Is this going to cause a massive family rift?

[Whatdoyoudowiththedrunkensailor]

Sorry for length of this -

I have an older brother who is a little bit of a moocher - I’ve posted about him before under a different name. He has had a great education and many opportunities in life and has ended up, in his mid 30s, with no money and financially dependent on my mother. He never pays for himself and works a couple of hours a day, and that’s it. He is always feeling sorry for himself due to having no money, and therefore my mother/other siblings bank roll him as they worry he is depressed. I think he’s just playing on their emotions/using them (but I can’t be sure of this).

He is always asking us if he can do odd jobs for cash. We let him dog sit last year whilst we were away - fridge full of food for him at ours, 25£ a day etc, and he fucked off for 10 hours a day to see friends and left our dog crying (we could hear on camera after neighbour messaged asking if dog was alright)/had to get mother to intervene as we were abroad. Came home to a fruit bowl full of rotting fruit and fridge full of off milk etc.

Anyway we are expecting and he’s due to be god father as he is an extremely fun brother/uncle. We offered him 200-300£ to paint a wardrobe for the baby as he’s very talented artistically and his hobby is art related. He agreed. We set a deadline of 1 week for the work to be finished. 3 weeks later. 3 weeks of him lying (I can’t do it today as I’m working - turns out he was just at home chilling etc), showing up hours after he said he would, us waiting around for him….what he has painted is shockingly bad - he didn’t put the tape on properly and it needs totally clearing up/the non painted bits will need to be repainted to fix it. Anyway we basically said “if you don’t want to do this please just say as we had another person lined up”. No, he’s sorry but he’s not motivated. Ok, fine. So we have to get the other person to undo all his shitty work and the deadline was weeks ago and this has been a totally maddening experience.

Today he messaged asking for money for the time spent on it. On one hand - maybe he is depressed (although he is never too depressed to see his friends and do the things HE wants to do - dinners, lunches, cinema trips, gym etc) and he did spend some time painting. On the other hand he totally fucking let us down and it’s going to now cost us MORE money than the other person originally quoted as she’s not starting from scratch.

I don’t want to cause a huge family argument if we don’t pay him so do we just pay him something? What’s fair?

Are you prepared for him to be a disappointing godfather? Are you ready to explain to your child why Uncle Doesn'tgiveashit hasn't done what he promised and now you have to paper over the cracks? Why are you expecting this man to change the habit of a lifetime, I would've been done when he failed to give care to an animal he was being paid to care for. How do you think your neighbours felt having to contact you on holiday, how distressed was your dog that it got to that point?

Was he drunk when he painted that?

You really need to stop enabling him, he's a grown man for goodness sake. Doesn't matter if he's depressed or not, he should be ashamed but it rather sounds like he's a CF and all your family are enthralled.

Your husband probably has the right idea about him.

That is definitely shoddy work. You're not being unreasonable.

What an fing chancer. Dont pay and dont give him godfather job. He's rubbish example and needs a kick up the ass and this should be it. Good luck xxxx

Having seen that picture I can't believe he's suggesting you pay him for that. He is clearly very used to sponging off the rest of his family to have that little shame.

I think you have been conditioned to treat him like he is a small child. A grown man in his thirties has done a piss poor paint job because he was "unmotivated"? And how he wants to get paid for it?? Your DH is absolutely right about not paying him a penny. If he is depressed, he needs medical help so that he can function as an adult. Helping him is not treating him like a small child.

This. Never mind the wardrobe. If someone I had trusted to look after my dog had left him alone and crying for 10 hours a day, that would have been it. I woukd also suspect from.the rotting milk and fruit that he hadn't even stayed, and if the dog hadn't starved to death, he had just popped in to put food down then buggered off.

First post nails it!

That's all there is to it.

It's not your job to bankroll him out of his slump/depression.

Appointing godparents isn't about 'fairness' or about being "sweet and fun".

And the fact that he neglected your dog so badly should lead you to conclude he really cannot be trusted with any sort of responsibility.

No don’t pay, any normal brother/uncle/godparent would have painted it for free so you were kind to offer payment in the first place, he has thrown your generosity back in your face.

Also, why is it your job to keep the peace? Why isn't he responsible for not causing a rift? Why is your family so worried about his feelings, but give no regard to your feelings when he spectacularly lets you down?

YANBU - don't pay him a penny. Send him the above pictures with the following message

"Dear bro, I understand and have been very patient with all of your struggles. We always try to support you, hence the offer of paid work to paint the wardrobe. But after weeks of messing us around, the fact that you've now asked for money for the appalling results above is beyond insulting. It's going to cost us more in paint and labour to get someone else to do it, than if you'd never bothered. I love you dearly, but this has to stop. It's not fair to anyone. Love annoyed sis xx"

What a bellend! I agree with everyone else- why inflict a shit godfather on your child, just because he's 'fun'? Will he be any good at marking the important landmarks in your child's life, or will everyone else be covering his sorry arse as usual? And don't pay him for that twattish paint job. Your DH is right.

I definitely wouldn't pay for that! It's an awful job!
I don't think he has depression either by the sound of it. He's a sponger who pulls the depression card out because he knows no-one will challenge him, which seems to work for him, doesn't it?!
As for you wanting him be godfather? That totally blew me away, especially when you stated he neglected your dogs! You do realise that he'd be the one looking after your DC in the event of something happening to you and DH? It's an important role that should be taken seriously, not a token gesture just because he's "fun"! So bloody good luck with that! 🙄
I really can't understand anyone, family or not, enabling this sort of behaviour! He needs a short, sharp shock, especially at his age! But I don't think he's going to get one, as he has the entire family at his beck and call! He should be ashamed of himself and you all should too for not having dealt with him sooner!

Looking at the state of that he's made zero effort. Do not pay him a single penny.

There was always just a bit of an understanding that he would be godfather as my other brother is and that predates the uptick of the cheeky fuckery.

I totally understand people about the dog. We got my mother to step in ASAP and then he had to take it more seriously (but only re the dog - as I said we came home to properly fuzzy lemons and mouldy milk from the milk man, which we hadn’t paused as he said he wanted it). He then suggested he dog sit “next year”- of course we said absolutely fucking not. It was pretty traumatic, the experience - I was on tears in holiday totally powerless to help my pet. But again my family do downplay this stuff - they were annoyed for a day but then he took it seriously and all was forgotten/forgiven.

with this wardrobe everyone “sees why im
Annoyed” but I just need to drop it now, apparently. I suspect they will think we need to pay him for what he’s done.

And if anyone comes back at you, just send them the photos and ask them what they think it's worth paying. Then whatever figure they come back with, say, and now we have to deduct the cost of the extra paint and additional labour to bring it back to the original condition, so actually, he owes us £x.

Seriously, he is not going to improve when he has no incentive. I totally understand MH struggles, and have supported my kids through some terrible times. However, when there is always a safety net hovering immediately below, then he has no reason to change things. If he's depressed, he needs to be encouraged to go for therapy and medication.

But just enabling his behaviour without any form of consequence gives him free reign. Who cares if you upset your mum, she's clearly not worried that he's upset you.

Lastly - you most certainly can revoke the request for him to be Godfather. He is setting a poor example to everyone around him by agreeing to do jobs and then not seeing them through to completion. This is not the example you want to set for your kids.
I can't think of a suitable comparison but I can't think that you would simply select someone to be a godparent because they are Fun Uncle/Aunt whoever. Please give more thought to this.

This can’t be serious. Why would you make some one like this, the godparent to your child, just because he is family? Why would you want this kind of chaos in your own child’s life, subsequently for the rest of his life? Moreover, as your child grows he will be conditioned to become another enabler, for your brother, and will be forced to put up with is uncles/godfather’s perpetual shit because he is “family”. Sadly, I actually have first hand experience of this, and my own godfather has caused me a lot of unnecessary stress and worry, and my own mother knew that he was a really problematic person yet still chose him because he was family. Really awful.

Christ, what a loser.

I have very little sympathy for men like this. I've seen it over and over and over and it's ALWAYS men. I've never heard of a woman in her 30s living at home moping about and letting mummy pay for everything. I've just got no patience for it or the people that enable it tbh.

I absolutely do not believe that depression is the reason he neglected your dog, or the reason he couldn't be arsed to finish the painting job. As you say, he can manage to go out to the cinema, the pub or the gym. He's just a lazy, immature, selfish asshole and he will continue to be a lazy, selfish immature asshole until someone stops enabling him. And even when that happens he will probably think its their fault.

Back away, OP, and definitely don't pay him. So what if it causes a rift? You are right and they are wrong.

You do realise that he'd be the one looking after your DC in the event of something happening to you and DH?

Being a Godparent doesn’t mean you automatically become a guardian if something happens to the parents.

DD and DS have different Godparents, but we’ve nominated my sister and BIL as guardians if something happened to DH and I. Their godparents are just extra special aunties and uncles.

What difference does it make what "understanding" there was re Godfather? You don't have to go along with it? Indeed, why on earth should you?

Why are you so beholden to "they" who think you need to pay for his non painting? It's a bit bizarre tbh.

Thank you so much this is a great idea and I fully agree. I did also suggest GP and medication but he’s saying he will stop drinking this month and that will
help. He’s also going to enter rowing competitions - where that motivation comes from I don’t know

I just don’t want to do something hurtful. Maybe it is bizarre - my family dynamic is bizarre