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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

289 replies

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:54

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 04/04/2024 22:17

OP considering your updates, bollocks to him and bollocks to the tickets.

You can free yourself from this headfuck immediately. He obviously hasn't changed, he's still lying. You could text him now and end it.

He isn't the right guy for you, he really isn't. This is not a good relationship.

You sound lovely Op, you really don't deserve this arsehole making your life worse.

5128gap · 04/04/2024 22:19

He should give both tickets to his friend so she can go with someone else then buy something else for you for your birthday.

Zanatdy · 04/04/2024 22:19

I don’t think he’s done anything wrong either, they were a gift and difficult for him to say sorry back with the gf you’re not needed now. I can see why you’re upset about it though

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 04/04/2024 22:26

OH that's my favourite favourite favourite musical - seen it several times !

I can't see why the two of you have got back together.

AND i think you should finish with him, forever.

him persuading you to remove one of your boundaries is unacceptable - to say the least.

there are decent men out there, find one and toss this one back !

Gonnagetgoingreturnsagain · 04/04/2024 22:26

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 17:55

Same, this is the second time he’s prioritised another woman friend over me & my feelings, when this happened last time he said he didn’t care enough about the whole situation to let it bother him so I should feel the same. I made it clear he had upset me & I felt my feelings were invalid to him but he just didn’t/wouldn’t get it so I think that’s also why this feels a bit ‘off’

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Second time?! Fool me once, maybe, fool me twice, no way José. LTB

Nanaof1 · 04/04/2024 22:28

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

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And he is NOT listening to you or hearing what you say. He is NOT being more caring or empathetic, but, he IS still emotionally and mentally manipulating you.

It seems his words are as empty as his mind.

Itloggedmeoutagain · 04/04/2024 22:28

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:14

He lied & exaggerated stuff, refused to respect my one bedroom rule (due to a SA which I told him I would work on), gaslit me about events/conversations/his and my feelings, manipulated my emotions so he got to play the victim, cried because my SA upset him, broke arrangements, made me feel guilty for not being very available when he was (when my son was recovering from surgery, unfortunately this wasn’t the 6 weeks I was told so I understand this must have been hard for him but completely out of mine/my sons control), sulked when an activity he arranged for us was too much for me physically & I needed a week to rest/recover from the pain/exhaustion as he’d got a few days off work & I couldn’t see him - even though we had no arrangements. Unfortunately, because things got too much for me but I really didn’t want to break up & wanted to believe him when he said he’d work on things I wasn’t myself the last bit of our relationship and as I’m the one that ended things he can now throw that at me, that he’s so hurt etc. he didn’t hear me, or listen to me.
BUT, he promised me he would really try, he actually authentically apologised (instead of his usual ‘I’m sorry you feel that way’) took responsibility for his actions & finally made me feel like he appreciated me as a person/gf.
I found my friend unconscious with a head injury, bleeding on the floor on Saturday & although he will be find thank god, understandably I’ve not been myself, I’ve kind of shut down emotionally & he has been soooo unsupportive (he was there, but extremely drunk & his reaction is ‘he’s fine’ about our friend, mine is different as I’d only had a couple of drinks & as I found him I had to check his breathing, call people for help, call 999, stay with my friend & his wife) yet tonight because he has a cold he’s telling me how unwell he feels, how hard work has been for him & I just don’t have it in me to comfort him even though I want to, I just can’t right now especially given how unsupportive he’s been.

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The tickets really are the least of your worries

moolady1977 · 04/04/2024 22:32

My exbf did that , he bought me tickets for a band I love for my birthday but he bought them for the wrong day and when I said I'd have to sort out the day off from work he phoned his then exgf and ended up taking her . Just one of many reasons he became an ex

MillshakePickle · 04/04/2024 22:35

taylorswift1989 · 04/04/2024 22:16

You're confused because a good and loving boyfriend would not take back a gift. A good and loving boyfriend would not take another woman on a date to your favourite show.

But for some reason, he has convinced you that he is a good and loving boyfriend, so your perceptions must somehow be confused or wrong.

OP, this man is not a good and loving person. He is abusive. He broke your "bedroom rule" - in other words, he assaulted or coerced you sexually. He treated you so poorly that you became physically ill. He has been gaslighting you so intensely that you are struggling to see what should be obvious: that he's an abusive dickhead and you need to end this relationship for your own good.

He's showing you that he hasn't changed. He won't change. Those were just words he said to get you back and keep you under control.

Do you want to spend more months and years feeling ill because this man treats you so poorly? He won't change for the better. You're the one who's going to have to make the change to protect yourself and your kids.

I can't echo this enough.

His manipulation will erode what's left of your self esteem and self worth.

He's also continuing to manipulate you and emotionally batter you by "choosing" another woman over you. Knowing exactly what he's doing. He could have told you at any other point before this he was going with someone else but waited to do it knowing your mind is elsewhere.

And I have no doubt he will try to Convince you that, because you're upset about your friend you over reacted etc etc etc

I would think long and hard about whether this relationship has a future. He hasn't changed, he's changed you and moved your boundaries to suit his needs.

7yo7yo · 04/04/2024 22:35

If they are your birthday gift then surely both tickets belong to you and you decide who goes?
Do he’s took his gift back?
do yourself a favour and value yourself more op. Dump this twit, you’re worth more. Be single for a bit. Sort your self out. And stick to your boundaries. He had no right to sulk because your son took longer to recover than you thought. He also shouldn’t push your bedroom boundaries.

marmaladeandpeanutbutter · 04/04/2024 22:37

I agree @7yo7yo . The description of the split and getting back together conversation is bad enough regardless of the tickets.

Iaskedyouthrice · 04/04/2024 22:37

Why are you worrying about these tickets? You have got back with an abuser, please leave this absolute shit stain.

alrightjackie · 04/04/2024 22:39

When you broke up, he should have made arrangements to give you both tickets. That would have shown integrity. The fact that he didn't make that move would have been a strike against reconciling.

You decided to get back with him anyway though.

As he instead kept the tickets and gave one away, the best action in that shitty situation would be to honour that gift, tell the friend, and buy a third ticket for the same night, so you could all go.

Many friends in that situation would say, you know what, why don't you just go with your girlfriend after all, and I'll sit this one out? But he should make the offer to her. It's the class move.

The three tickets won't be together at this point, so the two of you will be sat together for your birthday treat anyway. She'll be elsewhere in the venue.

LIZS · 04/04/2024 22:43

Has he sold her the ticket or is he treating her, so on a par with your birthday? He is prioritising her feelings over yours, and has no intention of losing face . Not a keeper. Start afresh and get help for your traumatic experience.

Jk987 · 04/04/2024 22:52

You lost me at 'main present'! However would you feel differently if his friend was male?

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/04/2024 22:54

He sounds really horrible. I think you would be much better off without him.

And the tickets belong to you just as if he'd bought you a new jacket - he wouldn't feel free to give that to someone else would he?

But it's not worth fighting him over it. Dump him and consider it the price you have to pay for your freedom.

Anele22 · 04/04/2024 22:54

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:15

I haven’t raised it as I assumed we’d still be going together? He got the tickets early Jan (bc we both had to arrange work/kids) before my birthday, split up end of Jan, started talking mid feb & got back together early march so he’s had plenty of time to tell me that he wanted to use both tickets- if he did arrange this in those 3 weeks or even after that surely the decent thing to do would be to tell me?

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You also had plenty of time to check he still had the tickets, before organising your childcare. He could just have easily returned them for theatre credit.

And to be honest if I spent £100 (£200?) on theatre tickets to take a boyfriend and he broke up with me I'd also keep the tickets.

alrightjackie · 04/04/2024 22:58

Anele22 · 04/04/2024 22:54

You also had plenty of time to check he still had the tickets, before organising your childcare. He could just have easily returned them for theatre credit.

And to be honest if I spent £100 (£200?) on theatre tickets to take a boyfriend and he broke up with me I'd also keep the tickets.

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For context, the cheap seats are £25 each. The best tickets are £150 each!

Les Mis is a hugely popular show, so it doesn't really get discounted.

UncomfortablyBig882 · 04/04/2024 23:08

They are not his tickets. They are YOUR tickets, it was his present for YOUR birthday.

He doesn't sound very nice anyway. Men don't change OP. They might even believe themselves when they say they will change, but they don't.

Bin him. Permanently.

Dweetfidilove · 04/04/2024 23:12

@Pookie21 , you have to let him go again.
He's still not being considerate of your feelings. You’re still doubting yourself, and he’s showing you that he won’t make room to accommodate you if it doesn’t suit him. He could’ve sent you the tickets with your other presents and now you’re stuck in this situation with him doing one thing and you wanting another.
You will crumble under the weight of this madness, so please untangle yourself permanently.

You say you’ve always been mistreated in relationships plus you’ve just experienced a traumatic event. Your focus now should be therapy/counselling or a programme of some sort to build yourself up. Step away from this unhealthy relationship, and channel your energy into getting to a better place for you and your children.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 04/04/2024 23:15

MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 21:46

So he has badgered you for a certain sex act that you don't like doing because of abuse and now you think he's a good guy because he's stopped badgering you (only because you've agreed to do it anyway despite your trauma)
No, this isn't normal in a relationship. Not by any means.

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OP you're focusing on something that's unclear with the tickets when you have this much bigger red flag going on. As someone who had sex in a relationship when I didn't want to I can say this is going to mess with your head and eat away at your self esteem. He hasn't changed, he's never going to prioritise you and he is willing to walk all over your feelings no matter how much it harms you. I hope the tickets are the last time he screws you over because you leave and don't look back.

Greenfluffycardi · 04/04/2024 23:16

DemBonesDemBones · 04/04/2024 17:00

I think I'll be in the minority but I don't think he's in the wrong. You had broken up, he invited his friend. I think it actually shows he's a nice person not ditching his mate to take you now you're back together.

Completely agree. If he were taking a male friend would you feel the same? However as they were a gift to you really they’re yours.

WillJeSuis · 04/04/2024 23:17

Let him have the tickets and run for the flipping hills.

Copperoliverbear · 04/04/2024 23:18

Why did you even get back with him, he's a piss taking loser.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 04/04/2024 23:20

I initially thought he didn't do anything wrong. If I buy someone tickets then I physically give them those tickets as their present. He didn't so they remained his property. Its also unfair to cancel on a friend, female or not.

I was going to suggest he either see if a seat next to them was available or book again with you.

Looking at Your updates... he's still manipulating you and you would be better to be rid of him and his tickets.

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