To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

I think the past relationship you described with her is key here - even though the incident you describe is worrying in itself. She's essentially not respecting that you are the child's mother and not her.
It's up to your son to decide what kind of relationship he wants with his parents as an independent adult man, and for you to discuss as a couple what family contact might look like, if it is wanted at all.

What thread are you reading???

This.
And about your child putting some effort into trying the food, you could practise requiring your child to taste the food first (one mouthful) at home, before she decides to have a non hungry day.
This could make it easier for her to naturally try the food when she is a guest.

If you and DH are to stay together for the long haul, you and MIL will have to build bridges, decide to communicate in advance and set acceptable boundaries, with the aid of your husband.

Hopefully the relationship will improve.

Pulling a child of a toy, putting them in your lap and holding them to try to force feed them.

Simply holding them to attempt to force feed them is a violent act.

Actually, old people can change.

I deal differently with my DGC than I did with their parents. I follow the parents' wishes

And we don't know how 'old' MiL actually is

So enough with the ageism. It's personality not age

At this point an apology wouldn't be enough to leave 3 year old unsupervised in the care of someone who actually causes bruises and thinks its ok to force children to eat.

She needs to demonstrate that she has reflected on her behaviour and provide reassurance that this would never happen again.

I think you've been pretty measured and calm and not dramatic. Although the racism analogy is off.

RTFT. At 20:03 OP says
The manhandling involved dragging my daughter off her play train and forcing her onto MIL’s lap (DD kicking and screaming). DD had a bruise around the top of her arm (noticed in the bath later) so force was applied.

Go to the top of the thread. Click where it says 'OP posts: see all'. Read the one where the OP clarifies that her DD did try the food, what the food was, and the details of the manhandling that lead to bruising.

@user1492757084

And about your child putting some effort into trying the food, you could practise requiring your child to taste the food first (one mouthful) at home, before she decides to have a non hungry day.This could make it easier for her to naturally try the food when she is a guest.

Actually OP says: ⬇️

I wasn’t very clear about this aspect. We had agreed earlier in the day that my daughter would have pasta. MIL later refused this as “not a proper meal” and cooked fish (with the head and tail still on…) and chips instead. My DD had 3/4 forkfuls before asking to stop, which I definitely thought was a reasonable effort. 🌹

I think it’s good manners to ask the person whose table it is if they can leave. This was drummed into my children from a very young age.

I would not allow your dc to go there again. Your Dh needs to understand that his dm cannot treat your dd like that, manhandling is absolutely unacceptable. Dunno how some pp are trying to justify it by making out you’re being ‘dramatic’. She left a mark on your child, that (technically and in law) is ABH, common assault for minor bruising. Given nursery completed a form, I’d say it’s not ‘dramatic’.

I emphatically agree. 'Drama', 'you sound like hard work', 'dripfeed', and 'I couldn't get worked up about that' are the standard lazy, unimaginative Mumsnet cliches used to put other women back in their box.

In no one else's language is this woman's behaviour other than unconscionable. That's with or without the later detail of the bruising. Forcing a three-year-old kid to eat against their will and manhandling them around is abusive behaviour. The child's nursery apprehends this much, even if this so-called parenting support site seemingly doesn't.

The minimising on this thread is something else. If this is the skewed attitude some on this site have toward abuse, it's no wonder so many grown women are posting threads about the lasting harm it's done to them.

Kudos to OP for protecting your child from this.

Whoosh! goes the point.

This child is three. Three. And she's been assaulted by her own grandmother. Do you not think maybe you just might be focusing on the wrong priority here?

I very much hope it’s ops mil posting on here and not so many others content to force feed, bruise and assault a three year old child. This thread is insane!

Op your dh needs to see a therapist about his own childhood, he has normalised abuse and won’t be able to parent effectively or safely unless he can recognise abusive behaviours immediately.

Your MIL should be cut out of your child’s life, she has shown you very clearly she is happy to assault your child right in front of you, goodness only knows what would happen without your presence and protection.

.

I had a difficult relationship with my late MIL, I think what I learned from her means I have good relationships with my S/DILs. What we did was tell her that if she didn't accept how we did things we would have to stop seeing her. She didn't have to agree, she could think whatever she liked but no negative comments, no criticism. We had to do it 2 or 3 times but it did work, I suppose it depends if you want to have a relationship with her. With the physical bit I don't think she gets anymore chances with that even if you do decide to try and work things out, if she touches her again that would be it for me.

Our other issue was she insisted on using a shortening of our child's name that we didn't like, so say her name was Elizabeth (it wasn't) we liked and used Beth and she kept calling her Lizzie. Nothing wrong with Lizzie but it wasn't the name we used or child recognised. Finally DH started referring to by a grandmother name she didn't like, so say she wanted to be called Nana he called her Gran. She got very annoyed and insisted she was called Nana, DH said fine and DD is called Beth. She looked like she was going to explode but she never did it again.

Just wanted to add we never left the children alone with her, she wasn't above dropping poison in their ears if she got a chance.

So- MIL point blank refused to cook pasta, cooked fishes with heads and tails on to go with chips, tried to drag three year old up to the table, you shouted and then sat in the car.

What sort of fish did she cook to go with chips that had a head and tail still on? This is all starting to sound somewhat far-fetched!

It's little wonder your daughter won't try any food MIL looks because you set out the expectation before you went that she wouldn't like it by taking pasta with you.

I’ve not missed the point at all. My children were to ask if they could leave the table. I made sure they asked the person who had taken time to make the food. Yes they were asked to do this from a very young age. It’s called manners.

However i wouldn’t force a child to eat etc.

I'm 70 so more of the generation when kids were forced to eat. My parents never did it and I never did it to mine. I always felt food should be something enjoyable not something unpleasant we are forced to have. It seems such a strange attitude, I wouldn't want to be forced to eat something I don't like so can't imagine why I'd do it to a child.

MIL well and truly crossed the line but the tone of some of your comments seem quite patronising when dealing with it and tbh I suspect escalated the situation rather than resolve it

the whole situation could of been avoided and handled better by both if you

Your actions were appropriate.

She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.”
I actually do think you need to tell her / give her direction on how you wish your DD to be supervised.
I think the 'racism' analogy was a really poor choice.

Parenting has obviously moved on since MIL was in charge of a small human.

If you want to repair your relationship, she needs to acknowledge and apologise but equally you need to accept it, move on and educate her on what is appropriate now. It sounds like you were OK before this incident, it would be a shame if you both (you & MIL) couldn't work through this.

All this about manners on leaving the table or whatnot.

Like manners where the problem not a adult being told more than once that the Dd did not have to eat anymore then being forcefully dragged off a toy, held then kicking and screaming while someone tries to force fed her.

But the op and her 3 year old are in the wrong 😂😂 bat shit world.

Forgetting the child did actually try some, and asked her own mother if she could get down. such a rude little girl clearly 🙄

But the op did tell her. She told her, that it was ok for her dd to get down, that her dd had tried enough. Mil ignored after being clearly told.

How many times do you tell someone no before your expected to be listened too.. For me it’s once. The first time.

@OhmygodDont

Clearly, in the moment, MIL thought she was doing the right thing. OP disagreed - things got heated and she exited.

Now time has past, MIL has spoken to her DS who has supported OP. MIL has probably reflected and wants to do better.
What counts now, is that MIL is sincere, hopefully apologises and learns.
What I have suggested only works if both parties actually want to move forward and have an amicable relationship - which I presume OP wants.

If we used your 'solution' you are suggesting OP never speaks to MIL again. Which is also an option.

It's up to OP (and her DH) and MIL on how they want to move forward but mutual respect / trust needs to be restored.

I do think the racism comment was poor, not remotely relevant and exacerbated the situation - and that's on OP.

Anyone that grabs or attempts to manhandle my child would be put in the ground so you handled it a hell of a lot better than I ever would. Like fuck would I allow an abusive POS like your MIL back around my child ever again.