Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

[Pookie21]

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

Op you are not ready to be in a relationship at this moment.

You have too much going on right now to focus on the work you need to do with regards to intimate relationships in general.

unfortunately you have a piss poor excuse for a man and I honestly think the relationship has run it’s course.

the pushing at your one boundary then him crying because of it is manipulative and you can’t heal fully with this man in your life. He will keep your mental health in a perpetual loop, unsure and unstable and you’ll stagnate.

this ticket situation is the tip of a very murky iceberg.

Your birthday was Jan. the gift should’ve been given to you but it wasn’t and now it’s become some test for control.

given your timeline

He did have time to rescind the invite to the friend.

he did have time to give her the tickets and back out of the show completely citing your rekindled relationship.

he did have time to tell you the tickets were gone to stop any confusion.

He did none of these things. All would’ve been acceptable.

instead he’s going with another woman, telling you about it, knowing it was your gift you get no say in. I see this as a test of what he can get away with.

Oh dear. He really does sound terrible. Stuff the tickets and run...

@Pookie21

So he’s a gaslighter, emotionally manipulative, and pushes your perfectly reasonable sexual boundaries after you’ve been abused?

YABU to go near him.

All those changes you asked for, none of them have come to fruition. He is exactly the person he was first time round, and it's unlikely he will change.

If I was you, I'd leave this guy and his theatre tickets behind, and move on!

clearly, he lied. I think you should just review the signs that this is a man who won’t prioritise you, nor does he care very much how you feel, and end it.

I really hope you end this relationship op. He has no respect for you whatsoever.

sorry I haven’t read everything on here, but I just want you to know that what you have been through, nobody should have to go through.

And no matter how tough if it is to realise you deserve better than what has happened to you, you DO deserve better. It may feel like how he treats you is what you think you should put up with, but this is just the beginning of your healing process and understanding what you need to get on with your life.

im not making sense due to a glass or 2 of wine, but feel free to DM me and we can have a heart to heart xx

another thing to add, whilst whatever he is doing isn’t necessarily him ‘choosing’ another woman over you. He isn’t understanding priorities or realising how lucky he is to be with you. And that is way worse than being single!

Your birthday present, your tickets. He is very unreasonable and to be honest OP he doesn't sound very kind or caring. He should never have been fishing round for someone to go with when they were both your tickets.

Also please do not minimise the fact that he lied to you about how it comes to be this woman he's taking rather than any other friend. He is not on your side, he is not loyal to you.

Tickets are a massive red herring here. He has treated you appallingly.

OP the reason you're confused is because you are focussing on the tickets. Take a step back and look at all the wider issues posters have identified and it will all become clear. He's a nasty, selfish piece of work.

Forget the tickets. He's made it clear what he's doing, so write it off. And at the same time write him off. He doesn't love you. He proves it regularly. So get rid before he creates even more 'conditions' for you to be together which will result in you becoming a shell of yourself and experience even more trauma (which by the sound of it could also be sexual).

It was Les Mis not Frozen, but Let It Go.

Yes he should have let you have the tickets when you split but he didn’t.

No, he’s given the ticket away and snd should NOT ask his friend to step down. Either he steps down and you take his place or he gives you a different gift.

Might be an unpopular take but I think he's only partly in the wrong. You say "he got us tickets", so one for you and one for him, not two for you to take someone else with you. Imo it would be morally correct of him to give you YOUR ticket when you broke up and then do whatever with his ticket (get a refund, resell, etc). Also the fact that you knew of the gift plays the role: you knew about the tickets, so giving you yours would be the right thing to do. Had it been a surprise you knew nothing about, he could do whatever to both: get a refund for both, take a friend with him, give you yours etc. But this wasn't the case here and you knew about the tickets so you were actually entitled to get one. I don't think you were entitled to get both, though, as the second one was supposed to be his. YANBU given the situation, but same goes to some of the mumsnetters imo.

He is not your person

Everything you are writing OP suggests that he is not right for you and he is demonstrating that. What further clarification do you need?

He should of sent you the tickets not tried to get a refund

He should be prioritising you. Not his friend

Examples of not putting you first. At a time he really should be.

This.

If you gave him a birthday present, would you take it back and give it to someone else when you split up? Of course not.

Fuck no. Dump this cunt.

Ditch him.

He’s throwing the OP on the fire to keep himself warm! If he had true integrity he’d explain to his friend that he’d made a mistake (I would understand if I were the friend), give both tickets to the OP for her to take whom she pleases to the theatre with HER birthday gift!

There's clearer bigger issues here than these tickets lbut honestly op given the conditions you set when you got back together he sounds awful and the impact its had on you has been pretty big dont let him do that to you again.

But they were her birthday present!! You don’t take back a present because you broke up.

@Pookie21 , don’t worry about that comment. Nothing has made you sound like hard work, and if you’ve repeated the same phrases, it’s only because people have asked you the exact same questions.

But you could definitely file this thread under “tell me you’ve been in an abusive relationship without telling me you’ve been in an abusive relationship.” I think a lot of the things your boyfriend did were unforgivable, no matter how sorry he is, and in truth, sometimes an apology just means closure; it doesn’t mean that it’s worth trying again. His way of dealing with the issues you still carry from your SA is… I don’t have words. No one in the history of the world has ever healed from SA by being emotionally blackmailed into healing. So him crying, or sulking, or being pissed off couldn’t be less helpful. If he cared and was actually worried that you didn’t seem to be getting any better, he would recommend trauma therapy, or at least Google how to help someone who has SA in your household.

But I think the main problem is that your boyfriend is emotionally abusive and you don’t quite understand that. Maybe you’ve been in relationships that were physically abusive, so it seems better than that, or ones that were emotionally abusive that involved screaming in your face or the silent treatment for days or something that was worse to you than this boyfriend. But it doesn’t make what he’s doing less abusive - emotionally punishing you because you had to rest from the pain for a week after doing some activity with him; sulking and being upset because your son’s SURGERY RECOVERY! took longer than expected. And of course, the cherry on top: he’s promised to change, you’re back together, and he’s already lied to you about asking a mutual friend to go to the musical before he asked E, and he was a completely selfish asshole about your friend being severely injured last weekend. He’s shown you who he is; it’s time to believe him.

I know it’ll suck to miss the musical, but let him go with whoever he wants, and don’t see him ever again, would be my advice. You deserve so much more, OP. You deserve to be loved, and respected, and most of all, supported. Good luck.

No I don't think he is in the wrong. He made different arrangements and is now honouring his obligation.

Well if you're not telling people that you are back together I can see why he doesn't want to fuss with changing his plans.

I think he should have given you the tickets though.

All of that said, get rid of the revolting creep & buy yourself a ticket to Les Mis!

Please finish with this guy. You sound a nice person and you deserve someone better.