Why are some MIL so bad?

[Cupofteaandbiscuits]

Genuine question. What happens to some seemingly lovely women when they become MILs? Why do they go from nice to nasty?

mine was lovely until we had DC then nothing I did was right. Constant criticism of our parenting my favourite being that I should be feeding DD her allergen as it will toughen her up!

I do think about this and hope that I don’t become a MIL that future daughter / son in laws don’t hate me.

Why are some DILs people so nasty?

Fixed that for you.

@Houseplanter

This isn't about 'nasty' daughter-in-laws, the OP asked why some mother-in-laws are so bad. Why don't you start your own thread if you want to discuss nasty daughter-in-laws? I am sure you will find plenty of mums of sons who will have a tale to tell.

@SerafinasGoose but you didn't correct the OPs question?

I’ve got 3 sons and I’m really hoping the MIL/DIL experience goes well. I really think I’m a reasonable and friendly person and I’d love a bit more of a female balance to the family. I’m a bit scared by the idea that I’m not used to females in the family & that’ll I expect to be the matriarch. Maybe I do & doing realise it!?

I got on well with my own MIL - we were very different people but I respected her and she never tried to push any boundaries. I just really hope I get on with my son’s partners…and that they all get on with one another too.

Just realised this post was in direct response to the thread title. Strangely enough this escaped me at the time.

Allow me a belated correction. Of course, the same applies.

It's a great pity this breakdown in relations so often happens once children come on the scene. I have no real theory as to why.

What a load of nonsense. Let me guess. Have you got daughters as well as sons? Or at least daughters?

I have only sons and none of them are yes men. I had an awful MiL and she had both. She wasn't a nice mother either.

Nasty people become nasty ILs whether that's MiL, FiL, SiL or DiL.

Mine is still very much my MIL, but agree with this. We have literally zero in common besides my DH - she is a kind hearted person but our opinions and tastes are just totally opposite!

I can already tell which of my friends are likely to end up as someone's nightmare MIL. They have a weirdly co-dependent relationship with their adult sons and still treat them as if they were little boys, not grown men. That doesn't bode well for when a permanent partner and DGCs comes along.

One of my friends has a son in his mid 20s who works in a graduate position in London. He phones her every single day on his way home from work, on his walk from the tube station to his flat. That's 'their' time for a daily chat. If I suggested to any of my adult children that we had a daily chat, let alone a regular time for one, they'd get a restraining order out on me, I think. WTF do they even talk about, daily? I find that bizarre.

I've had perfectly good relationships with all of my children's partners so far, no grandchildren yet which makes it easier, but we don't live in one another's pockets and we are very careful not to offer unsolicited advice or opinions on things that don't really concern us. And we never, ever say anything that might be considered critical of their partners, even though at times we have to just 'sit on' something that's giving us concern.

I have friends who never seem to like their sons' girlfriends. The concern is always that she is too controlling and emotionally manipulative, that he's being dragged into something too serious, too soon, no longer has any time by himself or time with his friends and all the decisions for him or about him now seem to be made by her, or are too heavily influenced by her.

We've had a bit of that with one of our DC, whose life choices and career and future seems to be based around prioritising their partner's needs. Their partner has decided that they need to move to a specific city for a career opportunity, so our DC trots off after them, even though it's a bit of a tumbleweed place for their own job opportunities. This is just about to happen for the second time.

But in the end have to be very careful how we broach that concern, without it looking like we are encouraging them to split up, which we are not. So we keep our counsel. In the end they are adults and can make their own decisions. If it turns out be the wrong ones then all we can do is be there for them when it goes wrong and try not to say I told you so.

I think things go sour because it's a forced relationship at a time when the DIL is at her most vulnerable, tired and under stress. MILs are so so involved in your life, more than any or your friends, but they are essentially a stranger and, unlike your own mother, they don't have your best interest at heart.

I had a wonderful mil, I still had a great relationship with her after my divorce. We were kind and considerate to each other, if she cooked I would obviously help and wash up etc. As she got older I would do little jobs that she couldn't do. These are just examples of our friendship.
She left me some money when she died.

My dil is not a horrible person, my son loves her and they have a happy marriage. However she is not a considerate, kind person. With me or others. She will sit and watch whilst I am cooking, preparing etc and then eat the meal. She wouldn't offer to wash up, which I think is basic manners. We get on and we are straightforward with each other but we will not have the same relationship as I had with my mil.

I am v good friends with a mill and get on well with her dil,, they are both lovely but only get on if they don't see each other too often.
Sometimes I think it's chemistry.

My MIL is just a difficult person in the first place, though she has her good sides. She can give very good advice, the flipside is she can be very judgemental and black and white. She's also has a lot of status anxiety - DH thinks it's because she's immigrant, whose parents were immigrants in the country where she grew up, so she worries a lot (unnecessarily) about what people think, and what people judge as normal or successful etc.

Most MILs I know seem to have an at least fine relationship with the people their kids are married too, though.

I think a lot of it has to do with the mils expect the Dil to keep her in the loop about things.
When really that's the sons job.
I think lowering your own expectations is the way forward.
And not expecting to be included in everything,it is hard and sometimes feelings get hurt.
But as long as it's not intentional you can get along

@ClemmyTine Does your son help with the meal or offer to wash up?

While there are undoubtedly some nasty people out there, I think that a lot of the MIL stories on here have been hugely exaggerated for maximum effect.

I think it’s about control and finding it difficult to accept that you’re no longer the one who calls the shots. For years, you were in charge of when and where everyone went for holidays, what everyone did for Christmas, etc etc. Then your kids get married and start to decide how they want to celebrate Christmas etc, and it’s hard not to be the one ‘in charge’ anymore. Some women handle this more graciously than others. Some unfortunately like to cause issues, just to show that they have some sort of impact/control of the situation.

It’s likely that due to the nature of the site there are more DILs than MILs on here anyway, but fewer MILs would dare to post about a horrible DIL as however bad the DIL behaviour the MIL would still get their arse handed to them. No point.

Combination of a power struggle to be number one woman / top dog. Plus a fair amount of “l know best”. My MIL and mother are both afflicted by thinking they know best. Ironically my MIL doesn’t show this to often but my mother does, she struggles to grasp l have different approaches to life and parenting to her

to = too

I’d also add…. accept that your DIL’s will (probably) turn to their own mothers/families when the grandchildren come along and don’t be upset by that. I have 2 DS, both with wonderful wives that I get on well with, who message and phone me regularly independently of my sons. It’s a tough balance letting them know that you are interested and there for them, without overstepping but worth the effort.

I found this too, but on reflection she's been pretty bitchy all her life, narcissist, snobby she just hides it less now she's nearly 80. Our children cannot stand her and do all they can to not Visit as she's nasty to them too

Yes he does.

It's the patriarchy innit.

My MiL is mostly fine and I have no doubt she loves us all but she is very old school. Only child who had an only son. I know she disagrees with plenty of parenting decisions but she has backed off a lot when we reminded her she only had one child and didn't work until he was 12. So with 2 kids and working things were different eg if cloth nappies were very important her and FiL could pick them up and wash them because I would be at work!
She used to think she had first dibs as mum/grannie as I have a sibling so my mum was fine and we should always be with her for every occasion as DH is her only child. No thought that I'd want to see my own mum/sibling too. She's totally mellowed now though.

Perhaps at some point in the future all the dils on here could come back if you happen to be mils, and let us know how you've got on.

😂

I love all the "when I'm a MIL, I'll...(be perfect)" posts.
It's like before we all had kids and we knew exactly how we were going to be much better parents than those we knew and silently judged. Then we had our own children and ...