To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

I'm 40 and the first time I heard of little girls being referred to as bridesmaids rather than flower girls was at the royal wedding when William married Kate.

So cheeky the bride has invoiced your mum to pay for three dresses for unrelated children! And why are second cousins allowed to come to the wedding but not the groom's nieces? I wouldn't go to the wedding and I'd actually go no contact.

Flower girls have been around for centuries, more so for the upper class and aristocratic families.

I get your point but rather than assuming you should have communicated more clearly about your girls being flower girls (or not) early on. If they are not invited that is rude of them. It looks like this is clearly your brother's fiance wedding rather than his! Sorry your mum is so upset. Good luck!

I don’t think you should have assumed your daughters would be flower girls but I think your brother is being a dick about the whole event.

No, I wouldn't have assumed that. It sounds like your brother is taking a back seat in proceedings and I thought the bridesmaids were supposed to be from the brides side of the family. If she is close with her cousins her choice makes sense.

How well do you know the bride? Are you close? You said your step fathers kids aren't invited. Does she even know them?

Sorry to hear that. I hope you don’t invite them to your events, Evenstar?

This is why me and DH eloped as interfering and demanding family members. Your unreasonable it is the brides choice. It might have been nice but she is under no obligation to have your kids as flower girls

I think it’s a fair assumption to make, and all weddings I’ve been to has included bridesmaid from both sides. The fact they aren’t invited at all is even more of a shocker. I’d imagine this will cause a family rift and I can see why your mums upset as she’s now paying for dresses for other children. She could refuse to pay as she assumed they’d be for her own grandchildren but I’d imagine that will make things worse. Sounds like either your brother doesn’t care or doesn’t have much say

But he knows his own step-siblings, he should invite them.

You were wrong to assume that your children would be flower girls, never assume anything about weddings! When my son got married my son and DIL made a special card for his niece asking her to be a bridesmaid( 8 years old) but they are extremely close to her and had been together since before she was born. It doesn't sound like you or your mother are close to future SIL so that's probably the reason. She may be very close to her cousins.
It's normal for bridesmaids etc to be chosen by the bride and come from her side.

My son had a child -free wedding, apart from my granddaughter who was the bridesmaid. Some bridesmaids had children who weren't invited, parents had a fantastic time!

Who is paying for this wedding? If it's all being paid for by the bride's parents then really no one on your side has a say. Maybe they were miffed if your mother hadn't offered to pay half of everything or given a very substantial contribution to the wedding costs.
Not inviting fairly recent stepfather's adult children seems perfectly fine to me.
I expect there's quite a lot of backstory to all this.

It's not just her wedding though. Depends on his relationship with his own family.

Once again we have a problem caused entirely by a male, your total wet wipe of a brother, and look how many responses are vilifying the sil.

Misogyny at large. Again.

When you and your mother made the incorrect assumption that your dds were flower girls, your brother should have explained there and then.

But he didn't. He chose to avoid the conflict. That makes him a coward. And really horrid because he let the two of you carry on believing that, rather than correcting you. I'm sure he's one of these 'nice guys, so laid back' that is actually a complete selfish arsehole because his behaviour has resulted in his own mother being very upset.

Lay the blame at the correct door here.

You and your mother were unreasonable to assume your daughters would be flower girls

It sounds like your mum has overstepped a bit by trying to involve herself in the planning multiple times

I think your brother has been unreasonable not to tell you that your children aren't invited sooner

I also think your brother and FSIL are unreasonable to invite some 'family' children and not others- it's their choice, but a it's a sure fire way to upset people and doesn't help to foster good family relations

Your step dad is unreasonable not to go (I'm a little unclear, but think he has been invited)

There's not enough info to know to comment on the lack of invite for your step siblings

All said, I can understand why you are upset OP. Unfortunately, unless you want to distance yourselves from your DB and FSIL, you and your mother need to keep quiet and act like the perfect guests. However, when asked where your children are (which will happen, unless this is a tiny wedding), I would have no issue stating clearly and factually that they weren't invited. I would also not be putting myself out if asked to help with this wedding at any point

I’ve only been to one wedding with flower girls and that was the couple’s own very young children. Thinking about it, I definitely know of a couple where the groom’s nephew had no role , - but he was a guest. I don’t think it struck anyone as odd and I didn’t hear of it causing any family ructions. I only remember the nephew because he was running around during the speeches making a racket while his dad looked on smiling like it was the cutest thing ever.

I think it’s odd that you and your mum were so sure the bride would ask your girls to be flower girls as they normally come from the brides side: they are part of the bridal party. It is also traditionally the brides parents who host and organise the wedding and the groom’s parents are off the hook, except for hosting any rehearsal dinner, and just attend the wedding. Of course these days the couple normally plan and pay for their own wedding but it’s odd your mum would expect to have more of a role than was traditional. Is that because your husband’s mum was very involved in planning your wedding?

Anyway it sounds like you and your mum are committed to being offended and other family are wading in so you are going to have ball with all the drama and victim-hood and outrage and can look forward to more when any children come along as by then your relationships with your SIL will be wrecked and she will doubtless dislike you both and be unopposed by your uninterested brother.

On the plus you can take solace in loads of your family agreeing that she’s a bitch, so swings and roundabouts.

Yabu and so is your mother.

Step parents are not always considered family by step children, sad but true

I wouldn't have expected them to be flower girls, flower girls and bridesmaids are usually from the brides side of the family. Shame for you that they're not invited though. How did this not come up until now? Is it a small wedding?

Do DB and SIL have a relationship with your mums boyfriend and his kids?

Sorry I was scared to log back in I suppose rationally I know that bride chooses her bridal party but I would never do what she is doing.
I blame my brother about my daughters not being invited at all.
My dad died 13 years ago and mum has been with her partner for just over a decade and lived together for 9 years. They rent out their own homes and rent a flat together, they have no intention of marrying so it Will be easier for us when the inevitable happens. He has two kids the same age as my brother and me and we went to their weddings. He has a younger child who was in first year of uni when our parents moved in together and lived with my mother for two years after uni.
To all intents and purposes they are our step siblings and we see them often and get on with them. They all came to my wedding.
He is a nice man and he IS invited but doesn’t want to go because of his adult children not being invited and the mess my mother is in.
Mum is going to pay for the dresses as that is what she agreed even though it was predicted on a misplaced assumption.
My DH is angry and is staying home with our girls.
Can’t believe this and just how upset we are.

I totally get where you’re coming from. I would have made the same assumption. Your SIL to be is out of order and your brother is a spineless dick

YANBU about how it feels like you're being shat on but your brother is at fault here for not speaking up for "his side"

YABU for having expectations around someone else's wedding party but I do personally think SIL has made a faux pas by only including her side.

I don’t think you should have assumed your dds would be flower girls.

I do think it’s weird they are not invited.
Nieces are nephews are family. It’s also odd that your stepdad hasn’t been invited.

It sounds like your brother either hasn’t had much say or he is really shit at communicating.

Yeah most likely. But he might not be that close with them - if they were all adults when the parents got together they might not have any kind of relationship.
I think any annoyances should be directed more towards the brother rather than SIL - he should be advocating for his own family

@Notmotherofflowergirls Mum is going to pay for the dresses as that is what she agreed even though it was predicted on a misplaced assumption.
My DH is angry and is staying home with our girls.
Can’t believe this and just how upset we are.

PLEASE PLEASE persuade your mum not to pay for dresses for the bride's second cousins. Your mum could pay for something else. By paying she's going along with the bride's cheekiness. Her own grandchildren are staying home. If I was you, I'd stay home too.

I agree.

I agree OP that's this is a bit sad.
Every wedding I have been too has had ushers and flower girls from both sides.
I'm not sure you could assume both of yours would be flowergirls though, maybe 1, and 1 from brides side. But ultimately it is the brides choice, and that's ok. Your mums gesture in offering to pay for them is a kind contribution towards her sons wedding, not an ability to decide who it will be

Then not being invited at all is really rubbish though