Is this going to cause a massive family rift?

[Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor]

Sorry for length of this -

I have an older brother who is a little bit of a moocher - I’ve posted about him before under a different name. He has had a great education and many opportunities in life and has ended up, in his mid 30s, with no money and financially dependent on my mother. He never pays for himself and works a couple of hours a day, and that’s it. He is always feeling sorry for himself due to having no money, and therefore my mother/other siblings bank roll him as they worry he is depressed. I think he’s just playing on their emotions/using them (but I can’t be sure of this).

He is always asking us if he can do odd jobs for cash. We let him dog sit last year whilst we were away - fridge full of food for him at ours, 25£ a day etc, and he fucked off for 10 hours a day to see friends and left our dog crying (we could hear on camera after neighbour messaged asking if dog was alright)/had to get mother to intervene as we were abroad. Came home to a fruit bowl full of rotting fruit and fridge full of off milk etc.

Anyway we are expecting and he’s due to be god father as he is an extremely fun brother/uncle. We offered him 200-300£ to paint a wardrobe for the baby as he’s very talented artistically and his hobby is art related. He agreed. We set a deadline of 1 week for the work to be finished. 3 weeks later. 3 weeks of him lying (I can’t do it today as I’m working - turns out he was just at home chilling etc), showing up hours after he said he would, us waiting around for him….what he has painted is shockingly bad - he didn’t put the tape on properly and it needs totally clearing up/the non painted bits will need to be repainted to fix it. Anyway we basically said “if you don’t want to do this please just say as we had another person lined up”. No, he’s sorry but he’s not motivated. Ok, fine. So we have to get the other person to undo all his shitty work and the deadline was weeks ago and this has been a totally maddening experience.

Today he messaged asking for money for the time spent on it. On one hand - maybe he is depressed (although he is never too depressed to see his friends and do the things HE wants to do - dinners, lunches, cinema trips, gym etc) and he did spend some time painting. On the other hand he totally fucking let us down and it’s going to now cost us MORE money than the other person originally quoted as she’s not starting from scratch.

I don’t want to cause a huge family argument if we don’t pay him so do we just pay him something? What’s fair?

Well of course he 'wanted' it. Not because he cares about your or your children. But because it makes him feel important.
By 'wonderful' I assume you mean he's sweet and charming, A lot of selfish people are. AS long as they're getting their own way. When they're not, the claws come out, as you can see.
There would be no family argument if he didn't go running to mama, but he will, because he does not care.

Seriously. Do you kids a favour. Don't teach them to accept dysfunctional behaviour. You are like a kicked puppy that keeps going back to the owner for more food. It is NOT nasty to remove the role, nasty implies being deliberately cruel. It is merely the natural consequence of his own behaviour. And also, real family wouldn't have charged. It's not like it's even his FT day job.

Yes, youre right to deduct that. Good point.

You should stop asking him to do anything and especially do not live dogs and children with him! He is completely irresponsible and you are asking for trouble by continually including him.

Dont pay and make this the last time you offer him work.

He used tape but, despite having spent one entire painting session taping it up, either didnt use the right type of tape or didn’t tape it properly!

Of course they'll say you need to drop it now because if they agree with you it shows them up as proper wallies who are and have been enabling his ridiculous and unreasonable behaviour for god knows how many years. They've clearly gone so far down the enabling road they can't now stop.

You're just as bad as your mum, infantilising this pathetic ‘fun uncle’. No of course you don’t pay him.

He can be a fun uncle if that’s what you think he could be , but for a godfather you need someone who is going to be a good example to the child , possibly put their hand in their pocket for birthdays, 18th etc, who you can trust to take them out for the day, possibly be a confidante , maybe even a substitute dad if anything ever happened to real daddy. Your db sounds like a liability and it’s not fair to saddle your child with him.

and yes, you can take back the offer. Remind yourself how cruel he was to the poor dog , then think if that is someone who is capable of offering moral guidance to your child. The wardrobe painting is awful btw, he hasn’t even tries has he?

Imo you need to consider he isn't a child. His wants don't actually count as a grown up when things are suffering because of him. Like your ddog and potentially your purse.. What if he demands to babysit? Is he really suitable? Maybe practice saying no so in the future your refusal to leave him with a precious dc won't come as such a shock... Or will you allow dm to insist you do? She needs having a word with also
.

@Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor The dog sitting thing was awful, too.
Poor Dog!

I looked after my friend’s dog for 9 hours- she has Separation Anxiety, and I made her the absolute focus of every minute she was with me.

A house sitter looked after a friend’s dog and didn’t stay overnight as arranged and neighbours noticed.

I’d be so angry if someone left my dog alone like that- Please don’t ever let him babysit.
😧👀😳

Have you considered that maybe the enabling members of your family have put him up to asking you for the money? It may be your DM encouraging it as she sounds unhealthily entrenched in the idea that he is unwell and needs constant bailing out. He may well be unwell but he is an adult who needs to make the move to get help himself. Dont be an enabler but also dont be tempted or persuaded to give him jobs to take on which is absolutely not the "help" someone with depression needs.

This could well be true

OP, give me his number - I’ll text him and tell him to belt up.

And if the family kicks off about it, I’ll cheerfully deal with that for you too.

Yes, of course I am. We have all been complicit. Although I would say that my enabling comes more from guilt and social awkwardness, not from any sort of selfishness. But yes. Needs to stop.

Ha! Would be wonderful

Masking tape takes time to apply properly- that is literally the worst “ Bleed” I have seen.
Probably slopping too much paint on without having pressed the tape down firmly enough.
He must be totally careless and shameless to ask payment for that.

Look at your family like a musical instrument - your brother is playing you all like a Stradivarius.
This is your opportunity to turn a crescendo into a finale.
Be your own hero. No hero takes a ration of shite from their brother.

I don’t want to cause a huge family argument if we don’t pay him so do we just pay him something? What’s fair?

What's 'fair' is to stop feeding this absolute fucking madness!

You shouldn't be paying him that much to paint a wardrobe. He's FAMILY.

You shouldn't be paying him to house sit and you should have removed his face for leaving the dog all day.

He is taking the piss because your entire family has allowed him to for years.

Anyone with an ounce of sense would say 'Hell no. You messed us around for weeks, did a shoddy job and now we are having to pay out even more to get it put right'.

And then they'd research the symptoms of actual depression and realise they've been a doormat for literally years!

Take it from someone with as big a moocher in their own family - he will only grow up and sort himself out when his enablers cut the apron strings.

A decent godfather would of done it for free

I totally agree with everything you’re saying.

but what do people say to the argument of “I spent X amount of hours on this”. Which he did - I have no idea how it took so long but he did spend his time on it.

What made you think he was good at painting decorating, has he done it before?

The point of the godfather thing is that you are going to hand him this honour, when you know what he’s like. You are, I’m sorry to say, enabling him just as much as your family are. You need to decide whether or not that’s something you’re ok with. When you have a godparent stand up you are saying publicly to your kids, friends and family “this is the person I want to be in my child’s life, this is the person I trust.”

Did you agree an hourly rate or a price for a finished wardrobe?

Your mum and other family members are enabling his poor behaviour because it somehow suits them. They’re actually doing him an appalling disservice. They’re infantilising him.

100% agree with this.

I suspect it's because they don't want to face up to the realities of how they've been used for years and they're embarrassed by him so they make excuses.

The whole family really are fucking his life, though.

He won't meet anyone and have his own family, won't have a career etc. He'll just rot in the spare room and will probably end up feeling so shit about himself that he actually will get depressed, in time.

His hobby is warhammer. He spends most of his time on it and can paint incredibly detailed models/spends hours on it.

it seemed like something he would be able to do. He did say 2D would be different and obviously we told him we understood and he should just do his best. if he had been there at 9am every day and finished it, and it looked a bit crappy, we wouldn’t have minded. It’s about the huge pisstake of 3 weeks of misleading us/lying and putting minimal effort in/not coming when supposed to or being late. The flowers he did bother to do looked really great. Just unfortunate how few he did and that he couldn’t be bothered to do any more. He could have done this.

Price for finished wardrobe