’t want any financial help with the wedding. Her mum overstepped regardless and offered to pay for the flower girl dresses, to force the bride into choosing her granddaughters (or so she thought). That has now backfired. If you play silly games you win silly prizes.

@ThePoshUns · Today 16:44

I don't think you were unreasonable to think that your brother would ask for his only nieces to be part of the wedding party.
It sounds like like his wife to be doesn't want any of his family involved.
No way should your mum pay for dresses for children she doesn't know when her grandchildren are being excluded.
Your brother needs to grow a pair and stick up for his family.

100% agree. ^

One thing confuses me, why does your brother's wife-to-be think your mum was going to pay for her cousin's children's dresses?
Probably because she kept offering. Like someone paying for the dress or the flowers or the cake.

Christ. If I were them I’d have eloped. You all sound incredibly wearisome.

Exactly. And it's the OP's BROTHER'S wedding, not some random neighbour they say hello to 10 times a year in passing! 🙄

The 'oh I could not give a shit, and couldn't get worked up about this' brigade are very tiresome. Bully for you! The OP is upset about it, and she has every right to be!

I would expect the bride to pick children that she is close to as flower girls. Based on you and your mum asking your brother rather than the bride directly, I am going to assume that you aren’t close to the bride and by extension your kids aren’t close either. It was unreasonable to offer to pay for flower girl dresses before checking who the flower girls would be

I would be surprised that your kids weren’t considered an exception to the child free rule but I don’t know how your kids behave or it might be a blanket rule because of how the bride’s nieces/nephews behave. Again, we don’t know how close you are to your brother and it sounds like not super close if he couldn’t tell you that your dds weren’t invited never mind not flowergirls.

Many men leave wedding organizing to the bride. If he’s that type then use this as a warning to lower your expectations with future events like them having a baby. He’s clearly happy for a child free wedding and so you need to let it go if he’s normally a good guy.

I wouldn't be so much bothered that they weren't flower girls. I would be very bothered that her cousins kids were invited but his nieces aren't.

Essentially you've learned he doesn't actually give a shit about his family though or he wouldn't have wanted them involved. Doesn't sound like he gives a shit about his own wedding either to not be helping plan it. Typical mumsnet bloke really.

Your mother should say that she offered to pay for the dresses on the assumption that her granddaughters were going to be flower girls, but as they are not she’s not to.

@pootlin no explanation or apology, when I wasn’t invited to another event in more recent years he did apologise and say it had been an “oversight” I know very well that SIL wouldn’t have wanted me or my adult children there, I accepted the apology. I don’t expect things to change now, my brother visits me on his own now and then and it is just as it used to be when SIL isn’t around, we were extremely close as children.

My parents are both dead now and it is better than not having my brother in my life at all.

100% this. My DB got married a few years ago, I have four children, none of them were invited. I was a bit put out because he was getting married abroad and wanted myself and DH to go without the kids but I got over it. It was his wedding, not mine.

But she was clearly offering for her own 2 grandaughters (the OP's daughters.) The bride-to-be must be as thick as mince if she assumed the OP's mum was going to pay for wedding outfits, for random children that she has no genetic link to and has very likely never met. 🙄

If you both don't know your SIL well enough to even discuss the wedding, and you were not asked/knew your brother was avoiding the question, what made you or your mum assume she would ask your dc to be flower girls when they are traditionally chosen from the brides family?

I am personally not a fan of child free weddings for many reasons, but trying to shoehorn your dc into a bridal party just because you want them to be flower girls is very guestzilla!

I feel for you.

My SIL was so pissed off that my dd was asked to be a bridesmaid at a family wedding and not her very (too) young dd.so she turned up with her dd in an identical dress! Incredible!

No one said anything and she wasn't in the formal photos but wow.

I think these wedding upsets are really very common and they seem to break hearts.

The only thing to do is don't assume anything with a wedding. I missed my beloved niece's tiny Covid ceremony owing to rules and it irrationally broke my heart.

She had another big do but it didn't mean as much to me somehow.

We should all try to let a couple do whatever they want and be happy for them. It is a weirdly private/public thing.

But I empathize with anyone who feels broken hearted about this kind of disappointment. It's just one of those weird things in life we all have to suck it up at one time or another.

When did younger bridesmaids suddenly start being called ‘flower girls’? Was it around the time school leavers’ parties became ‘proms’?

It’s mad that you and your mum assumed your kids would be bridesmaids and it’s mad that your stepdad has kicked off over his kids not being invited. It’s all a bit dramatic.

Yeah this. ^ As I said, the bride-to-be must be pretty thick if she thought the OP's mum was offering to pay for her cousin's childrens wedding outfits. FFS.

This is his wedding too and if he wanted his family involved they would be. That's on him, not her.

Yep. The brother is entirely at fault here. He's been refusing to talk about the wedding at all, it seems out of pure cowardice.

You were unreasonable to assume your children would be flower girls but not to assume they would be invited to their uncles wedding.
I hope your mother doesn't feel she still has to pay for the dresses.
Are you still planning to attend the wedding have you got childcare?

When did younger bridesmaids suddenly start being called ‘flower girls’? Was it around the time school leavers’ parties became ‘proms’?

I'm nearly 70 and I was a flower girl twice when I was a little girl.

I would say she's close to her cousins and cousins children. That is all there is to it.
If you've only just found out now, and only because you're mum asked who the third dress was for, then you're not very close at all.
I would at least expect my children to be invited to my brothers wedding and can 100% say I would decline the invite if they weren't, but with dignity, no drama.
The drama would be all theirs behind the scenes.
Do you think you're brother is sad his dad can't be there and doesn't want step family there ? what is the relationship there ?

I would book a holiday around that time if it turns out you're mum isn't going either and all just go away together if you can afford it.

I wouldn't have expected any part in the wedding. And certainly not that your kids would be part of the bridal
Party.