To have “ruined” my MIL’s relationship with her son?

[RareLilacExpert]

A few months ago, whilst staying at my MIL’s house for her birthday, I was left alone with her and my DD for ~4 hrs (my DH and FIL went to a local football game). During this time, my DD refused to eat what was offered - not my choice of food for her, but a meal my MIL insisted upon (red flag 1).

I told MIL it was okay for DD not to eat her food, that we never put pressure on her to eat. DD asked me if she could get down and I said that she could.

MIL told me I was “letting a three year old rule the roost and needed to be in charge or she’d never learn.” I calmly explained we (meaning her son and I, my DD’s parents) were choosing to parent in this particular way and were responding to our child’s needs. I reiterated it was absolutely fine for DD not to want to eat, that she had days of feeling hungrier than others.

At this, MIL marched across the room, grabbed DD and attempted to manhandle her to the table. I raised my voice, told her to put my DD down and walk away. MIL did not. I shouted louder and MIL put DD down, she ran to me and we left the house to sit in the car. We only went back in for bath and bedtime, during which time I messaged my DH and he came home. He spoke to her, but when I saw her later this evening she did not even acknowledge the incident, let alone apologise.

The following day was her birthday meal, after which we got ready to leave (we were supposed to be staying a further night). This was when she spoke to me finally and I told her we were leaving because of her unacceptable behaviour towards my DD and myself, with no intention to apologise.

When we returned home, we did not speak for a further week, after which time I messaged outlining exactly the issues I had and what needed to change (respect, appreciation of different parenting styles, never touching my DD in this way again) before we would see her again. She rang and claimed she had “no idea she was so bad” and I “just needed to tell her when she was being unreasonable and she would stop.” I asked her if she was being racist, was it the victim’s responsibility to tell her she was wrong, or hers to think before she spoke/acted? She told me I was being oversensitive.

Ever since, we have not seen them. I cancelled a night away in which she was supposed to be babysitting, and I have now been accused of “ruining her relationship with her son and grandchild”, which tells me she still takes no responsibility. My DH is definitely ‘on my side’ and has spoken to her a few times but ultimately feels I need to let it go because ‘this is just the way she is’.

Am I being over sensitive here?

Wow I would have left after the initial dragging, not stayed to celebrate the dragger’s bday! I genuinely would as I have left my in laws in similar circumstances before. I wouldn’t talk to MIL much again tbh, leave DH to deal with her.

I don't think you're being over sensitive as your MiL was clearly wrong to interfere and get physical with DD. However in all honesty you are being incredibly self righteous and annoying, hugely patronising and unnecessarily dramatic. If your MiLs behaviour was a deal breaker for you then so be it. Adjust your contact with her and stick to your new arrangements. All this sitting in the car till bedtime, long emails of instructions and 'calm explanations' would make a saint of a MiL struggle with you, never mind one who seems as strong willed and flawed as yours. I see no future for this relationship, so your best bet is to leave the woman to her own devices and let her son navigate his own relationship with her.

MIL was definitely in the wrong to manhandle your child, but do you always speak as if you're reading from a parenting manual, it's enough to drive anyone mad!
And why only mention the bruise after a few posts hadn't gone your way....?

If someone put their hands on my child they'd find my hands on them very quickly and I certainly wouldn't be joining their birthday dinner. So you've been more patient than me.

She damaged her relationship with her grandchild by putting her hands on her and she damaged her relationship with her son for refusing to apologise.

well there’s a surprise

Years of resentment and tension and drama

so weird how your dh seems to be this shadowy background figure who does bugger all about anything 😆

Even assuming op IS annoying, self righteous and hideously condescending that does not give MIL the right to assault and manhandle a small child. There is NO EXCUSE for violence. So many pp rushing to minimise truly appalling damaging behaviour.

by manhandle, do we mean pick up and put her back in her chair at the table? she is 3. able to be picked up.

I think we need clarification here. Exactly HOW did she 'manhandle' your DD? Did she just pick her up?
And meal wise, yes tbh if it was lunchtime and my toddler was offered food I would insist she ate something so she didn't get hungry an hour later! Toddlers don't dictate food time in my house, they need to learn to have regular meal times with everyone else. What was the food as that seems to have bothered you too?

Read the OP's updates. She's made it all clear.

I am interested to know how exactly you force a toddler to eat because you have decided it’s time to eat?

What does insisting actually look like?

You are right as it is not her place to do and act as she did with your daughter. Never leave your daughter alone with your mil as she sounds awful. It is all just wrong and she should apologize and least your husband has your back. I would be livid.

I can’t believe anyone is telling you that you ABU! She abused your daughter by bruising her, everything else is irrelevant. That is wrong, that is her problem and all consequences are down to her behaviour. End of story!

Orlandointhewilderness she grabbed the little girls arm and tried to make her eat her food. Who grabs a toddlers arm and not her place to do so.

Massive drip feed about the fact she was bruised and also that MIL served her a whole fish with head and tail!

Sorry, I’m calling bullshit. I think you’ve over-dramatised the whole situation. There was probably a disagreement about feeding DD, and perhaps MIL did pick her up to put her back at the table, but I think you’ve blown it all out of proportion.

Yes this is such an odd thread. So many people anxious to gloss over MIL's violent behaviour towards a three year old child by an adult. People may not agree to how OP and the child's father parent their child - but is that really the issue? Why can't MIL disagree but keep her thoughts and her hands, to herself? There really is NO excuse for this level of physical intervention towards a child over what she'll eat or not eat. 🌹

how was the behaviour violent? how was it assault?
we werent there,

you are all getting worked up, well most of you are!

You clearly have different parenting styles and that is a fashion/generational thing and you are taking it very personally. I told my mother I would not be hitting my kids and she told me they would be ruined and grow up spoiled and horrible - well that hasn't happened and she now (20 years later) is very anti-physical punishment. I never left my kids with my mother, I didn't trust her parenting - I supervised from a distance.

I think it is your responsibility to educate your Mil and explain to her how you want things done and be there and step in when the boundaries are crossed - the racist analogy is a load of nonsense. The relationship between grandchildren and their grandparents can be very beneficial to both parties it's up to you to ensure the rules are followed, everyone understands what the rules are and your child is safe but that does not mean you need to go no contact - that is showing poor management of the situation.

My DH has used the 'you know what she's like' line to dismiss appalling behaviour in his family. My response is, 'Yes, I do know, which is why I don't want anything to do with them now'. In my experience, it's standard in toxic family systems for people to dismiss each other's terrible behaviour with this kind of 'what can you do?' attitude, which allows things to continue as they are.

When someone like you comes along, OP, someone with boundaries who expects people to be accountable for their own bad behaviour it throws a spanner into the works. In a family system where no one is called out or is expected to apologise, you're going to encounter a lot of obstinacy and resistance. You'll also get a lot of darvo (deny, attack, reverse victim and offender) where you are painted as the bad person, and the one who misbehaved is painted as the victim.

While I applaud you for rightly standing your ground, it's a tough course of action you're on, and it doesn't always end with happy families all round. You probably can't save your relationship with your mil, given her appalling behaviour, but you can change your DH's mindset and make him understand that healthy relationships depend on accountability and an ability to apologise when apologies are necessary.

Sometimes it is better and easier to accept that different generations might have different ideas.

I'm guessing MIL just wanted to see some attempt from you to get your DD to try the food she had made for her.

Personally, I would have tried to encourage a 3 year old to try some of the food - they need to be able to adapt to different situations. I'm guessing your MIL had spent time cooking for her and to see you just allow her to leave it all without any attempt from you to get her to eat it was quite insulting.

Was it something unusual that no child would ever touch? If not YABU!

The drama was caused by the MIL. She may have disagreed with OP's stance but unless you want drama, you don't voice it and you certainly don't drag a child back to the table to try and force feed them! She should have apologised immediately!

Completely aside, the number of people who do not understand analogy is pretty disconcerting!

It's not racist to object to certain foods!

There's loads I won't eat from pretty much every culture including British - how on earth is that racist! It's food I don't like!

I think that's really sad if you have to be in that situation.

It says a lot about yours and his parents that they can't be trusted

My DD has a good appetite and will try food other people are eating but even she will not eat food if she doesn't want to regardless of the people who she is eating with. My neighbours' children, who are all 10 and under, are the same as I've listened to their parents and grandparents complaining about people cooking meals for them and them not eating.

The OP did say in her post her DD did have a few mouthfuls then decided she wasn't hungry.

Personally I'm concerned by someone giving a small child fish which will have small bones in it. If you want a small kid to try to eat fish you remove the head as well as checking each mouthful for bones. Even then some people, regardless of age, will not eat fish.

How much of this is actual fact?

Not much