To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

We didn't with dd1 she went to school at 4 nearly 5 . No problems all at . And we got to skip all the bugs they catch in nursery . We did do a lot of games at home aimed to help with education. And read a lot . Different circumstances with dd2 so she went to nursery . But also all fine when she went to school . Weirdly she was the one who was very shy at school and struggled with joining in

I do think having the social exposure, the ability to learn to communicate with peers, share toys, help others, tidy up, learn to defend themselves appropriately, engage in communal mealtimes and develop some self sufficiency, is important.

Kids can ‘develop’ perfectly well without a setting with other children, but I do think a child that hasn’t had any real exposure to children their own or similar age, would benefit from it.

Do what works for you. My kids are in primary school. You can't tell which of their classmates went to nursery and which didn't.

YANBU if you don't need to use nursery and can't find a suitable one.

But I would 100% agree with PP who have said it's important to find an alternative way for her to socialise with other children if she won't be going to nursery/preschool before starting Primary School.

Can you find local church hall/village hall toddler/pre-schooler groups to attend reguarly? Or some primary schools run these types of groups too (we used to go to an excellent one at our local primary before it was shut down by Covid!). They don't need to be structured activities, the ones we used to go were free play, so the children can choose how to play with various toys/activities laid out. Also Rhyme Time at the library might be a good shout?

Ask around on your local FB pages (often areas have ones specially set up for parents to exchange information) and you might be surprised what turns up!

My son went to a childminder, who was great, but when he moved to preschool age three he definitely struggled with the transition to a bigger setting. But preschool did help him immensely and he's very confident now, and started Primary School with zero issues. Although it probably depends on the child and I'm sure some can go to primary school with limited prior socialisation without issues, but for other children that would be a struggle. I don't think you'd necessarily know how it would pan out beforehand, so personally I'd rather make sure to provide my child with that opportunity one way or another.

Is there by any chance a forest school? My grandchildren loved it.

After our first two we stopped nursery, it was just a nightmare to add into the routines of the family.
Id actually say the next 3 were more outgoing, confident and chatty. Small sample, but certainly no negative impact on development in anyway.

I would be very careful with the one who has spaces when every other one is full. That's a massive red flag. Read their inspection report before you even view it. Over 25 years experience in nurseries speaking here good luck

I imagine being one of five kids would have been beneficial to them in that sense.

@Nilin I wouldn’t send her to nursery if you don’t need to, but I would take her back to classes that have kids the same age. All two year olds stop engaging for a bit. Our football class always has the younger ones playing silly games, rather than engaging, and then they suddenly start actually playing. It’s good for her to be around kids her age a bit anyway; but it doesn’t have to be for hours… a couple of hours a week is fine, and that’d be hard work at a nursery.

My two year old did football, a messy play session and then we tried to do a couple of under 5 or toddler time sessions at different places like soft plays each week to maximise chances of there being similar aged kids there. He loved it. The rest of the time we did farms and coffee shops and gardening and that type of thing. He thrived. He is still thriving. Nursery really suits some kids, but it’s not necessary. It is a really emotional decision, though. People who have to send their kids will want to defend it, people who don’t will say it’s not necessary. I’m somewhere in the middle - he currently goes two days a week as I’m on a project but it’s usually only for a couple of months at a time - and I do feel guilty he goes. He doesn’t mind it, his friends are there, he has fun; but he learns just as much with me and if I could save the £92 a day, I would!

And this. If everywhere else has a waiting list and here doesn’t; there’s probably a reason.

They are crazy in our part of the country too, our current nursery next has space in Sept 26, the next nearer is booking May 27!

Do not feel pressured to put your child into nursery or equivalent!! Sounds like she is doing lots of wonderful things with you anyway, which will benefit her long term.
My eldest went to a kindergarten at 3, which was ok (better when she moved groups) but moved to local primary at 5 (couldn't read or write) but was absolutely fine and is doing really well. My youngest went to preschool 2 mornings a day week at 3.5 and up to 3 mornings at 4. He is absolutely flying. I loved the time I had with both of them at home!!

Socialising with adults is nothing like socialising with your peers when you're a toddler!

Mine went to nursery from around 1 years and I'm a big fan - they're both super confident and play really nicely with other kids. Having said that, my friend's son never went and seemed very isolated to me in comparison but settled fabulously at school, is a lovely little boy and is just as sociable as mine. I think it's mainly personalities tbh.

So they were mixing with other children (without parents) before they started school?

Exactly. I think both of mine got so much out of learning to wait their turn for a toy, how to react when someone snatches from you and what happens when you snatch from others

There was a really eloquent post upthread about the stages of play, but I felt mine got a lot out of going through those stages with other children rather than just us and a single sibling.

I'm in a primary school. Having seen what the covid isolation years did to the cohorts who missed out on nursery/preschool/proper peer socialisation, and the cohorts who were sent home in their Foundation/KS1 years and who were lucky if they got some 'bubble' time at school here and there in 2020/2021, I would STRONGLY suggest you keep trying to find her a place. We are still facing issues from all of those year groups that point to missing out on that time.

I was a Reception teacher for 20 years, until recently. I'm surprised that schools are advising school readiness means being able to write their name & recognise letters & numbers - it does not.

School readiness is being able to use the toilet independently, take coats on & off (preferably fastening them), use cutlery, hold a pencil - best to use the correct pincer grasp as its hard to unlearn the incorrect grasp. Some counting & recognising of colours, shapes & their name is great. But letters are best learned at school - so many children came to us knowing the alphabet but they knew letters names only, they really need to know letter sounds to blend & segment. ( eg c a t makes cat, see ai tee does not.)

I didn't often have children who had never been to any pre school setting, but when I did those children were often the ones who found it harder to socialise, sit on the carpet with the rest of the class, share equipment - & part from their parents. They may have been more advanced academically, but that's not all they need for school readiness.

I would recommend going to nursery. I know you said the one with the space is logistically difficult but could the grandparents who care now do the drop off for you? Or if it's just for 2 days, could it be worth the hassle? I think part time nursery is great as your little one will benefit from being with the other children & being without parents/grandparents, but will also get the days with you.

I was a Reception teacher for 20 years, until recently. I'm surprised that schools are advising school readiness means being able to write their name & recognise letters & numbers - it does not.

School readiness is being able to use the toilet independently, take coats on & off (preferably fastening them), use cutlery, hold a pencil - best to use the correct pincer grasp as its hard to unlearn the incorrect grasp. Some counting & recognising of colours, shapes & their name is great. But letters are best learned at school - so many children came to us knowing the alphabet but they knew letters names only, they really need to know letter sounds to blend & segment. ( eg c a t makes cat, see ai tee does not.)

I didn't often have children who had never been to any pre school setting, but when I did those children were often the ones who found it harder to socialise, sit on the carpet with the rest of the class, share equipment - & part from their parents. They may have been more advanced academically, but that's not all they need for school readiness.

I would recommend going to nursery. I know you said the one with the space is logistically difficult but could the grandparents who care now do the drop off for you? Or if it's just for 2 days, could it be worth the hassle? I think part time nursery is great as your little one will benefit from being with the other children & being without parents/grandparents, but will also get the days with you.

I was a Reception teacher for 20 years, until recently. I'm surprised that schools are advising school readiness means being able to write their name & recognise letters & numbers - it does not.

School readiness is being able to use the toilet independently, take coats on & off (preferably fastening them), use cutlery, hold a pencil - best to use the correct pincer grasp as its hard to unlearn the incorrect grasp. Some counting & recognising of colours, shapes & their name is great. But letters are best learned at school - so many children came to us knowing the alphabet but they knew letters names only, they really need to know letter sounds to blend & segment. ( eg c a t makes cat, see ai tee does not.)

I didn't often have children who had never been to any pre school setting, but when I did those children were often the ones who found it harder to socialise, sit on the carpet with the rest of the class, share equipment - & part from their parents. They may have been more advanced academically, but that's not all they need for school readiness.

I would recommend going to nursery. I know you said the one with the space is logistically difficult but could the grandparents who care now do the drop off for you? Or if it's just for 2 days, could it be worth the hassle? I think part time nursery is great as your little one will benefit from being with the other children & being without parents/grandparents, but will also get the days with you.

Do what works for you. Mine goes and is finally very happy. But I never went till I was 6 years old! Its normal in many countries to start later.

Have you tried childminders? They have to follow the eyfs abd have the same qualifications as nurseries, or get her in for the last year before school; you dont have to put her in nursery but its a big shock going to straight to school if not been in that sort of environment before

My husband was a SAHD for our DD until she started school at 5 (September birthday). He really struggled with baby and toddler groups because he felt out of place (he did try but he isn’t very outgoing) so when she was 3 we used the free hours just to give her some socialisation. TBH we probably wouldn’t if she could have accessed groups. She didn’t learn anything there that he didn’t teach her at home (numbers etc, and she was a whizz at those wooden jigsaws!). School was fine when she started.
So as long as there is some mixing with other children (and not just friend’s children because there is a different dynamic there, other children as well), I would say do what is right for your family.

School readiness .... independence skills...dressing, toileting asking someone for assistance....not you. Independent play
Attention skills....library story times
Social skills....turn taking, sharing, dispute resolution, empathy
Go to toddler groups, creative play sessions, children's centre sessions. Music times ....soft play doesn't cut it other than physical
Put your child into school nursery 5 mornings or afternoons a week from September
Use a childminder they often either have groups of children or network ....our story and play sessions have between 10 and 25 children 3 times a week.

She will just have a massive headache when the child starts school instead.

Few 2 year olds would follow rules in a football session she needs close to a nursery atmosphere....lots of various play and messy play opportunities
Our toddler sessions have free play areas including sand type activity, painting or mark making, sticking. Role play area, bikes climbing soft play....then we sit for drinks and snack more play before a sat story singing session and ending with balls, hoops and physical movement games. It's a 3 hour session for £1.50
Have a look at toddler groups near you.....the activities you described are either too controlled or not interacting with others or distance from you.