To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Pretend ignorance if you like, hilarious.

Yes, it feels like the premise for a sitcom episode.

I’m struggling to imagine a situation where the OP’s mother just says ‘Of course, you must let me pay for the flower girl dresses!’ checking it’s her grandchildren who are going to be wearing them!

I mean, even assuming it was a passive-aggressive attempt to force the bride’s hand, it was still astonishingly crack-handed. It’s a bit like starting to organise a hen party on the assumption the bride must have just somehow forgotten to formally as you to be chief bridesmaid.

Most men aren’t involved in organising their own wedding.

I’d be disappointed if my DD’s weren’t invited to be flower girls at my DB’s wedding. But I’d suck it up.

The fact that they’re not invited at all would end my relationship with him. Completely.

You shouldn’t assume anything when it comes to someone else’s wedding. It is their day and these are their choices.

I’m looking forward to the thread from the SIL saying that her future MIL kept insisting on paying for the flower girl dresses and she had no idea why. And then MIL was upset because she hadn’t actually asked who the flower girls were.

A bit rubbish that your children aren't invited (when others are) but 'flower girls' are twee nonsense, so in that respect they've dodged a bullet.

I don't think a bride is under any obligation to have children from her husbands family in her bridal party - and, indeed, I actually think the opposite is true.

So yabu.

I understand your mum feeling left out but think she should have limited her expectations, typically it's the brides mum who is more involved unless bride & MIL have a close relationship. So, again unreasonable but am sympathetic.

On the other hand, I think your brother & future sil are unreasonable to exclude your children in this fashion...

All this makes me think the wedding is a flash point for other issues, namely, that perhaps you & your mum feel like you're losing your brother to his fiance and that she is, perhaps, distancing themselves as a couple from your family.

In which case, getting upset & kicking up a fuss about flower girls isn't going to make a huge difference - it'll just drive a wedge between you and your SIL. You & your mother should focus on building your relationship (respectfully) with her instead and hopefully your brother will put a little effort into including his family into family gatherings (if he wishes).

It's hilarious how you're twisting this whole scenario into being the brides fault, despite absolutely nothing to say it is at all.

You don't seem to understand the meaning of the word 'refused'.

Not inviting them isn't 'refusing to have them'. Refusing would be if brother had wanted them there and the bride had said no. And we have no indication that this is what happened.

You've made some big assumptions. I am cringing for you and your mum She offered to pay for the dresses even though you had never been asked for your children to be flower girls?

I'd be disappointed my children weren't invited and I'd broach that with your brother. But the flower girl assumption was really, really entitled and I wouldn't bring that up again.

It’s hilarious how you’re blindly ignoring that DB refers his mum to his fiancée on any wedding related questions and also deferred to his fiancée on nieces being invited.

While I wouldn't assume my girls to be flower girls I would hope that the grooms step father be invited! What is it with these men who can't stand up to their controlling brides? It's as much thr grooms wedding as the bride's, so disrespectful to your step dad.

I'm not ignoring it, in fact, I said it sounds like he's using that as a delaying tactic to avoid confrontation with his dramatic family.

Well obviously you were both crazy to assume your DD's would be flower girls, or that there would even be flower girls. We didn't have any. Lots of people don't.

I'd be pretty put out that they weren't invited at all (if I'm understanding that correctly) but it sounds like maybe they've been strong armed into having some flower girls by your Mum and may have been a completely childfree wedding otherwise?

Depending on the size of the wedding and your Brother's relationship with your Stepdad's kids (and how old they are?) I don't think it's especially unreasonable that they're not invited.

None of my Stepdad's wider family were invited to our wedding and he's been married to my Mum for 23 years. I just don't really see or have any relationship with them.

It’s a probable assumption given db is deferring to fiancée on it.

He is, but his children aren't so he's refusing to go.

I don't think you should have expected your girls as flower girls and unless you are all very close with the step siblings I wouldn't say much there either but I would be upset that your girls haven't been invited. I think you should all step back, not ask any more wedding Q's and just turn up. You can't not go but I would take a big step back

My DC’s were not invited to my brother’s wedding, it was over 30 years ago now and I still feel sad about it. There were many elderly relatives there who never got another opportunity to meet my DC.

Worse still having been told there were no DC invited, huge numbers of the PIL’s business associates were invited as well as cousins and no cousins had been invited from our side. And yes, you guessed it, there were some children there too.

I totally understand your feelings, I chose not to make it an issue as I wasn’t at the point of wanting to be NC with my brother, I have been excluded from other events since, but no criticism of SIL is tolerated so I say nothing. It is hurtful to me that our whole family was basically sidelined and treated as lesser than hers, there was incredibly rude behaviour towards my mother too on the rare occasions she was permitted to visit.

I suppose what I am saying is that accepting that reality means we are not NC, if you feel that preserving a relationship of some sort matters then you need to go to the wedding on their terms. I think your mother could withdraw her offer to pay for the dresses though as she should have been informed about the situation earlier.

Which is a bit mad, if the groom is old enough to get married and his mother has only been with her partner for nine years and they aren’t married, it’s perfectly possible that it isn’t really a ‘stepfather/stepson’ situation, and he may simply not really have any relationship with his mother’s partner’s children.

Silly to assume especially as nothing had been said.

Are you close to your ‘step siblings’? Otherwise your mum’s partner is being as dramatic as the rest of you.

Never assume children will be invited to weddings.

You must really think being treated like shit is normal.

Her children are not invited, her SD isn't invited and then they get all three other kids to be flower girls when the groom has 2 nieces??
No the op doesn't have to go just to be a doormat to other people. You don't treat your family this way and expect anything nice in return.
Op all of you should NOT go to the wedding and let your meek brother bear the consequences of his actions on his wedding day.

Beats me, too. I can take them or leave them.

My cousin was my best friend in the whole world, much closer than my sister. She was no longer with us by the time we married but if she had been she would've been first on the list for bridesmaid and any DC for flower girls/ring bearers.

Some people are close to their cousins, some wouldn't recognise them in the street.

It is really bad form not to invite the nieces though. Fine not to have them as flower girls but they should be invited.

I don't think you were unreasonable to think that your brother would ask for his only nieces to be part of the wedding party.
It sounds like like his wife to be doesn't want any of his family involved.
No way should your mum pay for dresses for children she doesn't know when her grandchildren are being excluded.
Your brother needs to grow a pair and stick up for his family.