To feel like it’s sometimes better to stay in a relationship that’s a bit crap

[Thecatisannoying]

I’m not getting on terribly well with my partner at the moment. He isn’t abusive (and I need to be clear I’m not talking about abusive relationships, they are different) but he is lazy, I don’t always find him pleasant, he doesn’t help much and a long list of whinges.

I know ideally I’d leave and the kids would spend a day or so a week with him. They’d understand and respect all the work I do and be grateful I modelled boundaries to them. Or something.

The reality I think would be DH sees them a day or so a week and he just lets them do what they want, eat sweets and ice creams all day, no teeth brushing, no encouragement of other things then screens, consequently they think DH is amazing and dislike the boring parent who tried to get them to eat vegetables and have a bedtime.

Then it has a knock on effect on other aspects of their life. I would have to work FT so they’d be in after school clubs / FT childcare. I’m always tired and stressed, money is tight, relationships with grandparents are strained, I could go on but I’m sure you get the picture.

Obviously where abuse is a factor it’s different but sometimes … AIBU to think it’s better to stay in a slightly crap marriage?

@Beezknees That depends on many factors. Was your separation amicable?

No. He has no contact with DS and I've done it all on my own since DS was 10 months old.

@Beezknees That's crap, but some women sadly suffer much worse when they leave. Continued abuse for many, many years.

Many think children are happier with divorced parents than unhappy parents. I didn’t know my parents were unhappy and divorce deeply affected my life from that point onwards, even though my parents were fairly amicable. It might be about choosing the lesser of two evils here.
When my children were young, they were my whole world, and enough to keep me going. There were times when they preferred the relaxed parenting style, and as they got older, my standards have relaxed: DH had a very different upbringing to me, and he also had little idea what bringing up children entailed. I made an effort to get the children into some extra-curriculars to keep them busy. I try not to worry about which parent they prefer in the moment and try to give what I can. It is exhausting and demoralising when parenting styles clash, but at least with children under my roof I knew I had influence on the whole family, and gradually DH came around to my way of thinking in some aspects (and in others, I’ve compromised).
I grew up being told my father was lazy. In reality he was burnt out from work, had a wife unable to give him adequate attention (combination of her work and personality) and his own difficulties including undiagnosed ND. In hindsight I don’t think he was a lazy person: he was exhausted and often overwhelmed wrt parenting, and opted out to cope. That might not be the case here, but I think there can be more going on than what we see at face value.

only now I am understanding the damage our unhappy marriage has done to our child, who is now in their mid twenties. Please don’t do it.

I'm in my 20s and only found out about my parents' unhappy marriage when I was an adult. Honestly, divorce would've made my life hell, and I'm so grateful my parents stayed together and I always felt safe and belonged in my family.

That said, I think parents also need to consider their own happiness. So kids' happiness is just 1 factor.

It might be helpful to focus less on what isn't perfect in your current set up and more on what would be improved by leaving. Aside from the obvious freedom to try and meet someone better (which is by no means guaranteed) in what ways would your life be easier, happier, more fun, generally better if you were out of the marriage, both short and long term? When you've got a realistic list then you can compare against the disadvantages for the DC, having to work more etc and decide which matters most.

I'm divorced but the decision was easy because it was due to abuse.
My daughter used to wish we were still together but understands that this would never be possible.
As she’s got older she’s learned that it’s me that’s ‘got her back’. It’s me that makes opportunities to spend time with her friends. I provide everything she needs when she needs it. It’s me that helps her with her homework and makes her eat vegetables. She appreciates the difference between the two very different parenting styles.
Kids see through the Disney dad shite. Ex actually said he’d take her to Disneyland this summer but that was a lie.
We’re off on the holiday of our dreams together.

So you once asked him to pick DS up from preschool and he forgot? That doesn't mean you never ask him again. It means that next time you ask him, you tell him to set an alarm on his phone and watch while he does. Yes, agreed, you shouldn't have to do that - but it's better than him getting off scot free for all future pick ups! Why doesn't he ever do the 5am wake up? If it's because he leaves for work early, then does he at least take his turn at weekends? Honestly, I think making him pull his weight more now would be better than leaving in the situation you describe.

When my DC were little I thought about leaving. DH was working long hours, I did almost everything for the DC (tbf I was a SAHM so that was to be expected), we had lots of silly arguments due to both being tired, and I definitely thought to myself "would it be so much worse to be a single parent?". But now, the kids are older and more independent, I'm back at work and the relationship feels more balanced, I've fallen back in love with my lovely kind DH and I can't believe I ever considered leaving. Do you think there's a chance you and DH could regain this kind of happiness? Can you still see why you loved him, even though he's driving you crazy now?

My parents divorced, amicably, when I was 8. I'm now 40. I'd much rather they had stayed together.
Children are selfish - I didn't care if my mum was happy, I just wanted a mum and dad under one roof.
Mum never moved on and met anyone else. At first she said she was protecting us from paedophiles, then I guess she got used to being single and was afraid of the unknown of a new relationship, so has stayed on her own ever since.
She struggled logistically and financially as a single parent to 2 kids, and that made her resentful and unhappy.
She also had some approaches to parenting that I think could have benefitted from the moderating effect of another parent being present.
Dad moved on, as men do, and remarried. He now has a really nice looking retirement with the companionship of his wife, pottering around garden centres, going to the cinema and theater, out for dinner, and on trips away - while mum seems lonely and jealous of what dad has (he still lives locally to her).
And yes, I loved my time with dad at weekends - crap food, inappropriate films, sweets. Poor mum was the boring one, making us tidy our rooms, do our homework and go to bed on time.
The dynamic, as an adult child, of having a single parent around is different. From visits, to Christmas day, to your wedding day, there is just this singular figure present. I like the dynamic when I visit my inlaws and there is a mum and a dad, bouncing off of one another, jointly invested in the (granted, now early middle aged) kids.
I don't have kids, but being a product of divorce has definitely made me fight harder to make my marriage work. DH and I have been together for 20 years, but we've had a bad patch or two - one very bad, which lasted a couple of years, where I thought I might leave him - but I pushed through and we are so happy together now, with exciting plans for the future.

Yes in many contexts it’s better for the kids when the parents stay together.

I am not necessarily speaking specifically about me @pinotnow . If 49% of lone parent households live in poverty it stands to reason 51% do not. However on a statistical rather than individual level the outlook on single parent households is rather bleak, which is why there was a lot of (unfair) demonising of single mothers at one point - 90s?

I don’t have the answers here but I do know there isn’t ‘an’ answer, from ‘please don’t stay your children’s lives will be ruined’ and ‘please stay your children’s lives will be ruined.’ As with most things it is a balancing act.

Relationships also wax and wane and the wane patches can be surprisingly long. I think expectations from relationships are a bit disneyfied these days. Whilst I’m sure there are plenty of people who leave then find unbounded happiness and fulfilment in their new relationship I bet there are plenty who realise the one that had was better than most of those still in the dating pool.

Like you say OP, there's no answer. I think for me it comes down to my order of preferences, number one would be a loving relationship. Second would be my current marriage. Third would be single. Realistically number one isn't going to happen. How would I attract an amazing, loving man now, when I couldn't when I was 25-30? So I'd be single. Now that's fine, nothing wrong with that, but I'd prefer my current set up to being single.

This is such a timely post for me! I'm in a complete conundrum about this exact topic. Except I have addiction on my husband's part thrown in. He's just got back from rehab and is insisting he's a changed man, and it feels like it! But will it just fall back into how it was (even without addiction he was a manchild who doesn't pull his weight) and I've lost another 5 years of my life and the kids are loving in a house with a loveless marriage. But I shield them from the badness and make their lives happy so is it just me being selfish if I leave!

I lived a long time like this with my ex. Shall I shan’t I?
In the end I couldn’t bear to even look at him so we split. My children were adults by this time. He found a new partner quickly so is not interested in them too much.
What would have happened if we had split when I first thought of it? I really can’t say but I don’t imagine it would have been any easier than staying together.
Trouble is now I’m 60. And although I wouldn’t say my life is over, far from it, I feel I have wasted a huge chunk of it.
If I had to do it over I would have left years ago.

There’s addiction in my family, though not DH.

The thing I struggle with most beyond hospital admissions and wasted lives … it’s so, so fucking BORING 😆Endless conversations about the addiction and how it started and how it is now and … twenty years on and soooo dull. I hugely sympathise.

I left but I can definitely see why people stay. My hand was forced because my ex's relationship with my eldest DS (different dad) had become very bad. I felt like I was being forced to choose between my children (he's a brilliant hands on dad to younger DD who is his). Had he maintained a good relationship DS, we probably would have limped along for awhile longer.

But I was internally struggling- I didn't love him at all any more- not even love but not in love. I was also lucky to have a decently paid job and financial security from inheritance. I do sometimes question whether I made the right decision but a year down the line and both my kids are happy and settled. I will definitely never ever blend families again- I don't even want to introduce DD to a partner. I can definitely see how women get trapped when their financial security is worse and all their kids are with the same partner.

Agree with PPs that miserable/toxic relationships are awful for children.

However not all "Meh" relationships are miserable and toxic. I don't think it's that's particularly damaging for children to have parents that are not madly in love and instead are just plodding along.

Do people in these Meh relationships show affection to one another in front of dc? I know Dh and I don’t anymore and it worries me

I’m not into PDAs anyway though to be honest. I think I’d be the same even if was madly in love.

Oh god I hadn't even thought about that! 😂 this was his first admission so add that to more fun things to look forward to if we stay together!

@Thecatisannoying But do you show any at all, a hug, kiss goodbye etc? I worry my Dd isn’t seeing this

Well no but like I say I don’t know that we ever did - it’s not really me.

So this is probably an unpopular opinion but I think unless a man is really supportive and loving he is always more of a negative influence than a positive one in children’s lives.

In about 8 cases out of ten I think single parent households led by women provide a far better environment than those involving a man. Yes there are outliers and some men are involved and wonderful parents but let’s be honest the majority are not. They suck the life out of families putting their “needs” before those of the rest of the family and make women feel trapped, unfulfilled and under appreciated.

Historically that was a tolerable compromise because they provided money which offset their uselessness but increasingly they don’t. A man who doesn’t provide money, doesn’t support his partner or raise his children provides literally no value add whatsoever. A woman is always better off without such a man, as are her children.

I realise a lot of women are too dug in to change this by the time they have children because society funnels them into poor relationships. I know also that this doesn’t help the OP but I think an awful lot of women would do themselves a favour by excluding men from the process of having children in the first place.