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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

289 replies

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:54

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

OP posts:
hot2trotter · 04/04/2024 21:33

I'm sorry OP but you sound like hard work.

How many times are you gonna say they were my main present / it's my favourite musical / we don't live together etc. You are just repeating yourself. It's weird.

You've listed a ton of reasons why you broke up in the first place and I honestly can't see this lasting long term.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:34

WhamBamThankU · 04/04/2024 20:19

What was said when he told you he was taking his friend instead?

He said he didn’t know if I remembered that next weekend was the date for the theatre, I said I did, so he said well as we weren’t together and I couldn’t get a refund I asked my male friends, then a mutual female friend (which I’ve found out is untrue, he never asked her) and that eventually he found E that would go with him, that’s ok isn’t it because we weren’t together?
due to a traumatic event at the weekend finding my friend unconscious on the floor bleeding with a head injury my head is kind of numb at the moment so I just said ok, should I be worried about him going with E, he said no, they were at event together Sunday (I’d stayed at his after the event sat night but left for home sun morning) the other 2 friends going didn’t go so it was just them but it was a huge event. He didn’t tell me this but also I didn’t ask. It took me processing it last night after he left & this morning to realise I was uncomfortable with it. My brain & emotions are in a bit of slow motion atm.

OP posts:
Pinksnowstars · 04/04/2024 21:37

I just want to know if it’s wicked.

if it is, I’d ditch him again.

my husband does know that I love Wicked more than him though.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:38

Kassalah · 04/04/2024 20:55

Put a poll up

How do I do that please?

OP posts:
Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:40

FairFuming · 04/04/2024 21:04

Ask for the gifts you gave him back so you can give them to another friend... See how he likes that. The tickets aren't his. They were a gift to you that he kept out of spite. Why can't you have his ticket and go with the friend? Does she know you are back together? Does she know they were your birthday gift?

Only our very close friends know we are back together because we agreed to keep it between us whilst we work on things so no, I doubt she knows we are back together, I will ask him

OP posts:
Londonrach1 · 04/04/2024 21:41

Did he give you the tickets...strange he still has them. Totally agree with everyone though...he needs to stay an ex

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:44

GogAndMagog · 04/04/2024 21:06

He is in the wrong, a musical you loved, bought for you, as a gift so therefore YOURS and he's taking somebody else?

More worryingly, you say:

I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Why should you reduce your boundaries in the bedroom, what sort of man is this???

Surely that’s reasonable given it’s something he loves? He has listened by not asking for it & I have listened by doing it more but it’s my choice now as the pressure of him asking for it (etc) has stopped, that’s what you do in a relationship surely?

OP posts:
kkloo · 04/04/2024 21:44

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Show quote history

People can't change in 3 weeks.

He's going to listen to your boundaries in the bedroom? Does he see that as some kind of compromise that he won't try to coerce you or won't assault you? but in the meantime you have to work hard to reduce your boundaries.....no doubt within weeks or months he will be expecting improvement.

He's a bad guy OP.
He really is.

You said you became very unwell because of this, do you want that to be permanent? Because women are far more likely than men to develop autoimmune issues as a result of prolonged stress. There have been many posts on here from women who left these kinds of relationships for good eventually but it was too late in some ways as they are now dealing with chronic illnesses.

UneFoisAuChalet · 04/04/2024 21:45

Sorry but if a woman posted about how she bought expensive tickets for her boyfriend’s birthday but he dumped her. She goes on to say that said tickets were on her phone and he didn’t physically have them, every single person on the thread would be saying ‘Fuck him - he dumped you! Invite Rose from the book club and post lots of pics on SM - show him what he’s missing!’ Everyone would be baying for his blood and telling OP how to extract revenge. Shoe on the other foot? Oh, if he told you about the tickets BEFORE your birthday their yours. AFTER your birthday - their his. And other complete nonsense.

OP dumped him. He didn’t owe her anything after that. Yes, they are back together but from all the updates, it seems rocky. Work on the relationship and make plans to see a much loved musical next year. If you get there.

MiltonNorthern · 04/04/2024 21:46

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:44

Surely that’s reasonable given it’s something he loves? He has listened by not asking for it & I have listened by doing it more but it’s my choice now as the pressure of him asking for it (etc) has stopped, that’s what you do in a relationship surely?

Show quote history

So he has badgered you for a certain sex act that you don't like doing because of abuse and now you think he's a good guy because he's stopped badgering you (only because you've agreed to do it anyway despite your trauma)
No, this isn't normal in a relationship. Not by any means.

Cattenberg · 04/04/2024 21:47

OP, I think your updates are worrying, especially this one. The tickets are a minor issue by comparison. I suggest you end the relationship for good and have some counselling before dating again. You don’t need an emotionally-manipulative man who ignores your boundaries.

Itsdeepitsblue · 04/04/2024 21:48

Has she paid for the ticket? If she has, then he has to take her really or refund her. If she hasn’t… then he just needs to tell her plans have changed! This would piss me off.

Cattenberg · 04/04/2024 21:50

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Show quote history

This was the update I meant to quote.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:50

HappiestSleeping · 04/04/2024 21:20

No need to be confused. None of our opinions really matter in all of this. If you are unhappy about the way this has panned out you need to tell him you are unhappy, why, and then potentially end it all again, depending on his response. If it does end, it should be permanently this time.

There are lots of permutations, but I suspect that if any poster here, including you, had purchased tickets for someone, and then got dumped by that person, they would undoubtedly keep the tickets to do with as they pleased.

Indeed, there are also permutations about what the dumped party should / should not have done, and what he should / should not do on the rekindling of the relationship. I think most of the posters here would have chosen an alternative option (myself included), however he didn't.

Your choices now appear to be to suck it up, or not. I rather think that this indecision is more about whether you actually think you did the right thing getting back together than it is about the tickets. Or at least as much to do with it.

Show quote history

That’s very fair and reading that makes a lot of sense.
I don’t ever trust my own feelings, years of physical & emotional abuse from my ex husband along with the standard ‘you’re crazy’ make me feel like I’m overreacting to little things. Plus I’m not feeling great mentally atm (which he knows, and makes me wonder did he choose yesterday to tell me because he thought I’d be more compliant as we spent 3 days together last week which was obviously plenty of time to talk)
I overthink & feel stuff too much so all the replies have been really helpful (well, apart from the one calling me a money grabbing narcissist) in helping me work through what I feel

OP posts:
KreedKafer · 04/04/2024 21:53

This isn’t about the tickets. There was a reason you split up in the first place, and now this is making you realise you shouldn’t have got back together with him.

DelilahsHaven · 04/04/2024 21:54

Having read all your posts, I don't think this relationship is very healthy for you.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:55

hot2trotter · 04/04/2024 21:33

I'm sorry OP but you sound like hard work.

How many times are you gonna say they were my main present / it's my favourite musical / we don't live together etc. You are just repeating yourself. It's weird.

You've listed a ton of reasons why you broke up in the first place and I honestly can't see this lasting long term.

I’ve just been replying to other people’s posts, don’t actually know what I’ve done wrong there except try to answer someone’s question & explain more of the circumstances when asked…not sure how that makes me hard work tbh.
also saying ‘I’m sorry’ before insulting someone is very rude, no one forced you to reply!!

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 04/04/2024 21:56

You were too quick to take him back. He treaded you terribly.

This relationship sounds like a ball of stress

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 21:58

cherish123 · 04/04/2024 21:30

What I don't understand is: if he gave the tickets to you as a present, why are they in his possession? Surely, when you broke up, you would have then have been able to arrange to go with someone else.

I never actually got the physical tickets, we arranged the date of the show early Jan, my birthday was mid Jan and we broke up end of Jan, as we started talking again mid feb & nothing was said until yesterday I just assumed we were still going together

OP posts:
KidsandKindness · 04/04/2024 22:00

I'm sorry you've been put in the situation OP, but quite honestly I don't think the tickets are the real issue here, I think it's the way he treats you. I get a definite feeling from what you've told us about his actual treatment of you, regarding the sexual assault, etc., that this man really is not the one for you. He truly doesn't understand how the sexual assault has made you feel, and once again has manipulated you into doing what he wants you to do in the bedroom, with his new rules as to how things should be between you if you were to get back together. Also, the fact that he doesn't appear to have taken on board how upset you are, at finding your friend badly injured and having to call for help, etc., which was understandable while he was drunk, but now that he's sober, he should be thinking about how this made you feel, and your concern for your injured friend etc. It actually doesn't sound like he has much empathy for you, and the only times he appears to be empathetic, is when he's trying to manipulate you into doing what HE wants you to do. Also, the fact that he went to an event at the weekend, with the same woman that he's now taking to YOUR birthday treat, would be worrying me a great deal, sounds like he's trying to have his cake and eat it to me OP, and that's the last thing you need by the sound of things. Dump him, and this time make it permanent, before he causes you even more damage.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 22:00

Pinksnowstars · 04/04/2024 21:37

I just want to know if it’s wicked.

if it is, I’d ditch him again.

my husband does know that I love Wicked more than him though.

Haha no, it’s not (sorry lol have seen it twice & loved it) it’s Les Mis 🙌

OP posts:
Liv999 · 04/04/2024 22:03

GreyCarpet · 04/04/2024 17:22

Why had he kept hold of his birthday present to you?

Both tickets are yours.

He shouldn't have been the one to find a replacement person. That should have been you.

This100% they're not his tickets

Dragonsandcats · 04/04/2024 22:04

I don’t think he values you. They were his present to you. He should have given you the tickets.

Topsyturvy78 · 04/04/2024 22:09

He bought the tickets as a gift for you. Even if you had split up the tickets weren't his to give away.

taylorswift1989 · 04/04/2024 22:16

You're confused because a good and loving boyfriend would not take back a gift. A good and loving boyfriend would not take another woman on a date to your favourite show.

But for some reason, he has convinced you that he is a good and loving boyfriend, so your perceptions must somehow be confused or wrong.

OP, this man is not a good and loving person. He is abusive. He broke your "bedroom rule" - in other words, he assaulted or coerced you sexually. He treated you so poorly that you became physically ill. He has been gaslighting you so intensely that you are struggling to see what should be obvious: that he's an abusive dickhead and you need to end this relationship for your own good.

He's showing you that he hasn't changed. He won't change. Those were just words he said to get you back and keep you under control.

Do you want to spend more months and years feeling ill because this man treats you so poorly? He won't change for the better. You're the one who's going to have to make the change to protect yourself and your kids.