To not send my child to nursery at all?

[Nilin]

Our childcare is currently covered by DH and I both working part time, plus grandparents.
We had intended to send our DC to nursery in January 2025, at age 3, for 2-3 days a week.
We have been trying since January to find her a nursery place thinking a year's notice would be enough- we were very wrong!
A lot of nurseries reported no places until 2026, only taking full-time, etc etc.
There are about 8 nurseries within a 30 minute walking distance and they are all a no, so had to widen search to one we could drive to.
We have had just one offer us a viewing- it's hard though as obviously I feel obliged to take it as we don't have another choice! It's going to be really awkward though when we work from home and commute by public transport when we do go in, to then get her in the car to get to nursery to then drive home and then head into work.
I did want DC to be able to socialise and make friends, but I'm now wondering if there would be any harm in just continuing our current arrangement until she goes to school? We go on lots of days out but we don't really meet up with children the same age. I could make more of an effort to attend a local playgroup regularly though so she is seeing the same people. I'm just keen to do right by her really.

It really depends on the childminder. Mine has one other 2 year old alongside my son, and she takes them to toddler group twice a week. Plus she is part of a childminder network and they often meet up for play dates. My son is quite friendly with the kids of one of the other childminders now. She does try and develop him in line with the curriculum etc and I think it’s good to get them used to a different setting/other children even if different ages. Plus the childminder will be a lot more flexible on timings - we only do 2 days a week due to me, DH and family covering the rest.

Mine will be doing two mornings and one afternoon from September when he is two and a half. I think it will be good for him even though we go to plenty of groups.

My kids didn’t go to nursery. I had a live-in nanny. They socialised with other kids in playgrounds etc. They thrived in school, no issues with settling in etc. They are now both very sociable teens.

Nursery is just daycare. For those who need childcare. You don’t need it so don’t bother. Your kids will benefit hugely from being in the home with adults who love them. They will also benefit from having parents who aren’t stressed, running around doing pick ups and drop offs that don’t really work.

Don’t look at nursery as childcare. It is early years education. I think you could regret not sending her when she starts school.

On our area the daycare types of nursery are harder to get a place at and need you to put names down quite early on. My eldest didn’t attend nursery initially as I had family organised around my part time job. However I was made redundant and got a job for 5 afternoons so needed somewhere for the other days. I did manage to find somewhere but had to pay full time even though I only needed afternoons due to the time I needed to drop her. So some days she did end up going in full days .

When she was 3 though she attended pre school which was a private pre school but in the primary school we eventually used. I’d put her name down a good year before but I’m sure some people did put names down sooner. All the primary schools in the area offer a pre school though. It was basically 3 hours a day for your 15 free hours. Kids start the term after they turn 3. For the older kids who’s birthdays are September to Easter they tended to start in the afternoon sessions from January til summer (although if space some did get in the month they turned 3) and then changed to mornings in the following September for the full year prior to starting primary. They did also offer some spaces in the afternoon for those who wanted to pay former hours for child care but it wasn’t really a childcare pre school and the afternoon finished at 3pm.

When the kids all transitioned to primary school on the September they usually would they were joined by additional children who hadn’t attended pre school and who has either attended daycare nursery or were looked after by family. Mostly the daycare kids tonight. I think in our area even if looked after by family they would do their pre school year for their 3 hours a day and the ‘family’ member would pick up/drop off and take over the child care. So when they started school it was obvious who hadn’t attended pre school and who had been at day care as many of the daycare settings don’t follow any formal learning such as letters and numbers. Ours had done jolly phonics for basic letters and followed number work and general eyfs curriculum including social aspects and even going on trips. The main reason some kept with the daycare is that they didn’t have the family support to pick up and drop off at the pre school around the fixed times.

I used to nanny lots of kids who didn’t go to nursery, they turned out fine in school. I did make an effort to take them
to playgroups and play dates though. I don’t particularly like nurseries though, used to work in them and got turned off them by the way children were being treated so really your child may benefit from not going to nursery also. There’s pros and cons for both.

I guess it depends if they spend much time around other small children. If it wasn't for preschool then my little girl wouldn't. She goes 3 mornings a week and it is great for her to spend time with other little people. Also there are the party invites so it's a great opportunity for them to start making friends etc and learn how to behave in a group setting. If you are taking her to other groups to start getting used to this then I would say that is fine.

I can’t imagine my kids starting school without being in some form of setting with other children. I was a SAHM for the younger years (before second child started Reception), but still sent them to pre-school as the benefits of being in an environment with other children are huge. Even if you are introducing them to phonics, numbers etc at home and covering the educational side that they would start to do at this age, they are missing out on so much fun with the other children. Our children are now Secondary and older primary and I love that they have been with some of their friends since the age of 2. They did so many activities at pre-school, trips, xmas shows, sports day - I would be really sad to think they had missed out on that. I haven’t read all the replies but someone mentioned you will avoid all the nusery illnesses. I can only imagine that a child never exposed to lots of germs before Reception is probably going to get hit very hard with bugs in Reception if they’ve never been in that environment before.

At least when I got to primary school facing 50+ other children, they wouldn’t have been such a strange concept

I think you have said it right there. All our kids are the centre of our worlds (mine certainly are), but it is so important they learn they are not the centre of attention for the teacher. They are one of 30 and I think pre-school/nursery teaches them the skills to be in an environment with lots of other children. Sharing, communicating with other children, learning to sit quietly at times, dealing with other children’s behaviour towards them and how to react back in the right way, doing activities together with other children, forming friendships - these are vital skills that they learn in a childcare setting.

We did loads of nice things at home and met up with friends a lot, so I wasn't concerned about the social or general mental development aspect.

The benefits that we saw:

• he got used to having to fit in with what other people wanted or needed him to do and having to go along with what the group was doing. Very different to at home where aside from things that needed to happen, he could do what he chose. (example- at home he wants to play with a toy so he can until it's time for lunch or until he's finished. At nursery other children might want to play with it, other children might be doing something he'd rather be doing, it might be time for them all to sit down together for story or transition to another room).
• More staff to help when he found things difficult while settling. He struggled starting nursery and I can't imagine what it would have been like if we'd waited until school. I was able to hang around and help him settle gently, I wasn't even allowed into the classroom once school started and there were 30 other kids so no chance of me hanging about or a member of staff taking him on walks around the building to help him get used to it.
• He was used to being away from family for 2 days a week. The change to 5 days a week school was a smaller step from that.

but, by school he would obviously have been older (he started nursery at 2) so perhaps he would have handled the change better. I feel like it was good preparation for him. It also made me aware of how he might handle the change so we prepared a lot better for starting school.

I didn’t go to nursery and never had contact with other children

My early years were spent on market stalls and there was definitely no play

I know at least 2 children who are my dc’s ages who didn’t do soft play or had any contact with other dc. Both parents worked and dc were looked after by gp’s who didn’t take them to the park or anywhere beyond the local shop

Both children ended up being moved down a year at school

Whilst it might not be the norm it does happen. It only takes turning up at a couple of playgroups and being ostracised and that person doesn’t return and the child if they are the eldest with no other children in the family they end up being on there own

Me too. The huge advantage is continuity and familiarity, and most school nurseries that I know have generous outdoor play areas which I think is hugely important. There is a nursery around the corner from us and they barely have enough outdoor space for a single sand tray and a single kiddie car.

I think there are a lot of people saying nursery is unnecessary. Their children didn’t go and it didn’t do them any harm

But then say they did loads of stuff like meeting up with others with similar aged children or soft play or play groups. Which is just as good as nursery but doesn’t take account of the children who don’t do these things.

My DS didn't go to any nursery before starting school and was absolutely fine. He did however go to a childminder three days a week.

I alway knew I would take my child to nursery and preschool. I was with my mum until I was 4, my brother was 3 years younger, so not yet much to play with. I spoke like an old woman and was much happier around adults than around other 4 year olds who I found a bit weird. It is the social aspect that is more important...
I have spoken to adults who knew me as a kid who said what great company I was as I chatted away with them while the other kids were playing. No, I did not want this for my daughter.

Oh, don’t let her miss out or nursery or pre school. My two absolutely loved it. They are late teens now but still have some great friends from nursery and talk about fondly. It also made the transition to school so easy. They were already well socialised, had friends going at the same time, and were comfortable with the whole routine of getting up and out in the morning. It really does make a difference.

Childminders have to follow the EYFS framework just like nurseries and preschools.

My DD went to a CM part-time and a nursery part-time.

At the CM she got more personal attention. She would play with one to two children her own age plus interact and play with children both older, including school age, and younger than her. The CM went out of her way to ensure all her mindees had children they regularly interacted and played with around their own age. So the CM would meet up with CM who had the same age mindees.

At nursery DD only played with children 2-4 years old and was in a larger group.

DD's school follows the CM philosophy, so they have to interact and end up playing with children who are different ages across the school.

Hello, I’m an experienced Nursery / Year R teacher and a mum so just wanted to share my thoughts.
I don’t think going at 3 is necessarily essential depending on your child’s birth date (autumn/spring/summer), but going to a nursery or pre-school for a year before school will have an enormous impact on your child’s ability to transition successfully to school. I have taught many children who never attended nursery and it can take them an entire term or two just to feel settled and able to access the whole curriculum successfully because they haven’t experienced a similar setting with so many people around before, and school can feel exhausting and overwhelming for them. Children who have only ever been with a child-minder often struggle with the transition to school too as they’ve had less socialisation with a variety of children and being part of a larger group regularly.

When children start school, there are of course lots of opportunities for learning through play - however this will be surrounded by 29 (and often more in the outside area) other children and require sharing, compromise and teamwork from the get go. All of these things are learnt at nursery - nurseries focus on the prime areas of learning (personal, social and emotional devlopment, physical development, communication and language) and these skills are of course taught at home and play groups, but expecting your child to be able to head into school with 29 other children and adapt straight away with no nursery experience would be difficult and often distressing for them.

On top of starting school, which is already a huge transition for any child, they are also immediately starting phonics, maths and topic lessons, which whilst all age appropriate and fun will still feel quite intense at the start and require a child to be able to follow a new, formal routine, focus and join in with 29 other children. Again, all the group singing, counting, general chit-chats that nursery do as whole classes are there to prepare children for school life.

School is like a huge community and expecting a child to join a community of hundreds of children is hard - being in a community of 25-30 children as a first experience makes that a lot easier! But, of course you know your child best. No teacher is going to judge your decision to not send your child to nursery and your child may start school and do amazing without nursery, but the evidence is there on the benefits of nursery so it’s worth bearing in mind. Going to nursery full time is not necessary (my daughter starts school in September and goes 2.5 days a week). She is very bright and we do so much at home/go out a lot, but nursery gives her socialisation and experiences that I physically cannot give her and experiencing a part of life where I’m not there is SO good for her and she is very ready for school. Nursery has helped her to thrive and a good one is worth its weight in gold to a child 😊
Even 1-2 days a week will be beneficial - Friday are often the quieter days at nurseries, so if you can offer a Friday they are more likely to accept part-time (this is how my daughter started at a sought after nursery as we only needed Fridays).

I’m sure whatever decision you make will work out, good luck 😊

Before covid, we had a Reception child who was heads and tails above their classmates: spoke several languages, great reader, already a good grasp of maths, etc. Obviously, quite bright and hot-housed at home before starting school.

The child was an absolute nightmare in a classroom: wouldn't play nicely with others, wasn't kind, didn't share well, made a lot of bad choices when it came to behaviour, enjoyed upsetting others. Not ready for a school setting at all.

Forced socialisation without a parent present is a necessary evil for many families (due to both parents needing to work) but it is not necessary. For many children it is the cause of much anxiety and distress. It works for some , and does not for others . Only you know your child. Unless you plan to lock your child in a cupboard all day they will socialise naturally with other children at playgrounds, play dates and play groups . Many millions of children around the world go on to become functioning and happy adults without having attended nursery.

I have to add that a child “not being school ready” is usually a nightmare for the teachers but is perfectly normal for a very young child who may have spent their time outdoors in nature and now (at a much younger age than more developed countries like Sweden etc ) have to learn to conform to rules. Most children will learn to conform in time but it doesn’t mean they should have gone to nursery . It just means they spent their time differently in their formative years , and that’s okay too !

I think I would start going to a church or community playgroup regularly so she can interact with children the same age but otherwise keep doing what you’re doing!

Sorry but I disagree with this. I’m an early years teacher in a primary school. Yes some of my day looks like you described but you failed to recognise that everything is a learning point it’s not just me firefighting all day. On the last week we discovered a nest in the garden so we researched nests, made our own, children with limited speech were trying to take part in conversations.
Snack and lunch time we sit with the children and model how to actually sit at a table, talk over a meal, wait for others to finish etc.

Some children play by themselves at nursery age but many are starting to play with others and engage with others.

Children like the OPs who have rich learning going on at home get to mix with children and, maybe for the first time, realise they aren’t always number one and have to wait, take turns in conversation etc.

Some children are in front of screens at home and barely go out so nursery is the one opportunity they get of interacting without the background noise of a screen. Being with adults who talk nicely to each other, watching how positive relationships can work.

The way that children used to learn from each other refers to a different time. Many of the parents I work with work, don’t have lots of interactions with other families, life is busy. Nursery provides those interactions that parents don’t have time for and young children need. You can’t expect children to mix full time with other children and get it straightaway, it takes time.

I think the difficulty with this type of question is that it can be so emotive (perhaps without people even realising in their responses) and also, with every child, there is only the chance to have done one thing so no one can say ‘well I sent my child to nursery form age 3 and I know it benefited them because I then went back in time and didn’t send them and starting school was worse’.
You know your child and your circumstances. Maybe, if you send your child to nursery, they will be slightly more prepared for school. However, maybe your family dynamics might be more stressful due to enforced pick ups and drop offs that would not be needed without nursery. Maybe you will miss out on some family days out you could have had with the money from nursery fees. Maybe your child will meet their best friend age 3 at nursery.
Ultimately; it’s up to you. Your child will at some point learn to read and write and will make friends. They might find school a bit harder to start with if they didn’t go to nursery. They might love nursery and hate leaving and starting school!
Don’t tie yourself in knots or overthink things. There isn’t a right or wrong answer. Just what is right for you and your whole family, right now.