Why are some MIL so bad?

[Cupofteaandbiscuits]

Genuine question. What happens to some seemingly lovely women when they become MILs? Why do they go from nice to nasty?

mine was lovely until we had DC then nothing I did was right. Constant criticism of our parenting my favourite being that I should be feeding DD her allergen as it will toughen her up!

I do think about this and hope that I don’t become a MIL that future daughter / son in laws don’t hate me.

The same reasons that some DILs are so bad. Some people are just selfish, self absorbed, spoilt, defensive, insecure, difficult, demanding and far too touchy.

I always tell my DS that when he has a serious partner, remember what I am telling him now - put her first and side with her over me, always, not matter what I might say when the time comes.

My first MIL was an evil bitch and Ex-H was in thrall to her, she could do no wrong. I wrote more about her in my 'unreasonable behaviour' thingy for the solicitor than I did about him!

Wow. Bad experience @TwigletsAndRadishes ?!
I read far more horrible MIL stories on here than I do DIL stories

My exes mother was nasty to me because she didn’t think I was good enough for her son. He was a total narcissist and hasn’t had contact with our dd for many years. Ex mil still says that he sends gifts and money to my dd that I have stolen. It’s hilarious really as he never even paid his child support let alone send gifts, and he hasn’t sent her a birthday card in 5 years.

My MIL has never been nice her own children keep her at arms length with good reason. I thought it was a bit mean until she did it to me!

Thankfully she has taught me a lot.......what to never do if I become a MIL!

A daughter's your daughter all her life
Your son's your son, til he gets a wife.

Something like that anyway.

Some mum's seem to be quite territorial over their son's.

They go from being their go to woman, to second in line.

Where most mums are happy to be gaining a Dil and seeing their son's happy, some mum's feel that their nose has been pushed out of joint.

I would say that is the minority though.

My MIL was batshit from day one. I suspect she saw herself as the matriarch and anyone coming from outside as a "threat" to her family's stability.

She blamed for the financial loss her son getting married entailed (he paid rent) and for making her son move out.

She wanted us to live separately when we got married so that my husband could still live with her and provide for his parents and siblings.

She wanted to have control over everything and everyone. My children were essentially hers, and they were to call her "mum", and I were to move to hers closer to the birth date so that she could bond with the baby and live with them. I was not to have my family over to see the baby after birth either.

I obviously said no to every single batshit demand she had.

Some just get 'baby rabies' ... my first child wasn't her first grandchild but she has no relationship with her other grandchildren aside from one who she doesn't see but the GD only contacts her when she wants something. The other GC are adult age and hate her (what does that tell you!). She's now not allowed access to my 2 children either. Textbook covert narcissist who used the victim mentality, guilt trips and emotional manipulation on the daily. She tries to use my DH as emotional support to replace her husband 🤢

DH can definitely see how nasty she can be and now has minimal contact. We’ve moved an hour away from her to ensure this too. Since she’s been horrible I no longer make sure DH gets her Mother’s Day / birthday cards and gifts and guess what?! She hasn’t got one in years!

I think some are just nasty people.
Sometimes they hide it well to begin with (perhaps to try to keep their child on their side) but don't bother to keep it up.

All of us that have sons may all one become such a mother in law?!

Agreed. I had the Dil from hell, thank God they divorced in the end (she made his life a misery). Now I have a lovely Dil and we get on great. There are just some awful people out there who can put on a front for a while, then their true self comes out…

Maybe that's why some mothers are so keen to have a daughter (rather than a son)?

I’ve had 2 wonderful ‘MILs’ (LTR mums) and 1 bad one (sadly DP’s mum).

May be a coincidence but the wonderful ones had daughters as well as sons. DP’s mum has 2 sons and she was used to being the only female surrounded by yes men while they were growing up. I think she felt quite threatened by another female being on the scene and not being their ‘most important woman’ any more.

My mil just wants it to be her and her son. DH has pitched us against each other and this has damaged my relationship with her beyond repair.

I have 3 sons and I really hope I don't turn vile overnight if/when they get married.

I wonder if mother in law's to son in laws are any better. Like if any of my sons are gay, would I be any less vile to their male partners?

Well you will also be a MIL if your daughter gets a partner too!!

Just it will be your blood daughter that's the mother to grandchildren.

I never liked my mother-in-law, but not because she was my mother-in-law but because she is just a person I would ever choose to spend time with. We have completely different communication styles, interests and in fact have not one thing in common. Now she is no longer my mother-in-law I am relieved.

I often think when a lot of mums on here post things about always putting their child first, not leaving children with babysitters (even doting grandparents) until they're about 10, mum who accuse other mums of being selfish for having the audacity to want an identity and social life outside of being a mum, I always think these are the ones who will be the nightmare mother in laws. When their whole identity is tied up in being a mum, there is no way that just changes when the child grows up. That son will always be their baby in their eyes and their relationship will always be closers than anyone else's... including a wife.
I think these people are the ones who grow into batshit mother in laws

I’ve wondered this, there’s a secret part of me that would love DS to be gay so I don’t have to contend with the MIL/DIL relationship.

My current thoughts after having a difficult MIL are to be relaxed, don’t try to compete with her or her side of the family, just be very welcoming and hopefully slowly win trust and a natural affinity. I think the problems start with the MILs go in with the attitude of ‘I won’t be second best to her family’ and massively overstep in their efforts to assert themselves.

My MIL has a daughter who is the queen of everything and has had private education, a credit card, car etc paid for by parents. DH and his brother have had no such treatment and DH was bitter about her treatment of him when I met him which has got worse and worse.

I tried so hard with her and made such an effort and I wish I hadn’t wasted my time!

I really don't agree with this. Mil had her career, had her own interests and hobbies and every support from her own parents and in laws when raising DH. She and fil were gifted their first homes when marrying etc and have lived a very fulfilling life compared to me and DH and still does but she still competes with me and pushes boundaries for attention and reaction. She is a very selfish, self absorbed woman with no boundaries and in the past has admitted that she was very jealous of me that I was marrying her son 🙄

I think as a future mil to have a pleasant and civil relationship with dil I just need to accept that this person will be ds's family and it's their life and only they will choose how to live it. I will offer help and support when needed, be there when needed and never compare myself to dil to just to prove to ds how amazing i was compared to his wife juggling a career, childcare, domestic chores whilst working in the evenings as a extra job curing diseases.

I am not a MIL yet and I have had a largely good experience as a DIL, so no.

But these are the two people who do most often seem to complain about one another. There seems to be a natural antipathy between the two in a way that doesn't happen with SILs and FILs.

I agree we see more DILS complaining on here than MILs, but that's probably more down to the age demographic of MN. On Gransnet it would possibly be the other way around. But just because it's the DIL doing the moaning on here, doesn't mean she's always the one in the right. I often think I'd love to hear the MIL's side of the story.

When I read an 'AIBU about my MIL' thread I often find myself thinking 'Poor MIL. This DIL sounds like a right piece of work who is impossible to please. She just wants to assert her dominance and is looking for any opportunity to put distance between the MIL and her son and DGCs.'

MILs are either too over-involved or not involved enough. They can't win. And the DIL's own mother often seems to get preferential treatment and priority in terms of access to the DGCs.

That’s probably because there are more DiLs than MiLs posting on here. Have a look at what people have said on the DiL thread. There are some good MiLs, who appreciate the people their sons have married, understand that wife and children come first, help out when needed and don’t interfere.

And the DIL's own mother often seems to get preferential treatment and priority in terms of access to the DGCs.

This is far more likely due to lousy fathering by the sons. I now contact my MIL less than before I had my son because I have less time to do everything and she doesn't make the cut when I have friends and relatives to keep up with in my limited free time - and she has a son to arrange things with.

I arrange things with my mum. He eventually gets contacted by my MIL when it's been too long, and then a date has to be found amongst other plans we've made.

I get a bit of pained expressions from him about this, but I'm not sitting on a bunch of free dates because they don't organise things together.