Why are some MIL so bad?

[Cupofteaandbiscuits]

Genuine question. What happens to some seemingly lovely women when they become MILs? Why do they go from nice to nasty?

mine was lovely until we had DC then nothing I did was right. Constant criticism of our parenting my favourite being that I should be feeding DD her allergen as it will toughen her up!

I do think about this and hope that I don’t become a MIL that future daughter / son in laws don’t hate me.

I have 3 GC and I understand she'll turn to her DM.
She lives closer to them I also have younger kids so can't babysit.
But I feel we are treated equally as best as they can.

In our experience it's been the opposite amongst family and close friends. These seem the type to be aware and put family before their own feelings. It's the borderline or outright neglectful mums who turn into the MILs who can't handle not having full control and don't care enough about family members to have limits with how spiteful they get.

To add an example my sisters MIL spent her children's childhood controlling their behaviour through yelling and hitting them, and as adults can't handle not being obeyed but no longer has that control so it causes explosive reactions when she doesn't get her own way.

I met MIL 31 years ago. I have never been part of her family. Within weeks of meeting, she told me that she'd told the previous girlfriend stay in touch, but didn't mean it.
This was repeated for two ex girlfriends of BIL.
The invention of WhatsApp means I'm very aware of my place. I'm on the massive group chat but not the 'grown up' one.
I'm not part of any social chat, health chat, logistics. After 31 years I am less of a friend than the guy that cuts their lawn.
Sad really. I think DH will probably divorce me once the kids are off to uni. At that point his family will never contact me ever again. I wonder whether stbexh will finally buy a present, card, hospitality gifts, etc

And also many men have appalling MILs, women who are never away from his home and whose opinions re treated as holy writ by his wife while any opinion he has that contrary to the sainted MIL's is derided, no question of the wife supporting her husband at all times!

Why do you think DH will divorce you after the kids go? 😕

The wisdom of Mrs Brown

Perhaps at some point in the future all the dils on here could come back if you happen to be mils, and let us know how you've got on.

Yes! Especially those daughter-in-laws that complain so bitterly now. Let's see what sort of mother-in-laws they themselves become?!?

I agree with this - I always think these will be most likely to be the tricky MIL's or sometimes the ones most likely to wonder why their own relationships are in jeopardy because they have forgotten they are anything but a Mother. Of course a Mother is the most important job but it is certainly not the only job.

I'm about to become a mil after 10 years of having the mil from literal hell.

I love my dil. I care for her. I support her. I treat my son and his soon to be wife the same.

It is an honour to have gained a new daughter. I want to support ehm any way I can.

My mil has been nothing but horrible to me and about me since day 1. She has said and one some truly awful things to me. I have done nothing but love, idolise and care for her son and done absolutely nothing to deserve her contempt.

Example: she has said to my face that we are too lovey dovey and to give it a rest and be more chilled out. We were having a hug. She hates too much affection and has never been in love, she is way to self obsessed to love anyone. Maybe cats. She loves cats. Apart from that one she drowned!

Urgh. I truly detest my mil.

I’m lucky. My husband knew exactly who he was marrying, and flat out said that the fact I’m nothing like his mother was definitely a strong factor. He needed someone who had his back, a relationship with his mother was never on his radar.

He needed someone who had his back, a relationship with his mother was never on his radar.

As a mother of a (teenage) son that's a sad thought - that he may not want a relationship with me once he's married.

I think sons are often the invisible figures yet can be central to this dynamic.

So often I read here that they don’t stand up against unpleasant behaviour towards a DIL , or bother to contact their own parents, so DIL end up doing this. They avoid conflict .
Interesting that daughters and FIL issues are seldom mentioned..

DH is a dreadful son in terms of communication with his parents. He just doesn't care, he is the centre of his own universe.
He's about to go and stay for a few days with them but actually thinks he can be vague about arrival, turn up empty handed, leave his towels and bedding for others to sort out.
And yet some how this was/is/will be my fault as his wife.
I'm done with it.

Interesting that daughters and FIL issues are seldom mentioned.

I have big FIL issues! He's done all sorts of rude things to me over the years, in fact MIL and BIL frequently apologise for him. (Yes, I have a DH issue here...)

The best examples of the kind of wanker he is are:

MIL generously paid for dinner for us all to celebrate his birthday to the tune of £££. Two weeks later, FIL appears to do the same thing... Except he messages my husband secretly asking him to pay our share later, and not tell his mum!

Another time, my husband generously gets them a trip away with us. I'm heavily pregnant and have had HG throughout. I do all the driving, but now out when it gets to 10pm because I'm exhausted and they can get a taxi. FIL comes in bitching at midnight that I should have dragged myself out to do the 45m round trip to collect them, that had always been the plan etc... MIL hugely apologetic.

It was very satisfying when we revealed that my son had my dad's name and a different family name from their side. No way was I giving that stingy git a naming credit on the baby when he didn't care about my health in pregnancy.

I'm my own case I'm hoping that the fact that I have two sons and no daughters will help me be a good MIL when my time comes. For me the problem is not my husband he keeps out of it. But I constantly keep getting told how her daughter, my SIL does this that and the other with her kids and I'm always having it forced upon me that their way is better and I have two ferral delinquents. The way I see it is I have two boys who do run a bit riot and are boisterous but that's because I let them be kids and don't shut them up with screens all the time.

Whatever I do my methods are seen as a bit crazy by my MIL

My MIL was neglectful and abusive. My husband’s relationship with her was out of obligation long before I came along.

and to add, I meant MY having a relationship with his mother was never on his radar.

I do think there is something about having grandchildren that can set some perfectly reasonable MILs off. My MIL was fine, we weren't very close as different people and she lived the other end of the country but we got on.
She went a bit daft at our wedding, bit over-bearing about some things but I ignored it and it all went back to normal.
Then 5 years later and my twin dds came along and she was obsessed and became very overbearing for about 5 years (until she got some other GC from my BIL). They were the only girls (she had had 2 boys) and the first GC and because they were twins there was usually one available for a cuddle. I did find it very tough and at times she was unkind. Which is weird as she is not an unkind person but I think she sort of wanted my life for a while, a chance to do it again. I probably didn't also handle it as well as I might have done as I was immature and tired with looking after twins. The last 10 years + have been fine and I know I will miss her terribly when she goes (hopefully a while yet). So my point is, it can be temporary and perhaps hormonal for some people.

I'm hoping that the fact that I have two sons and no daughters will help me be a good MIL when my time comes.

Me too!

Why shouldn’t they see their mother. They presumably love her… “good boys” sounds rather vindictive in tone.
And so many parents of young children/teens live through their children. She’s taking an interest in their lives poor woman

Perhaps you missed the part where MIL was upset that a visit was cancelled due to a complicated miscarriage?

That has no relevance to that poster's sneering tone about the other sons going to see her every holiday. I'd have thought that's pretty normal. We went to see my in-laws every holiday too. And my DH's consideration for his parents in doing so (they lived 2.5 hours away) was one of the things that made me aware of how good a man he was.

It’s also strange how these terrible MILs seemed to produce lovely sons/husbands. Maybe they were indeed good mothers!
I’m not sure that giving unsolicited advice/not adhering to orders (eg when they have the grandchildren for a whole day) makes them narcissistic either! Isn’t it just part and parcel of getting along with others?

I definitely think that's true but if you're not a GM it's hard to explain.
Like I get on with my dil who has kids.
But now and again I go bonkers.
But only to my DP I get all my batshit energy out on him.
And then I'm back to normal.
Like I do get jealous of her DM being able to do stuff or she gets more time with them.

But I'd never say it and I think that's what it comes down to.

My Sil has breast cancer.
I am fatter, less fit and my children are older.
My MIL actually voiced 'why couldn't it be you'

I've known her for longer than not known her but at the end of the day, blood is thicker than water and it does do strange things when under pressure.

Jealousy and ownership, they think maybe even on an unconscious unconscious that they still 'own' the family and you therefore must listen to criticism. They're also redundant from their former role and see you as a threat.