To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

Is she going to other groups and activities? I’m a primary teacher and I’ve taught a handful of children in primary one who didn’t attend nursery at all. They universally found school a very difficult transition - one girl cried daily until Christmas! I’d ensure lots of groups and activities and opportunities for socialising outside of your family if you aren’t doing nursery.

I love all of your examples! And they can all be done at home. Children playing their own gardens, find nests, research on them. Bees for example, research the life cycle of bees and paint them at home. And in this case, a child with limited speech gets even more tailored help to reach his speech milestones.
Children at home watch mom and dad at dinner time, how to eat how to behave again tailored conversation. Also has to take turns to talk , "mommy is telling daddy something, you can tell your story in a second"
Don't we always say, you can't expect a teacher to teach 30 children manners, its starts at home. I would frown if parents weren't modelling taking turns in conversations, how to sit at a table, wait their turn, finish a meal etc. Most stay at home moms play with there children and are YOU for their children at home. They do exactly what you do for the kids at nursery, for their kid at home.

And my problem with "kids have to go to nursery for xyz interactions (insert everything mentioned by you" is that its isn't true. Children get these interactions at home, at family gatherings, at soft play, with their siblings. Now if the child is an only child with no cousins and a mum that scrolled social media the whole day and popped her kid in front of a TV the whole day, sure, I'd begin advocating for that child to go to nursery around 3 or 4! But people always use the exception to justify a rule. It's like people saying breastmilk is best for your baby, you should try and breastfeed. "oh that's not true, there are moms who can't breastfeed or are on medication!" Well yeah if she cannot breastfeed or has supply issues, it's a no brainer.
But the average child from the average family does not NEED preschool. It is not a prerequisite to school and it's a myth that NURSERY is what provides your child with the social interaction they need. Nursery can do that, but so can the home. And in some instances the home can be more beneficial, behaviour can be corrected and redirected immediately instead of two teachers having 20 or 30 children to reprimand. Activities can be tailored to meet interests, and skill levels to make sure kids get the building blocks of what is necessary for academic performance later on. Just as an example in our home, we do not have a television, which means zero screen time. At 4 I started sending my child to pre-school for two mornings a week. Guess what a half an hour of the day was- watching a show. Other days they spent no time outside as it was too cold to take 20 kids out who will be wet and possibly cold when they return. I,, on the other hand can take my kids outside daily because i can run a bath, dress them well and we can continue our day. I can certainly tell you were more stimulation happened. It wasn't at nursery.
Equally there are instances in which I think children are better of at pre-school or nursery because of their home situation.
But what I dislike and am advocating against is the blanco statement -kids need nursery- usually followed by- for social interaction.

Your argument is exactly what people always get.

I wouldnt worry about it. Had to put both of mine in nursery and wish I hadnt. My son has herpes cold sores for the rest of his life now becuase of nursery, besides the fact I could have bought a second home for the fees. Just find some weekend or evening sports or activities if you want to do socialising. Avoid nursery where possible.

What is this based on?! Is there research that backs this up? The research I’ve seen on nurseries wouldn’t have me worried about NOT sending a child….

What is this based on?! Is there research that backs this up? The research I’ve seen on nurseries wouldn’t have me worried about NOT sending a child….

What is this based on?! Is there research that backs this up? The research I’ve seen on nurseries wouldn’t have me worried about NOT sending a child….

I wouldn't worry too much about it if you don't send her.

She might be a bit clingy at the door on the first day of reception, she might not get the concept of being quiet whilst the teacher talks but she will be fine after a few days. Kids are resilient and intelligent beings and pick things up quickly.

Besides, it's a relatively new concept. I never went to nursery (born in 84) as it just wasn't the norm then, at that age children gain far more from being with their closest family.

CN we got back to your first post re yours and dh work. Can you not arrange a routine where one of you is in the office and the other is wfh does drop off and pick up, then rotate?

That's what most people I know are doing these days with hybrid working, and you mention you are both part time?

@Nilin

I work in Early Years, and I’ve seen a big shift in the last few years - particularly since Covid. Nurseries are very busy, to the point of chaotic. There is a movement away from structure and a focus on scaffolding, and many adults are unsure what to do as any intervention is seen as wrong. I’ve seen lots of broken resources, staff who are burnt out and poor behaviour.
Also depends on your child. I’d say my DD found nursery very overwhelming (I drastically reduced her hours and she improved massively. DS could cope with noise and busy-ness, and needed the social skills.
There might be some nurseries near you that offer morning or afternoon sessions. Afternoon sessions are often much less busy/easier to find a space. I think a lot of parents assume AM for nursery, but having worked in a nursery where children attended PM sessions only, they were a much calmer, happier group.

It doesn’t sound like your child went to a good quality pre-school then if they had half an hour screen time and limited outdoor access. I think that’s coloured your view.

Do I think my children received better quality interactions with adults at nursery than with me - no! But I’m an engaged parent and not everybody is. What my children did receive is not being the centre of the world and having to learn to get on and gain that independence that comes when they start school.

I meet many parents like you who provide wonderful experiences at home but even those children have things to learn and usually it’s being less focused on the adults and interacting more with their peers, exploring different experiences together, talking to each other, developing friendships together that only comes from adults backing off and leaving children to it.

Of course Nursery isn’t essential, although for some children it really is. But a good quality nursery experience can enhance what happens at home and gently prepares children for Reception.

I’m an experienced teacher, devoted (if I do say so myself mother) but I recognise for my children to have the most well rounded experiences then they needed more than me taking them to play centres, libraries etc.

I’m also not making the blanket statement that all children NEED nursery but (if it’s of good quality) it is beneficial for the vast majority of children.

This! The best Mum in the world can’t provide same age conflict resolution skills, realising they aren’t the only person in the world who matters, talking on an age appropriate level with peers, etc.

People saying it doesn’t matter because they’ll just be a bit clingy first day of P1/reception, I can assure you I have had children cry for literally months! Lots of children with little prior social experience find school a very traumatic place. And while many children come from homes where they have had lovely experiences, the experiences they’ve had with adults don’t always translate into being able to share/conflict resolve/communicate with similar aged peers.

You’ve put it much better than me! It’s a shock to realise that walking into a classroom of 29 other children who aren’t going to hang on your every word and follow your interests. I’ve taught many children who’ve come into school academically streets ahead due to the rich learning environment at home but that doesn’t mean socially it’ll be the same story.

100%! I’ve taught children who didn’t go to nursery who have come in exceptionally ahead of the game academically and with an amazing vocabulary from mainly talking to adults, but then they can’t learn for months because the shock of discovering it’s not all about them is emotionally overwhelming!

My DSD who has a parent and step parent in both houses (50/50 care) was everyone’s only child until she was 8 and a half! Four adults whose lives were all about her! Luckily she went to nursery from 3! Much like most pre-schoolers, she found things like sharing, cooperating, losing (😂), extremely challenging! Nursery helped that more than any of us ever could have.

Sorry, should have clarified, this was a choice and only for a few hours each week, term time only. If they hadn't been happy or hadn't found a suitable setting, wouldn't have bothered! Also played with other children in home settings etc....

Did you put your names down in all 8 waitlists in the ones close to you? Many people do that and obviously can only go to one so waitlists are often a bit shorter than initially said. Once on the list, calling up every 3-4 months also helps.

Neither of mine attended any formal childcare before actually starting school and both mine went in school with ease. No tears, both absolutely loved it.

I would say it’s totally an individual thing as my mates kid who attended nursery and preschool in the same class as my girl was the one who would cry and hold onto railings being dropped off at school. It’s not a given that nursery or preschool sets them up for formal education. In fact loads of kids holding onto the parents at drop off attended the preschool attached to the school, where as mine didn’t and went into school happy and secure.

I would say our family was probably like yours, lots of days out and interaction, teaching about play on parks, taking turns during craft days in museums, meeting friends kids and having play dates etc.

I think having a good attachment with your kid, them feeling positive about school and prepared is totally doable without formal settings before starting school. I don’t regret our choice one bit.

Both kids, one now in year 3 and one in year 10 adore school, never had a problem, have lots of friends and slotted into formal classroom education easily.

I wouldn’t listen to anyone that says it’s detrimental. Xx

Yes this is exactly it for me as a parent - I can interact with my DC and teach them things, obviously. But I can't be 29 other four year olds for them. It really is fascinating to take a step back and watch children this age interacting with each other, they do play differently together with each other than with adults, and they are often better at conflict resolution than we give them credit for.

Check out your local library. They often have weekly groups. You’ll have to be there as it’s not child minding. But you can be near her and not RIGHT THERE. Give her some socialization.

otherwise it is what it is, work on basic school skills so she’s ahead in that aspect while she figures out the social stuff.

Childcare crisis is crazy. Where I live it’s cheaper to get a live in nanny than send 2 kids to anywhere.

Think about it OP - most of us will have not done nursery before we went to school age 5
I’m 48 and literally went straight to school aged 5, with no nursery, similarly my own children who are 28 and 30 didn’t go to any nursery prior to school, my younger children who are 10&11 are home- educated never did nursery.
If you have the option as to whether to carry on with your current arrangement I would - they're only little once and spending time with you and your hubby and grandparents is still “socialising” although I’m not sure what the obsession is with socialising when they’re so small - they mostly play alongside one another at that age anyway!

It is not compulsory to send your child to nursery. However it sounds like you may need to think about attending a few local groups so your child can socialise with other children before they go to school. It might be worth waiting until after September to enquire again as this is when the next lot of funding is due to start and the nurseries may have more spaces then. It might be worth giving a few childminders a call again as well then and asking about spaces and the ages of the children they care for. I am a childminder and often have a number of children of the same age. I currently have four children who are 3/4 and they are the best of friends as well as being very social.

I think your wrong most people under 40 will have attended school nursery before starting school. I remember my primary opening a nursery class around 83.

Prior to the school nurseries/preschools of the 80s was Playschools which operated during the 70s but might have been earlier.

Hi, I'm an early years practitioner. We have children in our setting from 3 to 5yrs old although the majority of them choose to move up to school in the September after their 4th birthday. We focus on promoting confidence, independence, excellent conversational skills, a sound knowledge of number and early literacy skills. These skills and subjects are taught through a strong, play based curriculum. The children benefit massively from attending, forming friendships, learning how to interact within a group and gaining a myriad of skills. You can easily teach your child educational practices at home but I would strongly recommend a nursery or similar setting for becoming familiar with the type of skills they will need to flourish in full time education. Good luck and I hope you manage to find a solution that suits you.

This I am 48 and went to playschool aged 2. My DCs are 17 & 20 and the beneficiaries of Nu Labour's free hours from age 3. I think you need to go back another generation for the majority being just at home, which really puts us in another world of children "playing out" without cars, very little TV and likely toddlers being supervised by older siblings.

I don't think kids fundamentally need to be in childcare to be ready for school, it's more that reception teachers are not as used to children who haven't. If all 4 year olds were completely new to group settings then they would be.

I also suspect that staying home with mum did work better in the time when kids played out and mums were popping into each others houses all the time.