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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

289 replies

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:54

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

OP posts:
MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/04/2024 17:28

You broke up, he invited someone else. He's not in the wrong.

Maybe not be so childish to be on/off with your boyfriend?

Createausername1970 · 04/04/2024 17:40

The tickets were originally a birthday present to you.

You then split up, he tried to get a refund but couldn't so he made alternative arrangements.

You have now got back together, but he is sticking with the alternative arrangements.

Well, on the basis that they were bought for you, then really he should have given them to you at the time, so you should be using them now.

But for some reason they weren't in your possession when you split up. Had you not got back together then you still wouldn't have been going.

I am undecided on this one. I can totally see where you are coming from, but I can also see that if he made alternative arrangements, then he doesn't want to let them down.

SoupDragon · 04/04/2024 17:40

MeMyCatsAndMyBooks · 04/04/2024 17:28

You broke up, he invited someone else. He's not in the wrong.

Maybe not be so childish to be on/off with your boyfriend?

Of course he's in the wrong! The tickets were hers!

stealthninjamum · 04/04/2024 17:40

When you broke up did he offer to give you both tickets to do what you wanted with? If he did and you declined then I can see why he’d offer one to a friend and wouldn’t want to retract it.

But if he never gave them to you then I would say he is unreasonable and I would be pissed off if I were you.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 17:52

Createausername1970 · 04/04/2024 17:40

The tickets were originally a birthday present to you.

You then split up, he tried to get a refund but couldn't so he made alternative arrangements.

You have now got back together, but he is sticking with the alternative arrangements.

Well, on the basis that they were bought for you, then really he should have given them to you at the time, so you should be using them now.

But for some reason they weren't in your possession when you split up. Had you not got back together then you still wouldn't have been going.

I am undecided on this one. I can totally see where you are coming from, but I can also see that if he made alternative arrangements, then he doesn't want to let them down.

Yes I’m kind of stuck with it to as I definitely see his side…but they are for my favourite musical, for us to go together, for my birthday present 😬 I think he could at least try to change arrangements with his friend, we split because of his behaviour- it was just that I did the breaking up.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 17:55

Forhecksake · 04/04/2024 16:57

Yikes. It would make me wonder if I had been too quick to get back with him.

Same, this is the second time he’s prioritised another woman friend over me & my feelings, when this happened last time he said he didn’t care enough about the whole situation to let it bother him so I should feel the same. I made it clear he had upset me & I felt my feelings were invalid to him but he just didn’t/wouldn’t get it so I think that’s also why this feels a bit ‘off’

OP posts:
HappiestSleeping · 04/04/2024 17:55

DemBonesDemBones · 04/04/2024 17:00

I think I'll be in the minority but I don't think he's in the wrong. You had broken up, he invited his friend. I think it actually shows he's a nice person not ditching his mate to take you now you're back together.

This 👆

Fuzziduck · 04/04/2024 17:56

They are your tickets.
Worst case, you should go with her.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 17:58

stealthninjamum · 04/04/2024 17:40

When you broke up did he offer to give you both tickets to do what you wanted with? If he did and you declined then I can see why he’d offer one to a friend and wouldn’t want to retract it.

But if he never gave them to you then I would say he is unreasonable and I would be pissed off if I were you.

Edited

No, he didn’t. We split up towards the end of Jan, started talking again mid feb & started seeing each other again early March so he’s had plenty of time to raise it, I just assumed he’d got a refund or we’d still be going together which is why I didn’t raise it

OP posts:
RickyGervaislovesdogs · 04/04/2024 17:58

Did he give the tickets to you? Im
confused. They were your gift, but he had them? Did you give them back?

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:01

DemBonesDemBones · 04/04/2024 17:00

I think I'll be in the minority but I don't think he's in the wrong. You had broken up, he invited his friend. I think it actually shows he's a nice person not ditching his mate to take you now you're back together.

I completely see your point which is why I’m asking for advice as I’m just not sure what is ‘right’, but for me the added thing of him getting us tickets for my birthday present to my favourite musical is what makes the situation a bit complicated 😬

OP posts:
NCA24 · 04/04/2024 18:03

This would be the hill that I died on. How did he take it upon himself to give away your birthday present?

Noodlesmumm · 04/04/2024 18:03

DemBonesDemBones · 04/04/2024 17:00

I think I'll be in the minority but I don't think he's in the wrong. You had broken up, he invited his friend. I think it actually shows he's a nice person not ditching his mate to take you now you're back together.

Agree with th8s x

stealthninjamum · 04/04/2024 18:05

Thanks for answering my question, I think he should’ve given you the tickets and not made other plans. If he’d given you an object like a necklace he wouldn’t have asked for it back so to me this is the same.

i would be rethinking the relationship (again!)

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:05

harriethoyle · 04/04/2024 17:05

I agree @DemBonesDemBones - bearing in mind the present was in Jan, you then broke up for 6 weeks so at least mid Feb I'm not surprised he made alternative plans. YABU.

So he got the tickets early Jan for my birthday mid Jan, we split towards the end of Jan (I did the breaking up but it was 90% because of his behaviour). We started talking mid feb & seeing each other again early March, so we were actually only not talking for 3 weeks. I just assumed we’d still be going together which is why I hadn’t raised it, especially since the tickets were my main present for my favourite musical.

OP posts:
Shiningout · 04/04/2024 18:06

OK he doesn't wanna let his 'friend' down, so the solution is you take your ticket and go to see the musical as its your favourite and the tickets were brought for you. Have you suggested that??

EnglishBluebell · 04/04/2024 18:09

Yes you should get his ticket. You go with his friend. Then break up with him because he's a fool

AFmammaG · 04/04/2024 18:10

NCA24 · 04/04/2024 18:03

This would be the hill that I died on. How did he take it upon himself to give away your birthday present?

Same. I wouldn’t let this go, it was your present!

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:11

LouOver · 04/04/2024 17:06

If he thought you weren't getting back together then he's not in the wrong for inviting a friend who has now made her plans.

But 1. If I was the friend now going would feel weird and would probably step aside.

  1. Is he getting you a new birthday gift?

He did send me other gifts (we live apart), but the tickets were purchased early Jan (before my actual birthday) as we had to arrange work/kids etc & were my main present for my favourite musical. We were only not talking for 3 weeks (end of Jan to mid feb) and started seeing each other again early march so I’m also wondering did he arrange this in those 3 weeks, or since we were back talking & why he hasn’t told me as I have childcare all sorted

OP posts:
BCBird · 04/04/2024 18:11

I think it shows he has integrity. He has made arrangements and is not going to cancel his friend. You might feel uncomfortable, but that dies not mean he should sack off his friend.

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2024 18:13

Why did you get back together?

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 04/04/2024 18:13

What did you think would happen while you were broken up?
Did you think he would go or were you planning to?

I'd be annoyed as they are yours but if he kept them as part of you splitting up, I can see why he asked someone else. Any decent boyfriend would unask the friend with apologies to friend.

SwordToFlamethrower · 04/04/2024 18:14

Deal breaker for me! Dump him! His priorities are fucked

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:15

Riverlee · 04/04/2024 17:08

How recently did you mention going to the show again? If only in the last few days, then he’s not unreasonable.

I haven’t raised it as I assumed we’d still be going together? He got the tickets early Jan (bc we both had to arrange work/kids) before my birthday, split up end of Jan, started talking mid feb & got back together early march so he’s had plenty of time to tell me that he wanted to use both tickets- if he did arrange this in those 3 weeks or even after that surely the decent thing to do would be to tell me?

OP posts:
Springisroundthecorner · 04/04/2024 18:17

Go with his friend!