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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

289 replies

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:54

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

OP posts:
Grapesandcheesetwo · 05/04/2024 08:16

OP, I've only read your posts. The thing that jumped out at me is that he told you he asked another female friend to go first, but you've found out that this isn't true. This is an unnecessary lie he has told since you have got back together. He hasn't been able to change his behaviour.

UncleHerbie · 05/04/2024 08:19

WillJeSuis · 04/04/2024 23:17

Let him have the tickets and run for the flipping hills.

Je t’adore votre nom 🙏🏾

Shabnamsshoos · 05/04/2024 08:21

@Pookie21 You said if you were his friend you’d stand down but you don’t know exactly what his friend has been told to be fair. Or what plans she’s made to be there. I don’t think the issue is with her at all, it’s completely between you and your boyfriend.

I partly agree with a pp that it’s nice he isn’t just ditching his friend, and messing her about now that he’s back with his gf.

BUT I don’t think he should’ve invited his friend to begin with!! He doesn’t like musicals, you do -. and most importantly it was your birthday gift.

He should’ve given you the tickets and said you could find a replacement to go with you. It doesn't make sense that he gave your birthday gift away, especially as he admits it was mostly his fault you broke up. And yes he definitely should’ve told you when you got back that he’d given your ticket away!

ClairDeLaLune · 05/04/2024 08:23

So he’s pressurising you to do something in the bedroom that you don’t want to do because of previous sexual abuse? Oh OP this is a massive red flag. Please dump him.

The tickets are pretty much irrelevant compared to this, but I wouldn’t put up with that either. He doesn’t value your feelings enough. Dump him.

Oh and Les Mis is my favourite too, I’ll come with you!

UncleHerbie · 05/04/2024 08:25

Ihearyousingingdownthewire · 05/04/2024 07:59

Fuck no. Dump this cunt.

😂😂😂😂😂 #preach 😂😂😂😂😂

UncleHerbie · 05/04/2024 08:28

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:55

I’ve just been replying to other people’s posts, don’t actually know what I’ve done wrong there except try to answer someone’s question & explain more of the circumstances when asked…not sure how that makes me hard work tbh.
also saying ‘I’m sorry’ before insulting someone is very rude, no one forced you to reply!!

Ignore this comment.

You can do so much better: dump, block, move on

Good luck 💐

splashofcolour · 05/04/2024 08:30

🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'm sorry I don't mean to laugh OP, but just last night I was telling my husband how my ex-husband asked me if he could take the woman he worked with (who he was semi-dating) to my birthday comedy show - 1 week after breaking up! I said no I'd find a friend to come along with me and he could stay home 🤣🤣🤣

This isn't a completely rare thing for men to requst / do either but I don't know how they think it's okay!

Shabnamsshoos · 05/04/2024 08:34

Whether you stay with him or not - and personally I wouldn’t from what I’ve heard - I think the best way to resolve this specific situation would be for him to give both tickets to his friend and let her find someone else to go with AND buy a new pair of tickets for you (and send them to you straight away!)

It'll be an expensive lesson for him!

@splashofcolour it kind of shows how selfish some people are when they buy tickets as “gifts” for others. They’re presenting it as a gift for the other person but really they’re still partly thinking of it as a gift for them which is why they seem to think it’s ok to hang on to it after breakups.

Ohnodontwantthiscrush · 05/04/2024 08:46

OP this isn't just about the tickets. It's you second guessing yourself. It's feeling anxious in the relationship. You speak of him being manipulative and here I see him doing it again. He decided not to tell you he had invited somebody else and waited for you to unearth it. He's not reassuring you.

Relationships should make you feel happy.

I've been the friend that got used for support on breakups and it's not nice.

However this is not nice for you.

So if he's in a tricky situation the only question should be 'Which is my priority person?"

Personally I think you should break up with him for good this time.

My partner is not perfect and god knows we have been through some sticky periods but I know he would never ever take someone else to see my favourite band. He just wouldn't want me to feel hurt.

UnintentionalArcher · 05/04/2024 08:47

I think this is complex, as shown by the additional information OP has given throughout the thread.

What sounded like a relatively straightforward issue about what the OH had done with some tickets (which, as has been suggested, could be reasonable or unreasonable depending on context - what type of person he is, whose fault the break-up was and how it played out, whether the friend is just a friend, lots of other factors etc.) has emerged as being about something much bigger.

I think these tickets are a litmus test of the feelings and attitudes in the wider relationship. @Pookie21, I can see why this issue would be tying you in knots if, really, it is not just about some tickets in an otherwise well-functioning relationship, but is a symbol of your fears about your OH and a test of how he will treat you now.

When we have been subject to gaslighting over a long period and are having a supposed ‘fresh start’ with a partner who is otherwise on their best behaviour, it can be really, really difficult to see things clearly and decide if a single seemingly relatively innocuous incident like this is the ‘hill to die on’, as others have put it. Often, victims of gaslighting simply cannot see things clearly. I suspect that is why you are here. While you may not decide to leave over this specifically, note it somewhere (mentally or physically), do not forget it, and be vigilant about his behaviour otherwise. Given the previous behaviours you have shared, it is highly unlikely that your OH has reformed, or would be able to reform without serious work, therapy etc.

If you can, I would suggest trying to mentally step away from the question of the tickets and examine how you feel about the bigger picture. Tickets aside, what does your gut tell you? Do you feel loved and supported? Do you truly trust that your partner has changed? Do you think this partner is worthy of you or do you deserve better? Do you think you will look back in five years and be glad that you gave the relationship another go, or do you think you might wish you hadn’t wasted your time? What would you advise a friend in this situation?

Some posters have advised ending the relationship, which I understand, but that can feel overwhelming when you have been manipulated and abused. Sometimes people need to detach themselves from these situations by degrees (assuming there is no threat to safety which warrants breaking things off immediately). It sounds like you already detached yourself once by breaking up - well done. You sound perhaps less invested and more wary now than you were previously- which will ultimately make leaving easier. At this stage, as long as you are safe, it doesn’t have to be all or nothing. As you don’t live together, you could tell him you need to take a pause or break while you think about whether you want to continue. If you do that, his reaction will tell you a lot - is he accepting and understanding, or does he lash out? If you decide to continue after some reflection, it could be with different or stronger boundaries, or you may decide to end things. Again, his reaction will be telling.

I think that the tickets are just a canary in the mine, so to speak. Good luck!!

Lupuswarriors · 05/04/2024 08:58

Of he bought them for your birthday and then you both broke uo, shy has he even got the tickets. That's how gifting works. It's you that should have the 2 tickets even if uou never got back together. I'd ditch him now as you're going to have more issues later

splashofcolour · 05/04/2024 09:05

@Shabnamsshoos oh my days you're right! It was a comedian he absolutely loved too!

user1492757084 · 05/04/2024 10:00

He should suggest that you go with his friend while he puts his name down to buy an extra if someone cancels.

It is your favourite musical. He wanted you to go.

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2024 10:07

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

Honestly, I'd forget the tickets and forget the man! (Even though I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable about the tickets)

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2024 10:08

hot2trotter · 04/04/2024 21:33

I'm sorry OP but you sound like hard work.

How many times are you gonna say they were my main present / it's my favourite musical / we don't live together etc. You are just repeating yourself. It's weird.

You've listed a ton of reasons why you broke up in the first place and I honestly can't see this lasting long term.

I don't think she sounds like hard work in the slightest! HE sounds like a complete waste of space.

Animatic · 05/04/2024 10:09

What did I just read? Woah 🤣 I assume he is on blocked list on your phone and SM by now

Bumblebeestiltskin · 05/04/2024 10:09

MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 21:46

So he has badgered you for a certain sex act that you don't like doing because of abuse and now you think he's a good guy because he's stopped badgering you (only because you've agreed to do it anyway despite your trauma)
No, this isn't normal in a relationship. Not by any means.

👏🏼👏🏼👏🏼

SpeedwellBlue · 05/04/2024 10:23

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

He sounds horrible. I think you should end it.

PenguinLord · 05/04/2024 10:25

From my side- imagine Im a friend and someone invited me to go to see something, I agree, and then they say- sorry I got back with my ex, f* off. Not nice. I get why he does not want to do this, and it's not about putting another woman over your feelings. I think it's a bit shitty to uninvite people because circumstances change.
He should have given you the tickets at the time, but he didnt and you broke up. He made other arrangements and regardless if you are still together uninvisitn the friend would not be on- she is not to blame for his behaviour.

What he should have done:
a) offer for you to go with the friend :P
b) buy a new set of tickets and take you

But really based on how you decribe him... Id just break up with him again and never let him back in your life.

PenguinLord · 05/04/2024 10:26

Also- just get a pair of tickets and take a friend if you have childcare sorted! You can get really cheap good tickets for West End shows these days!

sandyhappypeople · 05/04/2024 10:47

He won't change OP, I think all of this talk about tickets is just an unnecessary distraction from the more important issue.

You know in your heart of hearts that he isn't the right person for you, you tried to stick it out after it became unbearable.. you shouldn't EVER have to do this, the right person will love and respect you no matter what you're history is, they won't judge you or pressure you to do things you don't want to do, or sulk when they don't get their own way.. when people like him promise to change, they are only doing that to tell you what you want to hear, they can't actually change their personality, it's either in them or it's not.

His behaviour will only get worse as he wears you down, while you think you are changing him, he is actually changing you, and by the time you realise, the damage will already be done. If you've got your own kids to think about, please don't accept anything other than honesty, kindness and respect in a partner, no matter what you think, you are worth so much more then what he is capable of offering you.

beAsensible1 · 05/04/2024 11:12

I don't think he's wrong, you guys broke up. for some reason he didn't give you the tickets, so he chose to rearrange.

I don't think insinuating that he's trying to date his friend is a great shout, or that he doesn't want to cancel on her last minute after I imagine she made plans based on the outing and probably agreed to be a supportive friend.

These things happen when you break up. Start with a clean slate,

DrDavidStarKey · 05/04/2024 11:20

Nanny0gg · 04/04/2024 19:04

Then he could have given them to you

This. The correct thing to do was to give you the tickets irrespective of the break up.

If he was decent, he would have mailed you the tickets.

If he was half decent, on discovering he couldn't get a refund, he would have mailed you the tickets.

Because he is a turd, he has arranged what he has arranged and told you to suck it up.

LTB.

TheBestEverMouse · 05/04/2024 11:23

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

This man is not the right one for you. He sounds like a hard work arsehole.

Mother87 · 05/04/2024 12:01

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2024 17:22

Why had he kept hold of his birthday present to you?

Both tickets are yours.

He shouldn't have been the one to find a replacement person. That should have been you.

This!

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