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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bf using my birthday gift with another woman

289 replies

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 16:54

My bf got us tickets to my favourite musical for my birthday in January, unfortunately we broke up shortly after for 6 weeks, but have now been back together a month. The show is next week, I’ve organised my kids but bf told me yesterday as he couldn’t get a refund he asked friends & is now taking a female friend instead (I vaguely know of her). AIBU in thinking that as the tickets were my main birthday gift he should either have given me both to use or cancel taking the woman & take me as they were part of my gift & we are back together?
he says she helped him out by agreeing to come so doesn’t want to change her plans but if I were her I’d be happy to stand down as it was a special gift for us to enjoy together, it feels like he’s putting another woman’s feelings over mine.

OP posts:
C1N1C · 04/04/2024 18:22

100% YABU

He bought them as a present for you. You broke up with him. This no doubt hurt him. Naturally, he wouldn't go calling you saying you forgot your tickets! He then had to find a friend to go with, otherwise, the money would be wasted.

You then get back together with him and now want the tickets?

Sounds a bit money-grabbing and narcissistic to me. It partially sounds like you got back together FOR the tickets, but also like you want him to potentially break up a friendship for you.

Like saying he got you a car, but before giving it to , was in the shop getting pink upholstery. You then break up with , he's left in the lurch with what to do with it. Now you're , you're asking where your car is. Don't guilt him for selling it. That ship sailed when you split.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:22

HappiestSleeping · 04/04/2024 17:55

This 👆

Show quote history

Even though they were my main birthday present to my favourite musical? I didn’t take back his presents when we split up

OP posts:
aloris · 04/04/2024 18:29

If your birthday was on the 15th and you broke up on the 20th, then the tickets should have been yours. On the other hand, if your birthday was on the 15th and you broke up on the 10th, then the tickets should have been his. He basically "gave" you a fake birthday present. Why are you dating someone who pretends to give you generous gifts, but actually they are really gifts to himself? You can't trust someone like that.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:29

RickyGervaislovesdogs · 04/04/2024 17:58

Did he give the tickets to you? Im
confused. They were your gift, but he had them? Did you give them back?

We don’t live together so he sent me some other little gifts for my actual birthday but I never had physical ‘ownership’ (for want of a better term) of the tickets, he booked them early Jan as we had to organise work/kids so I knew they were my main present even though I never actually ‘had’ them

OP posts:
Gabby82 · 04/04/2024 18:30
  1. Possession of the (what I imagine are digital?) tickets should have been agreed at the time of the break up. As they were technically yours you should have asked for them before parting ways. If I was left with tickets I'd bought an ex, post break up, I wouldn't go out of my way to get them to them, I'd probably also find someone else to go with.
  1. I don't think at this point he can let the friend down (unless as some seem to have assumed it's a date, which I didn't get from the post), it's not fair on her. However, if I was the friend and knew the situation I'd definitely tell him to take you instead. Does she know the situation?
  1. He should explain to the friend the situation and insist she still goes but with you (she'll probably step aside here anyway as its really awkward). He should order you both a bottle of something to share during the interval and arrange you a separate birthday treat with him.
Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:31

NCA24 · 04/04/2024 18:03

This would be the hill that I died on. How did he take it upon himself to give away your birthday present?

He says because he couldn’t get a refund…

OP posts:
Proudbitch · 04/04/2024 18:32

Fuzziduck · 04/04/2024 17:56

They are your tickets.
Worst case, you should go with her.

This.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:35

Noodlesmumm · 04/04/2024 18:03

Agree with th8s x

Show quote history

But ‘he’s’ not taking a friend, MY birthday present that was organised & booked together before my birthday (due to work/kid’s organisation) Is taking him & a friend… s

OP posts:
Nicelynicelyjohnson · 04/04/2024 18:37

BCBird · 04/04/2024 18:11

I think it shows he has integrity. He has made arrangements and is not going to cancel his friend. You might feel uncomfortable, but that dies not mean he should sack off his friend.

Integrity might have been to give his girlfriend her birthday present.

Keeping a birthday gift is petty and not someone I would want to resume a relationship with.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:40

Shiningout · 04/04/2024 18:06

OK he doesn't wanna let his 'friend' down, so the solution is you take your ticket and go to see the musical as its your favourite and the tickets were brought for you. Have you suggested that??

Not yet. Unfortunately, I’m not currently feeling great mentally after witnessing a very traumatic event of my friend at the weekend so I’m feeling pretty numb whilst I process this experience, my bf told me the change of plans yesterday & where my emotions are massively shut down atm it’s taken me a minute to properly think about all this with my bf.

OP posts:
RandomUsernameB · 04/04/2024 18:41

If your boyfriend is serious about your relationship, he will treat your feelings on this matter seriously and work to resolve it with you. If he brushes off your feelings and takes another woman to your favorite musical with what was supposed to be your birthday present, then he is showing you that he doesn't care about you. You are NOT being unreasonable at all.

Alstreena · 04/04/2024 18:45

He's an ex, forget him and the lousy tickets.

You've got better things to do rather than spend mental energy on this guy - haven't you?

Scottishlady2 · 04/04/2024 18:45

So he’s prioritising his friend over you. Even though the reason you broke up was his behaviour.
Has he even discussed with his friend that you want to go, she might not even want to go and just felt sorry for him?
After getting back together, this should be the bit where he’s pulling out the stops to be better

Dery · 04/04/2024 18:45

I can see both sides but overall this is where I land:

“RandomUsernameB

If your boyfriend is serious about your relationship, he will treat your feelings on this matter seriously and work to resolve it with you. If he brushes off your feelings and takes another woman to your favorite musical with what was supposed to be your birthday present, then he is showing you that he doesn't care about you.”

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2024 18:13

Why did you get back together?

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

OP posts:
BirthdayRainbow · 04/04/2024 18:47

He won't change his mind. He's going with the friend. What will you do about it? It's either accept his choice or dump him.

recoveringworkaholic · 04/04/2024 18:48

But there shouldn't be a problem.

One ticket for you, the birthday girl.

One for his friend, who he agrees should go.

He doesn't go.

It's very straightforward.

pinkyredrose · 04/04/2024 18:51

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Show quote history

Sorry to hear what you've been through .

He isn't understanding. He hasn't 'changed'. It isn't working.

Original poster
Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:53

Nicelynicelyjohnson · 04/04/2024 18:13

What did you think would happen while you were broken up?
Did you think he would go or were you planning to?

I'd be annoyed as they are yours but if he kept them as part of you splitting up, I can see why he asked someone else. Any decent boyfriend would unask the friend with apologies to friend.

We don’t live together- We chose the date for the show early Jan, together (due to both needing to organise work/kids) for my birthday present, he sent me some other little gifts to have on my birthday as we couldn’t see each other, then split end of Jan, started talking again mid feb & got back together early march so I’ve realised there were only 3 weeks we weren’t actually talking so I guess I didn’t think he would re-arrange the tickets in those 3 weeks especially as they were my main gift to my favourite musical, and as we’ve been talking since Valentine’s Day he’s had all that time to tell me he’s changed plans if he DID change them in those 3 weeks, if he changed them after then that’s even more strange IMO as we both knew why we were talking again 😬

OP posts:
Gymnopedie · 04/04/2024 18:53

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Show quote history

Sorry OP, I hate him based on this post alone.

Has he hell changed, as evidenced by his attitude to the tickets. It's all about him. But he wants/demands that YOU change even though your issues are trauma based.

He came back because no-one else would give him a shag and he thought there was at least a chance with you. Hence the demands.

Split up again, this time for good. Put the trash in the bin.

InTheShallowTheShalalalalalalalow · 04/04/2024 18:56

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Show quote history

This man isn't going to change op.

He's not going to manipulate you anymore, but part of the deal to get back together is for you to reduce your boundries in the bedroom due to you being SAd.

That's manipulation right there.

He's an absolute twat and you would be well rid of him.

pavedwithgoodintentions · 04/04/2024 18:56

He hasn't changed.

Tell him to take all his stuff with him when he walks out the door to use your birthday tickets with another woman.

You deserve better.

DrJoanAllenby · 04/04/2024 18:58

The gift was for your birthday and he held on to the tickets.

You can't ask the woman to stand down that's just bloody rude.

He should go with her as they are only friends but then he should buy you and him tickets for something else or a different gift altogether.

TeaGinandFags · 04/04/2024 18:58

So he gives your birthday oresent yo anothervwoman and wants you to be more sexually available.

What a prince!

Fuck him off and don't do anything in the bedroom you're not totally up for.

viques · 04/04/2024 19:00

Pookie21 · 04/04/2024 18:47

Because he promised me he had changed, he would listen to/hear me, he would be more caring & emphatic to me, would stop emotionally manipulating me, would listen to my boundaries due to SA & would prioritise our relationship. I promised what he asked which was to be more open/vunerable with him (very difficult for me due to previous SA/abusive relationship), work hard to reduce my boundaries in the bedroom I have from the SA & be more available to see him/talk on the phone.

Show quote history

So he promised all that at the beginning of March, and here we are, barely a month later. His promises really are pie crusts aren’t they?