Head Table Havoc

[TaylorZ]

My DSS is getting married and the conversations have come up about who sits at the head table. There is no issue for my stepson's fiancé as her parents are still together so will naturally be at the head table together. She believes my DH and his ex wife should be on the head table too. Being his biological parents, I would be inclined to agree, except:

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both.
• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy.
• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day.

My stepson doesn't seem phased about table arrangements but his wife to be is in Bridezilla mode over minute details.

Is it unreasonable to suggest both DH and I, plus his DM and her husband all sit at the head table? Or should just one couple do it? Personally I don't care if his mum and her DH take the spot if needs be but DSS actually prefers us over his mum and my DH family would see it as an insult all things considered.

If both couples have been together for a long time and been active in the children's lives, they all be included on the top table

Your DH and ex wife should grow up and not ruin their child’s wedding day for nothing.

My Ds has such a small family in comparison to his wife that they dispensed with the top table. He and his wife sat together, facing a room of round tables, brides immediate family on one table, and Ds's on the one nearest him. Our table still had an empty seat and hers spilled onto other tables about the room.
This would work with your DSS too, he could split up the people who no longer get along and keep the peace.

Yet here you are posting about the top table on mumsnet.

Bridezilla is also a term that people use when they disagree with the bride (or groom) on their wedding planning and the B&G lay down boundaries. I was called a bridezilla because I wouldn’t allow my auntie to bully me into making my cousin a bridesmaid.

An actual bridezilla is someone who is acting unreasonably and entitled. What examples do you have of her doing this?

It's not really your call to make.

Personally, I think in cases, other than where there has been domestic violence or abuse, surely two grown up adults both with new partners, should be able to be amicable enough to one another to sit in polite company for a couple of hours for the sake of their children.

This is true, it ripples through your entire life. Birthdays, weddings, graduation, having your own children... you have to compromise on every single thing. Can't these people just be adults for a few hours and let the couple have their wedding without causing stress

There is no need to complicate things. It is a wedding. It is about the bride and groom, therefore the bride and groom's parents if alive sit at the top table. Not the bride and groom's parents' husband and wife or any other member of the extended family. Keep it simple. It's one day. They will survive.

My mum actually refused to come to my wedding if my dad was invited. I just thought "why can it not be about me on my wedding, rather than your hatred for your ex."

Surely that is for the bride and groom to decide?

I find it a bit irritating that we are meant to be wowed because a man was the resident parent of a child. No one ever thinks “wow” when a woman looks after a child 12 nights out of 14. OP seems to think her and her DH get more points or clout for being RP.

About 60% of posters have stressed they won’t be sat together anyway but OP hasn’t addressed it - I think someone is spoiling for a fight or “The mum sounds like a bitch it should be YOU THERE OP”.

And calling a bride “Bridezilla” is implying she’s behaving like a monster. It’s not nice OP. You say “But she is”. And do you know what - I wouldn’t blame her. Most of her future ILs are behaving like selfish dicks, she is probably grasping at straws to have a damage limitation wedding because for some reason 2 adults who are meant to love her OH can’t sit 4 people apart or be away from their partners for 90 minutes. Pathetic. No wonder she wants to keep as much control with everything else as she can

The only reason she would be unreasonable IMO is if your DSS isn't comfortable with it and she's overruling for some sort of old fashioned etiquette. But that's between them. I really think it should be DSS who decides this.

I agree parents wont sit next to each other anyway if etiquette is followed.

Im not in this situation myself, but having divorced parents who dont get on, through no fault of your own, can make life hard. Being the one having to worry about your feuding parents on your wedding day is worse than having to sit on your own, or sitting with your ex IMO. No one is expecting his Mum and Dad to change now, but literally the one thing they can do for him is to suck this up and not make a fuss. I really hope that they dont make the day about them.

I do get how you feel by the way...but anyone who matters will know you have been a good 'mum' to him and her sitting at the top table at his wedding doesn't change that.

So my DH and his ex wife who practically hate each other should be forced to sit together for appearance sakes? It is also not me that has the issue here.

Well, yes. Yes they should. If that's what the bride and groom want.

Wow that is a stretch.

Us too. Me and DH sat at a table on our own, and mingled between courses. Far less drama!!

Do you not get the ick OP from your OH? Presumably the split was decades ago, or long enough for a generation to pass of his son is an adult getting married. And your ex STILL is so hateful towards a woman he hasn’t been hitched to for decades and playing games at what is supposed to be his son’s happiest day of his life, because he clearly thinks his feelings matter more than his son and DIL-to-be.

How can stand to go to bed with such a big baby?

Is it though? Your step son’s mother and his future wife are the baddies. Your step son is staying out of it and your husband is making snowballs for you to throw.

You aren’t this man’s mother - if you start making suggestions about how you want his wedding to play out it could end badly for you. There will be lots of ‘top tables’ to navigate - first grandchild - first Christmas with a new baby - kids birthday parties.

tread carefully and don’t make enemies - particular of the new wife. If you cause a row over their wedding it would take a long time to heal. Best to smile, sit where you are allocated and let the selfish parents row about it if they want.

Read the thread. I never said this is specifically what has made her Bridezilla.

I think for the sake of part of one day, every one just has to suck it up and behave like grown ups. It's their day. There may be a few other events in future that you all have to be it (Christenings, graduation etc) but it will be really rare. It's a very common situation at weddings. If step son had strong feelings about it, he would have voiced them to his fiancee.

• The split between DH and his ex was not amicable, it is still hostile all these years later, so would be very awkward for both. says you.....maybe they will surprise you and turn it around for the day.

• DH feels it is a bit disrespectful to me considering we have had majority custody of DSS since he was a little boy. "Don't worry, DH, I don't feel disrespected at all. I am secure with my role in his life and therefore I am comfortable with this table arrangement."

• DSS mum has also been remarried for a long time, which leaves both her husband and I sitting without our spouses for the majority of the day. It's only the meal....usually partners are split alternatively on seating plans anyway. Chat to someone new! You might enjoy it!

Fixed it for you.....

(reading it back, there is an awful lot about you in your concerns.....)

If they are going full traditional top table DSS Mum and Dad won't be sitting together anyway. I'm pretty sure it goes mother sitting next to fil and father by mil

It's really up to DSS, if he decides he wants his parents at the top table then they are just going to have to get on with it

Who said you should be wowed by the fact we were resident parents. The relevance of this is that my DSS doesn't particularly like his mum.

Yes because it’s one day that is about THEIR CHILD so they can suck it up for a single meal like adults.

I went to a wedding recently where neither parents/step parents etc were at the top table, nor sisters of the bride and groom, the top table was their closest friends. They did it to avoid any uncomfortable situations with exes etc and asked each sister/parent stepparent couple (some deceased so not loads) to 'host a table' and sat them with their own friends and relatives. It worked well.
Having said that it's up to the bride and groom and if the groom wants his biological parents at the top table they should be able to suck it up for the course of a meal. I've never been to a wedding where everyone stays in their allocated place into the evening once the food is done.

When our daughter got married I sat next to the grooms father and my DH sat by grooms mum. Is that not an option.