Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

Also, it's a wedding. It's literally about a couple getting married because they love each other. Really sad to make it about a hostile divorce. Maybe they don't want people to look at the top table, see six parent figures there on an unbalanced table and think... I guess some marriages don't last.

That poor bride. Go to the wedding, sit wherever you put and congratulate the bride and groom. Please don't this about you.

And yet he is happy to have her sitting at the head table with his father at his wedding. So time to smile and enjoy their wedding and support them.

Because the history behind it is horrible so I understand why they hate one another and his ex wife is just as bad.

Get a bigger table.

It should be his parents - unless he really has no relationship with one of them - and they should suck it up and put everything aside to ensure the day goes smoothly.
It won't be "most of the day" it will be 2 hrs (3 at most) and the table can be arranged so they don't have to sit next to each other ...if that's absolutely necessary.

The B&G if there is room could ask you and DSF to also join....but Bride may then want 2 additional people from her family.

Apparently your DH thinks you should be there because he was the RP when the boy was younger. Like - so what. Imagine a woman trying to kick the dad out and get her fella up there!

Your DH thinks he can overrule his DS and his fiancée who want a traditional top table set up, and put you there. He wants to actively create problems for his actual son on his actual wedding day by some concept that he’s earned it by not being hated and by being the RP. nothing remarkable in either of those things.

My BF’s parents had an extremely acrimonious divorce - literally couldn’t bear to be in the same room as each other etc. Everyone was really nervous about how they would be at her wedding (she went traditional too so had them on the top table minus their new partners). They were both so overcome with emotion on the day that they put their differences aside & even ended up having a dance together at the reception !!

So they might surprise you on the day 😊ultimately it is the B&G’s decision and tbf what they’ve suggested is the same as the weddings I’ve been to with divorced parents

Sorry, I posted a response having mis-read the post (had it in my head the OP was getting married!)
So, I have deleted it, and this explanation is the edited post
Off to Barnards Castle to test my eyes
😁

Yes

Any man who still 'hates' his ex wife after all this time (and vice versa) is a narcissistic, self-indulgent baby. Nobody should say anything and only the parents should be at the top table.

The parents or step parents of each should be at the top table. If two exes don't get along don't sit them near eachother. It's going to be having enough room so noone is forced to converse with anyone they don't want to. But I'd expect everyone to be very polite and civil if it's such a big occasion.

He’s a grown man still not getting over hating a woman he was with decades ago. Don’t you find that alarming? That he can’t even be 4 people away from her and behave reasonably when his son is getting married. Unless there was serious abuse (and even then decades later I’d expect feelings to be put aside for the B&G for one day) it’s utterly ridiculous to be this way.

It won't be awkward if they are having a traditional top table as they will have the bride and groom and her parents between them. Other people won't think it disrespectful to you because it will just be seen as the expected way to do it. You can sit with your DH for the ceremony and spend most of the reception together.

The back story is alarming but I'm not going into all of that.

@TaylorZ if they had to sit with 4 people between them on the top table - such is the traditional set up - would they be able to cope with that without shooting dirty looks or PA comments around? It’s what 90 minutes, 2 hours tops?

What about during the ceremony? Usually parents and bridesmaid/groomsmen all sit together on the front row. What will that look like?

Alarming enough for everyone to warrant acting like a baby decades later and refusing to be civil for ONE DAY? Their son’s wedding day?

I also find the opposite of love is not hate, it’s indifference. To hate someone means you feel a great deal of passion for them otherwise they wouldn’t give two shits. If he hates her and she hates him I’d be worried as to why - can’t you see it’s really not normal?

No you just randomly called her a bridezilla with no justification at all and have continued to stick to it despite people pointing out its insulting and mysoginistic

Meanwhile apparently its the parents/step parents causing all the problems and making a fuss whilst the poor bride probably wonders why some grown adults cant behave in a civilised manner for a few hours, and gets labelled a bridezilla in the process

They shouldn't sit together, they should sit with their opposite number, so FoG with MoB on one side, FoB with MoG on the other.
If you are able to then you could sit with the other spare step-parent and get to know him.
It's not the whole day at all: it's an hour of dinner and then 20 minutes of speeches.

This.

It should be her mum sitting with his dad and vice versa. DSS parents dont sit together so it's a non issue.

It's not your place to get involved or your husband's to insist.

So this couple hasn’t spent any time together since this awful split that must be at least 20 years ago?

their paths have never crossed at their son’s school, they had to have a third party do handovers when their son was small, they have never discussed any parenting issues? That is so sad for your step son.

but your step son clearly still has and wants his mum in his life. He can’t dislike her as much as you think or she wouldn’t be in his life.

maybe you need to adjust your view of their relationship.

@dimllaishebiaith I said she was in Bridezilla mode because she has been getting worked up over minute details. I'm not about to list it all out and turn this thread into a slagging off fest of my future DIL.

Fair enough

Also- the depth of feeling people have for their Mums even if they have been treated badly by them can be really surprising.

My cousin's Mum left him as a baby. Brought up entirely by his Dad and stepmum. Dad remortgaged the house to pay for him through uni. Who does he invited to his graduation? His Mum and her boyfriend. Dad was devastated, obviously. But I guess he just wanted his Mum to be there. These things aren't always logical.