Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

[Pookie21]

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

I think there are a couple of scenarios here, so to expand:-

1. If he bought tickets, gave them to you and then you broke up, then they are yours to do with as you please. I assume this didn't happen as we wouldn't be having this conversation.
2. He bought you tickets, told you about them, but then you dumped him. The tickets were not in your possession. I think this is where it all went wrong. As a PP said, he was hardly likely to call you up and say "you forgot your tickets", so he made alternate arrangements.

You made an assumption that everything would be back on just because you got back together. You know what happens when we assume. In this case it was an unsound assumption.

I think you are sore about it as he is going with a female friend. If he was going with a male friend, or his mum, I suspect you would be less sore. And also that you are missing out on a show you'd like to see, but some of this is a consequence of you dumping him. There are always consequences whether we like it or not.

I would add though, that, if I were him, I might well book two further tickets in order that he can take you as well. It depends on how much grovelling you did about dumping him and whether he thinks you are likely to do it again. My money is on him expecting you to which is why he hasn't dropped his friend. You can't blame him for being cautious.

You don't have to answer this, but what would you have done if the situation were reversed, and he'd dumped you?

I don't mean to sound harsh, but this is the reality of life. If it is meant to be, you'll navigate through it.

I think this too.

Then he could have given them to you

You've answered your own question.

He has kept YOUR present.
He has chosen to protect someone else's feeling over you.
He's chosen to ignore this for many weeks knowing he'd made other arrangements.

This is definitely the hill I'd die on.LTB.

Assuming you have no reason to suspect him and his friend are romantically interested in each other, YABU and the sex (gender?) or the person is irrelevant.

Imagine if you were the friend "My friend broke up with someone and asked me if I would go to an event with them instead of their ex, as the tickets were expensive and nonrefundable. He then ditched me off at the last minute, just because they got back together. I'm really disappointed as was excited to go, and I feel my friendship is really undervalued..."

He doesn't want to make his friend feel like shit, which I think is nice. I would do the same in his situation, although would make sure I did something really special for my partners birthday too.

He's a pig

Dump

What lol? Don't understand the logic here, or is there a typo?

We arranged the date to go together early Jan (due to arranging work/kids) & they were my main birthday present- we don’t live together so he did send me some other little gifts too for my actual birthday. We split end of Jan, started talking after seeing each other with friends on Valentine’s Day & got back together early March. So there were actually only 3 weeks we weren’t talking. I split up with him due to his behaviour (90% him, which he admits & takes responsibility for, his behaviour over the course of a few months actually made me very ill ) but he assured me he was willing to change these things & I also assured him I would also work hard on my responsibilities in our relationship. He doesn’t like musicals, he wanted to take me to my favourite musical as a very thoughtful, generous gift. I would happily have purchased the tickets from him if he had offered them to me but I guess I’m assuming as he didn’t we would still be going together.
I didn’t ask for/take back his birthday gifts when we split as they were gifts, and his, but proportionally to our incomes, I ‘spent’ a LOT more than he did, so I assure you it’s definitely not the money as if it was, the tickets were a ‘cheaper’ gift & id be annoyed about that, but I’m not, I’m only saying about money to explain that has nothing to do with it.
I think a lot of me being confused is because we are in the same mutual friendship group so yes split up but were still in ‘contact’ because of this, he had the opportunity to give me my present, sell me my present or since early feb (if he rearranged this in those 3 weeks we weren’t together/talking with a view of getting back together) tell me he’d changed all the plans & was now going to use my birthday present for himself

He should have withdrawn the offer the second you got back together. As is, the respectful thing to do would be to give her his ticket and she can invite someone else. Or 'my gf wouldn't mind going with but if that's too weird then take another of your friends'.

A gift is his to use as he pleases, within reason. Not by going out with another women whilst in a relationship of course. But he doesn't have to take you either or owe you if he gives the tickets away.

He has told you exactly who he is with this behaviour. You can choose to believe it or not. If you choose to ignore this horrendously selfish behaviour then you’re choosing to expose yourself to all the pain that there is to come.

I think if you buy a gift for someone else you should give it to them even if you split. This was OP's gift not bf.
If it had been the other way round and OP had bought two tickets to see bf's favourite band, it would be downright weird for her to go to the gig with a male friend instead of the person she bought the tickets for.

YANBU. Agree with PP saying if he's that desperate to not let his friend down, then you should go with her!

It definitely doesn't show integrity.

The tickets were a birthday gift to her.
They then split up due to his behaviour and he decided he was keeping the birthday present and using it himself, and he's now upsetting his girlfriend over it.
He shouldn't be in this place in the first place because he shouldn't have decided he was taking the birthday present back.
He would also have the option of letting the female friend have both tickets if he doesn't want her to miss out.

Instead he's choosing to use his girlfriends birthday present to treat another woman.

We organised the date of the musical early Jan (due to work/kids) so I knew on my birthday mid Jan these were my main present- we don’t live together so he sent me some flowers/little gifts to open on my actual birthday. Then I split up with him end of Jan 90% because of his behaviour/attitude (which he admits & takes responsibility for) - I was getting very ill physically & mentally trying to cope with/understand his behaviour & I tried for months so I really had no choice but to end things at that point.
he assured me he would change & work hard on his behaviour & I also took responsibility for my part & assured the same. We started talking after spending Valentine’s Day together (our mutual friend group met up that day which we were both at) & got back together early March so there was only about 3 weeks we weren’t together/talking with a view of getting back together.
he says because he couldn’t get a refund he arranged to go with a friend instead which is why I’m confused as either he should have given me the tickets, sold me the tickets or told me weeks ago he had made alternate plans.
I’m just so confused at this point tbh

It was your present, so how does he have the tickets? It isn't that HE had tickets and reasonably asked a friend. It's that he gave them to you, then decided to take them back to use himself.

He clearly doesn't see it as a 'special gift for you to enjoy together'.
Is he trying to be petty, was it you or him who instigated the temporary break up?
I wouldn't blame it on the friend, she probably couldn't care less if she goes or not.

I’m just so confused at this point tbh

What was his attitude/behaviour like that made you very sick and which you broke up over?
I would imagine there's lots of clues in that which explain his behaviour now.

Simple, you use 'his' ticket and the friend uses the other one - then he's not letting either of you down. (And then, in all honesty, ditch him, doesn't sound like he's changed.......)

There are some odd replies to this thread. He's got enough integrity to honour his date with the friend, and enough empathy to anticipate her disappointment if he cancels.

But not enough integrity to honour his promise of the gift to you, and not enough empathy to care about your disappointment.

He's totally putting the other woman’s feelings over yours, @Pookie21. More to the point, he's showing you just how much you matter. You've given it a second chance; I'd say that isn't working out for you.

I know breaks ups are very rarely all the fault of one person, & ours wasn’t, but I can promise in the end ours was 90% him & how he treated me. I tried to deal with it for months, it affected my physical & mental health, my parenting, my work, Christmas plans for my family, I really really tried when he was gaslighting & manipulating me to see where he was coming from & what I was doing wrong in that ttime & I gave it my absolute all, I should have left after an event in October but I stayed till the end of January because I absolutely love him & I believed what he was saying.
so yes, I ended things but he 100% pushed me to make that decision & it was heartbreaking for us both. We chose the date for the tickets together early Jan & they were for my birthday mid Jan, I then ended things end of Jan (as kindly as I could, which was actually kinder than he’d been in many ways for months, but I did really hurt him unfortunately).
had he physically given me the gift of the tickets yes I think it would have been different, but from the end of Jan we actually saw each other with friends on Valentine’s Day & started talking then, so if he had already made rearrangements with the tickets in those almost 3 weeks then surely he should have told me before now? I agree his friend may have made work/childcare plans, but so have I as he didn’t tell me anything had changed- he could have given me the tickets, sold me the tickets or told me in those 3 weeks he had changed plans but he’s left it till 10 days before & is now either going to let me, his gf & the one he (apparently) loves down, or a friend he met via our community on instagram down & as someone else said, he assured me he would make changes when he wanted me to trust him yet within a month ish is he actually showing me im still not a priority? Im just so confused.

Agreed.

It feels as though posters are missing the point. She broke up with him because of his poor behaviour. He promised he'd change and prioritise her feelings. Yet at the first and earliest opportunity to show her he'd changed and prioritised her feelings he's showing his old colours and prioritising his female friend's feelings.

My view about ticket ownership is they were her birthday present. Ideally she would have had them in her possession then regardless of if they were together she would have been able to go. But as it was, they were in his possession. In the interim whilst they were broken up he invited someone else as he couldn't get a refund. But surely once they got back together in early March he would have said to the female friend 'thanks for being my back up but now I'm back with OP and they were originally her birthday present. Hope you understand'. I would have done as the friend. To prioritise not letting the friend down rather than not letting his girlfriend down speaks volumes OP. Honestly. Dump him. He's shown you his true colours. Listen and believe him. He'll do this again and again.

We chose the date for the tickets early Jan, my birthday is as mid Jan & I (had to) end things end of Jan. We spent Valentine’s Day together with our mutual friend group & started talking then & got back together early March, so if he did offer her the tickets in those (almost) 3 weeks between us separating & Valentine’s Day, then surely he could have told me of this change in the last 1-almost 2 months? Which means he could also have told her in this time too?
from reading replies I think he could at least ask the friend if she would mind now we are back together, but also thinking further, if I were her and he asked that 10 days before but he said we’ve been properly back together a month I’d be a bit pissed off, maybe he’s thinking I won’t cause a fuss , he’ll still look great for taking his friend/not letting her down?
he could have passed me the tickets, or sold me the tickets, or said I can go with her (I am ‘friends’ with her through our community on social media)
honestly, I’m just so confused

The tickets were his gift to me

I hadn’t thought of it like this, if this were the case I would either have given him the tickets or worse case scenario, sold them as yes it would be very weird to use my ex boyfriend’s birthday present to see his fave band with another man. TYSM