To have expected my daughters to be flower girls

[Notmotherofflowergirls]

Just created an account for people to pile on to me and tell me I am an idiot. I don’t think I can tell my real friends.
I am inwardly cringing!
My brother is getting married in 3 months time to a woman with no nieces or nephews.
My mother and I naturally assumed that my two girls 4 and 6 would be the flower girls. There are no other kids in the family although stepdad has grandchildren.
My mother was feeling left out of all the planning. DB was uncommunicative about the plans and always referred us to SiL and when my mum asked to contribute she was batted away.
Finally Mum insisted that she would buy the flower girl dresses and finally brother agreed. So on Wednesday SiL posted an invoice for three flower girl dresses from a Shop in Dublin. She included a nice note saying that she mustn’t feel obliged to pay.
My mum asked who the third dress was for: it turns out all three are for her cousin’s girls.
Brother came round and said that they will be only kids at wedding.
My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.
My dad died and while my mum has not remarried she has been with her partner for 9 years. His kids are not invited. My stepdad isn’t going and is angry that my mum has been made to feel so upset.
I feel as if I have been kicked in the guts. My mum keeps bursting into tears.
My DH says he’s ongoing either Have we overstepped? Would anyone else have made the same assumption?

Not every wedding has flower girls you know you are being ridiculous yet you are trying it on anyway

IT IS NOT YOUR WEDDING

Your brother has shown you where you and your daughters stand - ie below random cousins kids who they’ll probably never even see after the wedding.

How on earth can you possibly know that? I could just as easily write - "the cousin's kids live on the same street at SIL and she and cousin grew up together and are like sisters to each other" - and it would make as much sense as your confident assertion that cousin is "random" and they'll never see the kids after the wedding.

As pp have said I think it's fine she didn't ask your dd to be flower girls- but it's absolute BS they're having NO children except the 3 cousin flower girls?! Your dc are your brother's nieces and should absolutely be there if there will be other kids there. I think your SIL is a red herring here- I'd be getting really frank with DB if I was you and telling him this is hurtful

Still doesn’t excuse having cousin’s kids at wedding but not his own nieces.

I’m not sure why you would assume that your DDs would be flower girls without anyone asking them to be. Not everyone has flower girls at all. And they are usually from the bride’s family for obvious reasons.

Did your DB not question why your DM wanted to buy flower girl dresses? Did he even know that she thought it would be your DDs?

It's odd that your mum offered to pay for the flower girls' dresses without even asking who the flowergirls were going to be. More than odd, really.

It's her brother. But I do agree dramatics from step dad won't help and he needs to support his partner in going with her.

She refused did she? Where does it say that, op assumes that was the case, but the thread is all about op and her incorrect assumptions so that's not much to go on.

She has asked her family to be in her bridal party, that's it, nothing shitty there.

💯 this. Fuck them both off, OP.

I didn’t have my nieces and nephews as part of my wedding. I didn’t have any kids there.

why are you bursting into tears?! I get being a bit upset or disappointed but this is a lot

Read the OP:

My brother was asked point blank if he didn’t want his nieces there and all he could say was he would speak with SiL. He did look sheepish.

As traditionally flower girls come from the bride's side, I am not sure why you assumed your girls would be chosen.

The fact that you don't even seem to have had a proper conversation about the wedding leads me to believe that you and SIL are not close, and she might well be very close to her cousin and their family.

MIL offered to pay for the dresses; this does not give her the right to dictate who wore them.

You are all overreacting and you need to get a grip before creating a painful family rift over a wedding. One afternoon is not worth all this drama and angst.

Your two young daughters aren't going to care about this at all and you and your mum need to see this for what it is - a really minor disappointment.

Sounds like the couple is opting for a childfree wedding. This is becoming more and more popular; I can't remember the last time I attended a wedding where young children were in attendance.

I'm assuming step father's children are adults? Does your brother have a close relationship with them? If not it's completely understandable that they wouldn't be invited.

Attend the wedding, enjoy a childfree afternoon/evening with your DH and don't let this petty stuff spoil family relationships.

Yep this!Cannot believe that pp actually think it's unreasonable to be pissed off and yes I think it was a very reasonable assumption to make .

I wasn't that invested in either of brothers wedding tbh and one had a child free wedding so my kids couldn't go.

They stayed with my MIL and we all had a nice time.

I had sneaky lockdown wedding when only 6 people could go to avoid all this kind of drama 😂

Is the bride Irish? Not inviting nieces and nephews would be very unusual in Ireland, definitely not the done thing.

Very normal for the flower girls to come from the bride's side, perhaps a natural assumption for you and your mum to make but a little embarrassing for them in this instance to have to say no. I wonder if your mum has otherwise overstepped?

Wrt your mum's partner's children I suppose it depends on how well your brother knows them and how tight for numbers they are.

But not inviting your DC really isn't great.

The groom’s nieces and nephews are closer relatives than cousins so yes I think it’s shitty to exclude them

His children have been excluded, he has every right to decline.

That still doesn't say that she refused to have them. There's no indication that he asked her to have them and she said no.

I did read the op.

I read that part too.

Where does it say that it was her decision exactly?

I see a guy there not wanting to rock the boat at all, probably because his family is over dramatic, and using a delaying tactic rather than telling them that he doesn't want them there directly.

I hope this isn’t an attempt by your SIL to isolate your brother and cut him off from the family. They do this by causing fights and then acting innocent. You should be on guard and not give her any excuse to stop your brother from seeing you all.

So SIL has her own cousin’s kids there yet it’s totally db’s decision not to invite his nieces?

Pull the other one 🙄

You shouldn’t have assumed. Just because you expect it doesn’t mean that’s the way it is

Why would you "naturally" assume....

No one should make any assumptions when it comes to a wedding party. The day belongs to 2 people, the bride and groom and they should be having whoever they want in their bridal party regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Same goes for invitations. It's up the B&H who they invite so throwing the dummy out of the park and not attending because his kids aren't invited seems a little petty.

The whole reason we disappeared and got married with no guests - so no one could get the hump about who was and wasn't invited - they could all equally have the hump about not being invited instead!

How do you know?

I know cousins who are much, much closer than siblings.