Why are some MIL so bad?

[Cupofteaandbiscuits]

Genuine question. What happens to some seemingly lovely women when they become MILs? Why do they go from nice to nasty?

mine was lovely until we had DC then nothing I did was right. Constant criticism of our parenting my favourite being that I should be feeding DD her allergen as it will toughen her up!

I do think about this and hope that I don’t become a MIL that future daughter / son in laws don’t hate me.

This absolutely sums up a major reason why one family member and two close friends have had major fall outs with their MILs.

The poster clearly says above that she was really unwell after giving birth. Surely most people who are unwell and in hospital, perhaps having had major abdominal surgery, for any reason, childbirth or otherwise, would much sooner have their own parents / family visit them than their in-laws. The fact that you have taken such offence suggests that you may be one of those MILs!

One of my closest friends was mortified when her ILs (who insisted on visiting because why should only her mum get to see the new grandchild hours after delivery) as her catheter started leaking all over her (she’d had a forceps delivery and surgery straight after to repair a severe tear so was immobile). Her ILs had to be asked to leave whilst the nurse changed it / cleaned her up. They were then messaging her DH (from the hospital cafe) asking could they come back yet?, and were really annoyed when my friend asked if they could wait until the next day, the reason they felt it was so unfair? ‘Her’ parents had got to see baby first and for longer! My friend didn’t have the best relationship with them before that, but after seeing how they clearly saw her just as a uterus, rather than a person with feelings, things have really declined!

Which is weird as she is not an unkind person but I think she sort of wanted my life for a while, a chance to do it again.

@mucky123 I know exactly what you mean by this and I think my MIL is sort of the same. And also very obviously my DD is her favourite and she only had DSs.
She goes on and on about how amazing DH and his brothers’ childhoods were. But I think underneath it is a huge amount of insecurity. Actually DH did have a brilliant childhood apart from two really major issues but when he tries to raise those she gets very upset and won’t engage. I think that’s because she carries a lot of guilt and she maybe feels as though she can do over by being the BEST Grandma. Then I feel she’s treading on all of our toes. Life and people are complicated and messy!

A friend of mine said mothers of sons make far worse MiLs than mothers of daughters or mothers of sons and daughters.

I’m reluctantly inclined to agree, although by Jo means does that apply to all mums of exclusively boys, it’s just a tendency. MIL is used to being surrounded by Yes men who do anything for an easy life and to avoid a row, and was surprised me and SIL wouldn’t.

From the stories I hear and the neglect my husband faced as a kid, my MIL is the last person on earth who should be judging anyone.

She's got two kids and both are bags of PTSD.

But here we are - as she tries to relive a second chance through me and my kids - while openly disliking me but wanting to use my children as a way of making herself feel better. And doing some spiteful horrendous shit on the way.

Those of you on this thread who've had MILs you despise for a very long time - I'm ten years in and I'm sick to death of my DH being put in the middle and guilted/manipulated into her toxic web.

When does it get easier? How do you manage it??

Good grief @StripeyDeckchair she sounds utterly unhinged.

I'm not a MiL, or grandparent yet, but speaking from my own experience of a difficult birth, and remaining in hospital for the following week, I welcomed the fact that my dc had both sets of grandparents there, to show their support to us.

My MiL ad I probably wouldn't be friends if we met in other circumstances - we are just different people - but she is just as much my dcs' Grandmother as my Mum was. She was just as able to be empathetic to us as my Mum was.

Clearly, there are people who are not empathetic, or kind, or helpful, and some (looking at you @StripeyDeckchair who have an ex-MiL who is completely deranged, but that is because that is their personality, NOT because they are a MiL.

I’m a mil to three girls and one boy !! My ds is now divorced but my dil na I still meet up and is still a member of the family !!! My son has come to accept this ! Another dil lives with us with Dd and their child . I think just being kind and having pacience is the key . Give and take and remembering these are the people my children love . I can’t understand why woman make life so tricky for their children

I’ve been lucky. My MIL has been lovely. I cannot claim to be super emotionally close to her as we are very different people, but we have a mutually respectful relationship and get on fine, and I do love her. One of the reasons I married DH was I could tell his relationship with his mum was a loving and healthy one. My MIL was respectful about our decision not to parent, and never brought up once her disappointment at not having grandchildren. She volunteered at kid’s clubs instead and took great enjoyment out of that. I would venture to say my relationship with my MIL is much better than the one I had with my mum, which was always tricky.

@Bitterhampton

Who wishes cancer on someone?! How did you react to that!?

There’s loads of awful DIL threads too! It’s just that many of them are written by the DIL…

I’ve been married twice so had 2 MIL’s. My first MIL was lovely and I genuinely missed her when my ex and I split. Sadly she passed away many years ago. My current MIL is a difficult character but I’m used to her ways and rather fond of her.
i have a DIL that I’ve tried hard with but she clearly dislikes me

It didn't upset me as much as you'd think.
She's never wanted a close relationship, which I didn't realise for 15 years!. I stopped looking for approval or 'family' and it's just like reacting politely with a neighbour for now 30 years.
I initially thought someone being so poorly would bring everyone together. But I've just had to sit on those feelings. It's so strange, so alien, it's just part of that.

I do regret making so much effort in the early part of my marriage being so desperate to be liked, to fit in for the sake of my DH. I naively assumed we would move closer together as family. Actually my MIL saw me more as a work colleague, a junior one, and that's where she & FIL kept me.

I'm a lot more at peace now I think of some stuff as 'not my pay grade' or not my job.but I do feel sad that I've not had the opportunity to build a more loving support network.

Enmeshed relationships with their son and bitterness that the son has a different number 1 woman in his life ... entitlement to 'their' grandchildren ... misconception that their son and his little family should include her in everything they do despite having their own family now and should facilitate her relationship with her grandkids ... thinking she knows better about childcare JUST because she's older (often without paying any attention to recent safety guidelines or child psychology studies). Wanted to be treated 'equally' to their DILs mother despite the fact a DIL will generally (not always) be doing 70% of childcare on her own while on maternity leave while DH works (and wants to spend time with her own parents)

The list goes on ... there's a whole host of reasons!

It’s the power/influence shift.
My MIL once stated ‘I am the centre of all my sons lives… even your DH’! 😂😂 verbatim, not joking!

Its difficult going from someone that has a lot of influence over a persons life to watching someone else have that influence, particularly another woman.