Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

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My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

No, of course not, but all men like/want this & henow knows & understands he can’t ask me, touch me on the top of my head or hint at this act/other things similar and I’ve said I am prepared to work on my boundaries with this because I want to get over the SA & do it and I know he likes it, and I am starting to enjoy it so I honestly don’t understand what is wrong with that?
I get people thinking less of him because how he was in the past but he really has changed that behaviour because I told him that was not acceptable, kind or helpful. I don’t mean to sound stupid but he’s the only man who has taken in what I’m saying (even after mistakes in the past, yes) and changed his behaviour to make me more comfortable

No, he asked how best to help support & be there for me emotionally if I’m struggling

He’s trying to change. Like me, he went through a lot of shit at the end of his marriage & whereas I’m 9 years away from that, he is only 2 so as long as I feel ok with the situation I’m ok supporting him. He is trying, he wants to be there for me so wants to know more about me and how I work because I tend to smile through everything, not show my real feelings and pretend everything is ok & he has asked me to try & be more open & vunerable so we can connect more. It IS hard for me due to how my ex husband weaponised my MH but I also know for us to have a future I do have to show him more of the real me, it’s very difficult when we don’t live together & are separated by 80 miles as a lot of our relationship is over text/call/voicenote and I truly feel if we eg lived together and he saw more of the real me he’d do it more naturally. I know it’s not perfect, but what relationship is?

I totally agree, it’s a conversation we will have in person- I know how he works so I need to talk to him about how he would feel if it were the other way around. I don’t want to play ‘tit for tat’ but he’s only recently learning it’s ok to have/show emotions so pretends to himself he doesn’t care much, doesn’t get jealous- when actually, he’s a very emotional (& jealous) person, so I need to think about how best to reach him, not make him feel he’s pushed into a corner & make sure we can both have an open, honest conversation

I don't understand. Hes using your birthday gift on someone else? Quickly organized a replacement didn't he.

I'm sorry, im commenting again, because I've read all your replies and he's worse than I thought. He's made you feel bad about your SA? And made you agree to work on it? This man has not changed in the month you were apart. You dumped him for a reason, and took him back based on him changing. But he hasn't changed, he still did the things you dumped him for and now hes doing this. I dont even know you, but can tell you are worth more than him. Hes either trying to make you jealous or is just selfish to the bone. I've done some shit in my time, but in a million years and a million universes I dont think I'd be able to sit through a show, with another dude, knowing my lover was at home, who I bought the tickets for and was sat wondering what the show was like and if I was having a good time. It really wouldn't take much to find better than this guy.

Erm you broke up and the tickets were for both of you so he could have given you one or chosen to keep it as he paid and correctly asked someone else to go instead so it wasn't wasted. I wouldn't give a person a birthday gift after splitting.

You'd keep the gift you already bought them before their birthday, and you split up after the birthday? And organise a replacement guest within 3 weeks and then not tell them when getting back together?

I look at it like if he handed over an item for your present, say a bracelet, he presumably wouldn’t have asked for it back and given it to someone else? No it would have stayed with OP, unless she gave it back in the circumstances. To me the principle of the actual giving of a gift stays the same.

Like OP has said, she didn’t ask for his Xmas gift back.

But I agree with pp that the bigger picture is his behaviour especially in regards to being respectful of your feelings about how your sexual relationship looks like. How well he treats you and prioritises you (or not) is much more important.

OP, your boundaries really need work. You have made excuse after excuse for this shit bag. Honestly, no relationship is perfect, but this, what you’ve put up with already, is not normal.

Another time I read a thread and wonder how we teach women proper boundaries so shitbags like this man don’t get their claws in.

This is really quite distressing to read, OP.

This man has been sexually coercing and abusing you. Telling yourself that it's normal and you're starting to like it is you gaslighting yourself.

You do not have to do anything sexually that you don't want to do. A loving partner accepts that there are certain sex acts that their partner isn't into, for whatever reason. They don't bully you, persuade you, or even allow you to persuade yourself. A good partner isn't interested in you forcing yourself to do something you feel uncomfortable about for their sake. A good partner would just take that off the table altogether and find things that you both like instead.

Please take a step back from this. You've described how broken down this man made you feel for months. If he's going to change, it will be a long and slow process involving a lot of professional support. People don't change just because they say they will. Or even just because they want to change. Are you going to sacrifice your emotional wellbeing, sexual comfort, and physical health to this man just because he promises to change?

Quite honestly OP all of this angst over a long distance relationship, seems rather ridiculous the more I think about it. How often do you actually see this man? How long is it since you became a couple? I just can't help thinking that you're putting in an awful lot of mental effort into a man who you seem to barely know. If you're not even living together, why are you so desperate to keep 'working' on it? If you have to 'work' on a relationship before you've even made a decision to live together, it really isn't a relationship that's worth having. After all, with 80 miles between you, you can't possibly know what he gets up to when you're not around, and this friend who he's already been out with, and who he was planning to take to the show, using YOUR birthday present, could actually be someone that he sees far more than he does you, after all, if they're just friends she should understand the situation, and he shouldn't feel the need to take her out for a day because he's cancelled the plans. He could perhaps offer to buy her a ticket for a show that she would like to go to, to make up for any disappointment, but if he were to do that, then he definitely shouldn't even think of going with her. For all you know, they could be having a relationship behind your back which you don't have a clue about. In my opinion, the best thing you can do for your mental health, (which you don't even trust him enough to tell him about it), is to end it, and find someone closer to home, who you can truly get to know and trust.

@taylorswift1989 couldn't agree more. "Starting to like it" so at some point you disliked it and he was happy with that. His sexual gratification and getting his rocks off, comes before your comfort and boundaries. How did this agreement even materials??

Bf- id really like a blow job
Op- actually I'm not into that based on past trauma and SA
Bf- oh go on! ????

Worse still hes got you thinking its a good idea. So you broke up because he's an abusive, manipulative gaslighter, you've taken him back on the pretense of changed behaviour. He hasn't changed and is taking another woman out on your date! So you're changing your sexual boundaries to suit him and hes done nowt. This man is a svengali.

It's a lot of talking and you still arent getting your birthday gift and he is still taking another woman out.

That's the bottom line.

My boundaries would be to tell him to fuck right off because o deserve first place. Not third after him and his friend. And I wouldnt beg for it. The relationship would be over because he simply isnt good enough for me.

You are not winning anything here. Its not fun is it? Please break the cycle, you deserve so much more

^^ This.

You got back together on the promise of changed behaviour.
You don't need to fuss and fight and force and beg. Just state your needs and your boundaries clearly and calmly.
Then observe if his behaviour has actually changed. If he takes this woman to your birthday gift or he makes it up to her in a way that has the two of them spending time alone together, he is not prioritising you the way he promised he would.
If he doesn't follow through with his promises they're just empty words.

And on the sexual side, it may well be something he enjoys but you don't, in that case you're not sexually compatible and it could even be a deal breaker if he doesn't want to go without that sexual act but under no circumstances should he coerce or pressure you.

we are going to watch the show together now. I saw him yesterday & spoke to him about ‘making it up’ to his friend & explained if we are completely together & committed to each other I’m very uncomfortable with him spending alone time with a single woman, especially as she’s new new friend who I don’t know. I flipped it back to how he would feel if it were the other way around & he started by saying of course he wouldn’t care/get jealous…then admitted yes, he would hate it.
I truly think he just doesn’t Naturally think situations Through, past how they make HIM feel (& a lot of that is confusing for him given his upbringing & showing no emotion) but he does listen, even if it takes a minute.
I said yesterday how I’m doing all the things he asked me to work on, yet last week when he had a chance to put into practice him showing he cared etc he didn’t, and obviously that hurt. That I feel it’s unfair me doing the work & him not so much because both our situations are difficult/not natural (eg phone calls bearing in mind I hate talking on the phone) to us but I’m STILL trying & even though I’ve said how important the empathy & care is to me, he’s not trying.
he understood, apologised & said he really will try. I’ve backed off emotionally a bit from supporting him as I feel I get very little back, but I think I actually need to support him more to show him how nice it feels to have someone in your corner & the difference someone showing they are there for you (even if there’s very few tangible things that person can do) feels good to him so he needs to learn how to do it back - I’m prepared to wait for this as long as he is trying & listens & grows.

also, due to work/kid schedules, we see each other for a couple of days a week, it’s not perfect but the best we can do right now. I know he is faithful, in my heart I know he shows me he cares in his own way (eg buying a mattress topper bc his bed is hard for me, always having a bottle of my favourite drink & food when I’m at his, buying extra plugs for me to charge my phone easily, bringing down my favourite cookies when he comes) I know they might seem insignificant but to me that’s him showing he does listen/take notice of things I do & say.

he is a good man, yes he is flawed but so am I, especially at our age.

How old actually are you OP? Why do you feel this makes a difference to the way he should treat you?

There isn't any hope for you OP if after writing down everything he has said and done and read people's replies you think he is a "good man". You need therapy for your BPD to help understand why you think having a man who is bad for you is better than having no man at all

I agree with @DemBonesDemBones
Unfortunately he didn't physically give you the tickets so he was able to ask someone else to go instead.
You did break up for 6 weeks, I think YABU

Oh OP. You gave him another chance to show that he's willing to work on the relationship and do the things he promised to do. As soon as the opportunity arose to put his words into practice, he let you down.

He doesn't 'naturally' think about other people. So naturally he's selfish and self-centered. But you think your love will change him. You think if you do even MORE for him it will inspire him to do more for you.

I could save you the time and the mental and emotional breakdown by telling you what is obvious to everyone except you: he doesn't give a shit. He's not DOING anything because he doesn't care to. He knows that all he needs to do is to SAY that he cares and is going to change, and you'll step in and fill all the gaps for him. He's shown you over and over again who he is. You should believe him.

Protect yourself. Work on yourself. Spend some time single. Do the Freedom program. Get some therapy. Make some friends. Find a hobby. Work out what makes you happy and then go back to dating when you have more of a sense of yourself and more to lose by taking up with narcissistic and abusive liars.

I'm afraid I'll have to leave the topic there. Its far too sad to hear someone be grateful for their partner being coerced into doing the right thing he should have done in the first place.

he is a good man, yes he is flawed but so am I, especially at our age.

My god. I cannot stress this enough. This man is not a good man. This man is shit. You need therapy and to raise your bar.

👏🏼

Please stop accepting crumbs.

They weren’t his to invite someone else to!

he gave them to you for your birthday so they were yours, you should have in that time have been the one who invited someone else!

so if he had given you a pair of trainers would he have given them to friend during your break up? No because once he had given you your gift it became yours.