To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

You definitely don't need to send her to nursery but I do think you should take her to a playgroup or a paid toddler group.

She's at an age now where it's good for her to play with other kids and learn about turn taking and kind hands. What do you do on your days off with her?

My daughter is 3 and started preschool in January, she only goes a couple of mornings, but it's been really wonderful for her

Firstly play is innate in all children (all mammals actually, think of lion and fox cubs, how they play). So children do not need to be taught how to play, it is an innate drive.

Also, onlooker play/spectator play is literally just kids watching other people do activities. So a child will stare at the other kids in the park, they won't play, they'll just look. And a kid can watch mommy cook or put on make-up and later put make-up on her dolls. Or any other form of imaginative play. It's not that kids necessarily needs other kids to be able to reach this play milestones. It is just explaining they type of play they engage in. So parallel play is named because two kids will sit beside each other and play without playing with each other. They don't need the other kid to play. If they were alone they would also play with their trucks for example. But if you put 5 three year olds in a room they will play in the same fashion, just beside each other.

But also, like someone else mentioned this kid isn't in a basement on his own. He has got parents to watch, presumably goes to the park, soft play etc. (although even a kid in a basement will play, because its not taught. After a while it would become weird, think 6 or 7, compared to other kids, if he's got no -one to model, no parents or siblings, but they'd still play)

Sorry I hadn't seen your update

It really doesn't sound to me like she needs to go to preschool/nursery

Have you seen ever read Sarah Ockwell Smith's book called Starting School? She talks a lot about the ways in which you can prepare your child for school and she is an advocate that children do not need to go to preschool/nursery before school (not that she's against it but that it's a misconception that it's a necessity)

I honestly wouldn't give it a second thought, if it was being with parents/grandparents or full time nursery she's better off with you IMO

I think this is a bit of a self fufilling prophecy, since 2003 ? All 3 & 4 year olds have had acsess to some free pre-school, therefore the playgroups/ church groups etc tend to be for 1 &2 year olds. If you want your 3 year old to meet other 3 year olds it will usually be either an organised playdate or at nursery. Out of interest OP is this why your Dd doesn't mix with children her age ?

If you keep her at home you could look at seeing what home ed groups are local to you, as they usually have lots of children of all ages.
Or set up a group of your own for preschoolers to meet up? It's easy to do on Facebook.
Socialising doesn't have to be with people born in a particular year, she will benefit from your days out and being with grandparents just as much.

Do you think nursery would have solved this problem? Seems a bit of a stretch to me.

@Ohhbaby you're initial comment is great, wish I could print and frame it.

I think nursery is great, a good, solid childcare option for parents who are working. But the meme that it's more beneficial than being at home with a loving and engaged caregiver is weird.

Yes, are you unaware that children can socialise with children of OTHER ages to themselves. Dear goodness!! This obsession with children being in a large group of others the same age in order to "socialise them", is just ridiculous.

She is only 2 and a quarter now. She likes to run around a lot, and wouldn't follow instructions at all at football group. She would just tell me no and start playing imaginary games with with cones being people rather than doing the activity. She's very strong willed.

This is why a set class or nursery would be good for her. (Even at 2.5/3) If she's as intelligent as you make out, she should be learning to follow instructions. She's being disobedient, and by asking her to do things and allowing her to say 'no' and do her own thing, you're not challenging her behaviour. Strong willed, active and lively is not cute and adorable for a pre-school or Reception teacher.

Our childminder took about 15 kids all different ages. They were set up like a little nursery. You could try some. I’m sure there are others doing this.

if nothing else is possible, there must be other mums in the same position, could you form a group for outings / socialising / play dates? Sick a post on local Facebook group?

I’d then also just focus on reading. You to them. They just need to hear you reading and follow the stories. Taking time to focus and listen. You can get the first set of biff chip and kipper books and just keep doing the same ones, focused on games and the alphabet.

I wouldn’t worry too much. It’s out of your control. Some kids will go to all the nursery days and still find it traumatic. Others will be fine. You can only do what you can do.

Mine didn't go to nursery before school, our childcare was provided by grandparents. There were no detrimental effects from this for either of them and they are 12 and 9 now, lots of friends, do well at school and no issues anywhere. Add to that the gorgeous relationship and bond they have with their grandparents.
At the end of the day life is already a juggling act, why add another element before you need to?

I actually did my dissertation on wether children that didn’t go to Nursery ( before school , not including the nursery at the school ) were at a disadvantage when they started school and the general consensus from speaking to parents , teachers etc was that they were not. Obviously, this is not official research !

Im a teacher - in reception it’s very similar to nursery , just with a bit more formality in terms of routine and sitting at tables to do work etc but they are mainly continuous provision and a lot of schools continue with continuous provision in y1 for at least a part of the year , to help that transition.

Both of mine went to nursery from an early age , due to work and both of them still cried once they started school when going in etc .

I would say that if you are taking her to playgroups etc then it should be fine . It’s not compulsory.

Does the primary she will attend have a nursery attached ? Rather than a private nursery , that she could go to mornings or afternoons ?

One of my children did pre- school at a church hall 3 days aweek 9 to 1230 and then mornings at nursery school in the tear before school. My second on just did 2 years 3 days aweek at pre-school. They both settled into school the same. Even though the nursery was at the school not all the children went.
Time spent with parents is amazing. Not all groups suit all children maybe she doesn't like football or is a bit young. I would find a group that you enjoy so you can go most weeks so she gets to make friends. Try and meet up with some other parents in the park at other times. As she get older attend events like fairs at the school you hope to send get to so she gets used to the space

Definitely go to to playgroups. We used to go to about three a week and you and your child will make friends. My three children only went to the nursery at their primary school the year before reception and they turned out just fine.

She will be fine. You’re doing great and in an enviable position tbh. Enjoy ☺️

I didn’t go to nursery or playgroup but I was the youngest in a large family and had a lot of child siblings and cousins to learn to get along with.

My own children developed proper friendships at pre-school from the age of 3. And their lovely, tiny preschool is one of their most precious childhood memories.

But if you can’t find a decent place then you can’t find one!

Children needing to 'learn to socialise' at this age is a fallacy perpetrated by parents who are trying to rationalise sending their young children to nursery whilst they work - it isn't necessary, they learn more from a parent than they do from a fellow two year old. It isn't necessary and swathes of research confirms this.

So you don't want nursery so grandparents have to do it?

My eldest went to nursery as a baby but when I gave up work not long after she stayed home until she started reception. My middle went to nursery. My youngest didn't as COVID hit at the time he was due to go

No difference in how well they adapted to school, all went in no problems and no crying. They all had plenty of socialisation with going to groups and spending time with family. Ironically the two that didn't go to nursery have higher grades then the one that did. Nursery id overrated and it's importance is inflated.

My Dd hated private nurseries wheh I had to return to work . I worked around her not having to go and eventually found a lovely childminder which she enjoyed . Then age 3 she started nursery and enjoyed that too.

I think nursery is great for the kids .if you can putextra time into other stuff though then maybe you don’t need to send her to nursery .

There are home Ed groups you can attend for days out and meet ups
Maybe you can look for groups similar .

I don’t think nurseries necessarily help with development, nothing you couldn’t do at home anyway. Yeah, take her to play groups and carry on if it works better for your family.

Yep, exactly this!!! My nursery said that schools like children to arrive at school being independent and that nursery should focus on the personal and social skills just as you say. Which I've found my nursery are great at! They do follow a phonics scheme too and my boy can do some basic writing and spelling, but the focus is absolutely independence. Especially as I have often heard that phonics are pronounced incorrectly a lot of the time and schools have to re-teach it anyway!!!

And P.S. My boy has been going full time to nursery for 2.5 years and he still is clingy and sometimes cries at drop off! He struggles with transitions and gets upset moving to new rooms, despite being there so much, so it doesn't necessarily follow that if they're at nursery they will be set up for the school transition. So much depends on the child, and my boy is a sensitive and shy soul at heart. Don't get me wrong, he absolutely loves it when he's there, but it's still hard for him. Luckily he is October so I have a bit of extra time to prepare for school and the last year of nursery is all about preparing them for big school.

My child went to nursery from age 2
she loved it
Didn't love preschool never settled in that room (too chaotic not structured enough - hindsight should have sent her a school preschool but hey ho)
loves school tho yay !
has some autistic / adhd tendencies (diagnosis pending due to young age)
so this isn't some sort of evangelical thing against nursery but if you don't need the childcare don't feel your child is missing out by not going - 🤷‍♀️
we aren't designed to learn social interaction from being in a group of people the exact same age we are meant to be in a family unit

I would do some structured things with her like play group etc but don't feel obligated to do nursery - there is a reason other countries start schooling at 6-7

By 3 it’s good for them to socialise with other kids, and most kids enjoy it.

Try and make that happen somehow