Is this going to cause a massive family rift?

[Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor]

Sorry for length of this -

I have an older brother who is a little bit of a moocher - I’ve posted about him before under a different name. He has had a great education and many opportunities in life and has ended up, in his mid 30s, with no money and financially dependent on my mother. He never pays for himself and works a couple of hours a day, and that’s it. He is always feeling sorry for himself due to having no money, and therefore my mother/other siblings bank roll him as they worry he is depressed. I think he’s just playing on their emotions/using them (but I can’t be sure of this).

He is always asking us if he can do odd jobs for cash. We let him dog sit last year whilst we were away - fridge full of food for him at ours, 25£ a day etc, and he fucked off for 10 hours a day to see friends and left our dog crying (we could hear on camera after neighbour messaged asking if dog was alright)/had to get mother to intervene as we were abroad. Came home to a fruit bowl full of rotting fruit and fridge full of off milk etc.

Anyway we are expecting and he’s due to be god father as he is an extremely fun brother/uncle. We offered him 200-300£ to paint a wardrobe for the baby as he’s very talented artistically and his hobby is art related. He agreed. We set a deadline of 1 week for the work to be finished. 3 weeks later. 3 weeks of him lying (I can’t do it today as I’m working - turns out he was just at home chilling etc), showing up hours after he said he would, us waiting around for him….what he has painted is shockingly bad - he didn’t put the tape on properly and it needs totally clearing up/the non painted bits will need to be repainted to fix it. Anyway we basically said “if you don’t want to do this please just say as we had another person lined up”. No, he’s sorry but he’s not motivated. Ok, fine. So we have to get the other person to undo all his shitty work and the deadline was weeks ago and this has been a totally maddening experience.

Today he messaged asking for money for the time spent on it. On one hand - maybe he is depressed (although he is never too depressed to see his friends and do the things HE wants to do - dinners, lunches, cinema trips, gym etc) and he did spend some time painting. On the other hand he totally fucking let us down and it’s going to now cost us MORE money than the other person originally quoted as she’s not starting from scratch.

I don’t want to cause a huge family argument if we don’t pay him so do we just pay him something? What’s fair?

Oh goodness. I managed to get myself to A&E with a broken bone by train. He's a lost cause.

I don’t agree re giving him a lift - what are the chances it’s convenient for someone? He’s 35 years old he should be able to sort himself out. I’m also sorry for him that he hurt his arm but I am not dragging out the children at dinner/bath time to ferry him around. The thing is maybe now I’m overly jaded so wouldn’t do it when it’s a normal thing to do I don’t know. Maybe it’s mean.

i just find it so maddening that he just says “I can’t afford an Uber” and my mother pays for him and that’s it. You are right that it’s still babying him to care about the consequences but it’s because I see it play out all the time and it’s hard not to get annoyed by everyone engaging in this. My mother will never change and neither will he. It’s a waste of a life he could be living and it’s sad. He’s really just a bird with a clipped wing.

Try and look at it that dm has a ready made carer with no other responsibilities should she need one.

Of course he should be able to sort himself out! The issue is not that he can’t but that he won’t. And he won’t because he knows the family, and usually his mum, will sort him out so why should he bother… he knew she would pay for a Uber so why should he get a bus? It is incredibly annoying watching it all play out, but your mum isn’t going to change now. He’s her baby and keeps her company and she doesn’t want to rock the boat. The issue will be when your mum is no longer around, and your brother has to stand on his own two feet..but that’s for another day!

All you can do is continue to withdraw just as you have over the wardrobe. You can’t control how mum treats him but you can control how you respond. He wants money? He gets a job. He wants a lift? He can get a Uber. Remember he has chosen to accept this lifestyle.

One thing you can be 100% sure of is that when their mother needs a carer this chap will be nowhere to be seen and OP will be expected to step in.

This 100%.

@Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor I hope you're ok. I feel like you've bitten your lip for so long, you've gone from not wanting to cause a rift to being furious over everything. I'd give my brother a lift to the hospital with a broken shoulder in a heartbeat, he'd do the same for me. My parents are constantly treating all of us, not because we ask or want anything from them but because they can and they want to. I don't know your DM's circumstances but maybe that's it? Maybe she just likes to? He sounds lazy and entitled and I'm not sticking up for him I'm just saying I think you need to confront what has annoyed you and the way he's treated you, let the other adults decide for themselves and accept him for who he is, or don't, but you started this thread because you didn't want a family rift. xx

There’s some truth to this. If my other brother had dislocated his shoulder I would have been there in a heartbeat as well, dinner/bath time or not. With this brother it was more rolling my eyes about the fact his instant response to an injury was needing money from other people. This is also just going to cause a huge issue because of the recovery time and being unable to do any work / everything will be exacerbated and he will just become even more of a “victim”. He’s sending a lot of messages about “trying to stay positive”. But I realise I do just sound bitter now and you’re right that this thread was to avoid a family rift!

my mother isn’t doing it just to do it - she’s doing it so that she has company.

It is a very sad situation long term…. He’s going to get a big shock when mum is no longer around. Be prepared for him to expect you and DH to step up and fund his lifestyle…

The problem is now you’ve seen the dynamic for what it is, you can’t unsee it. if it were me, I’d change my responses to him (as you are doing) as I can only control myself, but how other people deal with him, I would just let it go. We can only control ourselves.

Sorry to be a pessimist here but did he even really dislocate his shoulder? How do you know it wasn’t a scam to get more money

I totally feel why you feel the way you do and it is so hard to pull yourself out of it when it becomes resentment and you've got that contempt. I think you should sit down with him and get it off your chest with a calm head, to avoid it erupting in a way you'll regret later on. You clearly love him on a much deeper level of you'd not have let it get to this place. Hope you're ok xx

He did definitely dislocate shoulder / it’s not something he could or would fake as he sees my mother everyday. He sent x ray etc.

he wanted to go for a walk today as he is feeling sorry for himself. I said I would come and then he could come and see the children (which he’s been asking to do). All fine and agreeing. Except now he won’t commit to it as he’s waiting to see what other DB is doing as him joining us became an option - presumably as that will end in a trip to the pub. I just cba - as @NotSorry says I just can’t unsee it.

Well actions have consequences don't they?

Treat someone badly for long enough & they'll pull back for their own sake.

Except now he won’t commit to it as he’s waiting to see what other DB is doing

So he hasn't learnt anything yet?

Still wants to do what he wants when he wants & stuff anyone else!

Apologies in advance OP because you know the real life situation, but speaking as an online observer....
I just don't understand why you volunteered to go for a walk with him because "he was feeling sorry for himself,"

Because it seems from your posts that you are very annoyed by his behaviour in general, which has built up over several years it seems and as pp pointed out you started the post because you want to avoid a family rift, but were very put out by him constantly letting you down and asking everyone for money for an uber etc. I think you are so annoyed at him at the moment that if you did meet up, it might all come out in a huge argument.

It just feels like it would be better to give the situation a lot more time and space because what was a generous impulse on your part has now been rebuffed and caused even more botheration because he now can't commit because he's waiting for a better offer. Twas ever thus wasn't it? So why put yourself in the way of that again? You can choose not to. Don't jump at every request. Try ignoring them. Let other Bro and Mum take up the slack as they seem very willing anyway, then they might understand your POV a bit better.

I don't want to upset you, but it looks like you've just fallen back into the same old tramline with him.. He's asking for something and both you and your other brother are rushing to provide it and now he has fluffed it again and caused you further stress. You say he's been asking to see the kids ( he knows this is a way to soften you up) yet having been offered what he asked for (a walk and seeing the kids) he's decided he cant commit. How much does he really want/care about seeing the kids and how much is this a verbal soothing technique?

Perhaps you should really try to untangle yourself for a while so that you can take stock. Take a step back from getting involved in his day to day concerns as it seems to be doing your head in. Stop discussing him with Mum and Bro, stop volunteering and decide that the next week at least is going to be focused on your DC and your lovely DH and not on the Prodigal Bro.

sorry I don't mean to sound so bossy but I think it would help you to de stress, because I know how family situations can be very upsetting and often small things are hugely significant when you are in the thick of it.

Except now he won’t commit to it as he’s waiting to see what other DB is doing as him joining us became an option
This needs a "sorry, can't hang around. We'll go for a walk another day." How rude of him to vacillate a firm offer in favour of a maybe!
I hope other DB lets him down

Don't pay him. Choose a better Godfather too!

What happened in the end OP?

Confirm this, bzen there, go the T shirt. It's time to sart making him understand that this should be his role after having lived like a child for 35 years.

I think Mum and sister ar wrong. If he was seriously depressed, he wouldn't be offeriig to do anything even for money. Here are a few symptoms of depression you can look out for : https://www.mayoclinic.org/diseases-conditions/depression/symptoms-causes/syc-20356007

I admit I haven't read the 22 pages of comments but just in case it never came up - is this wardrobe for a baby you haven' t had yet? If so, I want to ring an alarm bell about exposing the baby to stress. Every emotion goes to your unborn through the umbilical cord and that's for life. If all this is stressing you out then you would be better to step back until your baby is born.

If he drinks as well as being a waste of space, he hasn't got the mettle of a Godfather. Godfathers are supposed to step in if parents are very ill or die. Would you want him to do that. Even use his depression as a reason to ditch his as Godfather.