Why are some MIL so bad?

[Cupofteaandbiscuits]

Genuine question. What happens to some seemingly lovely women when they become MILs? Why do they go from nice to nasty?

mine was lovely until we had DC then nothing I did was right. Constant criticism of our parenting my favourite being that I should be feeding DD her allergen as it will toughen her up!

I do think about this and hope that I don’t become a MIL that future daughter / son in laws don’t hate me.

I’m a mum of 2 grown sons that are married. I’m so careful to be friendly and helpful to my dils. My own mother in law is a complete bitch. 40yrs later she just as horrid. Always made it clear she doesn’t like me with her hateful snide comments. I actually hate her. Evil old bag. She was awful to her husband who died young (probably stress) which makes me dislike her even more!

But equally there are DILs who take ownership of their partners and see their MIL (who after all has a longer history with her son) as a threat.

I think the relationship has potential to be fraught in both directions.

I think it’s many women have never felt real love from a man, even the Fathers of their children so their sons become the only man who they have ever felt any love from. Of course that love is then displaced, hence the irrational jealousy of the DIL.

My DS has a long term GF of 5 years we get on very well. I am hoping they marry. I know it’s a different kind of love as it should b. I am lucky enough to have a DH who I know loves me. I want my DS to be able to give and receive love a long time and I am not living for ever as far as I’m aware.

No, that site acknowledges the faults that can exist from all sides.

I wonder why so many MIL are bad but not FIL?

Wish I knew father in laws can be just as bad too glad I don't have to speak to mine anymore. Very strange manipulative people.
I'd of loved to have had decent in laws

My FIL is a prick if that helps. He stomped in with a rude and mean joke as soon as he came in to meet my son, and I told him to piss off. MIL chimed in, "yes, piss off" and asked if I was ok.

My MIL wanted to be in the delivery room as soon as my baby was born (first grandchild). I said no and then she threw a tantrum and gave us the silent treatment. She was also angry my parents visited me and my baby in hospital because I was very unwell after giving birth. Of course my parents had preferential treatment in seeing their first grandchild before the in laws.

Of course my parents had preferential treatment in seeing their first grandchild before the in laws.

Why is that 'of course' ?

As a mother of a son that actually makes me sad.

If you quoted my entire post then you'd know why. I was really unwell in hospital after giving birth so I wanted to see my parents, not my in-laws, soon after giving birth.

My MIL is an evil witch. I don't speak to her much but it really opened my eyes when my SIL gave birth a few months ago, her and BIL requested a week to adjust. Guess who turned up at the hospital an hour later? Yep, MIL. She then proceeded to take multiple pictures (while SIL was not fully dressed) and posted them everywhere. Yes you could see SIL private parts in all the pictures. My partner and I don't plan to have kids for a while, but I have already told my partner that under no circumstances will she be doing the same with us. He is already LC with her which says a lot in itself to be honest.

Probably because the mil had a tantrum about not being allowed in the delivery Room.
Mil ruined herself from being excluded.

I think the addition of children can definitely cause different behaviour. I absolutely love my MIL (and my FIL!). She's a lovely, kind woman and we get on well. However, H and I are childfree.

When my SIL had our neice, she was definitely not as lovely to SIL ex. Now he was an absolute moron, so I can't really blame her. But she's never treated any of SILs partners as nicely as she treats me that I can see. (Hope the current partner makes the cut as he's a lovely bloke!) She's never horrible, but certainly gets more 'involved' and provides far more opinions.

Of course my parents had preferential treatment in seeing their first grandchild before the in laws.

There is no "of course" about it.
I was delighted that my new dc had 4 Grandparents that were excited to meet them, and to support me.

When ex & I went to see his parents after announcing our engagement she hugged me & whispered how disappointed she was to me.
And that was probably our best ever interaction.

The evening before our wedding she stormed off in a huff from the pub saying she wouldn't come to the wedding (she did)

When our twins were due due we turned the large double spare room into their nursery & put the bed in storage in the cupboard under the stairs.
I spent 10 days in hospital with them after an early CS
Told all family we wanted the first few days at home just us
Turned into the drive & she opened the front door to us.
Babies were asleep & I wanted to put them in down in yhe nursery before confronting them only to find they had totally dismantled the nursery and reinstated the spare room.
I went apeshit and lost it, demanded they immediately put everything back & leave or they'd never set foot in the house again, see the twins etc.

As awful as all that is, it sounds like your ex needs to shoulder the blame for much of that. After all, they were clearly given a key and told where the spare bed was being stored. It sounds as if he knew all about it.

I'm about to become a mil, my son just announced his engagement!

I have an awful mil myself!

I'm about to become a mil, my son just announced his engagement!

So many of us with sons may all become mean mother in laws

I hope I'll be a nice MIL

Good grief.
They were clearly completely batshit.
But I am also questioning why anyone would have let them have a key, as clearly this behaviour couldn't have come completely out of the blue.

She admitted that she had a key because she'd had one cut when on a previous visit (she'd gone off shopping alone)

She had no respect for anyone's privacy and would enter bedrooms, sort through drawers etc to be nosey.
I did have a H problem and she was a significant factor in him becoming an Ex

When I met DH Ithought he was a bit hard on his mum. He kept her at arms length and didn't share much information with her. Over the years I've realised why. Constant calls, rude
behaviour, huffing and tantrums are common place though she has a good heart. It's all a bit exhausting. We've both recently realised recently that she is probably autistic and doesn't behave according to societal norms. She has real problems regulating her emotions. It's still frustrating but understanding that challenging behaviour is not a choice on her part helps.

How can we all avoid becoming these horrible MILs?

I have a son and it makes me sad that he and his future wife might hate me..!

My mil is great however my own is very hard work. I do notice though she tries to be over involved in grown kids lives... at times

I really think it has the potential to be a fraught relationship in a way that others don’t. Some of my friends have genuinely awful MILs but most just have MILs that they don’t particularly like and would never choose otherwise to have any sort of relationship with. of course you
might feel that way about your birth family too but, in most cases, you have that deep love which helps you put up with their foibles.

My MIL is in no way a bad person but I would never be friends with her (I do have friends around her age) and I don’t really like her values (she’s probably not wild about mine either!) Yet we have to spend quite a bit of time together which can just make things tense.

On the other side of the coin my son is now back living with me because his mil threw him out.
It's her home.
But I'm only hearing the fucking awful things she's being saying to him.
My son is the sweetest most kind hearted person and doesn't deserve this shit.

I can't go mad at the mil because she's old and sick.
But I've certainly seen her in a new light.